Surviving: Being in a better place

[demonblaster]

Hi all 🙂
Thought this thread might be of use to talk about your stories if you like and where you're at now.
In a better place.

I have Bipolar, (BP) pretty sure all my life. Wasn't diagnosed, I approached them thinking I have this at age 46.
The ups (mania) are magic, ying and yang (opposites) evident with BP & in many other ways.
The downs, crippling. Still ..but I'm DETERMINED to beat them with time & effort and professional help.One of the psychiatrists said it can't be beaten, I say cause it maybe hasn't been done, doesn't mean it can't be.
Have come an incredibly long way so far.
Long way to go probs but HAS to be sooner rather than later, else this mother of a demon will get me, I live in fear of going under the line again which majority of the time the head goes South but looking back at those times knowing I got through & that it's not always like that helps.
SO many good times, happy times between.

The cycles have gone from Rapid cycling (4 or more a yr) to 8/10 a yr since the loss of my beloved partner of 28yrs to leukaemia.

My teens starting at 14yrs I attempted suicide 4 times.
You're in hell considering, contemplating & ultimately attempting suicide, we're going against our strongest basic instinct. Survival.

Wanted OUT, couldn't see anything but Black in my head, no light, no way out, no other choice, the depression beast had me engulfed as it does most of the time in cycles now too.
Rock bottom. The pits.

I've learnt a lot one thing is it doesn't stay this way.
Sleep's vital. We don't get a lot or quality when down, it affects how we feel usually in a negative way.
Life's so much harder when we're tired and exhausted, we see feel & react to things differently
That part of our brain that works at pulling us down, I think with everyone, not only mental illness or disorders

Self esteem rock bottom, still working at it, it's true we have to like/love ourselves works as a shield.
Great loving good parents lucky

If I'd known in suicide yrs I'd meet a beautiful loving partner and have so much love from family, friends and happiness between the downs, I wouldn't have attempted.

BP downs equate to heavy grieving alone without it on top.It slammed but now I'm looking back and Yes still hurts, always will but we owe it to ourselves to keep going. We don't know whats ahead and nothing stays the same.

I know that now.

[startingnew]

hey DB (and everyone)

im glad there are some good moments happening too. have to balance out the negative stuff hey. im worried about you and for you. i really hope they can help and do something for you in regards tot he neurosurgeon. we will be sitting with you always xoxox

GG- that is really amazing! im really proud of you!

[demonblaster]

Thanks Starts, yeah it's serious they're not mucking around getting me in. Couldn't put it off, didn't at the time know what was going on.

[startingnew]

Will be sitting with you DB along with your cheersquad here ❤

[demonblaster]

BP Day 50. (7ish wks)

Yes happy beans coming back, started yesterday. Normal happies not mania ones.....I hope..

Caught up on sleep nearly too, was going back to bed but not now, was up 6.30am gorgeous time of life waking up but yeah/nah lol prefer not to be up that early.

Had couple hrs sleep last night late then got up and took a wee while but slept through.

Be able to give up durries in next day or two, one more pkt, can't afford them they've killed financially but need to be in complete right head space to do & have to cause of op soon

Status: Always thought a lot about GC & Uni hosp, knew one day I'd land at either, this is the hardest trigger but has to be done to continue with the process I guess but 7 + mths it was heavily our lives, best part of a yr, in your face but hacked ok, can take that sort of pressure but not well when people are pratts but no one was.
Feeling sads so many memories. So vivid. Back was recovering but still very painful couldn't walk easily from bad out, had to carry around two big bags of clothing, didn't have anywhere to stay, no money but you wouldn't believe how much happened that was external I'm positive helping us, I felt a very strong sense of fil (father in law) helping his son & me & what backs up moreso external help is we had issues, got on but ... so I wouldn't have been thinking about him but it was strong. He helped, NO DOUBT so much went in my favor to be able to get on with looking after him like you wouldn't believe
So many more thoughts with such clarity, tearing but ok, so hoping but if not it'll be ok that one of the two people can go with me there. Want someone to hold my hand & be with me, there's few others too but one of these two otherwise community transport. I'm usually ok to do stuff alone, it's just so serious & the emotions run deep for what went on there. Ooops crying

Anyway if we become stronger from every bad that hits us, we'll leave on top.
Sometimes I don't think I can but that's beasty having it's way. Learning & starting to defeat the beast

[YK]

Hi DB, well mate what can I say you've explained down to a tee what I have been wondering about my guy.

Although he can't talk about it as that's acknowledging it. The worst part is me realising how directly his mood affects mine and inability to sleep or think peacefully due to his constant changes of "mind", lack of interest and enthusiasm.

I mean for ex he can sent explicit text messages calling me names and then when I say please dont do that, he asks me to delete them like they never existed.

thanks for sharing all of this with me, it's really helped make me stop doubting my belief of what essentially he is projecting.

he is.. At my insistence seeing a councillor which is awesome news, so I don't want to ask again if he's made an appointment with a GP to get a physchological assessment.. Is that the correct term?

