Hello Beyondblue forum members, I am hear to seek advice from everyone
that would like to share their insights onto relationships. First
things, first, an introduction about me. I was one of the few millions
of sperm that was able to swim into my mot...
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Hello Beyondblue forum members, I am hear to seek advice from everyone
that would like to share their insights onto relationships. First
things, first, an introduction about me. I was one of the few millions
of sperm that was able to swim into my mother's uterus and propagated
with the egg. Jokes aside, I am 25 male (26 in a couple of months,
cries) and have never really had a proper relationship. What do I mean
by proper? I don't even know to be honest. My past experience was almost
five years ago, where I dated this girl I met at university for three
months, but then she moved to a different state and that was the end of
that. I've never had any sexual activity in my life and my shrink have
asked me if I am scared? I replied with, well if you had general anxiety
and panic disorder would you be scared? Additionally, I was molested in
my toddler years and I can remember that day pretty vividly. So I'm have
some anxiety when connecting sexually. I am diagnosed with two medical
conditions, general anxiety and panic disorder and to top that, I have
personality traits in cluster B and C (Borderline personality and
Avoidant personality disorder). To give you an idea what that means, I
have extreme emotional response to abandonment, criticism, invalidation
and rejection. I also have trouble reaching out physically to others for
help, because inside I would like to be an independent person.
Hooooraaay! One of my deepest desires is to connect with a female
emotionally, as I do not have that with my mother. To be blunt, I feel
like I am alone all the time. In additions to having BPD, I experiences
extreme emptiness through my daily life and it can honestly be
incredibly draining. I've accepted the fact I am not normal and that's
okay. I was born with a hyper active nervous system where there are
pros, which I am currently putting some effort into seeking. So here is
one of my biggest issue with relationship besides getting into one, due
to my personality traits which I have no control whatsoever, I often
become obsessed with said person. Coming back to the extreme response to
abandonment, my mind makes up scenario when this person may attempt to
"abandon" me. It is a defensive mechanism to prevent me for attaining
further possible pain. In addition to the intrusive thoughts, the
anxiety can be crippling and it can honestly feel like dying is a better
solution than to be in a relationship. In conclusion, I sabotage
anything before it forms to anything. Regards, H&L
PTSD for Medical and First Responders
