Complex Trauma - newly triggered, anxiety, sense of urgency, and fears of abandonment after 30 years....?

[Idkme]

I have just had (as close as I can explain it) a feeling of being "triggered" just 2 weeks ago. I had a therapist that "saw through me" and brought up feelings and issues that I had long buried and suppressed, she encouraged me to explore through journal writing. Unfortunately things did not progress so well and I have been feeling like 'a cat on a hot tin roof'. I have made contact with Blue Knot (not sure if I can mention them here or not) but they helped me realise that I had been "hyper aroused" or similar and I needed to put all the things back into the box and just bring them out gradually and that it was much more important to feel safe.... I TOTALLY AGREE.

Problem is that, on the outside, I appear to be doing okay, but on the inside I am feeling terribly anxious and needy. I have met with a great CALM clinical psychologist but when my session ends I feel okay but by the next hour/day I feel alone and unsure of what to "do" to deal with the feelings of unsettling in my stomach. I am trying not to "stalk" my psychologist with emails and she tells me "we'll deal with them next session". I realise now I had not set up safety strategies to protect myself (which is pretty understandable considering I had never dealt with these things before). I have this sense of urgency to kind of talk about it or help me soothe... It's like I need to talk but I can't talk to any of my friends or family because they don't understand. I have had all the feelings or abandonement, disgust, shame, hurt, anger, internalised pain, regret, insecurities, flashbacks, panic attacks, self hate, etc. and all so fast and furious... I'm really not surprised that people resort to drugs, risky behaviour and 'other' actions to stop the "feelings".

I'm okay but I would love some tips on how to deal with this "sense of urgency" and "fear of abandonement" while inbetween weekly psychologist visits. I've tried mindfulness, deep breathing, mood apps, being aware of the senses, journal writing, earthing meditation (I've even tried to inflict pain, it's not recommended). Problem is the feelings just keep interfering and I struggle not to obsess over "thinking"... The only real kind of thing that works is to read and research 'everything' and eventually I'm exhausted and fall asleep... Some of those psych talks are quite dry after 1 hour (smiley face).

Love to hear from those who may survived something similar because I don't feel like a survivor... looking for hope.....

[Ayisha]

Wow its so comforting to learn that other people feel like their more than one person. I feel like I am always two people. The child in me and the complex me. I am trying to establish a third person who is not so complex and someone I can trust to think and behave appropriately. Someone that won't let me down. And someone that my family will love.

Wishing you a wonderful Christmas and New Year

Ishy

[Ayisha]

Dear Idkme

Try giving yourself a rest from further research and reading. Have you ever tried conjuring up a vision of yourself as a child, within your total being. A vision within your mind, heart and soul. Sit down on the floor leaning up against a wall (somewhere comfortable) and take deep breaths. Then slow your breathing down and start imagining. Imagine that your tiny child comes to sit with you.Your breathing should be very mild, as you need to concentrate on your vision not your breathing. Then turn and look at your child, taking note of the colour and length of her hair, the colour and type of outfit she is wearing, the type and colour of her shoes. Take note of her eyelashes and lips. Now take note of how you feel about her. How much you love her. You are besotted by this magnificent child. Now mentally ask yourself what your child is saying to you. Perhaps she is saying something like "I have been here all along. I have been waiting for you to come." This time you need to speak to her... let her know what you are thinking. Explain your troubles to her, but reassure her that the time is coming soon, the time is coming for change and unification with her. Can you see her smiling? She is happy with what you have explained and she trusts you to help her, to comfort her and to love her. Now imagine that she steps back into your soul awaiting your next communication with her. Share your thoughts and emotions with her as often as you can. Although she be only a child, she is your inner child the one that wants to grow up with you not detached from you.

I hope this makes sense to you and helps you, if only a little.

Ishy

[Idkme]

Wow Ishy,

That's amazing... I just sat with "myself" and had a big cry... I couldn't quite realise who I was crying for but it felt comforting... It's like I gave permission to myself to be loved. It's the biggest challenge I have... being kind and rewarding to my "me" self.

Thanks...

[Ayisha]

Oh Idkme

Oh how I wish I could cry!!! My psychiatrist tells me that all my medications have a lot to do with my not crying. Sometimes I cry out to the heavens asking please let me cry!

