Surviving: Being in a better place

[demonblaster]

Hi all 🙂
Thought this thread might be of use to talk about your stories if you like and where you're at now.
In a better place.

I have Bipolar, (BP) pretty sure all my life. Wasn't diagnosed, I approached them thinking I have this at age 46.
The ups (mania) are magic, ying and yang (opposites) evident with BP & in many other ways.
The downs, crippling. Still ..but I'm DETERMINED to beat them with time & effort and professional help.One of the psychiatrists said it can't be beaten, I say cause it maybe hasn't been done, doesn't mean it can't be.
Have come an incredibly long way so far.
Long way to go probs but HAS to be sooner rather than later, else this mother of a demon will get me, I live in fear of going under the line again which majority of the time the head goes South but looking back at those times knowing I got through & that it's not always like that helps.
SO many good times, happy times between.

The cycles have gone from Rapid cycling (4 or more a yr) to 8/10 a yr since the loss of my beloved partner of 28yrs to leukaemia.

My teens starting at 14yrs I attempted suicide 4 times.
You're in hell considering, contemplating & ultimately attempting suicide, we're going against our strongest basic instinct. Survival.

Wanted OUT, couldn't see anything but Black in my head, no light, no way out, no other choice, the depression beast had me engulfed as it does most of the time in cycles now too.
Rock bottom. The pits.

I've learnt a lot one thing is it doesn't stay this way.
Sleep's vital. We don't get a lot or quality when down, it affects how we feel usually in a negative way.
Life's so much harder when we're tired and exhausted, we see feel & react to things differently
That part of our brain that works at pulling us down, I think with everyone, not only mental illness or disorders

Self esteem rock bottom, still working at it, it's true we have to like/love ourselves works as a shield.
Great loving good parents lucky

If I'd known in suicide yrs I'd meet a beautiful loving partner and have so much love from family, friends and happiness between the downs, I wouldn't have attempted.

BP downs equate to heavy grieving alone without it on top.It slammed but now I'm looking back and Yes still hurts, always will but we owe it to ourselves to keep going. We don't know whats ahead and nothing stays the same.

I know that now.

[demonblaster]

Wow Grandy thanks I felt that massage that was beautiful soothing relaxing, you're so lovely 🤗 we need that

So glad you're feeling a bit better geez hope it is on its way out poor darling.

I too feel so grateful to have met you.

Love you Grandy treasure. You have a good restful sleep tonight won't you, oh that pressy it has two more sets of shakes in it.

Always lovely hearing from you thank you for your time and effort hun 😚💜

Grandy you give me light...thank you ☺

[Ggrand]

Good Night my special friend,

Deebi, I'm sitting here in my lounge room looking out my front door, I see the beautiful radiant full moon, little twinkling stars and a sparkle every now and then of blue, red, green, gold, it's my little sun catcher I made out of old crystals, its catching the moon beams, holding them inside for a split second and exploding out of the sun catcher with brilliance, reminds of you,...

I just went outside and sitting on my old lounge on the veranda, It's quiet, a beautiful full moon, looks like I could reach up and touch it, it's so close..the stars are twinkling, some stars even have little bits of colour in them..I feel comfortable outside at night, calm and relaxed even though some tears fall, I can feel the serenity of the sky..

Deebi I'm scared of your pain, both physical and mentally, please honey fight to come back, fight for your happies, I love you and I'm worried about you.. I've been thinking about when we first met, what we've been through, how you helped me,....tears are falling now Deebi..

Please Deebi, please be 😌 okay.. get back your fire honey, be okay again please.. love you very much Deebi..

Its Easter Sunday now...I'm wishing on the brightest star that I can see, I'm looking at it right now..My wishes for younis..1.. Is for your ruptured discs to heal and no more pain...2..You have a continually happy and peaceful life...

Happy Easter my dear sweet, caring friend,. Some chockies 🍫🍫. and a special present 🎁. But this magical gift you will receive sometime tomorrow when I come to visit you for a cuppa tea, mabe some sultana scones, with jam and freshly whipped cream...

Good night sweet lady, please be okay..

Love you Deeply Deebi.

L&C.

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy..

[demonblaster]

I looked at the few stars last night Grandy I thought of two people, my darling..asked as I do where are you and you.

We have been through stuff Grandy beautiful lady you mean a lot to me ⚘

Sweety I am ok thank you really thank you for your care and concern, I'm not depressed just ..well dunno, slacked off ..I was starting to turn for the better, was starting to feel, started to do, now I'm just here ..again 😢

It probs was a good decision to not do the couple of things I was looking forward to. Haven't told anyone I'm not away.

Dunno guess I'm taking a breather, trying to regroup. Had probs the best sleep in nearly 2 mths last night woken with less pain. Going back to bed soon. Will try and walk today sometime. I was starting to get there Grandy it felt good wasn't mania.

Hope you're ok Grandy has your head 🤕settled? Sounds beautiful where you are with the stars and moon and peace. I do think of you when I look at the stars. Love you too 🤗 don't think I can leave you 😚

Thank you sweet loving soul ⚘ you really matter, so glad we met

💜

💓

[Ggrand]

Hello Deebi,

I am pleased you had a better sleep last night then you have had for a whi. That welled my eyes up when you were looking at the stars last night, I thought how beautiful your soul is.

Are you really okay Deebi, I really hope so. I can understand how you are feeling when you say you are in a void, , that's okay for a little while honey, but you love helping here on the forums and I have a feeling that helping here makes that void go away.

I hope you got back to sleep this morning and your arm was not hurting much when you woke up, if you decide to go for a walk, please can you walk gently.

