Complex Trauma - newly triggered, anxiety, sense of urgency, and fears of abandonment after 30 years....?

[Idkme]

I have just had (as close as I can explain it) a feeling of being "triggered" just 2 weeks ago. I had a therapist that "saw through me" and brought up feelings and issues that I had long buried and suppressed, she encouraged me to explore through journal writing. Unfortunately things did not progress so well and I have been feeling like 'a cat on a hot tin roof'. I have made contact with Blue Knot (not sure if I can mention them here or not) but they helped me realise that I had been "hyper aroused" or similar and I needed to put all the things back into the box and just bring them out gradually and that it was much more important to feel safe.... I TOTALLY AGREE.

Problem is that, on the outside, I appear to be doing okay, but on the inside I am feeling terribly anxious and needy. I have met with a great CALM clinical psychologist but when my session ends I feel okay but by the next hour/day I feel alone and unsure of what to "do" to deal with the feelings of unsettling in my stomach. I am trying not to "stalk" my psychologist with emails and she tells me "we'll deal with them next session". I realise now I had not set up safety strategies to protect myself (which is pretty understandable considering I had never dealt with these things before). I have this sense of urgency to kind of talk about it or help me soothe... It's like I need to talk but I can't talk to any of my friends or family because they don't understand. I have had all the feelings or abandonement, disgust, shame, hurt, anger, internalised pain, regret, insecurities, flashbacks, panic attacks, self hate, etc. and all so fast and furious... I'm really not surprised that people resort to drugs, risky behaviour and 'other' actions to stop the "feelings".

I'm okay but I would love some tips on how to deal with this "sense of urgency" and "fear of abandonement" while inbetween weekly psychologist visits. I've tried mindfulness, deep breathing, mood apps, being aware of the senses, journal writing, earthing meditation (I've even tried to inflict pain, it's not recommended). Problem is the feelings just keep interfering and I struggle not to obsess over "thinking"... The only real kind of thing that works is to read and research 'everything' and eventually I'm exhausted and fall asleep... Some of those psych talks are quite dry after 1 hour (smiley face).

Love to hear from those who may survived something similar because I don't feel like a survivor... looking for hope.....

[Idkme]

Hi Chick in a guernsey,

its lovely to have you here and to read my posts, thank you.

I would absolutely be that person.... that’s why I ‘became’ a teacher, in a way.... I guess you could say I ‘run from the problems and hide’, but then that’s the only way I’ve ever known and it works as long as I can I associate with the job.....

i still have 2 weeks of work (public system).... and I have mixed feelings about the holiday.... I really hate the whole Christmas thing and unfortunately my kids suffer because of it (not really though because they don’t expect anything any more and we just have family time).

new year is another big hurdle.... my strategy.... leave it to the last minute, lol. It’s not a good strategy but it works... I do a lot of preparation for next years classes after work now and then spend the 2 weeks before school starts again with my teacher hat on.... I purposely give myself those 4 weeks off for just ‘down’ time.

The hardest challenge with meeting my students for the new year is the first week.... they are so incredibly nervous.... but then so am I... 😂. I even get cold sores from the stress, you’d think it would get easier over the many years I’ve been teaching, but it doesn’t really....

I guess it also lights a fire in my belly because I LOVE teaching. I enjoy the relationships I make and seeing the students grow in confidence and skills. It’s what I love most about teaching... watching them grow.... and I mean ALL of them.

Part of this new discovery that I ‘may’ be dealing with complex trauma, is that I’m learning I ‘can’ be more aware of the reasons I do or think things and change my self Belief while working on my trust issues.... I’m loving this discovery journey.... I’m just struggling with the ‘where to go for advice or just needing someone to ‘neutralise’ me at times when I’m bouncing all over the place.

Anyway..., what’s your strategy? Any suggestions?

[Idkme]

Hi Lee-Anne and welcome,

how incredibly touching that you have spoken up on here to not only validate my struggles but to declare your own.... that’s an incredibly brave thing to do and so wonderful that you have joined us.

Yes, the more I read back over my writing the more I see that 2 person view. Although I’m thinking now I’m 3 people, lol.

I see that childish vulnerable hurt girl inside who is crying out for love and attention and protection.....

I see the adult hurt, self destructive, soul broken, dissociative, fragmented one

and then there’s the ‘new’ me, who’s been hiding there all along and pops out her head from time to time to help others and to spread joy and comfort and reassurance and to feel content, resourceful, calm, earthed, loved, respected and free.

And that’s all part of this journey.... discovering who I am and how to self care more so that all three get what they need 😂.

Anyway, it’s so great that you commented... I hope you find lots of what you’re looking for on this forum.... there’s so many resources and lots of helpful people and advice....

thank you.

