need to end toxic relationship but I'm lost

[lostnbroken]

okay this is my first time posting anything ever but I'm not sure what else to do anymore.

we have been together for almost 10 years and over that time our relationship has become toxic, verbally and emotionally abusive.

now my only emotions towards OH is dislike anger and resentment.

I have been medicated for depression for over a year now. having a baby together really pushed me over the edge.

if we didn't have DC together I would have ended us already.

I did move out for a while when DC was quite young, but after going on a family holiday together (because it was paid for) we talked about counseling and I agreed to come home. counseling didn't work out, just caused more fights so we stopped.

all of this fighting happens in front of DC.

since DC came along it has been a never ending battle over who is the better parent. OH is controlling in the way OH thinks we should raise DC. I am always "wrong" and cant do anything right by DC according to OH. we have no routine in place for DC like bed time because OH 'wont get to spend enough time' with DC. which leads to over tired tantrums at 11pm. we both work early am shifts.

OH has poor ideas on diet. never cooks, wont offer fruit or healthy snacks etc and mocks me for trying to. now DC only ever wants to eat "treat" food.

OH has pointed out that I'm a bad parent every time I made a mistake or couldn't sooth a tantrum etc. and also pushes in to take over. and I just feel like OH half wants me out of the picture permanently.

OH abuses me about trying to parent DC like a time out for naughty behavior. but its fine when OH does it.

I really feel that while OH deeply loves and would do anything for DC; OH is not responsible enough for 50/50 custody.

OH is not good with money. takes no financial responsibility and I feel from experience will not be proactive in ensuring money is there for necessities. rent, energy bill, car payments etc. OH also has never ending fines unpaid.

also has habit of leaving jobs and being on "holiday" for weeks. leaving financial burdan on me.

hardly ever cleans or cooks. so I can not imagine DC being in a safe and comfortable environment.

OH "friends" and "habits"are not the type of people/things I want DC exposed to.

I grew up with an emotionally absent parent so I WANT OH to be a part of DC life and I feel like a monster that I think OH should have less than half custody.

we will seperate when the lease ends.

it kills me that DC is the real victim here. what do I do?

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I'm confused that you had a child that obviously your OH had bad habits and unsavoury friends before that? But those aspects are at the forefront now?

You had your child together but you dont believe he is entitled to 50% custody?

I'm sorry but this is why courts deal with custody issues because one or both parents believe they are the better parent. Otherwise courts would not be needed.

Financial competency has zero to do with custody as long as he can provide for his child. In a family court could you prove he cannot do so?- I think not. No case. I'm not a good money manager but I reckon I've been a very good dad and paid child support for 14 years without one late payment. We all have deficiencies.

"hardly ever cleans or cooks. Many men dont. Like him saying "my wife doesnt rotate the car tyres nor sharpen the mower blades" that is merely some differences between both of you. That doesnt make him a bad parent.

"so I can not imagine DC being in a safe and comfortable environment." Can you prove in a court DC will be unsafe? Discomfort is not unhealthy. It doesnt sound good really.

Interfering with your discipline of DC is not acceptable. A good counselor would address this.

"all of this fighting happens in front of DC" do you accept any responsibility for your part in that?

"What do I do"? Well, recognise your OH is equal as a parent. That just because he does things "differently" doesnt mean he is less entitled to equal access to his child. And the court will keep DC as its priority.

After separation with my first wife I was concerned with her not providing fruit to our young daughters. So every fortnight I'd feed them fruit. Also I'd give them jelly fruit snacks they took home and they took them to school for lunches, problem solved without consultation/confrontation.

I would try another counselor.

I hope you settle and your depression isnt too bad.

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Beyondblue Topic relationship strife, the peace pipe

TonyWK