Surviving: Being in a better place

[demonblaster]

Hi all 🙂
Thought this thread might be of use to talk about your stories if you like and where you're at now.
In a better place.

I have Bipolar, (BP) pretty sure all my life. Wasn't diagnosed, I approached them thinking I have this at age 46.
The ups (mania) are magic, ying and yang (opposites) evident with BP & in many other ways.
The downs, crippling. Still ..but I'm DETERMINED to beat them with time & effort and professional help.One of the psychiatrists said it can't be beaten, I say cause it maybe hasn't been done, doesn't mean it can't be.
Have come an incredibly long way so far.
Long way to go probs but HAS to be sooner rather than later, else this mother of a demon will get me, I live in fear of going under the line again which majority of the time the head goes South but looking back at those times knowing I got through & that it's not always like that helps.
SO many good times, happy times between.

The cycles have gone from Rapid cycling (4 or more a yr) to 8/10 a yr since the loss of my beloved partner of 28yrs to leukaemia.

My teens starting at 14yrs I attempted suicide 4 times.
You're in hell considering, contemplating & ultimately attempting suicide, we're going against our strongest basic instinct. Survival.

Wanted OUT, couldn't see anything but Black in my head, no light, no way out, no other choice, the depression beast had me engulfed as it does most of the time in cycles now too.
Rock bottom. The pits.

I've learnt a lot one thing is it doesn't stay this way.
Sleep's vital. We don't get a lot or quality when down, it affects how we feel usually in a negative way.
Life's so much harder when we're tired and exhausted, we see feel & react to things differently
That part of our brain that works at pulling us down, I think with everyone, not only mental illness or disorders

Self esteem rock bottom, still working at it, it's true we have to like/love ourselves works as a shield.
Great loving good parents lucky

If I'd known in suicide yrs I'd meet a beautiful loving partner and have so much love from family, friends and happiness between the downs, I wouldn't have attempted.

BP downs equate to heavy grieving alone without it on top.It slammed but now I'm looking back and Yes still hurts, always will but we owe it to ourselves to keep going. We don't know whats ahead and nothing stays the same.

I know that now.

[demonblaster]

BP day 6

Bit blah but manageable and tired. Allniter 5am bed. Going back soon. Went to bed at 1.30am ish was just so damned content lol didn't wanna lose it and would have slept eventually without sleeper I think but got up for a durry then here if not woulda been tv.

Feeling so cruisy but nice sort of, not being super charged, the adrenalins not kicked in with this so that's a major good.

Think I'm coming outta this, wahooo well better if I could keep the cruisy but when I recover I'll know for sure if this is one of the rare easiest ones. I think maybe twice in my long time with partner I said that wasn't too bad, also no other stress atm. As far as mania its definately the best as in lowest. Maybe I was type 1 longer than I thought if there was an inbetween that'd be me after I got the highs down the pills didnt make much dif over a yr or more before I meditated them down and thought on how to calm the excitement.

If it was like this I'd settle for it tho those anxieties are heavy going but I can pull them down boy they come on strong and fast. Stress finding an out I think. That'll reduce I hope when I figure out and learn more

Working atm on how to handle stress mentally. I should research it and anxiety actually have a list to check out incl C-PTSD and OCD which I think yes cause if extreme obsessives with some people Grandy I love and yeah attached but thats not the obsessive I'm meaning, bit scary but I've never nor will hurt anyone just so damned full on, working on backing off too it's REALLY hard.

I mostly learn by hearing and thinking.

Also working on pushing through the walls, slowly starting. I've for yrs needed to rewrite passwords on paper and recently I was starting to do things actually that may have been mania starting come to think anyway I did manage to do more, .not finished yetI'm not sure which ones to change on PC or tablet and which sites but I'll get there so at least started it and plan to finish

The problem with my head being so often all over the shop is Learning ,happens but in bits or later pennies drop but at least they do. I want and like learning but often it's listening but not hearing working on that too but thinking helps cause in clearer times ya see things. I don't think as much but do when I'm in "normal" space mania opens the mind and kickstarts it

Thanks listening

Grandy could u plz remind me to get back to u re BP if u can thanks hun xx

[demonblaster]

