Recovering from an abusive religious cult

[ImNotSure1]

So this may be a strange issue, but I've felt like putting it into words in a place where I can get some advice maybe.

My family and I have left a spiritually abusive church, which had all the signs of a cult. It's kind of difficult to describe, because it's a very under reported thing, and I don't want to get all religious on you, but it left us with some pretty bad issues. It's not due to any one event, but rather a culmination of lots of little things over the years that slowly crushed us. When we left, we felt like we were literally fleeing.

We lived in this isolated bubble for almost 15 years, with no real contact with any other people except for normal day-to-day happenings at the shops, etc. That was basically it. We lived together, we homeschooled and we all worked in this "family" run business. I won't even get started on the illegal practices that went on there. All of my friends except for one, who lives interstate, were in that church, and now they are gone. They have nothing to do with us, like they don't even acknowledge us as we pass them in the shopping centre, even though we spent our lives with them. I never learnt how to make friends because there weren't any friends to make. No one came, and the people that did leave we were told to shun.

Now I literally feel like an alien from another planet. I'm in this position where churches or anything remotely related to God are terrifying places for me. The symptoms are basically PTSD. To compound that, I've lost all of my friends. My closest friend lives interstate, and I'm pretty close with my sisters, but that's it.

I am too scared to make any because not only am I hugely introverted, but this whole thing has left me with what must be social anxiety. Because I had to work in the aforementioned business from a young age, like 14, I was forced to grow up really quickly and now I don't relate to people my age at all because we have nothing in common. I haven't done anything they have or experienced anything "normal" teenagers would have. I don't meet new people or form deeper relationships because I feel to scared to have to confront these issues or risk being invited to church or youth or whatever and have to turn them down.

I know it will get better with time, but right now I'm in a very ugly place.

I don't normally post stuff like this, but I just felt like it might help. Hopefully there's someone out there who can relate or share their own similar experiences.

[LaneJ]

Hey ImNotSure,

Welcome to the forums. It's great that you have posted and tried something new. I know it can be really hard to open up about personal things that have happened in your life, but it's good to have somewhere to vent if it has been worrying you or stuck on your mind.

While I don't have a lot of experience with the issues you have spoken about, I do want you to know that you don't have to worry about getting "all religious" on us. This is an important part of your life so you should be able to speak about it if parts of it have caused you some concern. We don't always nessecarily have to have the same experiences or beliefs to provide support to each other.

I'm wondering if it might be useful for you to write down a list of things that make you feel relaxed so that when you start feeling worried or down you can refer to the list and do something to make yourself feel calm. It might be things like listening to music, reading or visiting a particular place that makes you feel good. Do you think have a list like this would be useful?

Im also wondering if you would ever consider talking to a GP about your thoughts and experiences? They might be able to refer you to someone that you can talk openly with. Someone who will listen and help support you through your social anxiety. What do you think?

lanejane

[ImNotSure1]

Hi, lanejane, thanks for taking the time to respond so quickly 🙂

I appreciate that I can be open. I'm pretty reserved even in normal life, so talking about these things is quite difficult for me. I think also I sometimes feel like it's a bit of a silly issue, or maybe a small one compared to others like depression, especially since there's not a lot of support for it online. The church had a silent "don't talk" rule, where even though we knew there were issues there, no one spoke about them. I feel like even now we've left, it's still hard to talk about these things with other church-goers, because maybe they don't quite understand how a Church, which is supposed to be a safe place, could be like abusive. And when I say abusive, it's not physical, but more like mental/emotional/psychological. It's hard to describe, but it's definitely damaging. It's was like this environment of constant fear and shame. Perhaps the easiest way to describe it is a totalitarian regime or something. If you've ever read Animal Farm by George Orwell, that's exactly what it was like. Our whole identity was built in that place, and everything we did was tightly controlled, so now I don't even know who I am really, or what I enjoy, or what I want to do with my life. We never had those choices to make.

I'll definitely try making a list like you suggest. but I should try and find something I can do when I'm not home and feel uncomfortable.

I have been tossing up the idea of seeing a GP or something like that, but again, it's just that it's so hard to express in words what happened, I feel like they won't understand the scope of it. I'll give it another thought though.

Again, I apologise if I seem like I'm rambling or not making much sense. It doesn't really make sense to me most of the time! It really is a strange thing.

Thanks for listening to me.

[white knight]

Hi and welcome

LaneJ has good advice

I lost a few family members to a Christian church that acts like a cult. So I know what you went through and these people are not Christians.

Having said that (I'm an atheist) it would probably benefit you to seek out another church that doesn't deal in that sort of twisted activity. Otherwise you might fall into some level of paranoia if you havennt already.

You have courageously left their clutches. They have closed ranks so you suffer, make sure they dont succeed.

Join local sporting groups, hobby groups and slowly you'll build a new life.

Its worth the effort.

Tony WK

[geoff]

hello I'mNotSure, I find your post to be rather interesting even though I too am an atheist but don't want to get involved in any religious discussion and apologies to those who are religious if I do happen to offend them.
Since you were locked away to be mentally and emotionally indoctrinated the world around you has been going on unbeknown to you, and now that you have left, all of this has caused PSTD a strong form of depression, and now you will have to get reacclimatise to what's been happening in a world you were hidden from.
You will need to do a lot of reading, newspapers, TV and scan the net, but there is one concern that worries me, and that's that you may feel as though you don't have any security or companionship in what this cult has taught you in their own way.
I'd like you to google this 'how to cope after leaving a cult' which you may have already done but it will take to many other sites, which I hope will encourage you to move forward.
People in 'the real world' show emotions, cry and laugh at anything spontaneously.
Not much help I'm sorry, but I hope you can get back to us. Geoff.

