Life catching up with me scared to deal with emotions

[Shazzzy]

Life has had many ups and downs starting 23 years ago with 1st child diagnosed with Lissencephaly making us full time carers 24/7..... that was tough but toughest thing happened 9 years ago when my husband losing 20 years of memories taking him back to before our family started..... I’ve had to be strong and keep each day going for the kids and him we still have our family but I’ve never dealt with what it means to myself what I’ve lost also

while dealing with this all I’ve had 3 others kids to raise 2 with learning difficulties and adhd so been in and out of meetings, courts and everything else in between while keeping our family running

We have also has 4 deaths in the family over 6 years and 2 friends taken one to suicide that’s broken me to

who’s got time to deal with the emotions that come along with all this having no close social circle hurts to no one to chat to daily living remote sucks sometimes

this year my dad died and I still haven’t dealt with that yet it’s too hard to let the emotions out incase they don’t stop wish I could of said goodbye

Lost it yesterday hubby was looking at pictures and I felt lost, robbed, sad, angry even pissed off that we’ve lost so much of us it’s not the same only I remember our past and I feel robbed we can’t share these memories together yes we get to make more but our life together seems empty without these to share

am I suffering ptsd or am I just lost in life

quick run down on me gotta now put on smile and head to work thanks to anyone who reads this

[Quercus]

Hi Shazzzy and welcome to the forums,

Wow. Just wow. No wonder you feel utterly overwhelmed. Even the pace of your post expresses how little time you have to yourself. A quick run down before work.

I have no idea if what you feel is PTSD. This requires seeing a medical professional regularly. However, it is glaringly obvious that you do need the time and space and resources to care for yourself at long last. My concern is... Is this realistic to you? Could you speak to your husband about making time for you to care for yourself a priority? If you've been putting yourself last for so long it is difficult to make change and demand that your needs matter too. As a Mum as well I know we always come last and usually there is no time, resources or energy left. So we plod along feeling crap.

My question for you to consider... How far do you have to fall apart before your needs matter?

It sounds hard but the reality is we can't care for others constantly at the expense of our own health and not hurt ourselves and burn out.

I know I make barriers to accepting help...

• Who else will care for my kids?
• I don't have time or the money or the energy after everyone else is cared for.
• I have to work.
• The kids need this... Hubby needs this...
• It just isn't realistic in our situation
• When the kids are grown and more independent I will...
• I feel selfish wasting family resources on me.

The list goes on and on. There will always be an excuse.

So Shazzzy when is it your turn to be cared for and to be a priority?

I hope you can return here and talk more.

Nat

[Doolhof]

Hi Shazzy,

I too welcome you to the community here. Nat has offered you a wonderful response. I don't really know what to add to it except to ask if you have supports in place for yourself and your family.

You mentioned that you live rural, I know that can suck sometimes when it comes to trying to gain support and services.

I'm wondering if it may help you to obtain some understanding around grief and loss. A lot of what you mention seems to involve a sense of grief, all of these experiences can compound, overloading your ability to cope (which is understandably overloaded!)

Have you tried talking with the beyondblue support team on 1300 22 4636, sometimes having a listening ear can make a huge difference.

Hopefully you will feel welcome here and supported as well.

From Dools

[Shazzzy]

Hi Nat

rganjs for responding it helps to have someone listen

i have a very supportive family esp my husband so if I say I need to look after me he will make that happen

i guess since we are carers 24/7 to our son it’s harder for this to happen

i talk to him about most things it’s hard to say I’m struggling years after his amnesia as I don’t want to send him back into depression also

i will talk to him tonight and on Friday I might go see the doctor and discuss my feelings (after I go do my first blood donation yes always find it easier to think of others)

again thank you

[Shazzzy]

TGank you Dools

i will give the number a call tonight

grief and loss could definitely explain some of my feelings esp about the 15 years of memories lost

thanks for responding it’s much appreciated