PTSD and Trauma

Lost and depressed.

replies: 6

Hi there, never done this before so please bear with me. i have battled depression ever since I was 13 (I’m 22) when my parents marriage blew up. When I was 18 I was diagnosed with anxiety. When I was 20 I fell in love with a man I’ve been with for a... View more

Hi there, never done this before so please bear with me. i have battled depression ever since I was 13 (I’m 22) when my parents marriage blew up. When I was 18 I was diagnosed with anxiety. When I was 20 I fell in love with a man I’ve been with for almost 3 years and over all just became generally happier in all aspects. I should mention that I began a Nursing degree at the university back in 2014. And through many ups and downs I am still completeing it to this date. Nursing was something that I fell in love with when I first visited the uni, I was instantly drawn to it and once I began the degree I had a burning passion for it day in and day out. I loved every placement I went on, even when it was stressful and overwhelming I still felt so passionate about knowing it was exactly what I was meant to be doing in life. Last year before Christmas I was raped. A man assaulted me in my own bed and I’ve never been the same. My family knows & have all been very supportive. My roommate/best friend knows, the only person who doesn’t know is my partner. I have my reasons for not telling him and it’s not something I wish to discuss at this time. Since going back to uni to complete my final semester, I have felt lost. I don’t feel the happiness I used to feel about nursing. When I went to my final placement, I experienced heavy anxiety, panic attacks and fainting spells. I explained my situation to the head of the department, she was very nice and supporting and she told me to try come back in a months time and repeat the placement. So I gratefully did. My first day back my anxiety was so high & my brain was a foggy mess. My facilitator sat me down and asked me if felt ready to become a nurse at the end of the year and I broke down. I had been feeling so lost and disconnected for so many months but it was the first time someone had asked me that. I have a lot of pressure from my dad to finish uni. Being that I was merely a couple of months away from finally finishing i know he is not gonna react nicely when I tell him I’m gonna repeat it next year and therefore won’t be graduating til next year. I’m terrified to tell my dad. I shouldn’t be, I’m 22 and it’s up to me what I do. But I am terrified. I also feel very depressed. I feel like I’ve lost who I am, I feel like I’m also a failure and a disappointment.

My mum knew- and did nothing. Trigger Warning: Child Abuse

replies: 3

When I was roughly 8-9 years old, my grandfather was over at our house all the time. My parents left me alone with him- not knowing what a nutcase the man was. I was continuously molested throughout my childhood. It would happen every time he was ove... View more

When I was roughly 8-9 years old, my grandfather was over at our house all the time. My parents left me alone with him- not knowing what a nutcase the man was. I was continuously molested throughout my childhood. It would happen every time he was over. I told mum and she believed me, but she wouldn't tell me dad (as it was HIS dad molesting me). I grew up in an abusive home, my mum was too scared to tell- and so I suppose I suffered for it? Eventually she tried to keep me away from him, I was little and I didn't quite understand just how serious the situation was. It didnt work. It kept happening. I am now 27 years old, and the older I get, the angrier and sadder I get. I grew up being too exposed to sex and sexual encounters- we lived in a house that was NOT sound proof. As an adult, I am now disgusted at anything to do with sex. I get flash blacks of my childhood- of times when I was inappropriately touched, physically assaulted by my mother, and yelled and screamed at by my dad. I cant help but be angry with them, even at my age. I am so saddened by my family's behaviour towards me. I dont know how to deal with this, I've been hurt for many years and have not known where to go or who to talk to

Complex issues following traumatic brain injury (assualt)

replies: 5

In January this year I suffered a server Traumatic Brain Injury. On arrival at ED I was GCS 3 and immediate emergency brain surgery was performed (3 crainiotomies). I was in a coma for a few weeks and at first i could not walk or talk. I have recover... View more

In January this year I suffered a server Traumatic Brain Injury. On arrival at ED I was GCS 3 and immediate emergency brain surgery was performed (3 crainiotomies). I was in a coma for a few weeks and at first i could not walk or talk. I have recovered a great deal since then. Unfortunately I now suffer extreme epilepsy and interictal psychosis. Sometimes I am of the firm belief that I am actually dead, or possibly in a continued vegitative state. This sense of unreality leds to tremendous and persistent panic, frustration and depression. Often I dont remember days on end, which ads to the sense of unreality. Sometimes I forget my name, i cannot recall who I am. Perhaps I am some form of haunted ghost. I generally don't leave the house for fear of the outside world. I really dislike the constant panic, i want to seek help but this area of neurological trauma is so very unresearched, i do not know where to seek appropriate help, bar being shipped off to emergency during periods of horrible seizures and interictal psychosis that inevitably follows. Perhaps i have an unconsciousness need to return to the place i almost died/was saved, it calms me, perhaps i never left there and remain in a coma