[Croix]

Dear I’mNotSure~
Please don't apologize, you are welcome here, your problems are as great as any and you are making sense. I’m responding to you because I was in a parallel situation – sort of (& because I’ve read Animal Farm:)

My situation was not as all-encompassing as yours but close enough for me to have a glimmer of understanding of how oyu feel. I was a policeman and was invalided out with PTSD, anxiety and depression. That was a long time ago but back then was a total disaster. My identity, vocation, social life, aspirations, authority figures, hobbies and just about everything else was lost the moment I handed in my gear, walked out of the station and started to drive home.

So now the world was a very different place and all I felt was grief and being totally lost. I did not have any idea who I was. It was not possible to keep in contact with former colleagues for geographic reasons so I had my family and nothing else.

I floundered for a while, then my wife suggested study. It was a measure of both my desperation and lack of involvement that I just picked something out with a pin.

I guess I was very lucky on two counts. Firstly to have a caring imaginative spouse, and secondly the course ‘clicked’. Although it took me longer than normal due to the side effects of my illness it became a real saviour with work, structure, social activity and a sense of accomplishment. After I passed it led to other things.

So what am I saying? I found getting immersed in something new helped me immensely. You have had some pretty good advice from lanejane, Tony WK and Geoff. If it was me I’d book a long appointment with my GP and set it all out, see if you fall under the umbrella of anxiety. In passing I found I had to write everything down first and share the paper to make any sort of sense in the consultation.

I’m glad you can get on with your sisters, being totally isolated is horrible.

Please keep letting us know how you are going

Croix

[Starwolf]

Good to meet you, I'mNotSure,

Though never part of a religious cult, I can relate to the aftermath of your experience. You see, I grew up in a toxic family environment. My mother was a mentally disturbed control freak with very unrealistic expectations of what a child should be. Emotional abuse was all I knew. Questioning was only met with physical punishment. So I get what you have to say about living in constant fear and shame. I too have experienced the damage done and the search for a sense of identity. I feel the distress along and between the lines of your courageous post.

PTSD is a very serious matter, a medical condition that should be regarded and treated as such. I'd suggest you take tossing the idea of seeing a GP a step further and actually book a long appointment for proper diagnosis. Face to face conversation about a troubled inner world can be daunting. What you can do is put your thoughts and concerns into writing, just like you have done here. This could be handed over to the doctor who would then take it from there. You may need counseling to help you find your feet, establish a strong foundation on which to rebuild suppressed personality.

It is not a GP's role to guide you through this but s/he can refer you to someone who will. There's no need to struggle alone with this journey of self-discovery.

Writing helps clarify a lot to ourselves. I hope you will continue to post and look forward to reading more from you.

[ImNotSure1]

Thanks all, it's kind of good in a way to hear other people have gone through similar things. Sometimes it's so easy to feel like you're the only one.

white knight, I'm sorry you lost people to one of these groups. They really are the exact opposite of Christian. The number of people who come out and abandon their beliefs completely is shocking. We were on the cusp of doing the same, so it's good that we left when we did.

I think the biggest thing for me about seeing someone is just the overwhelming feeling having to open up about everything. It feels impossible to put 15 years of abuse into words. I'm still to this day reflecting and making realisations and seeing things for what they really were. I'm a guy that naturally internalises my thoughts and feelings, and because my other family members issues were more visible (like pretty bad depression), I started to suppress my own as not important enough to get checked out, or that I was just being over-dramatic or something.

I'll strongly consider making an appointment. I'm also going to start putting as much down on paper as I can and see where I go with it.

Thanks again for the replies. It's been very encouraging to read through them.

[Starwolf]

Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

Please rest assured that you are far from alone. 1 in 5 people will experience some form of mental condition during their lifetime.

I agree that opening up about our inner demons doesn't come easy but putting it all out there is a necessary step towards healing. Unattended wounds do fester and spread their toxicity from the inside. Also, the need to bottle up only creates extra pressure. Well done for considering giving professional help a go.

Kudos also for writing down your thoughts. It is amazing what can come to light in the process. Reflection is a good way to start bringing a bit of order into chaos.

Your willingness to confront the damage caused by years of abuse shows courage and resilience, terrific assets to have on your side. I have the feeling that your feet are firmly set on the path towards both recovery and discovery.

We'll be here to support and cheer you on whenever needed.

[ImNotSure1]

Thanks for your encouraging words, Starwolf.

I hope this is the beginning of some kind of recovery for me. I feel kind of bad for leaving it this long, actually. We've been out for over two years now, and I don't feel like I've made any measurable progress in that time, in fact I think I've gotten worse in terms of anxiety and such. I don't even know what prompted me to share my story here to be honest, but it seems to have helped a bit knowing there are others apart from my immediate family who share some of my struggles.

Well I don't really know what to write anymore. There's so much more I could say about my past, but it feels like something I'll have to write to myself, if you know what I mean.