Surviving: Being in a better place

[demonblaster]

Hi all 🙂
Thought this thread might be of use to talk about your stories if you like and where you're at now.
In a better place.

I have Bipolar, (BP) pretty sure all my life. Wasn't diagnosed, I approached them thinking I have this at age 46.
The ups (mania) are magic, ying and yang (opposites) evident with BP & in many other ways.
The downs, crippling. Still ..but I'm DETERMINED to beat them with time & effort and professional help.One of the psychiatrists said it can't be beaten, I say cause it maybe hasn't been done, doesn't mean it can't be.
Have come an incredibly long way so far.
Long way to go probs but HAS to be sooner rather than later, else this mother of a demon will get me, I live in fear of going under the line again which majority of the time the head goes South but looking back at those times knowing I got through & that it's not always like that helps.
SO many good times, happy times between.

The cycles have gone from Rapid cycling (4 or more a yr) to 8/10 a yr since the loss of my beloved partner of 28yrs to leukaemia.

My teens starting at 14yrs I attempted suicide 4 times.
You're in hell considering, contemplating & ultimately attempting suicide, we're going against our strongest basic instinct. Survival.

Wanted OUT, couldn't see anything but Black in my head, no light, no way out, no other choice, the depression beast had me engulfed as it does most of the time in cycles now too.
Rock bottom. The pits.

I've learnt a lot one thing is it doesn't stay this way.
Sleep's vital. We don't get a lot or quality when down, it affects how we feel usually in a negative way.
Life's so much harder when we're tired and exhausted, we see feel & react to things differently
That part of our brain that works at pulling us down, I think with everyone, not only mental illness or disorders

Self esteem rock bottom, still working at it, it's true we have to like/love ourselves works as a shield.
Great loving good parents lucky

If I'd known in suicide yrs I'd meet a beautiful loving partner and have so much love from family, friends and happiness between the downs, I wouldn't have attempted.

BP downs equate to heavy grieving alone without it on top.It slammed but now I'm looking back and Yes still hurts, always will but we owe it to ourselves to keep going. We don't know whats ahead and nothing stays the same.

I know that now.

[YK]

Thanks DB... Encouraging chat

I will be in touch later

🙏🙏🙌🙌

[startingnew]

hey my special lady, how are you holding up?

[demonblaster]

Hey sweets, yeah finding the happies again slowly thanks, really come down here, was on tail end of BP bloody rough still but better than others so that's 2 now. Starting to win hun.

It's so peaceful here, love trees & bush walks, tracks, sooo many. Good hills, walk them at home too these you have to be watching every step & moving whole bod into not slipping & getting up there. Great work outs

Gunna stay with friend this way soon

thx xx

[startingnew]

you are always winning DB xox your not defeated yet, tired isnt the same as defeated. you are winning xox

it does sound peaceful there, how nice 🙂

[demonblaster]

Rock Star/wolf

Hi told you a hundred times already but think about you so much and miss you something terrible.
I so hope whatever struck you is backing off & you're on the heal. You're so strong & deserve good in life.

Hey I started reading over our posts from 1st again haven't got far but want to continue & finish reading before I read others full threads here, think I read one others so far.

I realised finally I'm not in love with the chooky good friend, could do but yeah happy to know either way.

This isn't meant as sad but I kinda don't know what I"m here for what I'm living for. Pretty wrong feeling that way I do have a lot of like/love but think after losing beautiful partner 3 yrs this mth when someone loved me for me and blokes they use, yeah like me but don't really care. Met one recently was so filled with happy, felt complete but poor guys going through 30 yr grieving, understood/understand that but wrong time for him, he contacted me recently & we spoke easily again for 2 & half hrs ph, gunna see how it goes. For the first time in my life I'm going to respect myself & wait Rock. Not just jump straight in, dunno how we'll go haven't heard since from him, time will tell but it hurt hard so not holding hope, closed heart a bit. Have to I think. That sort of loneliness is horrid aye.

Hey I know/knew that I wasn't what you were meaning for someone to hold your hand but know I still am and never plan to let go. You're such an important part of my life, that'll never change. I don't forget good people like you. Ever.

My sincere wish for you my dear loved friend is good health, please be ok Rock. You are such a survivor. I'm in awe of you.

Much love and best wishes for 2018 RockStar, A star you truly are. You've made such a difference to so many
I"m always by your side ((( best souls hugs )))

So hope we meet again xx

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear DB,

I hope I'm not intruding.

Awe honey, You are here (living) because you have such a huge heart and a gentle caring soul, that radiates from your words, GOLD.. The research work you are doing on depression is awesome, you have helped so many people to begin to understand it.

