Can someone explain my lost sense of self.

[Showmehope]

Hi I’m just wondering if anyone can relate to this symptom and help me figure out how to stop it. It’s really difficult to explain but I’ll do my best at making points.

I sometimes feel like my mind is moving onto my shoulder.

I fell calm and empty then it turns into a sort of dread feeling but I don’t seem phased by the dread.

I get dizzy spells.

Its like when I talk I’m listening and it’s someone else talking.

during a conversation I’ll sudde realise that I’m not listening but don’t know where my head was.

my memory is shocking and I suddenly realise I can only remember snippets of an entire week but sometimes nothing.

people will talk to me but I don’t or can’t process what they are saying.

i feel like I’m not me.

like autopilot

I poured boiling water on my hand and didn’t flinch or feel it - accident

my vision is blurry and I feel stupid. Unable to concentrate or access my brain.

I don’t feel depressed or anxious or anything really just numb.

thanks

[Croix]

Dear Showmehope~

I can relate to how you feel. When I started to have very adverse reactions to PTSD, depression and anxiety I too was outside myself. I described it as having a glass wall with me on one side looking at me interacting with life on the other, completely separated from feelings, hopes, knowledge and all.

Actually your description of your mind sitting on your shoulder really sums it up. I've never hurt myself in that state, so can't say much about the burnt hand. I can say physical pain brought on by my state, headaches stomach cramps and so on were a remote phenomena to be endured.

Reading about your therapy I have the feeling as Jess has said that you are pressing too hard and being governed by your and others' expectations. I really have no means of judging other than looking at myself so I could be wrong. As for avoiding things, I'm good at that. I spent a lot of time simply reading to escape, which may be a similar thing.

From my point of view avoiding is not acknowledging there is a problem, and it does not sound as if you are doing that.

Please take your time. It does get better. I'm a different person now to then

Croix

[Showmehope]

Thanks Croix

Im glad that it’s part of PTSD as I was starting to think that I was insane. I seem to manage to keep more control of it when I’m at home and around positive people but when I’m around negative people or doing exposure I often don’t even realise I’m going into that state. It feels easier to ground myself when I’m jumpy and actually in my own head but the only way I feel I can ground myself when I’m not in my own head is to stay home where I feel safe and avoid everything (basically just work on me being me). I also get the headaches and stomach pains grrr. I feel like I have 3 different states - the calm numb disconnected - the on edge, heart racing could blow at any time and the me who is normal and in control of the PTSD. I could be anyone of these 3 at any given time of any day. It’s exhausting but I’m determined to fight it.

[Croix]

Dear Showmehope~

It does get miles better as time goes on. I very very rarely get anything like that nowadays. the "me who is normal and in control of the PTSD" rules (mostly:)

It sounds as if you can anticipate to some extent when it is likely to occur or be worse. I've found the free smartphone app Smiling Mind does a pretty good job of taking my mind out of the wrong sort of state. It does take practice to get used to it but has the advantage of being useful anywhere you can sit down with earbuds.

Croix

[_TinkerBell_]

Hi Showmehope,

I 100% can absolutely relate to this....and am currently struggling my way through it. I'm trying to keep it together and/or find clarity through the misty in my brain...or at least get my head on my neck instead of my shoulders...

I've been told I have PTSD and whilst I have many symptoms I feel like I'm supposed to have flashbacks, memories etc....which I don sometimes...but mostly I just feel vacant.

You summed it perfectly with the "the calm numb disconnected - the on edge, heart racing could blow at any time and the me who is normal".

Like you I am bloody determined to fight it...but goddam it is exhausting. I'm so tired trying..but I just can't give up, no matter how close I keep coming to.

I havn't worked in 7months because of a workplace incident and now I am sooo financially stressed and my poor husband is hanging on by a thread too....But I've tried to keep going and I have an interview on Tuesday for a full time job...so hopefully I don't bomb out!

Not sure how ready I am....but won't know unless I try. I'm numb and terrified at the same time.

I hope you have been able to find some relief since your post and I hope you are fighting 🙂

[Croix]

Dear *TinkerBell* (wiht a wave to Showmehope)~

Welcome here to the Forum. I'm not sure how big a component of PTSD is made up of 'flashbacks'. While I have experienced them an awful lot has been preoccupation, fear, anger, resentment, depression, anxiety and a very limited view of the world and others, plus nightmares ...

That's a terrible description, I'm not good at describing today however the point I'm trying to make is there is no 'supposed to have'. It is whatever you are stuck with.

Having an understanding partner who tries is wonderful. It kept me going even when I could see I was being pretty horrible. So if you have a husband on you side it is a major thing. I wish that early on I'd treated my partner better. Later on I did.

It does get better, I'm excellent by comparison now. May I ask if you are under medical treatment? It was the only path to improvement for me.

One thing I found was I expected too much of myself too early on and as a result things did not work too well, in fact a real setback. While I realize there are financial pressures as well as a desire to get life back on an even keel are you sure going for full time is good just now?

May I also mention in passing that you might like to make your own thread? While I'm sure you are welcome here in Showmehope's thread you will probably find more people will see your posts and respond to them in a thread of your own. That does not mean you should not keep talking here too.

Croix