Complex Trauma - newly triggered, anxiety, sense of urgency, and fears of abandonment after 30 years....?

[Idkme]

I have just had (as close as I can explain it) a feeling of being "triggered" just 2 weeks ago. I had a therapist that "saw through me" and brought up feelings and issues that I had long buried and suppressed, she encouraged me to explore through journal writing. Unfortunately things did not progress so well and I have been feeling like 'a cat on a hot tin roof'. I have made contact with Blue Knot (not sure if I can mention them here or not) but they helped me realise that I had been "hyper aroused" or similar and I needed to put all the things back into the box and just bring them out gradually and that it was much more important to feel safe.... I TOTALLY AGREE.

Problem is that, on the outside, I appear to be doing okay, but on the inside I am feeling terribly anxious and needy. I have met with a great CALM clinical psychologist but when my session ends I feel okay but by the next hour/day I feel alone and unsure of what to "do" to deal with the feelings of unsettling in my stomach. I am trying not to "stalk" my psychologist with emails and she tells me "we'll deal with them next session". I realise now I had not set up safety strategies to protect myself (which is pretty understandable considering I had never dealt with these things before). I have this sense of urgency to kind of talk about it or help me soothe... It's like I need to talk but I can't talk to any of my friends or family because they don't understand. I have had all the feelings or abandonement, disgust, shame, hurt, anger, internalised pain, regret, insecurities, flashbacks, panic attacks, self hate, etc. and all so fast and furious... I'm really not surprised that people resort to drugs, risky behaviour and 'other' actions to stop the "feelings".

I'm okay but I would love some tips on how to deal with this "sense of urgency" and "fear of abandonement" while inbetween weekly psychologist visits. I've tried mindfulness, deep breathing, mood apps, being aware of the senses, journal writing, earthing meditation (I've even tried to inflict pain, it's not recommended). Problem is the feelings just keep interfering and I struggle not to obsess over "thinking"... The only real kind of thing that works is to read and research 'everything' and eventually I'm exhausted and fall asleep... Some of those psych talks are quite dry after 1 hour (smiley face).

Love to hear from those who may survived something similar because I don't feel like a survivor... looking for hope.....

[PamelaR]

Hi Idkme and welcome to our community forums

Thank you so much for sharing your story. It sounds like it's very difficult for you at the moment. I completely understand that because I too have PTSD, anxiety and depression. Some years ago now I had a breakdown when my memory returned from a childhood trauma. That sense of not getting through from one week to the next is so reminesent of how I felt during my time of recovery.

It feels like there's nothing to settle yourself and that it will never settle. But it does Idkme. It all takes time and if you're anything like me, patience is not one of my virtues. I was always wanting it to be over and done with. To move on in my life, to the next chapter. However, the pages didn't turn as fast as I wanted. What did I do during those times -

Yes, i tried all those things you suggested. The other thing I did was played games - repetitive ones, something that maintained my focus on the game and nothing else. I still use this technique to tune out. It helps a little for awhile.

I'm assuming you've told your psych about how you feel after your visit? Have you seen your doctor recently - maybe they could offer a short term prescription to get you through the worst of it? I was prescribed medication - that is habit forming and had to be used with caution, but it did help to settle me when I was at my worst. I only took it about 4 times a week for a couple of months.

The biggest thing to remember is - you will get better. You have survived and you will survive this. This is nothing compared to what you are remembering and recalling now. Sorry this isn't a quick fix for you - it takes time. It does get better. You'll come out the other side feeling good about yourself and life. Let me know if there's anything you want to know. There are many people in our community who have experienced similar situations as yourself.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[Flighty]

Unfortunately I can't offer any advice but wanted you to know that you aren't alone !

I'm experiencing the exact same thing and really struggle from appointment to appointment. I find I'm extremely vulnerable after a therapy session and I will discuss this with my therapist at my next visit.

I know that creating a support network is really important but also extremely difficult when you don't trust people.

