Narcisstic mother & Absent father Daily Emotional Abuse as a Child

[Raffijane]

It has only occurred to me very recently the depth of the trauma I have experienced. I can barely navigate through the complex sadness & feelings. I am in my early 50's. Emotional abuse as bad as it can be. My mother is the most manipulative and cruelest person I know. She has isolated all her 4 adult children and trashed every one of us to anyone who will listen. We are estranged from each other and other family. I just need somewhere public to vent this. To read the words and on some level validate this for me. I struggle with every close relationship driven myself hard to carve out a very successful career. I have had a family-two adult children, I have a marriage and possibly from the outside look 'normal'. Inside I am hurt and every bit an abused child. I feel so lacking in the skills and everyday relationship require. I am self doubt, anxiety, depression on anti-depressants & very lonely. I struggle to have close friends and I have issues with intimacy. Despite being the peacemaker, the organiser, the helper, the court jester and anything else required of me I have always been the greatest disappointment to my mother. I grew up with judgement, hatred, spite, raw emotion, jealously and constant need being placed upon me. I don't talk to my mother anymore. Its been 12 months. She is in her late 70's and as she has gotten older has become more vicious and devious. My father died 20 years ago and despite her claiming he ruined her life since his death her life has got worse and unraveled into something so feral and nasty I miss having a relationship with a parent, with my mother more than anything. My childhood has left me with deep deficits. As the oldest child of 4 I very quickly became the abandoned pet when the other children were born and nothing has ever been good enough, valuable enough ever to capture her attention. I have no concept that a woman who claims to value family above all else has destroyed it and destroyed individuals as much as she possibly could to maintain control.I feel like I have no support. No one has my back. No one loves me with such fierce unconditional love (like a parent should) that I am important. I feel alone, lonely, sad, damaged and closed off. My memories are all yelling, screaming, gutter language, abuse, household items being thrown across rooms and hatred. I have no memories of love, acceptance, fun or understanding.

Does anyone have fractured complex family relationships even remotely close to this?

[Croix]

Dear Raffijane~

Welcome here to the Forum. This is exactly the right place to vent, there are many who would understand exactly.

What happens in early life makes a huge difference, and if one has toxic parents it can realy leave one without the tools to live life as one should. I was lucky in that I was only dis-inherited, which simply pointed out an absence of parental love, and even that was hard enough to get used to.

I think you are very wise not to be in contact with your mother. As I found out with mine a lifetime later does not necessarily improve a person and corrosion of the soul by such a person should be avoided. Have you ever come across The Desiderata (a non religious prose poem)?

You mentioned several people in your life, adult children, your spouse and your brothers or sisters. Are you close to any of them? Sometimes being understood and supported be even one person can make a difference.

You sound pretty capable, peacemaker, the organiser, the helper, the court jester and anything else required and I guess anyone who has not had to endure the history you have would feel at least some accomplishment and worth.

Are there things in your life that do let you see your strengths and abilities? Come to it are there things you enjoy simply for their own sakes?

I should ask - are you simply being treated with AD's , or therapy as well? I found I needed both.

I do hope you can come back and we can talk some more

Croix

[Raffijane]

Hi Croix My siblings and I have a very fractious relationship. I have an awesome relationship with my husband and children. My intimacy issues make my marriage difficult at times. I am getting counselling now-mindfulness and meditation. I have had counselling at different times but I am not sure it really helped. What I really want is to be able to be present with the childhood I had. I am just so aware of it all at the present. Its hard in everyday life particularly when seeing other families, relationships, people. I sometimes feel trapped by the past. A cage of silence. I know that no-one is perfect and I know that relationships and families etc have issues and problems and nothing is what it seems it is just that some days or even weeks I feel very alone. I will read that poem. I think I have once before but I cannot remember it!

[Croix]

Dear Raffijane~

If you have a good relationship with your partner and children you are blessed, even if there is that cloud over intimacy. I often think that realy good specialist counseling services dealing with that subject alone on a practical basis would be a great help.

About the only thing that has been a positive out of my upbringing as been a determination to treat my parents as the very best examples of what not to do and so try my hardest to do the opposite.

The reason I thought of that poem in part was because it said:

"Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans ... it is a real possession in the changing
fortunes of time."

Which is something maybe both of us might need more of. I really don't think you can have excellent relationships with partner and kids (of any age) without being an admirable and lovable person yourself.

So yes there may be silence about the past, perhaps if that seems the most imortant thing to you then you should think of ways to make it become an acknowledged part of life, would for example your partner be a person it's likely you could confide in?

Croix

[PamelaR]

Hi Raffijane and warm welcome to the forums

I do feel for you very much and just wanted to let you know. You are not alone. I too come from exactly the same type of family. When I read the title I thought it could have been one of my siblings writing. But no, we are not related.

My heart goes out to you. I started therapy about 20 years ago for my family upbringing. And I'm still dealing with the fall out. But the good news is - it's a lot better now than it was 20 years ago. Each day is better and better.

The therapy takes awhile to work and there are so many different types. You talk about mindfulness and meditation. These are good, but were never enough for me. I had to do some CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy), ACT (acceptance committment therapy), MCT (megacognitive therapy) - I can keep going. I've had three very good psychs, each one helped me - some with a range of differetn styles to suit my particular needs.

I have a lot of happiness with my hubby, his siblings (and his parents when they were alive), our two cats and a few very close friends. Accupuncture and reiki helped my intimacy issue. I've retired now and started making peace with my brothers. My parents have both passed away. In some ways it makes things easier, I don't have to pretend any more.

Keep reaching out, when and if you want Raffijane. You're not alone.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[Bellepointpenn]

Your story really spoke to me. My mother is very narcissistic and my dad has been absent most of my life. I have clinical depression, anxiety and trauma due to severe abuse and neglect my entire childhood.

When you spend your whole life surviving, you don't realise the aftermath of those experiences. I'm 24 now and have a lot of trust and intimacy issues.

I too am a peacemaker and the class clown who is deathly afraid of confrontation. I am always feeling defective and full of shame because of experiences that no child should endure. I feel as though we have a lot in common