PTSD and Trauma

Complex issues following traumatic brain injury (assualt)

replies: 5

In January this year I suffered a server Traumatic Brain Injury. On arrival at ED I was GCS 3 and immediate emergency brain surgery was performed (3 crainiotomies). I was in a coma for a few weeks and at first i could not walk or talk. I have recover... View more

In January this year I suffered a server Traumatic Brain Injury. On arrival at ED I was GCS 3 and immediate emergency brain surgery was performed (3 crainiotomies). I was in a coma for a few weeks and at first i could not walk or talk. I have recovered a great deal since then. Unfortunately I now suffer extreme epilepsy and interictal psychosis. Sometimes I am of the firm belief that I am actually dead, or possibly in a continued vegitative state. This sense of unreality leds to tremendous and persistent panic, frustration and depression. Often I dont remember days on end, which ads to the sense of unreality. Sometimes I forget my name, i cannot recall who I am. Perhaps I am some form of haunted ghost. I generally don't leave the house for fear of the outside world. I really dislike the constant panic, i want to seek help but this area of neurological trauma is so very unresearched, i do not know where to seek appropriate help, bar being shipped off to emergency during periods of horrible seizures and interictal psychosis that inevitably follows. Perhaps i have an unconsciousness need to return to the place i almost died/was saved, it calms me, perhaps i never left there and remain in a coma

I'm trying to reach the surface but I keep being pulled under.

replies: 1

Everything hurts, I didn't realise emotional pain could feel so excruciatingly physically painful. My chest hurts, my head hurts, my eyes hurt. A number of months ago I finally escaped the cycle of a protracted year long breakup with a man who told m... View more

Everything hurts, I didn't realise emotional pain could feel so excruciatingly physically painful. My chest hurts, my head hurts, my eyes hurt. A number of months ago I finally escaped the cycle of a protracted year long breakup with a man who told me everyday he loved me while controlling and abusing me. He still tries to contact me despite being blocked on facebook, phone, and email. I was reduced to an emotional wreck and felt like a shell of the bubbly, passionate person I was three years ago before all of the mess happened. Recently I started seeing another man. It took so much courage to do it because my heart was still so fragmented. He has been kind, caring, generous and thoughtful. He knows that I am struggling from the break up and was ok to take things slowly. Yesterday we slept together, he met my family and I finally opened up and shared about the trauma of my past relationship. Because of the sexual abuse I had experienced, sleeping with him bought up the most heart gripping anxiety and afterwards I sobbed into his chest. I know it wasn't fair but I couldn't keep the hurt inside. Last night we spoke and I told him I wasn't ready to keep sleeping with him. He was fine with that but told me that all of this changed things, he was ok with me asking to not sleep together but didn't want to be a rebound. I know that, I understand, and maybe I have used him to help me heal from the difficult relationship I have had. In saying that, I can see myself in long term relationship with him and I guess I didn't realise how awful my past relationship was until I experienced the kindness and respect he has shown me. He doesn't want to continue the relationship and I am left raw and so incredibly exposed. I feel like I've made myself so vulnerable to him by sleeping with him and sharing so deeply that the rejection is so painful I feel like I'm drowning. I don't know what to do. I didn't sleep last night and I don't know how much pain I can experience without breaking down completely.

Fragmented memories

replies: 4

Hi, can anyone explain what exactly fragmented memories are? I've googled it but I still don't understand the concept of fragmented memories? Is it a memory that is traumatic but can't be recalled in context of your whole life memories?

Scared, anxious, depressed, body failing. (trigger warning domestic abuse)

replies: 1

Hi all. 32 yrd F, divorced, no kids. Suffered anxiety since I could remember. I was bullied severely by many kids from prep to grade 7 which is when I quit school. My parents got divorced during that time and I was assaulted by my new step brother. M... View more

Hi all. 32 yrd F, divorced, no kids. Suffered anxiety since I could remember. I was bullied severely by many kids from prep to grade 7 which is when I quit school. My parents got divorced during that time and I was assaulted by my new step brother. My father blamed me. I was then housebound for 5 years with severe anxiety, body dysmorphic disorder and agoraphobia. I had a surgery which caused massive haemorrgage when I was alone at home recovering, and I nearly died. I then lived in a psychiatric unit for a while due to severe anxiety (permanent panic state that didn't ease for weeks). I had a couple of older boyfriends from age 13-15 who used me sexually then left. Then I started a relationship with my ex husband at 15 and he was 21. We met online and he eventually moved to Australia and we got married when I was 20. He was ok at first but down the track, he would call me names, laughed when I cried, hit and pushed me etc. He wouldn't work and I had to work really hard in a physical job to support us both. I was also doing a degree so I was busy/stressed, I cried every night for years. He would not do housework, I did everything. He started drinking heavy and doing drugs. That's when I started drinking too. That went on for 8 years of "marriage". I had to throw out most of my belongings/furniture and moved into a small bedroom in a relative's house. My ex came with me as I was still too weak to get rid of him. The violence got worse and he'd abuse me in the middle of the night. Then finally I kicked him out. I then started another relationship with a long term friend 2.5 years ago, slowly, with extreme caution, and miraculously it became my first healthy relationship. He's truly the love of my life, an amazing man. I had a bout of stress recently with having to leave a job I was at for 8 years, dog died, health scares etc. But life started to settle down now and I was feeling better but still binge drinking. I started cutting back and was feeling better, but then went on a bender and felt awful after. I decided to fully stop, figured I'd start feeling better as usual, but I'm just not. It's been 2 weeks and I'm still so dizzy that it's hard to walk, stumbling, severe fatigue where I stay in bed whenever I'm not at work, high blood pressure, chest tightness. It's hard to function. I'm terrified I caused brain damage. Doctors aren't taking it seriously. I'm finding it so hard to cope and crying every day. I'm scared I've ruined everything. What's happening

