Surviving: Being in a better place

[demonblaster]

Hi all 🙂
Thought this thread might be of use to talk about your stories if you like and where you're at now.
In a better place.

I have Bipolar, (BP) pretty sure all my life. Wasn't diagnosed, I approached them thinking I have this at age 46.
The ups (mania) are magic, ying and yang (opposites) evident with BP & in many other ways.
The downs, crippling. Still ..but I'm DETERMINED to beat them with time & effort and professional help.One of the psychiatrists said it can't be beaten, I say cause it maybe hasn't been done, doesn't mean it can't be.
Have come an incredibly long way so far.
Long way to go probs but HAS to be sooner rather than later, else this mother of a demon will get me, I live in fear of going under the line again which majority of the time the head goes South but looking back at those times knowing I got through & that it's not always like that helps.
SO many good times, happy times between.

The cycles have gone from Rapid cycling (4 or more a yr) to 8/10 a yr since the loss of my beloved partner of 28yrs to leukaemia.

My teens starting at 14yrs I attempted suicide 4 times.
You're in hell considering, contemplating & ultimately attempting suicide, we're going against our strongest basic instinct. Survival.

Wanted OUT, couldn't see anything but Black in my head, no light, no way out, no other choice, the depression beast had me engulfed as it does most of the time in cycles now too.
Rock bottom. The pits.

I've learnt a lot one thing is it doesn't stay this way.
Sleep's vital. We don't get a lot or quality when down, it affects how we feel usually in a negative way.
Life's so much harder when we're tired and exhausted, we see feel & react to things differently
That part of our brain that works at pulling us down, I think with everyone, not only mental illness or disorders

Self esteem rock bottom, still working at it, it's true we have to like/love ourselves works as a shield.
Great loving good parents lucky

If I'd known in suicide yrs I'd meet a beautiful loving partner and have so much love from family, friends and happiness between the downs, I wouldn't have attempted.

BP downs equate to heavy grieving alone without it on top.It slammed but now I'm looking back and Yes still hurts, always will but we owe it to ourselves to keep going. We don't know whats ahead and nothing stays the same.

I know that now.

[Ggrand]

Hi Deebi,

Oh no so really sorry hun.

Maybe different bed? Could start the arm,shoulder pain again.. ( different position)..

Try to sleep the day through..

Love you.

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩 Grandy..

[Ggrand]

Hi Deebi, Just calling in to check on you..I hope your doing okay and had got some sleep today...

Sometimes different beds or pillows we're not used to can be uncomfortable and could have started your shoulder and arm pain up again..

Please be okay.🦄.

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy.

[white knight]

Hi Deebi

There is no obligation to answer me in a timeframe or me you. It's casual. When I log on here I'll scroll up and see if you had questions for me then answer. Cool, casual, no expectations. I might even miss a post, such is the wireless interne tin the hills here and my rate of being busy on other threads.

I used to be quite manic. Owning 50 cars by the time I was 35yo shows it. And 60 jobs with 15 professions. Retired now but 80 cars and 70 something jobs. Those friends of mine in Govt jobs with the one job for 20 years couldn't understand it.

Elevated mood can be slowed with - age! Yes as I got older I calmed. The other thing is AD's, they have calmed me. I'm also on mood stabilisers. Together they work!. But the don't eliminate the manis or downers. Just because I have both doesn't mean the medication isn't right. I used to get my GP to up or down the meds but I've learned that it isn't a case of "up them and my bad moods will disappear". No, it is a case of getting the best most ideal level to MINIMISE the symptoms.

My mania years ago would spiral out of control. I flew model airplanes and went 2-3 days without sleep building, flying etc. it was a level of excitement that was very high. The problem is, in that state, I was out of synchronization with everyone else. Like a racing car compared to a Holden Kingswood. And of course the racing car breaks down right, needs maintenance every 20 laps and while getting it the Kingswood ambles by. The aim should not be to become a Kingswood, it should be to become a Torana... a fast Holden but not a Ferrari. That is "reasonable".

The major concern for a manic person is Burnout. We run around trying to save the world and expect success in everything we do. After all we are doing the work of 3-5 people. That's why employers like us, hard and fast workers. The body breaks down in your 60's because you've been neglecting it, body joints are worn more etc. And our mind? by the time we are 50yo we've "been there done that". Life is then less interesting and people are more boring...we crave action. So we get a project and run with it at 100 mph and eventually we fall in a heap. My last job I ran my own PI company. I loved the work and was good at it. My psychotic event, the second one, ended my working life at 57yo. I was spent.

