Thinking about death.... all the time...

[Guest_1643]

Hi all

I've been struggling for 3 weeks with suicidal thoughts

My new GP is amazing

He tells me to think of suicidal thoughts as a symptom maybe a solution

Could he be right?

Today he assigned someone to give me a call to check in on my safety. I don't think that will happen. I've not received the call.
Small things like this lead to rage, hurt and fear for me.

And so I am left to deal with the thoughts alone.

[Matchy69]

I am sorry you are feeling upset that people know how you are really feeling.I know I wouldn't like it if people knew my deepest thoughts.I know I have blurted out things in a text and have regretted it having people pretend they care when they don't.

[Guest_1643]

Hey tranzcrybe

thank u for following this and i understand what ur saying totally

i have found out now who shared the information and i am relieved. It's the same friend, the one friend, who called the triage.
I have mixed feelings about it, and I didn't love how I got this random call from someone who wouldn't reveal why they were checking on me. She has now told me why.
I am working on being honest because I hate having control taken away from me... as i have ptsd i just hate it.

[Guest_1643]

Hi Mark
I know that feeling and sorry you have experienced that... that ppl are pretending to care.
It's very hard to feel that way, like ppl care because they want to be involved in the "saving" part but really just a chat would be more helpful about anything... like the weather, their pet... the sky, their breakfast... anything....

[white knight]

Hi Sleepy

If ever I have personal trauma, am suicidal (only once 1996), or any other issues, I don't conceal that information or, I don't have expectations on others to conceal it.

The problems with trusting people to not spread that information is, that it causes more stress when it happens. Reducing stress is the aim right?

Also, if a friend didnt contact any authority in order to check on your welfare and something tragic occurred, they would live with the guilt of inaction.

That's why openness is ok and expectations of others is troublesome.

TonyWK

[Guest_1643]

Hi Tony

Somtimes it's mentally a lot easier to be truthful

So I'm now okay with what hapened because I think it would have been so tiring to have to pretend to be okay and conceal. It is what it is.

I have a particular fear of concealing hospital admissions - I am scared ppl will find out i'm in hospital and force me to sort of be visited by them - i don't relaly want visitors. That did happen once. A friend also came to visit with her 5 year old son which was horrible and stressful as I couldn't talk openly in ront o him. I guess I'm just scared that ppl will also want to be involved and care and then vanish again - that hapened to me before and i feel very rejected and upset about not having true friends.

[Guest_1643]

Hi Hanna - so true re the serotonin. Thanks for the tip. I'm trying to spend 1 - 1.5 hours in the sunlight in the morning, doing whatever.
I enjoyed the sun today which was not too harsh.
It's a bit of a blah day as my support services are closed

[Hanna3]

Hi Sleepy,

That's good, some time in the sunshine will definitely help you sleep. I live in an area which is very cold in winter and people can get seasonal affective disorder in the winter months which means you have insomnia and depression from lack of sunlight. I take vitamin D for this all winter...

I know about blah days, we're having one here too - everything is closed for the public holiday and it's fairly hot and muggy - not much to do... everything is very quiet!

I hope you're feeling just a tiny bit better? hugs.

[white knight]

I understand Sleepy. I didn't think of those sort of reasons.

Rest assured my advice is purely brainstorming in order to help you consider options. Your decisions with those options is always yours.

Thankyou for your patience

TonyWK

[Delectable]

I hope you do treat yourself to a night away even if you can catch the train or bus there that will relieve you of driving...and you can admire the scenery along the way, Sleepy. For my adventure over 300kms away I went to Half Moon Bay on a walk, it was beautiful, I hope you get some inspiration and just go, even for one day...

[Guest_1643]

Hi Em,
I'm feeling bit better and have been able to relax a bit...

Watching shows, reading

I bought myself a new book lol but it is super triggering. Well, so far. Let's see. It has a MH theme and is a recovery memoir.

I've called helplines but my support group isn't on...i miss them. I really love this one woman who works as one of the facilitators. She is an inspiration to me and so full of true empathy. How are u doing?