Narcisstic mother & Absent father Daily Emotional Abuse as a Child

replies: 5

It has only occurred to me very recently the depth of the trauma I have experienced. I can barely navigate through the complex sadness & feelings. I am in my early 50's. Emotional abuse as bad as it can be. My mother is the most manipulative and crue... View more

It has only occurred to me very recently the depth of the trauma I have experienced. I can barely navigate through the complex sadness & feelings. I am in my early 50's. Emotional abuse as bad as it can be. My mother is the most manipulative and cruelest person I know. She has isolated all her 4 adult children and trashed every one of us to anyone who will listen. We are estranged from each other and other family. I just need somewhere public to vent this. To read the words and on some level validate this for me. I struggle with every close relationship driven myself hard to carve out a very successful career. I have had a family-two adult children, I have a marriage and possibly from the outside look 'normal'. Inside I am hurt and every bit an abused child. I feel so lacking in the skills and everyday relationship require. I am self doubt, anxiety, depression on anti-depressants & very lonely. I struggle to have close friends and I have issues with intimacy. Despite being the peacemaker, the organiser, the helper, the court jester and anything else required of me I have always been the greatest disappointment to my mother. I grew up with judgement, hatred, spite, raw emotion, jealously and constant need being placed upon me. I don't talk to my mother anymore. Its been 12 months. She is in her late 70's and as she has gotten older has become more vicious and devious. My father died 20 years ago and despite her claiming he ruined her life since his death her life has got worse and unraveled into something so feral and nasty I miss having a relationship with a parent, with my mother more than anything. My childhood has left me with deep deficits. As the oldest child of 4 I very quickly became the abandoned pet when the other children were born and nothing has ever been good enough, valuable enough ever to capture her attention. I have no concept that a woman who claims to value family above all else has destroyed it and destroyed individuals as much as she possibly could to maintain control.I feel like I have no support. No one has my back. No one loves me with such fierce unconditional love (like a parent should) that I am important. I feel alone, lonely, sad, damaged and closed off. My memories are all yelling, screaming, gutter language, abuse, household items being thrown across rooms and hatred. I have no memories of love, acceptance, fun or understanding. Does anyone have fractured complex family relationships even remotely close to this?

Admission

replies: 1

I think I have struggled with alchohol for a long time but hadn't been willing/able to admit to it out loud. I have recently lost my mum, just 6 months ago. I have noticed i'm reaching for the Bottle in ways I have NEVER before. It's no longer social... View more

I think I have struggled with alchohol for a long time but hadn't been willing/able to admit to it out loud. I have recently lost my mum, just 6 months ago. I have noticed i'm reaching for the Bottle in ways I have NEVER before. It's no longer social which scares me. I have a loving supportive husband, 2 beautiful daughters who I adore. I guess I just want to be accountable really. I don't want my girls to see their mum as a drunk, especially as I work in Fitness and THIS is what I want them to see not the drink...

Torn and broken

replies: 3

Hi, I have PTSD and things are getting worse not better. brief description of why: Nov 2012: my wife confessed to a 6mth affair with a mate of mine. He has become violent and controlling so we pack up and head off to get away 36 hours later we have a... View more

Hi, I have PTSD and things are getting worse not better. brief description of why: Nov 2012: my wife confessed to a 6mth affair with a mate of mine. He has become violent and controlling so we pack up and head off to get away 36 hours later we have a major vehicle accident. My wife major injuries, my youngest daughter minor injuries and I found my eldest 9yr old daughter dead. Dec 2012 our daughter was cremated Boxing day we travel to Qld to get away and be alone Mid January 2013 we return home to find our long time family friends had emptied our house stealing anything valuable. So we returned to Qld for a sea change. Aus day 2013 get caught in Bundaberg floods and loose what was left of our belongings inc our eldest daughters photos school books etc Spend 4 yrs blaming each other for our daughter being killed in a toxic marriage Left Qld with my youngest daughter move to get away from her violent mother early 2017. My wife spoke twice to my self and my daughter in 12 mths to selfish to care generally about her daughter. Early 2018 my wife seems to be improving we start to have regular conversation by phone but my daughter still refuses to talk to her. July 2018 my wife was killed in a motorbike crash. Mother in law lied to coroner gets the body and cremated it with out my daughter being aloud to go. Mother in law is trying to get my daughter's inheritance. I'm done fighting life. I don't have the option to check out my little girl has No one but me left. She is convinced I'm going to die in a car when she's 18 as her sister died in a truck at 6 her mum on a motorbike at 12. I have no fight left what can I do. I can't give up but don't have the strength to go on. Thanks for reading FJ

