Complex ptsd shame and self loathing

[Sick_Lizzy]

Hi everyone

Ive been battling anxiety and OCD for some time. I recently moved cities and starting seeing a new psychiatrist who also diagnosed me with childhood PTSD.

The diagnosis makes a lot of sense in some ways, and explains my anxiety and obsessive and intrusive thoughts but I also feel as though nothing *that bad* has happened to me to warrant this kind of diagnosis.

To give you a bit of a run down, and I'm sorry if this makes anyone uncomfortable or if this is oversharing; I exhibited some probably uncommon sexual behaviours as a child. I must have repressed the memory of this until about a year ago when I suddenly remembered and was filled with shame, guilt, and self loathing all of which has left me extremely anxious and depressed.

The thing is, I wasn't abused as a child, but rather I feel as though I abused myself. I'm finding it really hard to reconcile this within myself and feel like, I must have done this because deep down I am disgusting and abnormal person. I don't feel like I fit into the mould for someone with PTSD because I created this situation for myself.

I see a psychologist regularly and am on medication but am not seeing much of an improvement with these feelings of self disgust and being abnormal. If anyone can relate I think I'd feel less alone and helpless

Thanks for reading my weird post

[Croix]

Dear Sick Lizzy~

I've read what I can find of your other posts (sorry I've missed some I think). And I guess I'd like to say a couple of things.

The first is that there is no qualify or not qualify for PTSD or any other mental illness. As I'm sure you can appreciate we are all different and all react differently to things. As an example one of my causes for my PTSD was related to animal welfare, and I felt guilty about talking about it in the same forum as those that had been dealing with humans. But it's genuine nevertheless and part of me., as are other things.

You hurt and it is that simple.

I would expect most people would look back on their childhood and find many things they were not proud of, or even downright ashamed. I guess the overriding thing to remember is that a child's actions should never be judged by adult standards. Even if a child's actions have bad consequences it is not the same.

I've no idea what matters you are referring to, and I suspect in a way it does not matter, I also suspect you are judging far too harshly. You are in pain and blame yourself. Childhood actions are part of learning to be an adult, to be responsible, reliable, kind. Without the experiences of when we were small there is nothing to base life on. A good parent will guide their offspring, discipline as appropriate but never carry it to far or leave permanent grief because guidance is all that is necessary.

Thinking you are bad or disgusting or any of those other hateful thoughts is a trap. To escape from that trap takes several things. Medical support is not doubt part of it. Personal support from others, if there are any in your life, that you can rely up, who care. Being cared for helps, you are no alone and can realize you are worth caring for. Is there anyone like that for you?

Caring for yourself is important too - very important. I know you worry about your health so I'd expect your lifestyle is healthy with nutrition, exercise and rest. Beyond that having something every day to look forward to. Something you enjoy. Something that takes your mind away, is completely necessary. It is not being selfish, it is giving you the ease you need. I use books, movies, walks. What can you think of to do?

You are not alone, and no, you are not helpless, it is simply you have a task in front of you.

Croix

[stormcloudz]

Hi Lizzy

Your story doesn't make me uncomfortable, and it's not oversharing. I think it's great you have reached out.

Most of us actually think our trauma isn't *bad enough* to warrant all the "fuss" we make or the help we seek. You're in good company there.

I don't know what happened with you, so I don't know if this will help, but I can tell you that it's very common for kids to explore sexuality. It's part of their learning, in the same way that they learn about food, or words. They don't understand about all our taboos and shame, and they are learning about what's appropriate. It's part of a parents job to help kids navigate this and understand what "the rules" are - what's acceptable in public or with others, how to keep safe. Some parents are great at that, some freak out because their own parents didn't know how to handle it. Some b*stards take advantage of the innocence of kids, who don't understand what they are getting into.

My messages to you are:

1. It's not your fault. You were a kid.

2. I don't care what shameful things you feel you did, you deserve support and you belong here.

3. You have c-PTSD. I'm not going to gauge whether your experience was "bad enough", I just want you to heal, at your own pace and in your own time. And I'll quietly assume that your experience was really bad.

Lots of love and hope to you.

[PamelaR]

Hello Sick Lizzy

Some wonderful advice, support and caring from Croix and Stormcloudz. I'm one of those people who has childhood PTSD and cPTSD. Though I do find labels very limiting. So would rather not talk about these conditions that way.

While I was aware my childhood upbringing was not like others, I have still gone on to live a full and satisfying life. My hubby of 30 odd years has helped me. It was his loving care and support that helped me move from a troubled childhood. So moving on from the traumas of childhood are achievable. It takes time, patience and ongoing management of triggers and the subsequent anxiety and depression that stems from the triggers. We all did things during our childhood that are a little frightening now, but we were children. We can move on and let that go. It's okay.

In addition to my hubby, I've found a really good gp and psych. Both help me to maintain a reasonably stable life. I have a thread under Staying Well forum - What keeps you well. Have a look at what people are saying.

Be kind to yourself Sick Lizzy. Is there anything you want to talk about? (No pressure, and I'm not being nosey, just know that sometimes, a unknown face/person is easier to talk to than someone you know).

Kind regards

PamelaR.