Complex Trauma - newly triggered, anxiety, sense of urgency, and fears of abandonment after 30 years....?

[Idkme]

I have just had (as close as I can explain it) a feeling of being "triggered" just 2 weeks ago. I had a therapist that "saw through me" and brought up feelings and issues that I had long buried and suppressed, she encouraged me to explore through journal writing. Unfortunately things did not progress so well and I have been feeling like 'a cat on a hot tin roof'. I have made contact with Blue Knot (not sure if I can mention them here or not) but they helped me realise that I had been "hyper aroused" or similar and I needed to put all the things back into the box and just bring them out gradually and that it was much more important to feel safe.... I TOTALLY AGREE.

Problem is that, on the outside, I appear to be doing okay, but on the inside I am feeling terribly anxious and needy. I have met with a great CALM clinical psychologist but when my session ends I feel okay but by the next hour/day I feel alone and unsure of what to "do" to deal with the feelings of unsettling in my stomach. I am trying not to "stalk" my psychologist with emails and she tells me "we'll deal with them next session". I realise now I had not set up safety strategies to protect myself (which is pretty understandable considering I had never dealt with these things before). I have this sense of urgency to kind of talk about it or help me soothe... It's like I need to talk but I can't talk to any of my friends or family because they don't understand. I have had all the feelings or abandonement, disgust, shame, hurt, anger, internalised pain, regret, insecurities, flashbacks, panic attacks, self hate, etc. and all so fast and furious... I'm really not surprised that people resort to drugs, risky behaviour and 'other' actions to stop the "feelings".

I'm okay but I would love some tips on how to deal with this "sense of urgency" and "fear of abandonement" while inbetween weekly psychologist visits. I've tried mindfulness, deep breathing, mood apps, being aware of the senses, journal writing, earthing meditation (I've even tried to inflict pain, it's not recommended). Problem is the feelings just keep interfering and I struggle not to obsess over "thinking"... The only real kind of thing that works is to read and research 'everything' and eventually I'm exhausted and fall asleep... Some of those psych talks are quite dry after 1 hour (smiley face).

Love to hear from those who may survived something similar because I don't feel like a survivor... looking for hope.....

[Idkme]

Just thought I’d post an update....

still trying to find answers..... the urgency has settled somewhat and the awareness is there.... the ‘what to do’ is still very confusing... it feels like I’m having to go through the whole trauma again every day and it’s making me sick to my tummy, but it changes. I’m okay at regulating myself and am functioning as well as I can considering what’s going on inside.... but I just feel helpless and stuck. I don’t want to allow the demons of my past to be part of the life I’m living now... they don’t deserve the attention I’m giving them and it’s not fair.... I have read so many things and researched but all I’m reading is that I have to acknowledge it all.... but ‘how’ do I do that is the issue.... i am seeing my psychologist once a week but it’s like we just talk about the past but I want to be in the present... I know I have to be patient but my insides are not listening...

I’m burnt out, tired and I’m not accepting that because I can’t afford to do that... I have a family to support, a job to do, people relying on me.... I need to be good for them all not a distracted obsessed miserable soppy person that I feel I’m becoming..., after all who wants a ‘needy’ person hanging around.... I think I’m wearing my husband out too.... I’ve tried distracting myself with other activities but my mind keeps wondering off and I end up getting agitated or angry... the only time I have a break is literally while I’m at work and can’t do any research or thinking because I’m too involved in my job. But after work I’m just flat and drained and the worry sets in again....

this awareness is exhausting.... I don’t want to ‘forget’ but I do want to move on.,...

[Idkme]

Another update....

i can slowly see the cogs slowing to a more rhythmic beat as the clock of time slowly unravels and the mixed flashbacks start to settle. I’m able to start piecing the tiny fragments into slightly bigger ones without having to challenge them all (or flee from them).

I got a book on EMDR and it’s been an amazing read, it’s very helpful to understand ‘what’ is happening....

i also have another book by Van der kolt on complex trauma, it’s awesome too....

ive had 3 psychologist visits, I know that doesn’t seem like much but it is quite costly, and I’m worried how I will continue after the 6 subsidised ones are used up....

my psychologist said I have a lot of processing to do.... but last visit seemed to be uneventful or undirected for me....

i still feel like I’m having out of body experiences.... lots of things like, I hate myself, I’m useless/worthless, how could anyone like me, the weight of work (never good enough), I’m better off alone, no one cares (how could they), etc.