Hugs xx

[Guest_1211]

I’m sorry I don’t have anything helpful to suggest, but all I want to say is I completely relate - it’s like I wrote it myself.

Good luck x

[Idkme]

Thank you PamelaR

its nice to hear others have been there and done that too and it’s a well trodden track. It’s the first time I’ve ever dealt with psychologists because I’ve never trusted them and I don’t have a GP, so I’m hopeful. Knowing that what I’m going through is normal is soothing to hear. sometimes I feel it would be easier to bottle it all away again rather than having this huge distraction in my life ( it’s not fair that he is impacting my life all over again and once again my mother’s issues are bigger than mine so I can’t get the comfort I need from her). I’m just grateful I have a loving husband who tries to understand.

[Idkme]

Hi Kylie,

I’m so glad you commented because it’s so good to hear others have felt the same,

thank you

[Guest_1211]

I made a really stupid decision yesterday and texted my psychologist saying I don’t want to see her any more. Mostly because I didn’t know how to cope with working so hard to open up (and pretty much freezing and failing) then feeling like I had to shut myself down again to cope until the next appointment. I have now left myself with nothing to try to look to with hope to help myself and feel more alone than ever.

Just dont do what silly I did. Try to keep going. I have to work our how i go ahead from here now...

[Idkme]

Kylie,

I was told by a friend that psychologists are like hairdressers... if you didn't like the style or the conversation or you didn't feel comfortable, then change to a new hairdresser.... There are HEAPS of psychologists out there and there are more and more that will skype with you too if they feel that you can regulate enough and have some safety measures in place (ie someone is with you in another room and the psychologist has their number and vice versa). It's a good idea to have a few questions for your next psychologist, ie., are you trauma infomed?, do you believe in relational therapy? (a big one for me because I had to feel I could talk openly with the person), what is your "style"? I found by looking up the style they delivered it helped too.

I have to say for me that the Blue Knot foundation was particularly helpful (even though I had to leave my number and they called back (which was a bit distressing because I have a particularly busy lifestyle with family, work, etc. which is probably why it's taken so long to impact me). They recommended some psychologists as I'm sure many other helplines would do including Beyond Blue. All the psychologists replied to my emails and some who couldn't fit me in gave me alternative numbers to call, it was great to know they were willing to work with me.

So never lose hope, it might take a few psychologists but it's worth sticking to it out. (that's what I keep telling myself too, it's funny how it's so much easier to give advice then to receive it.... or so it is in my case anyway).

[Idkme]

One of the questions my psychologist asked me last session was how I became more present or recover from my inner child....

i replied ‘i Don’t know’.

I large hurdle in this task is that I don’t like thinking about me.... when I do I have very strong emotions.... it’s much easier to put myself in someone else’s shoes and ‘imagine’ what that would feel like.....

how do you come back to reality?

Its like I’m 2 people.... one is the adult me that is dealing with the demanding little child within. Hmmm maybe that’s a coping skill I could use ‘look for the adult within’. It does feel condescending though when you have to tell yourself off.

what interesting minds we have....

[Guest_1211]

Similar but different for me...

‘I don’t know’ Is a huge problem for me, a person who is actually so assertive and confident in my ‘outward’ life. I am either so overwhelmed or out of touch it becomes absolute nothingness, it is just a more of a physical feeling of threat and panic. Then I feel like I fall down inside myself and into a void, telling myself to ‘stop’ as in: stop thinking stop talking stop reacting. A shut down or freeze.

Then at some proint I become aware of myself again in the room and try to take a deep breath to come back to where I am. Like coming back to the surface, as if up out of frozen water through a hole in the ice. This is accompanied by deep feeling of shame and embarrassment, I feel watched, judged, stupid, attention seeking and time wasting. It’s so counter-productive.

My psychologist asks me where I’ve been and I really have nothing but ‘I don’t know’. Deep, nothing, nowhere.

she has tried to ask me inner child stuff but I have no identification with that or parts of myself - I find it confusing and confronting.