Complex Trauma - newly triggered, anxiety, sense of urgency, and fears of abandonment after 30 years....?

[Idkme]

I have just had (as close as I can explain it) a feeling of being "triggered" just 2 weeks ago. I had a therapist that "saw through me" and brought up feelings and issues that I had long buried and suppressed, she encouraged me to explore through journal writing. Unfortunately things did not progress so well and I have been feeling like 'a cat on a hot tin roof'. I have made contact with Blue Knot (not sure if I can mention them here or not) but they helped me realise that I had been "hyper aroused" or similar and I needed to put all the things back into the box and just bring them out gradually and that it was much more important to feel safe.... I TOTALLY AGREE.

Problem is that, on the outside, I appear to be doing okay, but on the inside I am feeling terribly anxious and needy. I have met with a great CALM clinical psychologist but when my session ends I feel okay but by the next hour/day I feel alone and unsure of what to "do" to deal with the feelings of unsettling in my stomach. I am trying not to "stalk" my psychologist with emails and she tells me "we'll deal with them next session". I realise now I had not set up safety strategies to protect myself (which is pretty understandable considering I had never dealt with these things before). I have this sense of urgency to kind of talk about it or help me soothe... It's like I need to talk but I can't talk to any of my friends or family because they don't understand. I have had all the feelings or abandonement, disgust, shame, hurt, anger, internalised pain, regret, insecurities, flashbacks, panic attacks, self hate, etc. and all so fast and furious... I'm really not surprised that people resort to drugs, risky behaviour and 'other' actions to stop the "feelings".

I'm okay but I would love some tips on how to deal with this "sense of urgency" and "fear of abandonement" while inbetween weekly psychologist visits. I've tried mindfulness, deep breathing, mood apps, being aware of the senses, journal writing, earthing meditation (I've even tried to inflict pain, it's not recommended). Problem is the feelings just keep interfering and I struggle not to obsess over "thinking"... The only real kind of thing that works is to read and research 'everything' and eventually I'm exhausted and fall asleep... Some of those psych talks are quite dry after 1 hour (smiley face).

Love to hear from those who may survived something similar because I don't feel like a survivor... looking for hope.....

[PamelaR]

Hi Idkme

Awwww, you are sounding like things are piling on top of you. The best I can do is reach out my hand and hold on to yours until the pain passes. It will, it doesn't feel like it at times, but it does and you'll wonder why you didn't go through all this sooner.

What you're going through at the moment is something I use to aliken to - putting all the clothes in the washing machine on very high speed, when it thudded to a stop I slowly progressed to hanging out the clothes on the line (i.e. parts of my life, putting them in some order), then bang along comes a storm gets all the clothes dirty again and they are thrown back into the washing machine.

As time progressed for me, the clothes stayed on the line a little longer each time. The other analogy I used was - taking one step forward and 5 backwards.

It's an extremely difficult time you are going through. I can be here for you and hold your hand, tell you things will settle eventually. Unfortunately it won't take the pain away, the hurt away, the craziness away. In some small way, I hope it gives you more courage to continue along your pathway, your journey. To know you will recover, life will improve, you'll be able to enjoy life again.

What is so good is to see you helping others on their journey. I read your response to a newbie - you are marvellous Idkme. Love having you here.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[Ayisha]

I'm not sure I am in the correct area of this site????

I have CPTSD and I wondered if anyone has an opinion or evidence about whether CPTSD is curable or incurable. My psychiatrist told me that it is not curable, but with good therapy and medications great improvements can be made.

Kind regards

Ayisha

[PamelaR]

Hi Ayisha and welcome to Beyond Blue

You're definitely in the right forum area - PTSD and Trauma. Any of the threads in this area will be helpful I'm sure. Feel free to join the discussions. There is one specific thread Complex PTSD - What is it and how do we cope where posters discuss cPTSD that you might find useful.