I'm trying to reach the surface but I keep being pulled under.

replies: 1

Everything hurts, I didn't realise emotional pain could feel so excruciatingly physically painful. My chest hurts, my head hurts, my eyes hurt. A number of months ago I finally escaped the cycle of a protracted year long breakup with a man who told m... View more

Everything hurts, I didn't realise emotional pain could feel so excruciatingly physically painful. My chest hurts, my head hurts, my eyes hurt. A number of months ago I finally escaped the cycle of a protracted year long breakup with a man who told me everyday he loved me while controlling and abusing me. He still tries to contact me despite being blocked on facebook, phone, and email. I was reduced to an emotional wreck and felt like a shell of the bubbly, passionate person I was three years ago before all of the mess happened. Recently I started seeing another man. It took so much courage to do it because my heart was still so fragmented. He has been kind, caring, generous and thoughtful. He knows that I am struggling from the break up and was ok to take things slowly. Yesterday we slept together, he met my family and I finally opened up and shared about the trauma of my past relationship. Because of the sexual abuse I had experienced, sleeping with him bought up the most heart gripping anxiety and afterwards I sobbed into his chest. I know it wasn't fair but I couldn't keep the hurt inside. Last night we spoke and I told him I wasn't ready to keep sleeping with him. He was fine with that but told me that all of this changed things, he was ok with me asking to not sleep together but didn't want to be a rebound. I know that, I understand, and maybe I have used him to help me heal from the difficult relationship I have had. In saying that, I can see myself in long term relationship with him and I guess I didn't realise how awful my past relationship was until I experienced the kindness and respect he has shown me. He doesn't want to continue the relationship and I am left raw and so incredibly exposed. I feel like I've made myself so vulnerable to him by sleeping with him and sharing so deeply that the rejection is so painful I feel like I'm drowning. I don't know what to do. I didn't sleep last night and I don't know how much pain I can experience without breaking down completely.

Fragmented memories

replies: 4

Hi, can anyone explain what exactly fragmented memories are? I've googled it but I still don't understand the concept of fragmented memories? Is it a memory that is traumatic but can't be recalled in context of your whole life memories?

Scared, anxious, depressed, body failing. (trigger warning domestic abuse)

replies: 1

Hi all. 32 yrd F, divorced, no kids. Suffered anxiety since I could remember. I was bullied severely by many kids from prep to grade 7 which is when I quit school. My parents got divorced during that time and I was assaulted by my new step brother. M... View more

Hi all. 32 yrd F, divorced, no kids. Suffered anxiety since I could remember. I was bullied severely by many kids from prep to grade 7 which is when I quit school. My parents got divorced during that time and I was assaulted by my new step brother. My father blamed me. I was then housebound for 5 years with severe anxiety, body dysmorphic disorder and agoraphobia. I had a surgery which caused massive haemorrgage when I was alone at home recovering, and I nearly died. I then lived in a psychiatric unit for a while due to severe anxiety (permanent panic state that didn't ease for weeks). I had a couple of older boyfriends from age 13-15 who used me sexually then left. Then I started a relationship with my ex husband at 15 and he was 21. We met online and he eventually moved to Australia and we got married when I was 20. He was ok at first but down the track, he would call me names, laughed when I cried, hit and pushed me etc. He wouldn't work and I had to work really hard in a physical job to support us both. I was also doing a degree so I was busy/stressed, I cried every night for years. He would not do housework, I did everything. He started drinking heavy and doing drugs. That's when I started drinking too. That went on for 8 years of "marriage". I had to throw out most of my belongings/furniture and moved into a small bedroom in a relative's house. My ex came with me as I was still too weak to get rid of him. The violence got worse and he'd abuse me in the middle of the night. Then finally I kicked him out. I then started another relationship with a long term friend 2.5 years ago, slowly, with extreme caution, and miraculously it became my first healthy relationship. He's truly the love of my life, an amazing man. I had a bout of stress recently with having to leave a job I was at for 8 years, dog died, health scares etc. But life started to settle down now and I was feeling better but still binge drinking. I started cutting back and was feeling better, but then went on a bender and felt awful after. I decided to fully stop, figured I'd start feeling better as usual, but I'm just not. It's been 2 weeks and I'm still so dizzy that it's hard to walk, stumbling, severe fatigue where I stay in bed whenever I'm not at work, high blood pressure, chest tightness. It's hard to function. I'm terrified I caused brain damage. Doctors aren't taking it seriously. I'm finding it so hard to cope and crying every day. I'm scared I've ruined everything. What's happening

