Surviving: Being in a better place

[demonblaster]

Hi all 🙂
Thought this thread might be of use to talk about your stories if you like and where you're at now.
In a better place.

I have Bipolar, (BP) pretty sure all my life. Wasn't diagnosed, I approached them thinking I have this at age 46.
The ups (mania) are magic, ying and yang (opposites) evident with BP & in many other ways.
The downs, crippling. Still ..but I'm DETERMINED to beat them with time & effort and professional help.One of the psychiatrists said it can't be beaten, I say cause it maybe hasn't been done, doesn't mean it can't be.
Have come an incredibly long way so far.
Long way to go probs but HAS to be sooner rather than later, else this mother of a demon will get me, I live in fear of going under the line again which majority of the time the head goes South but looking back at those times knowing I got through & that it's not always like that helps.
SO many good times, happy times between.

The cycles have gone from Rapid cycling (4 or more a yr) to 8/10 a yr since the loss of my beloved partner of 28yrs to leukaemia.

My teens starting at 14yrs I attempted suicide 4 times.
You're in hell considering, contemplating & ultimately attempting suicide, we're going against our strongest basic instinct. Survival.

Wanted OUT, couldn't see anything but Black in my head, no light, no way out, no other choice, the depression beast had me engulfed as it does most of the time in cycles now too.
Rock bottom. The pits.

I've learnt a lot one thing is it doesn't stay this way.
Sleep's vital. We don't get a lot or quality when down, it affects how we feel usually in a negative way.
Life's so much harder when we're tired and exhausted, we see feel & react to things differently
That part of our brain that works at pulling us down, I think with everyone, not only mental illness or disorders

Self esteem rock bottom, still working at it, it's true we have to like/love ourselves works as a shield.
Great loving good parents lucky

If I'd known in suicide yrs I'd meet a beautiful loving partner and have so much love from family, friends and happiness between the downs, I wouldn't have attempted.

BP downs equate to heavy grieving alone without it on top.It slammed but now I'm looking back and Yes still hurts, always will but we owe it to ourselves to keep going. We don't know whats ahead and nothing stays the same.

I know that now.

[demonblaster]

You really are a beautiful person Pepstar thank you, really 💓

I'll work on what you said. It'll take a while, I'll get there eventually even if sporadic depending on MH.

Btw not that I've ever thought you do go on honestly, you imo would never bother anyone because of your gentleness and how you say things.

I'm SLOWLY. Learning how to proof paragraph proof again and get ramble that I want out that is 😁 so getting there ☺

Bugger, can't believe I'm saying that but having symptoms of mania again. Unbelievable so I'll do what GP saids ok and if it is I'll supervised go off my remaining med. Will make app with GP for next wk.

From type 1 I'm pretty sure I use to have, lets say mania was at 120%. Easier to make my point. At this stage I have it down to 50% control with a lot of effort. I need it at around 25%. Might change when I get more balance. In it I function normally as in doing things which I've slowly 🐢 been working on. I'll settle for 20% few tweaks needed. Learning more about it helps. Practice. I'm starting to get a grip on this beast. The powers turning. Where it had me in this as mentioned its beyond hell and indescribable. In time I hope not to get that deep at all.

The other day when I was struggling and lifted around people I was asked what I'm on 😆 if only he knew. In good times I'll tell them how low it goes so when I say I'm in BP they might understand. Mil & a nephews seen my deepest pain. Apart from my darling Mum/Dad & brothers yrs ago saw glimpses that's it.

Thanks listening.

Love & appreciation

Love 💜🌹 Grandy darling 🤗

[Ggrand]

Hello lovely Deebi...

I just wanted to let you know that last night I watched the stars,✨✨..I started thinking of you so I decided to get a string of pearls, 📿.Then I tied a knot on one end threw it towards the brightest star ⭐️ that shown last night, I trapped it and pulled it down and placed it gently on you last night while you were sleeping then into your beautiful soul today it went...Shine on lovely Deebi...💜...You're so cared for here and loved here...

Grandy...

[demonblaster]

What an incredible lady you are 💜 You never fail to either move me, make me ☺/ 😂 or 😢 only because I love you so much and don't want you hurting. Please don't not ever tell me where you're at, this is a two way St precious lady tho tbh sometimes I feel I must be a drain on you (you've NEVER given me reason to think that but I do, and you're here for me more often than I you. Grandy it's too often! think I'm a bit average cause IT xx won't let bloody go!

Didnt med see how it goes, mania settled but was definately going on. Sleep sarvo was another indicator, still quite tired but did get off (sleep thread).

