Parental abuse

[Darbs]

I am at a loss over two sons and there wives.Son 1 since meeting his now wife has become more and more distant. We know he isnt happy but he is besotted with her, she abuses us the odd time she sees us ( in 12 years together we have seen her about 6 hours). She has written abusive letters and phonecalls, which dont makesense, we let them live in our rental, our son lived in it with his brother before meeting her ,they were ideal tenants, she moved in and the place was trashed,we had to fix it and sell it, she has convinced our son he has had a horendous upbringing ,made sure he doesnt see any friends and his siblings. She is on drugs and we have been recently told she is now giving them to our son and she verbally abuses him daily. Yet he still stays. This year we didnt get to see him christmas or his birthday ,she never turns up he until this year would come alone for half an hour most of that time We love our and are at a loss of what to do. There is an argument that is in her head we have never argued with her but have been yelled at , she makes up issues , we sold the family home and moved into an apartment because we are in fear of our sons wife .Son 2 is happily married to girl who only has things her way, when it comes to us, we were not allowed family or friends at there wedding, her parents were, I was told by her father “boys dont see there mothers once they are married !!!, “I look after there daughter once a month but have to do the pick up and drop off, I am unable to pick her up now , I am still happy to have her, I now look after our other grandchild ( son 3’s child) on the same day ( both are under 2 ) I am strife again. I dont have two car seats, I cannot do the right thing by these girls and thus miss out on seeing my sons too, son 2 wife this year has told me there will be no mothers day as she wants to do it as a family. I cannot help wonder what I have done so wrong as its me who gets most of the flack. Things are good with son 2’s wife as long as I agree with everything and dont have an opinion.I am becoming more depressed we have tried so many avenues for help with son 1 and keep hitting brick walls. I am frightened of the two girls and have the most to loose, we dont understand how our sons stand by there behaviour, Until son 1 met his wife we spent years as a family together the kids had a great bond.This bond was broken by son 1 s wife.

[Croix]

Dear Darbs~

Your daughters-in-law sound horrible. Son1's sounds realy bad news with abuse of your son and you, plus the drugs. Son2's simply sounds selfish and determined to have her way. In your position I too would find it terribly hard to understand why your sons put up with it.

From the way you paint the picture I'm not sure if there is that much you can do to straighten things out. Have you spoken to your sons about all this?

We bring up our children with love and they go out into the world, from then on it is up to them. it looks like both your sons have been singularly unfortunate in their choices of partners. It is their choices however, and sadly you seem to be stuck with the consequences.

You did saw 'we'. Does that mean you have a partner, and if so what does your partner say? Hopefully you can be a support for each other. Do you get on OK with son3 and his family?

I don't realy expect you have gone wrong anywhere, sometimes other people have toxic natures and that's all there is to it. Perhaps for the sake of seeing your grandchild another car seat might be an option. I know it is catering to another's whims, but grandchildren can be a real source of pleasure and to have sensible and loving grandparents in a child's life is a most important thing.

Croix

[white knight]

Hi Barbs, welcome

Being a parent and then a grandparent often involves a change of position in the family. You are no longer raising sons, you are looking after and cherishing your grandchildren. You are also in a vulnerable position really.

The very best position for a grandparent is to sit back and just enjoy your grandchildren when you see them. And when your sons miss you they will come to visit. At the moment your sons have busy lives and want to enjoy their new married life.

Croix is correct to suggest buying another child seat. Sometimes these simple solutions are the best ones.

You said "son 2 wife this year has told me there will be no mothers day as she wants to do it as a family"... if your son isn't brave enough to stand up to her and her ideas of mothers day then it is his fault IMO. You are his mother and he should make the firm decision to see you that day. Why not suggest to your son to visit another day like the day before? Talk to your son not to your daughter in law.

You also said "She is on drugs and we have been recently told she is now giving them to our son and she verbally abuses him daily. Yet he still stays." Really, it is his decision to stay, its his life and his wife. And second hand rumours are unfair to everyone. I wouldn't listen to them, they aren't helpful. It demonises her and that isn't a fair solution.

There is a chance that these two daughter in laws are possessive and want your sons all to themselves. There is also a possibility there are other reasons. I would stay in the background and not make a scene, enjoy your grandchildren when you have them and praise your daughters in law when you see them for their good points. For example "you are being such good parents".

Working with them is better than working against them. Working against them can result in them breaking off all contact which is much worse a situation than right now.

Tony WK

[Darbs]

Thank you for your reply, it’s good to get a different perspective,my husband attempted to ring son 1 today, resulted in an abusive call to me by his wife, usual pattern yell abuse and hang up. If we try and talk it is taken that we are knocking her so haven’t spoken about issues for 11 1/2 Years our son has Aspergers, we try and ring once every 2 months, if no answer we try two moths later, and repeat. son 2 yes will by a seat. We are not rich and have granddaughter once a month from 8 am to 4.00pm, I am a parent of adult children, I don’t expect to see or hear from them daily or even weekly, we worry about abuse that we have witnessed and watched son 1 go from a tall proud gentle man turn into a angry sad and broken man there seems to be no way of helping him. Or us in coping with the loss of of our so ,son 2 goes with any ideas his wife has. I am in the wrong wanting daughter in law to drop her daughter off for me to look after I must pick up her daughter up and drop her daughter back. Only joy is son 2 is happy dispite the way we are treated. I have RA and had both knees replaced but must go on regardless, so extremely tired of the nonsense and frustrated with a system that can’t help. It seems growing up It was expected that we respect our elders,no matter the situation now I am grown up the tables have changed I have to respect those younger. Not have an opinion just go along and do what I am told be abused because I deserve to be

[Darbs]

Your reply white knight saddened me in many ways it is hard to put into words our situation, son 1 does not have children only sons 2 and 3, we love our sons and grandchildren we made the mistake of teaching our children x4 to be independent, to know love and respect for themselves and all around them,we don’t expect or want to see our children daily nor have any kind of influence on there lives, but would like to see them birthdays Christmas etc maybe even the odd family picnic we never get invited to there homes , I am not wanted around no point in trying thanks for your input , I will buy another car seat.

[Croix]

Dear Darbs~

The saddest thing I've read in your posts is what you said:

just go along and do what I am told be abused because I deserve to be

This is so unjust. A situation not of your making and you have to suffer all that, but to blame ourself as well! It is one of the unfortunate things in the human mind to take on blame which is undeserved. Someone who is treated harshly and insulted and put down may eventually come to believe all those words and actions have a kernel of truth.

You deserve respect, consideration and love. Its absence is firstly down to the attitudes of your daughters-in-law, each different but toxic in their own way. Sadly it is also down to your two sons, torn between two worlds and not strong enough to stand up for what is right. They should indeed be looking after their parents. Not living in their pockets, but ensuring their welfare, emotional and otherwise.

Please try to resist all those corrosive internal thoughts, and seek medical help if they become too entrenched.

Buying a second seat still seems a good idea, as I said your grandchildren need stable loving people in their lives.

Croix