Help am I depressed or over sensitive? (Trigger Warning - Sexual Abuse)

[Alex18]

Hi I’m in uni at the moment and have always felt this huge immense pressure since highschool to do well and knowing that I am an average student at best no matter what I do has thrown me into a depressive state for years. I’ve lost enjoyment in everything I used to love. I think about suicide a lot but would never do it. I’ve been sexually assaulted multiple times but never fully raped. However I get extremely emotional about it even though it happened years ago. Every night before bed I think of scenarios in which I’m raped or assaulted. I get these feelings of immense sadness and feel worthless but immediately I say I am extremely privileged my parents are paying for my uni I’ve never been raped I have no reason to feel this way. I don’t even cry anymore I just lay down for entire days because the way I feel stops me from doing anything. Idk if it’s depression or anxiety- I don’t consider my self an anxious person and when I’m out with people you would think the opposite of depression but when I’m alone thinking of who I am I feel nothing but hate. Is there a certain type of depression this may be? I’m wondering specifically why every night I think of those scenarios when I’m raped except when I do I don’t feel any feelings of fear, just normality. This was super brief and rush but the general idea is there. What should I do?Any help would be appreciated thankyou

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Alex18,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for being here! I really appreciate you opening up.
There’s kind of a lot to your post (which I’m grateful for) but I want to try and break it down a bit so I can do it justice.

I kind of get this sense from your post that because you were sexually assaulted and not raped, maybe there’s not enough reason to feel the way you do. Am I right in saying that? You mentioned that you were privileged because your parents are paying for uni (and that’s nice), but the way I see it none of that is relevant.

Alex, you were sexually assaulted. That is a massive violation of your own personal space. It’s traumatic and unfair; you shouldn’t have ever had to go through that. Your pain is just as real whether you had clothes on or off, whether you were raped or not - all of it is awful and you didn’t deserve it.

I can’t tell you whether or not you are depressed and only a GP can tell you that. What I can tell you though is that what you’re describing seems so far from over sensitive it’s not funny. It sounds like a totally normal reaction to what you’ve experienced. You’re coping in the way that you know how, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Sometimes people lay on the floor and cry, others may go numb.

As for getting help though, I think you’ve done a great step by reaching out to us. Maybe the next step could be reaching out to someone else, like your GP or a counsellor? Have you ever talked to someone about what’s been going on for you?

[romantic_thi3f]

I’m wondering specifically why every night I think of those scenarios when I’m raped except when I do I don’t feel any feelings of fear, just normality.

I’m sorry I forgot to answer this question!

I think what’s happening is that your brain is trying to find a way to process what happened. Sometimes when people go through traumatic/difficult events, they’ll either switch off and become numb, become incredibly afraid, or even feel like it’s just another ‘normal day’. There’s no right or wrong way to feel as the brain is very weird - but it is normal.

[Alex18]

Thankyou so much for your response.

Yeah i did unlod quiet a bit haha. Thankyou for clarifying that i canhave these feelings without needing to justify them.

I went and did counseling roughly 5 years ago which i believe did help however as i was young and it was a traumatic experience i can barely remember any of it.

I think from your response i feel better about having these feelings but am thinking of reaching out to a counselor or GP

Thanks again

[GoodWitch]

i wanted to respond to this because I too was assaulted as a young girl more than once and for many years I told myself it was nothing because I 'wasn't really raped'. Like you I didn't give myself permission to feel bad about it, so I just tried to lock it away and ignore it (or 'suck it up' like a good, strong girl who wouldn't rock the boat by complaining) but of course that doesn't work as pain finds its way out of us no matter how deep we bury it. It seems to me your recent depressive symptoms could be those bad feelings working their way out of you. For some people that happens right away, for other it takes years. For me it was 20yrs before I even admitted to myself what had happened and another 10 before I allowed myself to call it what it was -- assault. There is no 'right way'. there is also no sliding scale of trauma, where some people get to express their pain and others don't.

It doesn't matter how 'bad' your assaults were, they were still assaults. sure maybe worse things happen to others but that doesn't mean what happened to you was nothing. your pain is just as valid as anyone else's. Once you realise that you can start working on it. Counselling might help, or reading other people's stories so you know you're not alone and you're 'allowed' to feel what you do.

Also wanted to say about you thinking you are 'average'. The vast majority of people are average, that's why it's called average :). There's absolutely nothing wrong with it if you are average, but also have a think about what standards you are applying to yourself. Whose measures are you using to decide you're not exceptional? Why let comparisons to others define you? You are you, and in that way you are special because nobody else is your exact combination of traits, abilities and features. All we can do is be the best version of ourselves and comparing ourselves to others gets in the way of that. Find things you like about yourself and focus on them. Even one tiny thing to begin with and try to build on that. Like today I got out of bed and went to class. Today I exercised. I own a lot of funny T-shirts. Whatever it is, congratulate yourself on the things you do do well if you can.

I hope this helps a little. All the best Alex18

GW

[Alex18]

Thankyou this post makes me feel less alone and the end was very helpful thankyou ❤️