Hi everyone, this is my first post so sorry if I break any rules, but
I’m recently having quite a hard time dealing with thoughts about my
sexual assaults from my past. With lots of people becoming more open
about talking about sexual assault, it see...
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Hi everyone, this is my first post so sorry if I break any rules, but
I’m recently having quite a hard time dealing with thoughts about my
sexual assaults from my past. With lots of people becoming more open
about talking about sexual assault, it seems to be bringing up the
memories more often. The first time I was raped was 8 years ago when I
was 18 by my best friends much older boyfriend, and it was a complicated
situation where I was blamed and received large amounts of abuse for it.
I lost frienfs, and it was a hugely traumatising experience for me. Back
then I was from a small town and the people around me didn’t understand
that I was raped, they blamed me and said it was my fault. I dealt with
it but it creeps up on me now and again. I’m usually good at dealing
with my thoughts and getting on with life but recently I’ve been really
struggling to stop thinking about it. My partner, the love of my life,
is away on a work trip so I’m spending a lot of time alone and I’ve come
to realise how much I repress my thoughts when I am with him as I only
begin to feel like this when I’m alone and have time to think. Is this
normal? When I’m with him I barely think about it. But now I’m alone
it’s terrorizing me. But I never talk with him about it, he knows I have
been sexually assaulted before but he doesn’t know any details, although
the most recent assault happened while I was with him (I was assaulted
by his boss’ wife at a party while I was black out drunk) and it was one
of the only times we’ve ever argued, because he was trying to work out
if he believed it was an actual assault or if it was consensual. Since
then we haven’t spoken about it, and I see my abuser on a regular basis.
It still hurts but I try not to think about it. Today I was triggered by
a friends facebook post, where she was openly describing what happened
to her when she was also sexually assaulted, and since then I’ve been
going over and over both of the times it happened to me. I feel like I
need help in managing my thoughts when im alone, because it seems that
when my partner is around I am distracted and don’t give myself enough
time to deal with my thoughts. I’m not sure if I’m just putting a block
on my thoughts, or if him bring around helps me deal with it. I just
don’t know. if he was here I wouldn’t be having these thoughts, but i
had to get this off my chest and see if anyone else has some insight.
PTSD for Medical and First Responders