You can google topics like - Topic: bipolar downers- beyondblue

by copy and paste in google OR go to search at the top of this page and type in- Bipolar Downers same result.

[demonblaster]

Thanks for your reply Tony and info 👍

Congratulations on your high achieves with all those cars wow, John Laws would be jealous (think he's got a stack too but don't think that many)

A lot resonates with me which it would with BP in common. On that point I explain to people not that I completely understand fully yet how it differs to other MI as follows. In mania we have some or all traits but because everyones different we react differently in BP the part I don't yet understand is everyones different fullstop so dunno but I've seen that in various research. As we know there's so much stereotyping with MI.

Oh I know about the projects lol I've managed to over the yrs get my head to work on 1/2 projects instead of running with how many lol but wow what we can achieve with this in short time as I say these are tools people have access to for success just they're faster than the speed of light 🌠as you'd know. Problem is I haven't mastered it yet cause for example table tennis is one and until recently well I still do down myself which is being realistic but not my fault because of Mh issues I look at what I haven't done but looked back at what I've achieved which is a lot but overall I'm slack I can only but this will change when I learn to motivate (slowly starting) work on stuff in mania BUT I move onto other passions and projects like here so time and energy's for here which I'd like to keep but theres been things I thought I'd stay with forever and stopped. But many good reasons to stay here just not knowing whats ahead.

Have a good eve 😊 If you ever want to vent I'm happy to listen

I realised last night moreso (tho knew) how much aggression and angers with BP which I work very hard at containing (hate letting rot out on others but have and regret deeply) I was struggling big stayed at friends, he didnt look fazed but different times I talk it comes out so forceful I think but dunno cause people (most) I'm on very good terms with, I'm going to ask them and also work on it more

Btw your listening thread too that one I'm following through with to get back just when. Just going with the flows the easiest way I find.

[Ggrand]

Good Night Deebi,

Im hoping your day was okay and you slept.

Deendy, is waiting to take us on a trip..Are you ready to go..ok hang on tight.....WEEEE....Up we go...or not....down we're going down Deebi....but where....the ground it's getting closer....and closer.....WEEE...oh.ho...debbi your shrinking your so tiny like a little pixie...oh...I feel strange ...ow giggle giggles...I'm teeny weeny like you...Look at Deendy She's tiny as well...but deendy asleep...let's go Deebi...We are so happy we're skipping along. a frog 🐸 comes along and tells us to jump on his back he is taking us somewhere special...BOING...BOOINGG.. hahaha..your having so much fun...oooop froggy stopped to jump into some water.. We fell off his back into the water which was hot but not to hot...Were just sitting there relaxing now, the hot water is therapeutic to us..The warm water smells of lavender and tea tree oil..so peaceful..Hundreds of gorgeous butterflies are flying just over top of us, They stopand some fairies jump of the butterflies and they slowly start to massage our heads, and shoulders, firmly yet gently, rubbing some essential oils into your shoulders. The water is disappearing now, but look we're now laying down on a bed of fragrance flower petals, really so super soft...just breathing and relaxing....breathe.1-2-3-4-5.., so fresh and light the air, it feel so light like we're floating,,,up up up...to your glorious stars....the stars all of them are raining glitter, your covered in glitter, but wait the glitter is the teensiest weenist little people ever, they continued to massage your shoulder and arm...You've had such a long day and are so relaxed,. The moon is only a quarter 🌙 tonight, the glitter people carry you over to the moon and gently lay you down.. where you slowly drift of into a peaceful sleep....I call Deendy, who comes and picks us up...your still sleeping so peacefully.. Deebi flies to yours and places you onto your bed and he sprinkles you with 🐉 magical dragon fire ash, which gives you 🔥 for when you need it..Your sleeping so deeply, I put a Doona over you, you open your eyes, but their too heavy they close again, your drifting back to sleep again...listening to some mindfulness music..you can't fight sleep no more, Deebi you have to give in,, your eyes are just to heavy..they close your sleeping heavily Deebi...Good Night my special friend...Love you Deebi, your sleeping now, deeply..

Goodnight 💜 Sleep tight.🦄.

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy.