To answer your question, I find it difficult to say that I am cured from cPTSD. I have recovered, though there is an element of ongoing maintenance, management and coping required to live life to the fullest. Why is this you may ask? Good question.

The intricacies of cPTSD mean that every experience I have in life are stored somewhere in my body, mind, soul. These stored memories are not always apparent in my consciousness. Sometimes they may arise when I least expect them. Often it happens when I'm triggered by something, e.g. a loud bang made by someone clapping their hands in a workshop to scare the living daylights out of the group. Well that did. I was triggered for weeks. It took weeks of work with my psychologist to find out why I was triggered.

While your psychiatrist said it is not curable, has he/she given you any tools or referrals to help you manage and cope when you are triggered? If not, then I'd go back to my doctor and ask for a referral to someone who specialises in helping people with cPTSD. There are so many good tools out there that can help to reduce the impact.

Feel free to start your own thread to share your own story if you want. No pressure.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[Idkme]

Thank you PamelaR....

your hand is very comforting to hold and means an immense amount to me.

Your analogy of the washing machine is sooooo true too....

hi Ayisha,

Welcome and feel free to post wherever you like.... if you see a thread that resonates with you then comment on it, or you could start your own....

i made a comment earlier on this thread about ptsd being like cancer. I still think that fits.... you will never be ‘cured’ from cancer but you can go on to live a long fulfilling happy life having survived it.

Its the same with ptsd. You have been broken and you will never be a perfect ‘vase’ again but you can be gently moulded and repair and actually have more character, use and value then you did. It’s ansolutely worth repairing yourself so you can see a purpose in your life again.

If you use PamelaR’s analogy of the laundry then it’s kind of like asking if the washing will ever be finished..... nope, you’ll just have less to hang out and more routine and coping mechanisms.,.. (maybe you’ll invest in a dryer, lol).

Part of your (and my) journey is realising you CAN live and trust and feel emotions and BE sensitive and Love who you are. I’m on the way thanks to some of the mechanisms I’ve received as part of this journey.... here is a great place to start, my psychologist is great, I love reading and discovering new stories and I love helping others.

I hope that answers your question....

(and PamelaR and all my other followers.... thank you, I am so very appreciative of your support).

[Chick_in_a_guernsey]

Wow! What an insightful and supportive response PamelaR. You certainly provide some food for thought to help get through the tougher times.

[Idkme]

Hello again friends,

the weekend has been a tough weekend for me but I think I’m through the other side.

Partly my struggle has been the fact that my psychologist is away on holiday and I panicked... the problem with panicking is that you stop processing and thinking logically. That resulted in me thinking I had no one to talk to and all alone.... it’s was very isolating and debilitating. I had to stop on my way to work yesterday because I couldn’t see through all the tears and breathing was a bit of a problem. I managed to compose myself. One of my strategies is to ‘suck it up’, having a sick day off to deal with this is not really an option. And when I’m at work I’m distracted from my own problems (mostly).

So I did some research and think maybe I have some transference issues with my psychologist and also have boundary issues. Acknowledging them is the first step....

i still haven’t found the answer of who to turn to now... my psychologist is the only one I tell my deepest darkest feelings to, except maybe my journal writing (which is also what saved me this time).

i tried to online communicate with lifeline but it was so conscripted and formulaic... one of my comments were ‘I don’t know what to do and I’m drowning’, their response was ‘that must feel hard’. Then I said I couldn’t deal with things anymore and had to go and their response was to stop the conversation.

It’s obviously not one of my coping skills to use in future because it got me so much more depressed and lonely.....

I think a lot of the struggle now is ‘knowing’ and ‘feeling’. Prior to my trigger reveal I was oblivious to the suffering I was having.... now that I’m aware I feel more. There are a lot of positives for me now, I see that... I’m learning so much more about me and my inner thinking... but the catch is I’m also aware of my downs and the broken bits are more clearer and their sharp edges hurt so much more.