Narcisstic mother & Absent father Daily Emotional Abuse as a Child

replies: 5

It has only occurred to me very recently the depth of the trauma I have experienced. I can barely navigate through the complex sadness & feelings. I am in my early 50's. Emotional abuse as bad as it can be. My mother is the most manipulative and crue... View more

It has only occurred to me very recently the depth of the trauma I have experienced. I can barely navigate through the complex sadness & feelings. I am in my early 50's. Emotional abuse as bad as it can be. My mother is the most manipulative and cruelest person I know. She has isolated all her 4 adult children and trashed every one of us to anyone who will listen. We are estranged from each other and other family. I just need somewhere public to vent this. To read the words and on some level validate this for me. I struggle with every close relationship driven myself hard to carve out a very successful career. I have had a family-two adult children, I have a marriage and possibly from the outside look 'normal'. Inside I am hurt and every bit an abused child. I feel so lacking in the skills and everyday relationship require. I am self doubt, anxiety, depression on anti-depressants & very lonely. I struggle to have close friends and I have issues with intimacy. Despite being the peacemaker, the organiser, the helper, the court jester and anything else required of me I have always been the greatest disappointment to my mother. I grew up with judgement, hatred, spite, raw emotion, jealously and constant need being placed upon me. I don't talk to my mother anymore. Its been 12 months. She is in her late 70's and as she has gotten older has become more vicious and devious. My father died 20 years ago and despite her claiming he ruined her life since his death her life has got worse and unraveled into something so feral and nasty I miss having a relationship with a parent, with my mother more than anything. My childhood has left me with deep deficits. As the oldest child of 4 I very quickly became the abandoned pet when the other children were born and nothing has ever been good enough, valuable enough ever to capture her attention. I have no concept that a woman who claims to value family above all else has destroyed it and destroyed individuals as much as she possibly could to maintain control.I feel like I have no support. No one has my back. No one loves me with such fierce unconditional love (like a parent should) that I am important. I feel alone, lonely, sad, damaged and closed off. My memories are all yelling, screaming, gutter language, abuse, household items being thrown across rooms and hatred. I have no memories of love, acceptance, fun or understanding. Does anyone have fractured complex family relationships even remotely close to this?

Admission

replies: 1

I think I have struggled with alchohol for a long time but hadn't been willing/able to admit to it out loud. I have recently lost my mum, just 6 months ago. I have noticed i'm reaching for the Bottle in ways I have NEVER before. It's no longer social... View more

I think I have struggled with alchohol for a long time but hadn't been willing/able to admit to it out loud. I have recently lost my mum, just 6 months ago. I have noticed i'm reaching for the Bottle in ways I have NEVER before. It's no longer social which scares me. I have a loving supportive husband, 2 beautiful daughters who I adore. I guess I just want to be accountable really. I don't want my girls to see their mum as a drunk, especially as I work in Fitness and THIS is what I want them to see not the drink...

Torn and broken

replies: 3

Hi, I have PTSD and things are getting worse not better. brief description of why: Nov 2012: my wife confessed to a 6mth affair with a mate of mine. He has become violent and controlling so we pack up and head off to get away 36 hours later we have a... View more

Hi, I have PTSD and things are getting worse not better. brief description of why: Nov 2012: my wife confessed to a 6mth affair with a mate of mine. He has become violent and controlling so we pack up and head off to get away 36 hours later we have a major vehicle accident. My wife major injuries, my youngest daughter minor injuries and I found my eldest 9yr old daughter dead. Dec 2012 our daughter was cremated Boxing day we travel to Qld to get away and be alone Mid January 2013 we return home to find our long time family friends had emptied our house stealing anything valuable. So we returned to Qld for a sea change. Aus day 2013 get caught in Bundaberg floods and loose what was left of our belongings inc our eldest daughters photos school books etc Spend 4 yrs blaming each other for our daughter being killed in a toxic marriage Left Qld with my youngest daughter move to get away from her violent mother early 2017. My wife spoke twice to my self and my daughter in 12 mths to selfish to care generally about her daughter. Early 2018 my wife seems to be improving we start to have regular conversation by phone but my daughter still refuses to talk to her. July 2018 my wife was killed in a motorbike crash. Mother in law lied to coroner gets the body and cremated it with out my daughter being aloud to go. Mother in law is trying to get my daughter's inheritance. I'm done fighting life. I don't have the option to check out my little girl has No one but me left. She is convinced I'm going to die in a car when she's 18 as her sister died in a truck at 6 her mum on a motorbike at 12. I have no fight left what can I do. I can't give up but don't have the strength to go on. Thanks for reading FJ