You're so cute Grandy thank you 🤗 for everything

Post coming re arm thanks for asking 😚

Smiling and loving the cupboard commentary does poached eggs on toast constitute for a good meal. Another on my 10 foot list lol is to start cooking more often which is rare and healthy too & tjat'll get the rest of the weight off. I lost 50 kg so far shame grieving stress but at least its off about 25 ish to go.
Yum lollipop love it thanks, you know you're REALLY good at fantasy so sad you had to go into fantasy as a child 🤗

Yeah not as often but I have mixed, boyo rare but I
Sunk deep as, instant. Bloody roller coaster. So what's the dif between ultra and mixed, so ultras different cycles which mixed is too? You are explaining well, it's me loveymi

Ok just read again so I'm thinking mood shifts would be mixed? That aside is the mixed moods if they're happening in rapid cycling the reason it's called ultra

I don't want to bog you down when you're struggling so I will also but when urgh check it out but what I want to know if you know or what should I ask google is I think I might be more than a rapid cycler cause I have 8-10 a yr the last psych said

Thank you Grandy really mean it for what you do for me 🦄

Going back bed soon might skip walk I think it adds to exhaustion but still need to do them but can put me into mania again so finding the balance

You have a lovely day the suns so nice isn't it, it gives a sense of peace and the light we need for mood

🌹

[startingnew]

Hey DB

m so glad your pains settled down

how are you going today?

[Ggrand]

Hello Deebi,

On my Mental Health Care Plan the Psych has written..."Ultra rapid cycling dysphoric hypomania BP2...plus a few others...I tried looking this up unsuccessfully...I have searched ultra rapid cycling and found some information their but nothing on the label they gave me...if you find out something on my label can you please help me out with some information if that's okay..

I hope you sleep now..I'm pleased you ate healthy for lunch. I'm super proud of you for loosing so much weight..You really do deserve a major 🎁..and 🏆🥇..

(L&C).

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy.

[PamelaR]

Hello Deebi (wave to everyone else on your support team)

Thank you for the compliment. You make me feel good about myself. It's nice. I'm very punishing to myself and it hurts sometimes. Getting better though. Trying to stop myself.

Absolutely poached eggs on toast is rich in Omega 3. Well done you.

Aren't passwords a hassle. I have so many - written on scraps of paper everywhere. I too need to consolidate them. I'll get there one day. At least you're making a start.... woohoo.

I'm don't know much about bipolar disorder, but I am trying to understand from the things you and Grandy talk about. It flies over my head. Will have to do some more reading about it.

Learning is always good. It makes my head hurt sometimes and the older I get the harder it is to keep things in my head. Short term memory is going.....

Hope you sleep okay tonight dear Deebi and your pain isn't too bad.

Sleep tight. Nighty night.

Pammy🌹

[demonblaster]

Starts 1 sec

Grandy thanks so much dysphoria I checked when you first mentioned it a while back I'll again its in the depression family and hypo means low. hypo and low rhyme, hyper means high so mania but low level slightly elevated mood mmm never only slightly but yeah x

Thanks asking Starts, not good at all lovey. There's some things really bothering me, stressing me out a lot I'm a bit angry but not to go off and pretty sure I'm understanding it have to talk to the people which I prefer to talk things over its better to communicate. God knows when

Rhetorical and its just the frame of mind atm but seriously how much do ya have to take dahh I'm really over this bull

Soz wasn't lying just my mind wasn't on it when I said I haven't got stress, its bothered me for few mths and smaller other stuff and a whopper too. I have honour and do the right thing.I'll talk to them near future.

I just don't know if I'll be here talking/ reading only or not at all for dunno how long, but want yaz to know so not to worry if I'm not here if I do leave for any length of time unlikely knowing me I'll do quicky or hi or whatever and I thumb what ive read or may do light talk god I don't know or maybe heavy phooey I'm starting to really get the jack of this and I'm not in deep for frig sake not light either. From yesterday man it was beeeutiful today bearable friggen rot sarvo on. It'll pass its just the now damn it!

Everything said here I listen and to majority of threads I follow so I love that yous take the time and chat etc but understand completely if yous don't when/if I'm gone.

Again thank you asking Starts.