[demonblaster]

I am going to soon kind of have a break but fortunately with time and bits of sleep and clearer thinking possibly one of the things that's been upsetting me may not be what I think, don't know when but I'll contact them in better head space (well in that case could be a VERY long time 😆) no its ok atm apart from very tired.

not sure could need anything from ? 6 to a mth or two cause I'm way behind which isn't stressing me but I want to read back more than I have and am starting to get slightly more organised in my head at this point more so to take notes and absorb more I've slowly saved some things and for research too. What do you lovelies think or maybe I could do that later and I want to read Tonys threads or first posts as he suggested

On my tablet and mobile to log in and out there use to be my account on the bottom top R) but its there on pc does anyone know? I preferred that way off log in and out

I want to ring that friends friend Grandy and have heard even today that shes safe but want to be sure I'm hearing the right things not what I Think, dunno I might wait and see if I hear anything again after today

Re those problems that have been upsetting me G I was going to suss going to Melbourne to see them face on I hear possibly down the track it might be viable which would be fantastic and the main reason though I'm hoping can be worked out over the phone, easier face on though but it'll save complicated logistics getting there but can be done but all good

[demonblaster]

Ohhhh Grandy you da bomb ohh they're amazing seriously you wanna see my ear to ear smiles, thankyou sooo much. Really you are VERY good😎 Another to my growing collection 😗🤗 neaties 😀

Thank you Grandy dear incredible friend

[Peppermintbach]

Hi DB (and all),

Thank you for explaining. I’ll have to look into this Desiderata that you speak of...thanks again 🙂

A break sounds nice for you to recharge and gather your thoughts. Sorry, not sure what you mean...do you mean a break as in a holiday or a break from the forums? I feel either is understandable...

Of course I’ll miss you very much but, more importantly, I want you to do what is best for you. If you feel it’s best for you then I will 100% support you 🙂

About the reading and note taking, I feel that’s up to you. One possible idea is to perhaps number them 1 to 100 (or however many threads there are) to keep track of where you’re at in your reading where 1 indicates the first thread that you want to read and the bigger the number, the later it is on your reading list. Anyway, that’s just one suggestion.

Super soul hugs,

Pepper xoxo

[demonblaster]

Hey Pepstar hope you had a refreshing w/e

Oh Peps its so well put together Desiderata Hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

Thanks I appreciate your lovely way of saying DB dah you didn't get to the point lol. It was in my head but always been the same very easily distracted a break from forums but not 😅 how ya keeping up so far, so I read back because I'm learning SO much here and heard you in my early days talking with Starts re same but on her thread, when I read back I learn more I guess different head space on days I only take in parts or not. I see something on a thread and think must reply and forget so I can catch up that way too. Mainly for learning.

Loving the idea of numbering threads good on you Pepssims (extra hug for that one) I will do that.

I need to work hard on changing my thinking and attitude about if someone doesn't reply I've always felt if someone talks to me or someone else it's respectful to reply, has always bothered me and I use to not quite as much now be demanding about it more with my brothers. And yes it's right there are many possibilities why not but one here is I automatically think I've offended them or they don't like what I've said. I do like what Tony (WK) said about our reply even if unanswered could help others. I think my reasons are apart from courtesy is you know where you stand if people reply or usually anyway.

Thank you as always for your loveliness Ms Pepstar and being a constant loyal caring friend. Hope your days good huns 🤗 as promised 🤗 you might be able to sell that spare one the going rates pretty high I hear

[Ggrand]

Dearest Deebi,

Not sure what to say here, but I will try, I'm like you Deebi, when I don't reply I feel so bad, but sometimes I don't know how to reply and then that adds to my feeling bad...

I am trying to learn not to feel bad if not answered, but that's hard, just the other day I was talking trying to help someone not a regular one, when boom totally ignored and a conversation started with another person and I just stepped back..I thought straight away, I must have said something wrong, but I know I didn't, they just related to the other person more..I think we have to accept that people connect to people that they feel comfortable with...They are hurting and need a connection to be helped..

I admire you greatly for your dedication to the forums and you wanting to learn and help more..You are a legand here Deebi and so appreciated by so many people..That's another thing I love about you, your kindness and care for people.💜..

Tony is a very wise person Deebi as you are , I have been reading along here with you both and I'm learning more about my latest diagnosis, it will no doubt help me to understand it more..I have a lot of trouble understanding what I read at times so I just sit back and keep reading until it sinks in..

I hope you are doing betterDeebi, please don't be hard on yourself, you are very intelligent, you should always remember that because it's the truth.

Love and Care for you Deebi,

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy..

ps..Thank you for always staying by my side, you are more important to me then you will ever realise.