My life is falling apart

replies: 3

No matter where I turn, or what I do, I fail. My whole life has been like that, and it's not getting any better and I am beginning to doubt it ever will. My first marriage failed. The only good thing my four children. I have no contact with my sons, ... View more

No matter where I turn, or what I do, I fail. My whole life has been like that, and it's not getting any better and I am beginning to doubt it ever will. My first marriage failed. The only good thing my four children. I have no contact with my sons, I am an embarrassment to them. I cannot change their attitude no matter what I say or do. I phone, they refuse to answer, email and even the old fashioned post, letters come back unopened. Its killing me slowly. My relationship with my eldest daughter is strained as I do not get on with her second husband, I have tried, but my tongue but then I called him out on his attitude to one on my grandchildren, his step son, well it went downhill from there, she calls it when hes not around. My youngest daughter tries, she has two young boys, both are special needs. My ex husband I wont discuss, we grew apart and I left him. my second husband died in 2015, suddenly and unexpected. He left me with debts i had to sell the house to pay off, i had no idea. lately I have secured a rental property, ready to move this week end. Ha ha!!! It should have been exciting, but I cannot get my furniture from storage as I cannot pay them. If I get it delivered I can sell the shipping container and such a lot of the contents, this will cover most of the money owed, but they wont sgree and have said they will sell my things. I told them my husband and parents ashes are in there as well as sentimental items, photos and all my documents which could allow someone to steal my identity, but they still wont agree. Another fail, by me. Everything from my childhood on, I was abused by two people, one a friend of my parents he is dead, I only hope he is rotting in hell. The other a family member who was a policeman in Vic and while denying it said the police won't do anything if I report as he was one of them, protect their own. So another fail on my part, I have to live with it. I have no contact with my siblings, my parents died while living with me, they were 87 and 89 and i didnt do enough. Fail. My late husbands children blame me for his death even it was a heart attack. Fail. I tried suicide 3 times. Fail. Car broken down, cant fix it. Fail Was assaulted, a police matter, my fault for going out to see why dog was barking. Fail. And I question my mental health and if it's all worth it. I take my meds religiously but wonder why. Cant get a loan, so an empty house for me. Fail. bloody failure, at life to my kids, to my siblings and to me.

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PTSD for Medical and First Responders

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All discussions

Lost and depressed.

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My mum knew- and did nothing. Trigger Warning: Child Abuse

replies: 3

Complex issues following traumatic brain injury (assualt)

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I'm trying to reach the surface but I keep being pulled under.

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Fragmented memories

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Scared, anxious, depressed, body failing. (trigger warning domestic abuse)

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Narcisstic mother & Absent father Daily Emotional Abuse as a Child

replies: 5

Admission

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Torn and broken

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My life is falling apart

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PTSD and trauma

PTSD for Medical and First Responders replies: 276

Lost and depressed. replies: 6

My mum knew- and did nothing. *Trigger Warning: Child Abuse* replies: 3

Complex issues following traumatic brain injury (assualt) replies: 5

I'm trying to reach the surface but I keep being pulled under. replies: 1

Fragmented memories replies: 4

Scared, anxious, depressed, body failing. (trigger warning domestic abuse) replies: 1

Narcisstic mother & Absent father Daily Emotional Abuse as a Child replies: 5

Admission replies: 1

Torn and broken replies: 3

My life is falling apart replies: 3

PTSD for Medical and First Responders

replies: 276

Lost and depressed.

replies: 6

My mum knew- and did nothing. Trigger Warning: Child Abuse

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Complex issues following traumatic brain injury (assualt)

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I'm trying to reach the surface but I keep being pulled under.

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Fragmented memories

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Scared, anxious, depressed, body failing. (trigger warning domestic abuse)

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Narcisstic mother & Absent father Daily Emotional Abuse as a Child

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Admission

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Torn and broken

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My life is falling apart

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