Not sure just have to wait and see, should be ok but had a feeling other day that's scared me, think it'll be ok but I'm Definately going to learn from it. I don't scare easily but gut feeling said watch out, think It'll be ok and a good warning to learn from. Got reason to be concerned.

Going pictures and somewhere after with friend fri night. Another one they moved back here but they weren't far so was in touch fair bit. Yay can't drum up much enthusiasm but am stoked and lovely neighbours moving but happy for them better place gunna stay over sometimes they're still in this area will be. Changes, mostly goods

Thank you x all of you. I'll be ok

[Ggrand]

Hello Deebi,

Awe Deebi honey, I'm really sorry your struggling so much.. You said you've been stressing for a few months..I wished I knew maybe if you talked here, released it a bit, we could have helped you get through or made it easier for you..

Deebi, You said something scared you, Can you or do you want to talk about it? You really sound shaken up..

I am really sad when you say you might leave for a while, I'm sorry but I get scared when your not around, I know you said your okay, but I'm not so sure..

Is this the same thing that bothered you a couple of months back..re phone call? Sorry not nosey just concerned..

Please enjoy your time out at the pictures, I hope it's something good playing and you enjoy your friends company..It's good your friends are lose and you can sometimes have a get-a-way from your place..

Love you Deebi,

Good Night my sweet friend, I'm not leaving you ever, my promise to you.. I'm sitting with you tonight at mine watching the stars...oh did I tell you two little visitors are here just for you tonight to watch and play with...Can you guess, 🐻🐱..2 little puddy dats, You can pet them while we sit together quietly in each other's company looking at the twinkle of the stars and glow of the moon..

Goodnight Sweet lady Deebi.

Im here anytime..

(L&C)..

Grandy..

[demonblaster]

Ohh Grandy

How can I thank you enough for how you make me feel so secure and happy to see you. God I hate this shit 😭 sorry people I'm trying hard not to swear, there doesn't need there to be any stress on to make ya feel like this aye and everything surfaces that you have walls up for. [ ITx ] strips ya

There's other was excutiating short pain often either groin or hip or? GP's stumped had it about 8 yrs it settled catches occasionally but stirred up last couple days evil pain and tonight couple times nearly couldn't walk but hopefully it'll settle doc said could be from my back.

I'd love to openly talk here esp to you but I can't for some things which aren't terrible I was able to deal ok with one but was stress but yeah could hack and understood another chews at me both outta loyalty and the main stuff can't here annnnd other thing I'm partly at fault but did something right for a change. Too much for here tho

There's so much Grandy and I can't here

Its beasty surfacing

Thank god when enough sleep happens it passes you know aye. You ok?

This isn't to worry about honestly just saying stuff I can, had a fleeting thought but dismissed it, only thinking do I wanna go through this anymore but the resolve was straight on it and wasnt contemplating or worse. It's good somethings keeping me here but tbh I'm not sure what atm but for now I don't need to know its enough that the good part fought and dumped it.

Yous can ask anything I know yous care and no way i dont think your nosy lovey

The cats are so sweet thanks you make me smile god you're lovely

Comforting hearing your always here really appreciate that.

My resolve weakened I'm trying to think what's changed, I don't like hate how cruel some people are but I don't take on board so I don't feel its here and there's so many goods about here and filling voids and you too although even if he was here I'd still love you but you've also replaced a loss you know aye. I do feel pathetic but it's not a major.

Cryings good to do.

Just so crazy (scuse the pun) yesterday I was thinking so often every second of lifes precious live it I was so bloody happy tonight I'm a stuffin mess. Ya can handle stuff until sleep gets affected yeah rah rah

🌹

[demonblaster]

Sorryif I don't answer and you want one let me know I'll get better at replies cause of the split screen on tablet but not tonight

No not the ph call tho I wonder and think I've got it sussed and love to but if I'm right not a good start being lied to on two things but I've no doubt the person was genuinely a kind good person. Yeah.,here the majorityI can't szy shame

[startingnew]

Aww SL

Icant get my brain to work properly but im hearing you and offerring some soul hugs to help you through the night

Remember to breathe ok and take things easy. 💕

Love and hugs and will send some butterflies your way 💜