I find I look for someone to talk to in the evenings, and feel lost and empty.... I try to read but my mind wanders and I read the same lines over and over. I’ve tried a few distracting techniques like watching tv, crafts, etc... but I don’t feel safe leaving the house in the dark.... maybe it’s the sense of entrapment that is making me nervous....

anyway.... how are the rest of you going on your journey? Find any new things?

[Idkme]

4 more days.... feels like weeks...

been processing some extra memories.... interesting how memories connect and are related over time.... I had a moment at work where I feel under valued, then I recall my grandma always putting me down and never letting us play,...

[JasmineStorm]

Hi,

i have never posted on here before but I’m really struggling right now.

I have spent most of my life with cptsd but have only recently been diagnosed after being so triggered I ran away from my life. I was taking drugs and completely dissociative, I spent months sleeping in my car and just driving everyday. I cut almost all contact with everyone in my life and couldn’t talk to anyone.

I’m trying to reestablish my life but am struggling to talk to my husband about anything. It’s like if we have any problems or if he is bringing up anything that he is unhappy about I am triggered again. I freeze and can’t talk, I cry but can’t explain anything so I leave him frustrated because he just can’t understand.

I’m someone who had numerous traumatic events from birth until I was 19 and have been able to pass myself off as strong and indifferent to the traumas of my life but internally I’m broken and weak and not actually holding it together at all.

I have been seeing a psychologist and we are about to start emdr but I’m really struggling and anxious at home and particularly after a session.

My husband is amazing and kind and genuinely wants to understand what’s happening with me but I don’t feel like I can be the one to educate him on it because it stresses me so much that I freeze and go completely inside myself.

I just wish I could navigate my marriage, my kids, school and my cptsd without feeling like such a mess

[Idkme]

Hi JasmineStorm,

when I read your reply I could have sworn you were writing about my life... you struggles sound so familiar...

I found that it was easier to write him a letter, or read out parts of my journal to him. I guess, to me, I didn't need him to understand as much as reassure me that he was going to stick around and support me.

I've heard really promising things about EMDR... it sounds a bit confronting because you have to explore the issues, which was quite scary to me, but I've been reading the founders book "Leaving the past in the past" and it's had great activities to do in preparation. I can't get in to an EMDR psychologist until February next year so I had to do 'something' to cope.

I've also been reading Bessel Van der Holt's book on complex trauma, it's great how he explains things in such simplicity and with such passion.

The other thing I have really found useful is writing a list of all the trigger memories and exploring them to see if there is a link to my current behaviour... I have huge trust issues, lots of negative self talk, dissociation, and negative self image, etc. It was an absolute gob-smacker when I read that a thing such as 'complex PTSD' existed and the symptoms were mostly the things I was already experiencing.

You have obviously coped so far so you must have some coping mechanisms, have you explored those strengths? Be strong and keep communicating.... It's nice to know there are others out there that experience similar things.... It's also great to hear that you have a plan - ie EMDR, etc. Do you have any other plans?

Regards,

idkme

[Idkme]

Clarity?

Touching base again to update with my progress... I've now had my 6th Clinical psychologist visit and things are just trudging along. The journal writing has remained a comfort for me.... and sharing it with my psychologist has helped her understand where my thoughts are because I find I can't often open up about those things without some prompting. She feels that I am starting to connect dots and called my last bits "a revelation".

I just can't believe there are soooo many things that have impacted my life that I can't deal with...

Split parents, abused by older brother (when I was young) and bullied by him (he didn't cope with split obviously), unstable mother (burdened responsibilities at a young age), sexually abused from 13-16 yo by my horse trainer (made me feel wanted)... how wrong was I...., got married (heaven knows how!), had 1 child, then 2 miscarriages, then 1 child who lived 3 days, then went on and had 4 more (last one was in Royal women's with full theatre outfit and hysterectomy).... and I still haven't found who I am... (there's more but not relevant here)...

To say it's complex is an understatement...

And how does this affect me?.... insecure, negative self talk, confidence issues, self hate, trust issues, etc. etc.

And all this has taken up to my 40s to see me 'crack' and let it all out... how did I keep it in? CONTROL....

But now I can't control anymore so what now....? Let go... do you know how bl....dy scary that is?

[Idkme]

Fear... the thing that drives us...

