Feeling hopeless intrusive thoughts [Trigger warning]

[Benno28]

Hey guys I'm new to this site. I am having a very upsetting problem at the moment where I will have super violent/sexual intrusive thoughts that are really against my nature and making my life a living hell. I have hit rock bottom I am scared and afraid. These thoughts only started a week ago after I remembered how they started when I was with my ex partner at the time. Anyway the other day I remembered all of this and thought to myself well I could have sick thoughts about anything so I did (to prove myself a point that thoughts are just thoughts) I just kept thinking more and more the most disgusting messed up things my mind could possibly imagine sexual/violent really evil stuff and now I'm a wreck. I have intense guilt and feel the need to confess this to my bestfriend who mind you most of these sick messed up thoughts were about and people close to her. I feel repulsed and evil the details in my mind were so graphic and sickening. I just can't confess this too her. I feel stuck I have literally spend hours upon hours worrying until I'm extremely sick. I am afraid of what the future is going to hold for me I'm loving caring want the best for everyone I am crippled in mental torment and afraid!

Bit of a backroud

- depression

- anxiety

- ocd

[RandR]

Hi Benno,

Thanks for reaching out and talking about your current situation and circumstance. You sound genuinely sincere, and someone who acts out on kindness. I don’t at all mean to sound insincere of your current thoughts, but have you any idea what may have triggered anything recently? How long have you had these thoughts for?

Like you, my background was major depression with a touch of anxiety. I’d be lying if I said some of my dreams and thoughts whilst dreaming didn’t worry me from time to time. The mind as they say, can have a mind of its own. Although I’ve had some thoughts that don’t match up with my character and moral compass, I’ve never personally acted on them. Nor would I ever.

The fact that you’ve reached out with your concerns is a positive and I hope someone might be able to shed some further thoughts. As for telling people your close with about your thoughts, perhaps refrain from doing so for now. Once again, I appreciate that these are just thoughts for now and nothing more.

All the best,

Raman.

[Benno28]

Hey Raman,

Thanks for the reply. I have suffered from OCD and anxiety my whole life in regards to what triggered these thoughts I don't no I have always been severely anxious and depressed, also had a very stressful childhood. These thoughts repulse me and I am not a violent person in anyway it was just literally the most messed up stuff I could think of and my brain just kept wandering and I started to obsess over these things and that make me think more unpleasant stuff. I am that depressed about this I cannot sleep or enjoy anything. I can't even enjoy talking to my best friend because of these thoughts. I'm suffering immense guilt and I am so anxious I feel sick.

[RandR]

Hey Benno,

No worries at all. I can imagine that due to these thoughts that it would gradually make you feel anxious and somewhat concerned. The stressful childhood I can also relate to. I feel there is good merit in the fact the the thoughts alone 'repulse' you. The alternative could be a lot worse and you may not have found yourself posting o BB to begin with. That's a positive that you have so remind yourself of that fact. Do you watch any kind of series, listen to podcasts or read out of curiosity? I'f I spoke to your closest friend (hypothetically) and asked them to honestly describe you as a person, what do you think they would say?

Best,

Raman.

[Benno28]

I told her about these thoughts the other day (saying that I had bad thoughts about loved ones. I did not go into detail especially because some are about her family like what the hell.. But she said to me "I wish you could see yourself how I see you" she has been here for me for so many years and I am deeply saddened about this. I'm empty. I feel like I have to confess it to her but I can't I'm in the worst state I've ever been in the thoughts are Soo messed up.