Part of the process of discovery has been this site and I’m very appreciative of the support I get. It still surprises me that there is no real ‘group’ therapy thing going on in Australia where people can chat in private.... kind of like here except once you post here anyone and everyone can see it whereas it would be helpful if it was only those who had subscribed.... there is no therapy group available in my area so I can’t be part of that process here.

Anyway.... a long post again sorry.....

thanks for reading.....

[Guest8901]

Hello again Idkme 🌺

Firstly, please do not be sorry for what you call a 'long post'. Your posts are always so full of intelligent insight. And I must say that so much of what you are saying ... I've been there, feel the same or indeed still there. I suspect that there are many others reading who also relate very strongly to all that you are saying here. Rather than you thanking us for reading .. I thank you for taking the time for posting. So many will be reading and learning from your experience and articulate insightful writings. I know I am.

Like you, my psychologist is the only one I talk to about the depths of my inner thoughts and feelings. I dont think transference is relevant in my case, but I have definitely thought I'm becoming dependent on her. I know I panicked when I realised my 10 MHCP sessions were all used up a couple of months ago. The thought of no longer having her available was somewhat frightening. We've been through a lot together! She has seen me at my absolute worst, in the depths of despair and wanting out. She has dragged me back and monitored me closely to ensure I remain safe. I dont know ... what happens if I'm suddenly cured and no longer need to see her? I will no longer have someone I feel safe enough to open up my thoughts to. Thats kinda scarey to me.

Sorry to hear Lifeline online was not a very helpful experience. I very much agree with you about knowing what you now have (ie cPTSD) really opens up our feelings. We spend years covering up and denying our feelings, never knowing why we are even having those feelings. When we are suddenly presented with a reason and we learn more about it all .. well .. it opens up the floodgate to so many emotions and feelings. Hence the reason for the title of my thread here "Am I Opening Up a Pandora's Box?". Because thats literally what its like. Once that box is opened, there isnt any closing it up again. We each have to deal with whats inside. Its like a festering sore, the 'infection' needs to be painfull dug out before the wound can heal.

I'm so happy for you that you are learning to deal with things now. It takes time, and we are always going to be left with residual bouts of anxiety and depression. But we learn along the way how to better negotiate those troughs as they appear.

True what you say about once posted here it's publicly available to all and sundry. Availability only to subscribers is a good idea, but it could restrict access to needy people.

Amanda 💕

[Idkme]

Thanks Mandy,

I love your little symbols next to your opening and closing statement, very cute...

I really appreciate your replies and it's very comforting knowing there is hope... I agree that the mental health plan is not long enough for me... I'm glad I met my psychologist in the later part of the year so that I can have a new lot of 10 appointments (if needed) next year. However I will have to pay full price for any EMDR therapy I will be having... it's so costly..... is it worth it? Truth is, I just find myself not able to function without it.... it's crazy but I am reliant on it... some rely on drugs, some rely on alcohol, I guess my reliance is a more healthy one? (Although if I was any worse I'd probably have to look at the drug option ).

Anyway, this was just a quick chat back to say g'day.

[Chick_in_a_guernsey]

Hi ldkme,

Your comment about keeping yourself busy at work resonated with me. I am at my best at work, my worst when alone with my thoughts. I returned to work two weeks post op from a severe broken ankle so as not to be alone at home. My boss and colleagues thought I was nuts. They couldn't understand why I didn't want more time off and I wasn't about to fill them in. It was physically exhausting but I think it prevented my mental health from deteriorating.

So have you finished the term or do you still have a week to go? Despite the end of year being such a pressure cooker, there's the new year to look forward to. With the new year obviously comes new hurdles, do you have strategies to ease yourself into the new school year?

Cheers 😊

[Lee-Anne]

I relate to your writing of your thoughts and feelings.

I too feel like I am 2 people, 1 who copes with the many and varied flow of emotions in any given day, and the next I am walking away from conflict as I am feeling an eruption in the making.

thank you for sharing as I believe it is both the truth to be spoken and the truth to be shared that is in the healing.

L:)