I am speaking for me, but I know most will agree....I was completely lost, confused, didn't understand what was happening to me or my mind, your helping me/others to start to understand this debilitating depression. You are so liked /loved by me and many more for helping us to know that the light is there. and with your help so many has found it..I will one day find it as well, I get flickers of it, loose it, then with your words of faith,encouragement and knowledge the flicker comes back. You are here, because you are loved, and you give love, compassion, care and support for a lot of people.

Have patience with your new guy, he rang you a last week, so you are in his thoughts, that's good, you left an impact on him.. Leave your heart half open for receiving and giving friendship, I am so proud of you DB..for your respect to you..love that.

I want to wish you a Happy New Year, filled with peace, love, happiness and good health.. if I may Starwolf I also wish you the same as I did for DB.. huge hugs for you both,

(L&C)..

Grandy..

[startingnew]

i think Grand is really on the ball here DB, your really loved and cared for. btw its ok to ask those questions and feel crappy every now and then as long as they dont over rule you. we care a whole heap about you and your welfare. i also just want to remind you that the helplines are always open ok. dont be afraid to use those xoxo

[startingnew]

also forgot to add wishing you a safe and happy new year my special lady xoxox

[demonblaster]

love you & Starwolf Grandy

I feel your wings often around me, thankyou.

Dunno Grandy & Rock, I've never had anything ahead like goals, can never stay at anything, between cycles there's nothing, no desire, not unhappy, ok mostly just living doing enjoy people, happy go lucky get on but there's nothing. Was content had & loved very lucky I know. So much has happened since he died, lot of people contact, new/old. Wild for few mths then poker few mths, needed to with grieving. Physical pain beyond back pain that's tops this hit 15 on 1-10 scale, ya hack stuff you have to but it makes ya feel vulnerable but survival kicks in when you have to, we've got it there
friendship love hurt I've got so much love need it we all do I reckon, it's the ultimate & affection Dunno, not down just dunno
Gunna stay with friend soon this way then back home
I feel here I have a purpose, wanna stick here but come & go with things think BP stuff but trying I know I'm close to getting this shit G something blocks it but I"m stubborn helps aye ROCK
we can get this shit all of us

You help me Grandy too thankyou for saying it really means a lot & what you say to others, I can't word how you make me feel it goes deep in how you talk your compassion comes from a warm loving place. You move me

Love to you & Rock (LOVE your depth both of you)

You're never intruding I always want you near

Peace for you both

[Ggrand]

Hi DB,

It's hard to set goals DB when beasty has a hold, I don't have any either, I can't see past today atm, let alone setting goals, I just wait for morning then wait for night, getting through each day the best I can. I can't see nothing past the day I'm surviving.

Sounds like your sort of hanging in limbo. Not sad, not happy, just normal, that's the beast DB, try to make you feel down so he can pounce on you. Careful there DB.

You had a special love with your partner, he loved you for you. That's pure love DB, I'm so pleased you felt that, but so sad of your loss.. I never have felt love, only person that said that they love me apart from my sons is you DB, I cried when you told me, was feeling ready to leave, I heard you, I care about you and didnt want to hurt you..

I hate your physical pain hun, so wish I can take it away for you. 15 out of 1-10, that's huge pain, makes for downs very hard to get up. You have purpose here DB, you help so many people, you like people and enjoy their company, on and off the forums, your a blessing to a lot of people...Do you mind if I ask you a question I'm stuck on?..ok I know you would say fire away..DB, what's your opinion . If you forgive some one for hurting you really badly, does that mean if you don't forget the bad and hurt they done to you, then deep down you haven't forgiven them them? If you don't feel to answer that's ok.

I like helping people it helps me..I cry when I answer some posts, if I read,see,hear anything sad, well I cry, I feel their pain and hurt.. that's part of who I am.

Enjoy you time with your friend, put all your energy into focusing on your friend and have a ball together, you deserve it and it will make you feel good. .

Its good to be stubborn, that's a winner in tough talking beasty down, I give up to easily, been in to deep for to long now.. will try and pull some of your stubbornness through the internet. I'm sure the closer you get to destroying the beast, the stronger that brick wall will block you, but we can break it down brick by brick, you can and I know youn will do that one day soon. .

Ive been trying when my mind is capable of doing so, some research on Depression and BP, it helps me to understand it more plus I want to learn about what you feel and go through with BP, I want to be able to be their for you if and when you need someone to talk to in a downer.

please enjoy hun, take a mental holiday and have fun with your friend.

(L&C) always.

Grandy.