I worry he may not confide in the counselor about his behavior... If he doesnt accept he feels or acts certain ways.

He has taken six months and three months of me begging to finally see a counsellor (even though he had in the past) . He has been twice and will go again in NY so I don't want to pressure him about the MH plan, but of course for me it's the deal breaker that if he can't acknowledge and seek treatment I can't be in a relationship with him.

He's a danger to me, himself and to other who are close to him. This much I have witnessed and this hurts and brings me down the most - knowing he cannot see how "treatment" could potentially quell a lot of the negative attributes.

Do you get in rages or really uncertain moods? I read some of your posts and can relate as I alike a close friend of mine have the potential to fall into dark depressive states - hence being v sensitive to my guys MH and reading other people struggles.

It's like we all have this will inside of us and it can be beaten and taken by the way others treat us, by misfortune, by loss of loved ones, trauma, leaving us thinking - why me.

Let's cover it up with AOD, gambling, addiction, crazy work ethics of let's mope around fragmented, feeling lost, being judged as underachievers because its literally a constant battle just having enough will to be positive about living.

I get that. And I really sympathise how bad it must feel to have those really dark low times. You guys must be v strong to rise up. ☺

This post appeared after the one underneath hence late reply!!!! Really helped me today. Thanks

have a wonderful day 🙏

[demonblaster]

Thx YK & again for asking stuff too

He's a danger, has he been physical in any form? I know mentally which is bloody hard

Yes/No ...Rages kinda. Bad when I was younger. I've got a quick temper if someones aggressive, attitude I know (hate " Attitude" but don't have to take shit, cool down instantly...bit of cold shoulder never hurt tho when ya wanna drive a point home lol sshhhh don't tell 😄 Shame isn't it that some people make us need to stand up
Getting heaps better not swearing... as much sometimes it's needed. sounds like I have a lot of arguments, have over the yrs but compared to getting on well with people maybe 5% & that's being amongst lot of people from lot of moves in Oz. Bit of a ramble 🙂

Counsellor. Well done sounds like it'll be the hinge for your relationship, how does he feel about you does he like/love you too.
Yeah no point if he's not honest... what about you going too, it's affecting you both, yous can open up & probs be able to support each other more with understanding. Communications what we don't do well as a majority. In that setting he might be more inclined to open up

I know you're really into him, been a few mths did you say soz could look back, nah lol
What's he like is he good to you, does he care. You'd know.

Whatever the cause of his depression which seems to be the mother imo to most MI/MH it's really harsh, you get swamped in pain & anger, lack of sleep all this you know about. Emotions get fragmented, stress majors mostly when sleep interfered with

Yeah you're copping it, fair call about deal breaker, you're helping him get help. Looking good that he's going to.
Stay strong darl you're doing well by yourself & him

"It's like we all have this will inside of us and it can be beaten and taken by the way others treat us, by misfortune, by loss of loved ones, trauma, leaving us thinking - why me".
Crushes us. It's down to how we react. Our thoughts of how it makes us feel. If we can turn how in the down sense to how can we deal or learn from

The will's still there (strength) gets buried but our minds are powerful it's learning to use it for not against ourselves.

Thanks darl We gain strength by learning how to work through

Been lately doing bits of a post randomly
Bbl missed something in your post
talk about you too if you want YK how you're feeling, I know it's rough but go for it if you want

[Peppermintbach]

Hi DB and all posters and readers,

I think it’s great to hear that your mood seems to be lifting. It’s probably very welcome after your recent deep “down.” Also, despite your early start this morning, I’m glad you’re getting a little more sleep. Sleep can make such a difference...

If it’s okay, I’m giving you a gentle hug as you let the tears fall. Sadly, none of us can physically be there when you go to hospital but we will be there with you emotionally and spiritually.

We can hold your hand all the way...you’re not alone. We will help you wipe away your tears too if you get scared. Lean on us...always with you in spirit 🙂

Much love,

Pepper xoxo

[demonblaster]

You're incredible Peps what a friend xx

You never have to ask to hug me honey

From deep...thank you

[Peppermintbach]

Hi DB and all,

Thank you 🙂

You’re most welcome...

Also visiting to send you some caring thoughts for New Year’s Day

I realise it’s a little early but I won’t be posting much over the next few days as I have some New Year related celebrations...so I wanted to get the message in now 🙂

Happy new year with loving and gentle vibes coming your way.

Catch up after New Year’s Day 🙂

Soul hugs,

Pepper xoxo

[demonblaster]

Thanks sweety and to you too

been thinking about you as well, really hope you're feeling a bit better than you have been.

Sounds like you've been having some good social time hun hope that's been good for you

Big Care hun xxx