Surviving: Being in a better place

[demonblaster]

Hi all 🙂
Thought this thread might be of use to talk about your stories if you like and where you're at now.
In a better place.

I have Bipolar, (BP) pretty sure all my life. Wasn't diagnosed, I approached them thinking I have this at age 46.
The ups (mania) are magic, ying and yang (opposites) evident with BP & in many other ways.
The downs, crippling. Still ..but I'm DETERMINED to beat them with time & effort and professional help.One of the psychiatrists said it can't be beaten, I say cause it maybe hasn't been done, doesn't mean it can't be.
Have come an incredibly long way so far.
Long way to go probs but HAS to be sooner rather than later, else this mother of a demon will get me, I live in fear of going under the line again which majority of the time the head goes South but looking back at those times knowing I got through & that it's not always like that helps.
SO many good times, happy times between.

The cycles have gone from Rapid cycling (4 or more a yr) to 8/10 a yr since the loss of my beloved partner of 28yrs to leukaemia.

My teens starting at 14yrs I attempted suicide 4 times.
You're in hell considering, contemplating & ultimately attempting suicide, we're going against our strongest basic instinct. Survival.

Wanted OUT, couldn't see anything but Black in my head, no light, no way out, no other choice, the depression beast had me engulfed as it does most of the time in cycles now too.
Rock bottom. The pits.

I've learnt a lot one thing is it doesn't stay this way.
Sleep's vital. We don't get a lot or quality when down, it affects how we feel usually in a negative way.
Life's so much harder when we're tired and exhausted, we see feel & react to things differently
That part of our brain that works at pulling us down, I think with everyone, not only mental illness or disorders

Self esteem rock bottom, still working at it, it's true we have to like/love ourselves works as a shield.
Great loving good parents lucky

If I'd known in suicide yrs I'd meet a beautiful loving partner and have so much love from family, friends and happiness between the downs, I wouldn't have attempted.

BP downs equate to heavy grieving alone without it on top.It slammed but now I'm looking back and Yes still hurts, always will but we owe it to ourselves to keep going. We don't know whats ahead and nothing stays the same.

I know that now.

[demonblaster]

You're a treasure Grandy thankyou xx

I can forgive kind of but NEVER forget so forgive as in move on but ditto nah so that's the best I can do. When someones's hurt us it affects us so much it's hard to forget aye but if we can forgive in that we release ourselves of emotional attachment to it then that's good enough imo. You can ask anything at all G lady, anything.

Yeah this chooky & I became good friends from BB (Big brother) forums. Funny I landed on BB here same initials.

Yeah just starting to get happies again been a long one but pushed the envelope a bit too much but happy how I've handled it all and got through with yeah hard times but not the deepest of deeps I think it's down to mind set although occasionally thoughts but let them flow through, wanna get rid of them completely.
Sleeping like you wouldn't believe but then doing hard walking too most of the time, did a couple of hr jobs two days running. WOESA you feel every bit of lol

Yeah I often feel peoples pain too but don't take it on board as such but hate people hurting & it's mostly down to bloody people. Think about you girls a lot & try to come up with something to help. Care so much about you all. So glad we all met.

lol yeah drag some of that stubborness through the net love it 🙂
Yeah G brick by brick we can do this

What a hun you are researching depression & BP, they kinda give an overall read but don't go into the deeper parts which is where you really do the hard yards, one day I might finish my book. Barely started. That'd involve sticking with something.
You're always there for me when I need someone Grandy darling lady. I'm so grateful for you girls here.

You're easy to love lady

Thankyou for being you, we met for a reason, we're gunna get this

[startingnew]

hey DB, it seems my posts are coming up pretty slow, i wrote one yesterday and its only just coming up now so its a page back and a conversation behind which is a little frustrating at the moment.

"I can forgive kind of but NEVER forget so forgive as in move on" this statement youve made is one i often think of myself. we are similar in this way. i will never forget what has happened to me BUT forgiveness of that is a huge achievement but it also gives ourselves that inner peace. you can forgive without forgetting xoxo

sending soul hugs and positive vibes xoxoxo

[Ggrand]

Hi DB, SN and everyone else,

Thank you for answering my Question, The reason I'll let you know later, I can't forget so I lied to him when I said I forgave him, because I can't forgive him.