Deebi, you were going great before what happened here, and I'm really so very sorry about that, but please don't let it take over you, its hard I know but please try hard to pick yourself up, dust yourself down, because I know in my heart that you love being here. Please give it a try, even for a day or so and see how you feel, it gives you some distraction, makes you feel good knowing your helping someone..no pressure just thinking.

My migraine is easing of a lot, but I have been crying a lot today because no Easter Wishes from 2 of my sons, it hurts Deebi, a lot, Trying not to, but it makes me think of my lack of worth , guilt, weakness, it all comes back, so quickly, then the tears and well yeah.........comes back.

I cant help but worry about you, your posts seem to lack the passion you used to have. They have a sadness about them and that makes me both worry and sad for you as well, you sound defeated honey, but your not, Its just not fair, you deserve so much happiness.

The hour went back this morning, I like this way better, it makes the days shorter, I like the nights, I know no one is around and I feel safe outside at night time. love my stars honey, peaceful and serene, the big picture and I always wonder why and whats up their..

Love you so much Deebi, your so kind honey, but the kindness I feel from your words are really from your heart, makes me feel safe.

I'm on my computer atm, so no emotions, I don't use it much but ipad hurts my eyes atm, to bright.

Love and care always deep in my heart and soul for you.

I know you said your okay, but I just don't know Deebi, I feel something in not right

Love you Deebi.....(heart & hugs).

Grandy.

[Doolhof]

Hi DB,

Just popping by to say "Goodaye". I've not been on the forum for a few days, been feeling a bit off!

I really enjoyed Karen's writing about the moon and the stars. I awoke early Easter Saturday to see the moon through our kitchen window as it was about to go down behind the little hill near us. It was still so bright and amazing.

It is good to take the time to enjoy and appreciate such special moments, even if they are fleeting.

Sending you warm wishes DB and hope you are doing okay!

Cheers from Dools

[demonblaster]

Dear dear Grandy thankyou for your time. I really am sorry you didnt hear from your sons that would hurt darlin, hope you have comfort in me holding you tight. Dear Grandy you're such a good loving person hate you burting like this.

You're perceptive G, honestly I don't know, was fi ding happies and yeah real shame aye ☹. I don't have a reason to get up anymore I've got like/love I'm lucky and reasons to be happy but 😭..not depressed just there's nothing Grandy. Sleeping most of the time now.

I do like helping people yeah G but don't feel good at that either there's been some that answer others and not mine doesnt make ya feel like you're any help or worthwhile, gunna leave that thread clearly my inputs not worth it. Over it. Hurts its not though nice thank you I want but for them to answer everyone else and ignore me whatta ya sposed to feel. Doesn't make me wanna go and skip

God 😭 my eyes out, giving durries up too. Geez dunno bout this opening up and talking Grandy ..gets too wet

I think too bout what its all about up there G its fascinated me since I could think and they're so beautiful to look at the stars aye. Imagine me with you there holding your hand content and happy in each others company ☺

Hey I'm so sorry Happy Easter darlin too which maybe isnt, please G darling don't listen to beasty you are a giant with worthiness love care wisdom heart compassion. You're so easy to love lady 💜💑 SO kind and deserving of peace.

Hope your heads still easing off Grandy love they pull ya down don't they 🤗

Love and care to you too lovey 😚⚘💓 really appreciate you

Doolsy nice of you to pop in thank you.

Hope you're picking up. Yeah Grandy's amazing how she describes things and your moon too sounded lovely. Natures beautiful for sure we live in an incredible place

Take care good kind people 🤗

[PamelaR]

Hello Deeb

Just popping in to see how things are.

Good to hear you had the best night sleep in 2 months. Hope it keeps up.

Also good you are making decisions for you - that is not going to things. Sometimes we all need time out for ourselves. It is healthy to take stock and come out again. I guess the trick is not getting stuck in there. But I think you're good, you know yourself DB. Go with what you feels the best.

Sending love, hugs.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[demonblaster]

Grandy and Dools reply not landed yet

Pammy good to see you hope your break was good ☺ photography aye

Thanks lovey I did wanna go to both things but pulled away had a v.rough night with arm before that and another recently so thought just rest it.

Hope you're refreshed and well 🤗

Thanks drooping by and for your time xx

[PamelaR]

Had a good time doing photography Deeb. Takes my mind off anything else.

Yep, very refreshed. Except having a migraine too, like Grandy (all that Easter chocolate - except I never had any). Coming out of the worst of it now.

Rest well tonight. Giving your arm and shoulder some Reiki to see if that helps a little.

xoxox

[Ggrand]

Hello my sweet Deebi,

I just want you to know I'm thinking about you and to tell you how super special you are to me and others..

Your special gift I gave you yesterday is....A little lead crystal box, with a gold heart set into it..Now this little crystal box when you look inside it's black, nothing but back, ..inside the golden heart it has teeny weeny silver glitter plus one bit bigger then teeny weeny, a golden disc inside..When you feel sad or depressed sweetheart please justbyou hold this little sparkling crystal box in your hands, just gently shake it then with the box you look into it..What you will see will be an amazing night sky with silver glitter twinkling stars and a full bright golden moon..The silver glitter that lands on the moon will have special words, believe, faith, hope and love..The love is from me to you and to remind you that so many people love you...the belief, is for you to believe in yourself, because you are a extraordinary lady, capable of doing anything...The faith is for you to have faith in yourself, faith that you are perfect just as you are andvto stay true to yourself.. the hope..is for you to have hope that you will heal, and that around the,corner is something wonderful for you..This little gift of crystal with golden heart and silver will never ever be given to anyone but you honey....because I put a piece of my heart into the golden heart, so I can be there for you when ever you need me.💜..

If you loose it or someone else looks into this little crystal box they see nothing but black,,you are the only one that can see the beauty that the box beholds.xx

Good Night my super specialDeebi, I hope you sleep well and deep,