[PamelaR]

Hi Chick in a Guernsey (wave to Dkme)

Just wanted to thank you for you words of encouragement and support for my response to Aliysa. Thanks - big time.

Kind regards

PamelaR.

[PamelaR]

Hiya Idkme

Thank you so much for sharing more of your story. It helps to understand what you are going through. You sound a wonderful teacher. I wish I had you when going to school.

Finding oneself is an ongoing journey. It has it's ups and downs as you're already aware. To find the right advice is always going to be difficult. Sometimes people see things differently. Often there is no one right answer, there is no one size fits all.

Always remember you can jump on here when you feel you're needing to be neutralised. (Ohh, that's a hard word). Can't promise I'll be around. One of the things of learnt over the past 10 months is not to get drawn in and use all my spare time on BB. It's a hard line to draw for myself, but I've been working hard at limiting my online time here. It was getting a little out of control in the beginning.

BTW - I can relate completely with leaving things to the last minute. That is my strategy - I used to work well under pressure. If there was no pressure then my mind wasn't as bright as it could if I just had to get it done because the deadline was tomorrow. I tried being more organised, but that just lead to more procrastination and I truly believe the work I did during this time had room for improvement.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[Chick_in_a_guernsey]

Hi All,

Doing things at the last minute and under pressure must be a common trait! Sounds like the lead up to reporting and my ability to procrastinate over writing report card comments 😝.

I too enjoy having some down time over the longer Christmas break before getting back in to planning and a work mindset. I didn't really have much time for Christmas when I was younger and working shift work. After we had children I worked out that a career in law enforcement was not conducive to being the mother I wanted to be so I went back to uni and became a teacher.

I understand where you're coming from ldkme with respect to the nerves at the beginning of the year because the challenges and complexities are ever changing among the students and their parents.

I really enjoy teaching, 2019 will be my third year. Whilst I have moments where I miss my old career, I find teaching to be very rewarding whilst also challenging. I also recognise that it's a much better fit for our family.

I don't have too many strategies for getting set for the new year although I like to have a rough game plan in my head of what I want to achieve/organise and by when. I also like to have my room set up as much as possible before I go on holidays rather than leaving it til the new year. Somehow I'm happy to leave admin type tasks to the last minute but I like to have the physical environment and resources organised and ready to go ahead of time.

Here's hoping we can all have a nice break over the holidays and smooth transitions into the new year!!

[Idkme]

Thanks PamelaR

your wise words are once again comforting....

and Chick in a guernsey, you are my fellow sufferer.....

thank you

[Idkme]

Why am I doing this????

A question that keeps popping up..... why am I frustrated and so confused by all this?

The more I read the more I have questions. The more questions I have the more I have to read.... this unquenchable thirst is driving me insane.... I read until I can’t... I procrastinate and worry and read some more....

The longer my psychologist remains away the more I’m worried... but the only reoccurring question remains... why am I doing this?

I want to be rid of negative self talk and insecurities but the more I dig the deeper it goes....

ive tried having a break but that’s like saying to someone don’t worry about the spider sitting above their head...

anyway, I guess I want the solution.......

[Chick_in_a_guernsey]

Oh ldkme,

I think I get where you're coming from and I wish I could offer some kind of insight to help but I'm just not there myself. Hoping you find some support from others on here who've walked a similar path.

[Idkme]

Hi friends,

just thought I’d post another update and let you know how all doing...

I’m pleased to say I met with my psychologist again today. She is definitely a neutralising effect on me. I just find myself smiling..,, to start with it as a coping mechanism, but now I’ve turned it around and recognised the healing effect it has on me and make the most of the feeling it generates.

I have also come to the realisation that I have to trust the process.... it’s quite frustrating to me that there is no ‘plan’ or ‘agenda’. It seems so pointless and ‘unprepared’, however I know one of the things I struggle with is the need to control, so letting go and trusting the process is a big step for me.

I’m still surprised how much I’ve become reliant on our visits.... I’m a bit nervous about using the 10 visits all up in the first quarter of the year, it seems ridiculous that if you need help that it’s restricted.... if I’m helped and healed I can impact so many people in my life, isn’t that something that’s worth investing.... even the fact that I’m teaching so many new students of the future, including my children, should mean my mental health is important.

Its good to see more awareness around mental health now, things seem to becoming a little more transparent and one of the benefits is this forum. I’m hoping that others can benefit from discovering they’re not alone, or that there is hope.

So a good day today

be kind to yourself,

regards.

[Ayisha]

Hi Idkme

I just want to say how invaluable it is to have a wonderful supportive partner. Yes sometimes it is difficult communicating things to him as I don't like being put in a vulnerable state. You know...open to someone's judgements. I have always had trust issues and many, many poor marriages and relationships until i met my current husband 14 years ago. I am 58 years old.

I hope you have a wonderful Christmas and a fantastic New Year.

Ishy