Out tomoz said yes/no depending how I am on waking. With new MH group.

This will get better won't it, I won't have to work so hard each time with practise and change. Can only hope.

I know ages ago Grandy they weren't sure and you either about C -PTSD it seems certain now lovey?

Thanks so much hun for reminder of 4 thoughts. I've copied and possibly bugger it lost all the stuff bb related elsewhere but got some stuff here. Read couple more times & will again. Before it had me severely in strong hold few times. Took every bit to get through. God it was hard work. Did it tho 🎊🎉 It's being sooky la la cause I'm not playing with it. Lessening in severity but still clinging the mutt. Enough already! I'll get there.

Sincere love Grandy, thank you for your beautiful friendship. 💜🌹🕊💑

[Ggrand]

Dear Special lovely Deebi..

Oh don't ever think you "drain" me, it's the opposite really, you fill my heart and soul with a warmth that makes me feel I belong...On the rare times I don't post, I feel so alone, lost and sad...I just hope I don't post to much to you, that you will get annoyed with me...

Do you think you could be in mixed cycle, some people have mixed with mania the dominant polar.....others can have mixed with the downer the dominant polar, that's what I usually have...Please be okay 🕊.Deebi..

Oh Deebi honey, I pray that it will get better for you. I don't like seeing you in pain, 😢...C-PTSD, yeah it's harder to come back from then BP downer, it really does bring the why not? into my thoughts..

I hope you do wake up okay to go to mh group today, some nice hellos, chatting and hugs will warm your heart Deebi, Beasty [IT] xx ?..is just being a stubborn. You once told me you were stubborn, bring that stubbornness out honey and 🏸..a one sided tennis match with Beasty 👿 is needed..You of corse have the 🏸, and use 👿 as the 🎾..Weeeee, 😆😂😅 send him flying to deserted 🏝 so [IT] xx cannot get back.. Try thinking happy thoughts honey, outs with your friends, walks along the beach, chopping the wood.. shaking my head..tch ..tch..tch.. but itvwas fun at the time..

L🌋Ve Y🔥U. Special friend..Please be okay.💜🦄..

All you beautiful wonderful people reading or posting..I really hope today brings you a little light so you can enjoy your day...special hugs 🤗🤗🕊..

Love and hugs..

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩🌹Grandy..

ps..if your a really good girl...and I finish 🎁 today, I'll give it to you tonight...

[demonblaster]

Grandy you couldnt post too much

When's this MUTT gunna rack OFF! Not long up and haven't cried apart from sprinkles until now I can't stop although not depressed as such so I'll be ok. Was going to give up fags today, not in this form. Just dig ya hole deeper DB thatta girl. Wanna bigger spade

Grandy I'm fed up with everything! Didnt go, procrastinated a lot if that counts. Some times just wanna not be around people.

Slept well, awake couple times got back sleep. Going to walk a lot today.

Could be mixed lovey. IT] xx doesnt like losing. I've had enough! Damn it! Not angry just want it to leave me alone. 😭

L👀👀king forward to pressy. Thank you 🤗 for everything. Grandy maybe these tears need out I mean they do but stress outing. 😂 you saying yours would stop the drought

And I didnt give a thought to my shoulder nerve stuff or syrinx so I'm with you tch tch tch. Was neat tho.

Right had my 😭 going to try and cheer the hell up ☺and work on getting better. 😆 you crack me up.

Yes might beach walk too. Wanna cook soups today and do a jobby been wanting to for ages. New group helping with motivation too.

So far apart from yesterdays mini mania its been up then downs which it use to be. Thanks explaining.

Yesday didnt take sleeper is what I meant. just gotta get strength back from this then. stop my last pill.

I'll pull up. A way to look at this is especially this episodes practise. Very tempted to stay in bed all day.

Love you Grandy 🤗💜💑 so hope your days a better one. You SO deserve 🙄

We can make it a better day 🕊

[Ggrand]

Dearest Deebi,

Awe honey let it all out, it's a release of our pain...

sometimes it's good to be on your own, but please don't let it get to where it turns around that you don't want any company at any time..Your Good with people, they pull you up...But it's okay to not go as well..Your really fighting this hard and I'm so very proud of you..You haven't cocooned yourself this time..would have been worse if you did..

Yummy soup, what kind you making Deebi, can I come for dinner..pweease 😁...

You will pull up lovely lady because I am giving you some of my savings..