Fear is an emotion that is often the one that puts me into 'freeze' mode. It's the thing that makes a dear freeze while it's being eaten by it's prey, it's a thing that makes predators (human and animal) 'able' to do the things they do.

So mastering fear is important, but first of all acknowledging your fear is just as important.... my fears include, being alone, being seen as stupid, losing a loved one, being taken advantage of, etc (in no specific order). But what are those fears doing to me... are they helping me or am I afraid of my fears!!!!!? (= worried/anxiety)

Quite often the fears that we find are the deep seated ones are actually the ones that are healthy to have... we should fear being alone (because if we aren't then we become hermit and can't function in a social world... which also leads to many other mental health issues).... we should fear being stupid (in a way)..... because we want to learn more and thinking we know everything makes us ignorant... we should fear losing our loved ones... because we have to learn to appreciate them and love them and care for them.... and we should fear being abused... because we have to protect ourselves against being hurt.

So fear is a healthy protective response... after all it's the thing that stops us from being reckless and doing dangerous risk taking behaviours.

So next time you are afraid, think about what it is that you fear and examine your thoughts and feelings to see how they are helping to protect you and work for good.

Fear is okay but worry is not... (only in small amounts). So don't worry about your fears... look at them, acknowledge them and then act on them (if necessary) and then let them go...

What do you think? easier said than done?

[Guest8901]

Hi Idkme, I just read your update and wanted to respond. But little time right now. Much of what you have said through your thread here, very much resonates with me. And I would like to talk some more when I get the chance. I too have been diagnosed with cptsd. I also loved your response to JasmineStorm. It has been suggested to me, by my psychologist last week, that I would benefit from EMDR. But I am afraid of what it may bring out, how it will affect me.

Anyway, I dont have time for a response that you are deserving of right now, but I will get back to you when I can. I'm sorry you dont seem to have many responders here at lately. I hope we can rectify that.

Your reflections today about fear are worthy of serious consideration. Unfortunately, as you say, the letting them go part is much easier said than done. 😀

Amanda 💜

[Idkme]

Thanks Mandy for your reply,

It's comforting to know that someone is reading my posts... I do hesitate to write on others posts as I'm in no way an experienced person and sometimes write/say things I should have thought about before I said/wrote them. So it's safer to write them on my own post... maybe....

I can't give you much feedback on EMDR at the moment except for what I have read in Shapiro's book. The book is very easy to read and offers solutions for how to explore some of your past memories and find "touchstone memories" (which are the memories that are the 'starting point' for our unprocessed memories). It might be an option to read that first, or watch some YouTube videos on what's involved so that you are fully informed before heading in. If you're not ready then don't do it... I have to wait 3 months to see someone unfortunately... I hope that's an indication that she is good....

The other book by Bessell Van Der Kolt is truly amazing at an academic level... he is very sophisticated in his writing and references lots of other studies and writers, he also breaks it down to clear explanations... it's heavier to read and I find I can only read a few pages before I need to stop and process what he is saying but he is amazingly perceptual in his understanding.

I intend to keep writing my updates (if people are happy to read them) to share with what I learn and discover. I find it a good way to process the thoughts I am thinking into words. But it's also great to hear from someone every now and then.... but I understand that everyone is busy and also that not everyone wants to be thinking about these things all the time (it's VERY tiring).

So thanks again Mandy for replying....

Regards and we'll speak more on our journey.

[Idkme]

Hello again... Mandy...

See there I go... saying something I shouldn't... when I said "don't do it" in reference to EMDR I meant... if you're not ready then prepare TO BE ready before progressing... If you feel like it's not going to work then chances are it might not, but if you are ready to see it as a new opportunity then it just might....

And consider the options.... you may get 'triggered' and get a fright and start worrying, but your therapist will be used to those responses and help you face it/ deal with it/ close it back down... whichever the best option. But if you take this option then you could get some wonderful 'ahah' moments to help explain unexplained reactions you have in your present experiences. Awareness is the one thing that can help with knowing WHAT to do next...

The other option is that you are comfortable with 'not knowing' and not ready to start exploring some new options yet, that's okay... after all safety is the most important thing needed first.... once you have safety set then you can start to explore...

Personally I can wait to start experiencing new imaginations and creativity and start experiencing new things... it's one of those 'positives' I've found as part of the journey... I love learning more about how I work.... something I've been neglecting for a long time while caring so much for others.