DB, I'm sorry but I'm keeping away from other thread for a while, I have been carefully reading Ghost posts, but was triggered with last one.. sorry hun my emotions are not letting up today. I knew her story from her other thread, I should have stayed away. Won't this pain ever go?

Startingnew,....Hi I hope you are doing good with a little light coming through, will catch up with you when I can get me together again.

Kind thoughts.

Grandy.

[Peppermintbach]

Hi beautiful DB and all,

You said:

I feel here I have purpose...

GG’s response:

You have purpose here DB, you help so many people, you like people and enjoy their company, on and off the forums, your a blessing to a lot of people...

Food for thought there? 😉

Anyway, I think you have committed to the forums fairly consistently and with much heart and dedication for at least some months now (maybe longer, I’m not sure when you joined). Surely, that counts as “sticking at” something, right? Just my thoughts...

Anyway, you sound a little lost or maybe feel as though you’re drifting. I know your late soulmate meant so much to you. Maybe in some ways, he was your reason and ally in an often difficult world.

Of course you miss him (probably always will) and felt/feel more uncertain without him these days. Less sure of your place in the world maybe. I’m not saying that’s necessarily the case but just expressing my thoughts.

As for the whole purpose and setting goals topic, I found it enlightening to read your comments. I suppose I’m the opposite to you in this respect. I’m always searching for a reason, for a goal, for a purpose...for something.

Yesterday, I watched something where a public figure commented on how she has always looked to the future with goals and dreams to keep going because, for her, the here and now has often been so painful that she needs to look ahead/look forward in order to feel she can keep going. That really hit a nerve...I’m similar to her in this respect.

Sorry, for my Little aside....I wanted to say hi and send my love and care more than anything.

Soul hugs and much love ❤️

Pepper xoxo

[Peppermintbach]

Hey DB,

I just wrote something...I may have selected post and I may have selected cancel. I’m too tired to recall. Lol.

anyway, I’ll check again later before I try re-writing it again.

Soul hugs,

Pepper xoxo

[demonblaster]

Thanks for care & support SLD xx Yeah I reckon forgive is the wrong word but's used a lot. Why would we want to forgive when people have done wrong by us without giving a toss.
Thanks being there with me soon re GC.

Grandy that's ok it'd be hard being in that thread.

Peps thanks again for great post, yeah I didn't question anything while we were together, I guess I lived for him, he was the reason, thought we were going to grow old together. IT was so outta the blue. 3rd heart attack same time the luekaemia came on.
I'm over the worst, not looking forward to GC soon but has to be done to move through. Miss him so much, always thinking & still at times feel him close by.
I want love again, most of us do. Will never stop loving him

Yeah not unhappy but not particularly Giddy up either Peps, going back home soon then neurosurgeon soon after, don't think they're gunna muck around, whatever they're gunna do will be quik, it's serious.

Oh Grandy soz meant to say the pain was before in the last few mths with neck, had it 3 times, ruptured disc in neck, compressed nerve, Holy Farout max pain the first 2 was calling out in pain all hrs then 3rd one didn't need as many heavies with pain relief xx

Thanks so much good people xxx

[Peppermintbach]

Hi lovely DB and all,

I am holding your hand and wishing you the very best with your upcoming hospital procedure/operation. Sending healing and caring thoughts your way.

Your love’s passing must have really shaken you when it was so unexpected. Yes, you never forget or stop loving those you truly, deeply loved. The memory and feelings continue to live in your heart.

Love,

Pepper xoxo

[demonblaster]

Thankyou darling friend you really are so supportive & never fail to be there for people, thanks so much.
It touched me deeply you holding my hand there in GC, I won't forget that

Feeling vulnerable & just thinking about being there again is hard. I"m hoping chooky that offered will be able to be there, want someone to hold my hand. I'm hardly ever sick & when we were we were there for eachother mine was back outs mainly

I know this is serious but not stressing about it, thinking though. More concerned being there again, so many ghosts.

Anyway thanks again Peps you're a real sweetheart

Love xx

[demonblaster]

Damn it!

[Peppermintbach]

Hi DB and all,

Yes, so many sad memories associated with that hospital. As you said, that’s probably the hardest part.

Aw thank you, DB. Holding your hand all the way...I can’t physically be there with you but you have my full emotional support.

Um, I take it that something happened, considering your latest post? Is everything okay?

Soul hugs,

Pepper xoxo