Reliving trauma from sexual abuse

[Abrasumente]

Hi everyone,

this is my first post so sorry if I break any rules, but I’m recently having quite a hard time dealing with thoughts about my sexual assaults from my past. With lots of people becoming more open about talking about sexual assault, it seems to be bringing up the memories more often.

The first time I was raped was 8 years ago when I was 18 by my best friends much older boyfriend, and it was a complicated situation where I was blamed and received large amounts of abuse for it. I lost frienfs, and it was a hugely traumatising experience for me. Back then I was from a small town and the people around me didn’t understand that I was raped, they blamed me and said it was my fault. I dealt with it but it creeps up on me now and again. I’m usually good at dealing with my thoughts and getting on with life but recently I’ve been really struggling to stop thinking about it.

My partner, the love of my life, is away on a work trip so I’m spending a lot of time alone and I’ve come to realise how much I repress my thoughts when I am with him as I only begin to feel like this when I’m alone and have time to think. Is this normal? When I’m with him I barely think about it. But now I’m alone it’s terrorizing me.

But I never talk with him about it, he knows I have been sexually assaulted before but he doesn’t know any details, although the most recent assault happened while I was with him (I was assaulted by his boss’ wife at a party while I was black out drunk) and it was one of the only times we’ve ever argued, because he was trying to work out if he believed it was an actual assault or if it was consensual. Since then we haven’t spoken about it, and I see my abuser on a regular basis. It still hurts but I try not to think about it.

Today I was triggered by a friends facebook post, where she was openly describing what happened to her when she was also sexually assaulted, and since then I’ve been going over and over both of the times it happened to me. I feel like I need help in managing my thoughts when im alone, because it seems that when my partner is around I am distracted and don’t give myself enough time to deal with my thoughts. I’m not sure if I’m just putting a block on my thoughts, or if him bring around helps me deal with it. I just don’t know.

if he was here I wouldn’t be having these thoughts, but i had to get this off my chest and see if anyone else has some insight.

[PamelaR]

Hell Abrasumente and welcome to Beyond Blue forums

Very pleased you've found your way to our community. Thank you for sharing your story. You're very brave and courgeous. It is good though you have the distraction of your partner to help when he is there.

The people in our community are caring, friendly, supportive and non judgmental. So others will pop in to let you know they are listening and caring. Some will offer their stories and their experience of how they manage the trauma.

Getting things off your chest is really good. Who do you to talk to, e.g. a close family member or trusted friend? Talking helps. I know it is painful, and it will take time to work through it all. Are you seeing anyone for professional help, e.g. psychologist?

My thoughts are with you, as I too have been raped. The first time, repeatedly, when I was a child, then by my first husband and later by a colleague. None of these were every dealt with in the justice system. Similar to you, I was the one to blame. It was all my fault (NOT).

Those incidents are over 40 years ago now. I lived with the triggers for a long time and like you never talked with my partner and always found him a distraction. But there came a time in my life about 7-8 years ago that I could no longer cope and had a breakdown.

I wasn't hospitalised, but did have an extremely caring psychologist and gp. It took a couple of years to let go of the trauma. The triggers however were something else. For a long time I never immediately recognised I was triggered, this meant I used to go into anxiety mode, then depression. My most recent psychologist has given me tools to identify the triggers, to begin work immediately on the 'thoughts' that go with it, and to reframe my beliefs about myself. It's working!

One other tip when I was going through the worst of recollections was to - buy a red and blue checked shirt (the one like the first perpetrator wore) from St Vinnies with my partner then ceremonisely burnt it; envisage myself as a tiger with the strength and power to fight off anything and everything; packaged up all my traumatic emotions and feelings into a hot air balloon and let them go (someone pointed out that this is no longer environmentally friendly. You might need to think of another way to do it 🙂 )

Keep reaching out to us here, if and when you want to Abrasumente. You're not alone.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[Abrasumente]

Hi Pamela,

Thank you for your detailed and helpful reply.

I don’t really have anybody to talk to about this except my partner, but when he is around I feel happy and the thoughts don’t crop up as often so I never want to talk about it. My family are all in the uk and I don’t feel like I’m close enough to my friends here to open up like that (I’ve only resided in Australia for 3 years).

Back when the first time happened I had a few friends who stood by me, but being young and also having the blame put on me I put a guard up and wasn’t sble to fully express how I was feeling at that time as I truly thought it was my fault. I’ve always been good at quickly picking myself up after traumatic things have happened to me, but it’s almost as if im not allowing myself to process it, instead i push the pain to the back of my mind until times like this when I’m alone and the thoughts hit me suddenly after being bottled up for so long. I’m just worried that I’m not allowing myself to face the trauma properly and im just constantly unintentionally numbing it with distractions. I know talking helps but starting the conversation is quite daunting (especially as it’s something from the past).

I’m glad you were able to eventually and get help, 40 years is a long time to keep something like that bottled up inside. im hoping I have the courage to do the same when the time is right.

I actually did something similar to you with clothing. It was strange, but after I was raped he gave me one of his jumpers to wear for my journey home and I ended up keeping it for years, I’m not sure why because I couldn’t bring myself to even look at it but for some reason I couldn’t throw it away either so it lived in the back of my wardrobe for years. I eventually threw it out and that did give a bit of relief. I wish I’d burnt it though!

[PamelaR]

Hello Abrasumente

Sorry I've taken so long to respond, I've been away camping near the beach. Tremendously soul reviving.

I think you're right about doing something 'when the time is right'. For me, had I tried to look at the pain earlier on in life, I'm not sure what my life would have been like. Having learnt a lot in life, it helped to work through everything when I did eventually start therapy.

Being away from family must make things difficult for you. Especially if you're used to talking with family. I never was, but that's another part of my story. Also know what you mean about talking to friends. It was never ever something I did. For various reasons really - why would I want someone to have to listen to that, friends would feel terrible for me (couldn't stand that). So talking with a psychologist made it so much easier in that way. Never lessened the pain I had to go through, just helped to juggle it out of my body and my mind.

The art of distraction is something I had down to a T. So I totally understand when your partner is there your pain and mind are distracted and at ease. My technique was to work, study, exercise (use to cycle and swim), member of local folk club and community radio station. Far too much on to think about pain. Life came to a bit of a crushing halt though when my life started slowing down, menopaused started and my techniques for managing conflict no longer worked. Everything was getting in the way.

I do find myself often wishing I had dealt with the issues 40 odd years ago. There's this sense my life would have been 'better'. Somehow, I think not. When I reflect back on everything I've done over the past 40 years, it's nothing but joy and happiness.

You know, you could still go out to buy a jumper (from St Vinnies) that is similar to the one he gave you and take it out and 'burn it'.

From what you're saying, you might find it very useful to go to your doctor and get a referral to a health professional (e.g. psychologist, counsellor). You can get 10 bulk billed visits a calendar year. Also, useful to get a psych or counsellor who is familiar or experienced with rape, sexual trauma. Alternatively, there are phone and online services available - do a google search for Australia sexual trauma hotline. This will give you services available nationally and in your state.

Keep reaching out, if you want. I'll be around for a few days now, so won't take so long to respond.

Kind regards

PamelaR