TRIGGER WARNING abortion and guilt

[Wander]

TRIGGER ⚠
Almost 2 years ago I had an unplanned pregnancy and termination. A result of my complacency. I didn't have periods and have polycystic ovaries. I hadn't been able to use hormonal contraception for 2 years at the time due to a neurological issue, we were using other methods of contraception but obviously weren't always consistant, I didn't even think I could fall pregnant. I had just started, and still am, taking lamotrigine, which can cause birth defects (although it seems it's the least likely of the anticonvulsants to do so, if anyone has any personal experience taking lamotrigine during pregnancy I would be very interested to hear from you!). My GP supported the termination due to the risk the lamotrigine posed, and as a result of my mental state at the time. I'm not sure I made the right decision.
I'm 28 now, I think I want to have children but I'm so scared. Scared of possibly coming off my medications, of their side effects if not. Scared of my ability to cope with the stress, which sets off mood episodes. Scared of regretting a decision I can't revoke (this sounds like a horrible thing to say but it's a very real fear of mine).
My brother just announced he and his partner are having a baby, the first thing I felt was jealously? All I can think is that I won't be able to fall pregnant again, that I will be punished for what I've done, that it was actually the one chance I was going to have to be a mum and now I never will. I'm happy for him but I'm also deeply jealous, I cant seem focus my attention on them and not my own issues. My mum doesn't even know about my pregnancy or termination, so she's talking about her soon to be grand baby non stop and I'm struggling to maintain a happy face.
I feel like a failure already and I haven't even started trying for a baby I haven't even decided I'm ready or capable of caring for. I'm so confused. Can anyone relate?

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Wander,

What a brave, heart wrenching and honest post. The emotions you must be feeling would be overwhelming. Your brother’s news must have triggered so many feelings...sadness, pain and, as you said, jealousy.

I feel his news plus your mum’s excitement must feel like a (emotional) kick in the guts, even if it wasn’t and isn’t their intention.

I absolutely do not think you’re a “failure” for deciding to abort. I also don’t think you will be “punished” for it...

The thing is terminated pregnancies are more common than we realise. It’s just that few people openly talk about it because sadly there’s still a lot of judgment and stigma surrounding it. I feel the decision to keep or abort is such a personal decision that it’s no on else’s place to pass judgement on another woman’s decision...

In your case, you had serious considerations for potential birth defects, and given everything you knew, at the time, it must have been the right decision for you. So maybe hold onto that...you did what you felt was right at the time, given the context of your meds, given potential birth defects, etc.

I have had close friends who have terminated pregnancies in the past. It’s not something that they tend to share with many people because of a fear of judgement.

They did what they did because it was the right decision for them at the time. As a friend, I let them know that I would support them, either way. Their body, their rules...their decision.

I suppose what I’m trying to say is you didn’t do anything “wrong”. You did what you felt was right for your personal circumstances at the time. Even if you feel differently about it now, it was right for you at the time...

For now, I would suggest trying your best not to beat yourself up over it and remind yourself that plenty of women who terminated a pregnancy later end up as mothers. Timing and individual circumstances is everything...I see you as a good person who had to make a difficult decision.

I would suggest talking to your GP about your struggles, and seeing if s/he can refer you to more specialised counselling support that can help you...just a gentle suggestion....

You’re in my thoughts today. Maybe repeat this to yourself ”I’m a good person who had to make a difficult decision.”

I think you’re brave and honest, and I really admire your courage...

Kindness and warmth,

Pepper

[Wander]

Pepper,

Thank you so much for delivering such a thoughtful reply, and for your understanding.

I know what your saying is right but I can't shake the guilt all the same.

Are there counsellors or services that specialise in helping women who have had a termination?

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Wander,

It’s lovely to hear from you again. I think that I get what you’re saying...those feelings you described sound very painful...

I would suggest that you try to look up Children by Choice online as they have a helpline (one no. for Queensland and a different no. for all other states). They help out with a range of pregnancy termination services and support, including post termination care and emotional support.

Just to give you a little background, Children by choice is a not-for-profit organisation that is funded by the Queensland Government (but you don’t have to be in QLD to call them). The organisation is also recommended on HealthDirect Australia; a government owned, not-for-profit organisation.

It might also be worthwhile giving HealthDirect Australia a call on their 24 hour helpline (you should be able to find it if you look them up online) as they might have additional counselling services that might be helpful.

I hope this helps. Once again, I think you’re very brave in reaching out and sharing your story...

Please don’t hesitate to write to ask questions, purge feelings, vent, etc. This is a safe space for you...I remember what it was like for my friends who terminated pregnancies so your post particularly moved me. I recognise the difficult and mixed emotions in you...

Kindness and warmth,

Pepper

[Wander]

Pepper,

You have been tremendous help, I will look into children by choice and health direct Australia. I didn't realise the services existed. I probably should have been more probing when I had the procedure, as this information wasn't shared as standard, although I didn't think I needed help at the time.

Thanks again Pepper for your knowledgeable and kind words.

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Wander,

No worries at all, you’re most welcome. I’m just glad you reached it for help here and were so brave and candid in expressing your feelings. Sadly, I feel so few people talk about post termination feelings so it gets swept under the rug sometimes...

Just as a heads up, Children by Choice is obviously more specialised but HealthDirect Australia is more general but it’s a great access point to find out about additional/specialist support services (just let them know what you’re looking for because as the name implies, they cover all areas of health).

Good to hear from you again and wishing you all the best. Please don’t hesitate to write again if you want to share or ask anything...as I said, this is a safe space for you.

Kind and caring thoughts,

Pepper