My life is falling apart

replies: 3

No matter where I turn, or what I do, I fail. My whole life has been like that, and it's not getting any better and I am beginning to doubt it ever will. My first marriage failed. The only good thing my four children. I have no contact with my sons, ... View more

No matter where I turn, or what I do, I fail. My whole life has been like that, and it's not getting any better and I am beginning to doubt it ever will. My first marriage failed. The only good thing my four children. I have no contact with my sons, I am an embarrassment to them. I cannot change their attitude no matter what I say or do. I phone, they refuse to answer, email and even the old fashioned post, letters come back unopened. Its killing me slowly. My relationship with my eldest daughter is strained as I do not get on with her second husband, I have tried, but my tongue but then I called him out on his attitude to one on my grandchildren, his step son, well it went downhill from there, she calls it when hes not around. My youngest daughter tries, she has two young boys, both are special needs. My ex husband I wont discuss, we grew apart and I left him. my second husband died in 2015, suddenly and unexpected. He left me with debts i had to sell the house to pay off, i had no idea. lately I have secured a rental property, ready to move this week end. Ha ha!!! It should have been exciting, but I cannot get my furniture from storage as I cannot pay them. If I get it delivered I can sell the shipping container and such a lot of the contents, this will cover most of the money owed, but they wont sgree and have said they will sell my things. I told them my husband and parents ashes are in there as well as sentimental items, photos and all my documents which could allow someone to steal my identity, but they still wont agree. Another fail, by me. Everything from my childhood on, I was abused by two people, one a friend of my parents he is dead, I only hope he is rotting in hell. The other a family member who was a policeman in Vic and while denying it said the police won't do anything if I report as he was one of them, protect their own. So another fail on my part, I have to live with it. I have no contact with my siblings, my parents died while living with me, they were 87 and 89 and i didnt do enough. Fail. My late husbands children blame me for his death even it was a heart attack. Fail. I tried suicide 3 times. Fail. Car broken down, cant fix it. Fail Was assaulted, a police matter, my fault for going out to see why dog was barking. Fail. And I question my mental health and if it's all worth it. I take my meds religiously but wonder why. Cant get a loan, so an empty house for me. Fail. bloody failure, at life to my kids, to my siblings and to me.

Rape [Trigger Warning]

replies: 14

I think I was raped and I don’t know how to feel about it

TRIGGER WARNING abortion and guilt

replies: 5

TRIGGER ⚠ Almost 2 years ago I had an unplanned pregnancy and termination. A result of my complacency. I didn't have periods and have polycystic ovaries. I hadn't been able to use hormonal contraception for 2 years at the time due to a neurological i... View more

TRIGGER ⚠ Almost 2 years ago I had an unplanned pregnancy and termination. A result of my complacency. I didn't have periods and have polycystic ovaries. I hadn't been able to use hormonal contraception for 2 years at the time due to a neurological issue, we were using other methods of contraception but obviously weren't always consistant, I didn't even think I could fall pregnant. I had just started, and still am, taking lamotrigine, which can cause birth defects (although it seems it's the least likely of the anticonvulsants to do so, if anyone has any personal experience taking lamotrigine during pregnancy I would be very interested to hear from you!). My GP supported the termination due to the risk the lamotrigine posed, and as a result of my mental state at the time. I'm not sure I made the right decision. I'm 28 now, I think I want to have children but I'm so scared. Scared of possibly coming off my medications, of their side effects if not. Scared of my ability to cope with the stress, which sets off mood episodes. Scared of regretting a decision I can't revoke (this sounds like a horrible thing to say but it's a very real fear of mine). My brother just announced he and his partner are having a baby, the first thing I felt was jealously? All I can think is that I won't be able to fall pregnant again, that I will be punished for what I've done, that it was actually the one chance I was going to have to be a mum and now I never will. I'm happy for him but I'm also deeply jealous, I cant seem focus my attention on them and not my own issues. My mum doesn't even know about my pregnancy or termination, so she's talking about her soon to be grand baby non stop and I'm struggling to maintain a happy face. I feel like a failure already and I haven't even started trying for a baby I haven't even decided I'm ready or capable of caring for. I'm so confused. Can anyone relate?

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PTSD for Medical and First Responders

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Complex issues following traumatic brain injury (assualt)

replies: 5