Need to talk and for someone to listen

[Quinn_tm]

4 months ago I finally acknowledged the sexual abuse I recieved at the hands of both my brothers, calling it for what it is. The strange thing is, I don't recall the ongoing abuse by 1 of them. I only know this because he came to me 12 yrs ago to ask for forgiveness. I did, only because I wasn't ready to talk. Internally, Things fell into place, for instance, who I had lost my virginity to. This is a big one, especially for a woman.

But I am ready now. This brother (1) has been an incredible support and allows me to ask many awkward questions. He does feel guilt and shame. It started at 7. He would have been 11.

My other brother started when I was 13 it occurred twice. He would have been 16. My 2nd brother denies it happened. I did chat to him to try to get answers, to forgive him for my sake. It's complex because despite this, I looked up to both of them and love them.
I was also physically abused by my grandfather and bullied throughout school. My father was a verbally abusive alcoholic.

I need to air this as I can't be open with it because (I hate to say) of the consequences for my brothers and my family. I know I didn't grow up in a safe environment as I was repeatedly exposed to my abusers. But airing this would devastate my mum as she tried her best to keep the family together. I internalised all my pain. Even to the point of blacking it out of my memory. i was diagnosed with depression as a teen, tried suicide multiple times. The counsellor I had back then never dug deep enough to expose the abuse then. All we discussed was the school bullies. I never did heal and now suffer with fibromyalgia.

Years later (I'm 32) and After months of treatment, I'm still finding it hard to find a way to put this trauma to bed. My psychologist tells me I need to find a way to move on but I don't know where to start. I would appreciate some advice and direction.

i am new here and I'll research the other threads too. But I'm desperate to tell my story and I thank you for reading

[LavenderTea]

Hey Quinn,

Thank you for coming to this forum and for your courage to talk about such a difficult situation.

I’m sorry that you’ve had to experience this. Those realizations must not have been easy to deal with at all. It must be hard knowing that something like this has been done to you, yet one of your brothers denies it, when that’s your truth.

Sometimes our brains will store away or repress memories of trauma, so it’s completely normal for you not to remember some of the abuse.

You say that you looked up to both of them and love them, it’s okay. To have lived with one truth for so long, and now find out that those who you loved took advantage of you – it’s not something you can easily resolve in your mind.

I’m sorry that you feel like you can’t talk about this with your family – that must be difficult.
It sounds to me that you may be experiencing posttraumatic stress – you’re not alone. Around 12% of Australians will experience posttraumatic stress in their lifetime.

You say that you were diagnosed with depression as a teen, is this something you are still experiencing? Often with abuse and traumatic events as such, individuals can experience symptoms of depression. In some cases, medication to treat the depressive symptoms can lessen the symptoms of the traumatic stress (such as sleep disturbances which may also be occurring with the fibromyalgia).

I’m unsure if your psychologist is providing any specific treatment, however there are a few treatments that are commonly used to treat posttraumatic stress. Some common approaches include talk therapy and trauma-focused cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT). You may be able to enquire about these with your psychologist, though, if you feel that they aren’t providing enough help, or if you feel that you cannot connect with them in a way that helps you heal, don’t hesitate to ask for a referral to another professional.

Thank you once again for sharing your experiences, and I hope you have found this helpful. Please continue posting if you would like to talk more.

LT.

[Quinn_tm]

Hi LT

thank you so much for replying. I was diagnosed with depression again early this year. At first I was managing without medication but am now taking a low dose along with the sleeping meds that I've been taking for the last 12+ years.

i have tried CBT in the past but I did not get much out of it. In the 3 sessions I have had with him, My psychologist is having me talk through my trauma. It's hard, but I'm not shying away from it. He tells me the answer to moving on are within me. I have been seeing a sexual abuse counsellor too (who is female) but both are lacking something. I think I need to see my gp again but I would love to find a support group or just to talk to anyone with similar experiences. I feel like I'm going through this alone

[smallwolf]

Hi,

Hi. Welcome to beyond blue with your sorrowful story. There was/is a book in my local library with a story similar to yours (child abused by step father) and how she dealt with disbelief from other family members. But I disgress...

On CBT... I have been seeing my psych nearly every 2 weeks since last Oct, and in all those occasions I mainly talk, and then get homework to do. Only now are we looking at core beliefs. In all the other sessions I think she is getting a sense of where I am at. So yes it is hard, and yes it is slow. But I am others here will be there with you (within this space) along the way.

My final thought are from another book I read titled "The book of forgiveness" by Mpho Tutu and Desmond Tutu, which came out of South Africa’s Truth and Reconciliation Commission. It talks the 4 stages of forgiveness, as naming the hurt, describing the hurt, forgiving and lastly, renewing or releasing the releasing the relationship. I cannot tell where you are in this process, but they do say each step can take a long time to get through. And may take multiple/repeated attempts. When you psych says it is within you, it might be within that context. Of not giving up.

As I said earlier, I will be here and if you have any questions or want to chat, please let me know.

Tim