Back when i had no trouble crying i would get such emotional relief.

When something happens that I would generally cry about and I don't, i feel people looking at me and thinking that i am insensitive. I am far from insensitive and just want to cry.

Ishy

[Idkme]

Isn’t that would be so frustrating.

I know sometimes I really feel like i need a good cry to get it out of my system. I wonder if you could watch a sad movie or some YouTube...

Although reading some of the stories of what people endure here are often enough to get me started.

I think the thing that gets me stuck is not giving myself permission to feel. We have to actually let your guard down and release control... a very hard thing for me to action.

If all else fails try peeling some onions.... 😂

any other suggestions?

[Ayisha]

Idkme

Thank you for your suggestions.

I will work on the permission element.

Ishy

[Idkme]

Awareness has a cost....

being aware means you notice so many more things, about other people and about yourself. I’m still not sure I’m happy with the person i am and how my life here is any benefit except to serve others. But the more I serve others the more I lose myself....

how do we find time to do the things we love? And how can shake this guilt feeling when we’re not pleasing others.

Sometimes I just want to run away from it all. But if ever I leave for a short time I gets form of punishment from piled up work, or disappointed family and friends and so you smile and keep trudging through the boggy mired of life. How can we break free? How can we find the motivation to change?... to look for yourself and love yourself?

I feel like this process is so endless and unproductive... what is it’s worth? Why keep seeing a psychologist.... I feel like a manikin with someone else pulling the strings.

Sorry guys.... low day....

[Chick_in_a_guernsey]

Hey, just checking in. It's been a little while since you're last post and I see you were feeling a bit down. How's things in the New Year??

Kind regards 😊

[StaticRose51]

I really loved this post I have slight trust issues due to letting myself be hurt before it was until i finally caught up with my older sister that I realised I need to put the work in on myself before I can be there for others.

Okay it's great you be super efficent at your job and other thing but are you being in a state of busy to people please? That's what my therapist pointed out to me. What happens when you are forced to let go and relax as a group? Wasn't so hard when I was younger...Now That seemed like a chore to me I wanted to get up and wait on everyone and was learning a lot about myself through play when I met my nieces and nephews. They really made me feel better... and bought up a little of those nagging questions and work i need to do. I am constantly at work and if not that i am studying. 🙂

Also I am thinking of trying a new hobbie for the new year... Because gym it's as social as it once was and I have started a trend I had no intention of starting. After many discussions with my extended family we patched things up a little and they are wanting me to play music? As our family are all musical... lots to do there. Can't help but ask myself what it turns out to be not my thing. Will I dissapoint? Yes I am creating inclined I feel a lot more than I should.

regards

[Idkme]

Hi chick, Static and anyone else following,

I’m okay.

I went away for 2 weeks with my family which kept me distracted busy.... it was kind of good to have a break but it can only last for a short time before I feel like I’m losing myself again, I get antsy and agitated and just need to get back to a space where I’m back on track with my ‘discovery joyrney’.

I’m actually on a short break with my husband, kid free. It’s been nice and we’ve talked a lot. I’ve also done a lot of soul searching....

I’ve read back through parts of my diary recently... I’m u to page 250 now. It’s definitely taken some turning points. My writing is showing so much awareness of events and situations that affect my decisions and behaviour. One big thing that is very close to me is the ‘soul murder’ that happened to me as a teen. That is going to take quite some time to repair but my story line is becoming less fragmented and I’m finding it easier to be more ‘present’ and see things that I can appreciate, things like leaves on a tree, a flock of corellas, the sand blowing across the beach, the setting sun. Their magnificence and details show order and constancy in our lives.

So I’m starting to feel more rooted, rooted to the earth, not the other stuffed up ‘rooted’ I felt before.... (sorry poor pun!😂).

Static, you are right, set time for you.... sit with the thought of why you are doing things and consider what emotion you gain from it. Think what emotion you could get from it and go with that. If you can’t get a positive mindset from it (cognition) then I’d question if it’s just another burden.

Thank you lovely people for replying. To all you other lovely people reading, please feel free to comment or ask questions....