Everything hurts, I didn't realise emotional pain could feel so excruciatingly physically painful. My chest hurts, my head hurts, my eyes hurt. A number of months ago I finally escaped the cycle of a protracted year long breakup with a man who told me everyday he loved me while controlling and abusing me. He still tries to contact me despite being blocked on facebook, phone, and email. I was reduced to an emotional wreck and felt like a shell of the bubbly, passionate person I was three years ago before all of the mess happened.
Recently I started seeing another man. It took so much courage to do it because my heart was still so fragmented. He has been kind, caring, generous and thoughtful. He knows that I am struggling from the break up and was ok to take things slowly. Yesterday we slept together, he met my family and I finally opened up and shared about the trauma of my past relationship. Because of the sexual abuse I had experienced, sleeping with him bought up the most heart gripping anxiety and afterwards I sobbed into his chest. I know it wasn't fair but I couldn't keep the hurt inside. Last night we spoke and I told him I wasn't ready to keep sleeping with him. He was fine with that but told me that all of this changed things, he was ok with me asking to not sleep together but didn't want to be a rebound. I know that, I understand, and maybe I have used him to help me heal from the difficult relationship I have had. In saying that, I can see myself in long term relationship with him and I guess I didn't realise how awful my past relationship was until I experienced the kindness and respect he has shown me. He doesn't want to continue the relationship and I am left raw and so incredibly exposed. I feel like I've made myself so vulnerable to him by sleeping with him and sharing so deeply that the rejection is so painful I feel like I'm drowning. I don't know what to do. I didn't sleep last night and I don't know how much pain I can experience without breaking down completely.