1. 🔥 some fire, To show 👿 Beasty who the boss of your life...you are sweet Deebi..
2. 🌋a volcano...The power and the energy of this volcano is going into you soul to give you the power to come out on top..
3. 🌈 Hope...Never ever and ever give on on hope, This is a very powerful thought..
4. 🌟 Belief...that you can and will beat 👿 And be happy, there always something around the corner Deebi and it's good..😁.
5. 💜 my love...love is the strongest emotion we can have and I have heaps of it to give you..💜..
6. 🕊 Peace so that after you use that 🏸 and use 👿as the 🎾..and send him to a deserted 🏝, you will have a wonderful peaceful life..🌹💜🕊..

Don't you let beasty win..Deebi, Please be okay always...I need you in my life, because I want you in my life and I love you in my life....🦄🌹👼💜🕊..

Okay Deebi, ill be over 🚜 yours tonight..🤗 Awe if that's okay..weely and truely want some hot soup🍵, and 👀 at our beautiful constellation that you have given me and our other lovlies...At campfire ♨️ Night we can look at the stars all together with all the special lovely friends..

You got the strength. 💪 Deebi, to win this especially with your determination 😚..you can and will win..🏆🏅🥇..

Love you Deebi, I hope your day has been improving since this morning...

We will make it a better day..🕊 🤗😚..

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩🌹Grandy🕊👼

[demonblaster]

You're so sweet Grandy

Thank you for being so kind and loving and for your beautiful other post at yours. I read it a few times.

I'm so worn out darl wss goin to sleep and played for hrs a bubble shooter game.

Love what you said always you're a gem 🤗😚

I'm so sick of this bs but ok thanks.

Love you hun 💜💑🌹🕊🦄✨

[demonblaster]

Oh sorry lovey you're welcome very welcome anytime you want.

Chicken split pea its yum. We use to do it often. Darling mastered it. Got Pumpkins to do too.

Rug up hun wow chilly where you are. My place a bit warmer ☺🌹

[Ggrand]

Hello Deebi,,

Awe sweetheart, I'm so really sorry that the beast is not letting go of you..Geez I wish he would leave you alone...

Deebi....Truth please...Are you okay or are you just saying that to make me not worry as much...Twice now you have said..sick of this bs, but okay?..??

Chicken split pea sounds nice and tummy warming, thank you sweet Deebi. I'm pleased that your cooking healthy food, I love Pea and Ham soup, but I can't find the bacon bones out here...no specialty shops at all, only Coles and Woolworths...

After you eat,I'll wash up while you go to bed and just lay down and relax, sink into your mattress and 1000, 997, 994,991 etc...

My words are stuck Deebi..I don't like it when my words get jumbled up...I think I'll go to bed very soon probably wake up midnight but that's okay...Thank you for caring Deebi, I'll certainly rug up tonight,best place to be is under a warm doona with my 12.7 sec blanky on top...

I so much hope that tomorrow you wake up tomorrow without the tears and sadness honey...

We gotta shooo shooo choof it off...

We can beat this Deebi, we can have peace.🕊..

L🌹O🦄V👼E Y🕊O👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩U...

Your second present is 🛴, a little golden magical scooter no bigger then your average charm.which goes on the golden chain with your golden 🦄...The little golden magical scooter can take you anywhere you want to go in a sec..you hold it by the little handle bars, and say Grandys place and the scooter grows to normal size and takes you to mine...but you got to hold on tight because it's super super fast...vrrroooommmm..🛴💨🔥..with fire coming out the back of the wheels...You can use it to visit any of your lovely friends, gets you there fast..

Good Night Deebi, Wishing you all the peace and light that fit into your heart and soul, you so deserve a lot...

Big super 🤗 🤗, for all the lovely people who's reading this..

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩🌹Grandy👼💜.

[demonblaster]

Dear Grandy, hi any others ☺

Before I start please know I SO appreciate & absolutely LOVE your posts. Know I love you and so very much appreciate your time and effort. Deleted a heap I'll say it in a different way sometime 😚🤗 Thank you so much ☺

It's SO hard Grandy 😢 I know it's early days Learning & applying coping mechanisms. I achieved majors this episode. Pulled through. Physically took every slither of strength to but I did! It's like it's possessed, just has to keep going. I need to turn that determination into my favor. I mean it Grandy there is a place beyond hell 👹Hate that emoji but it's exact.That part hasn't returned, this is different I guess a lighter aftermath 😈 hard but not as powerful. The reduced energy to be able to think clearly remember and have the will to apply strategies. My resolves stronger but not fully there yet.This time only fleeting thoughts but no desire to give up just not good. Ok is saying I'll get through and not in danger zone giving up. Thanks G.. really 🤗

Helps knowing majority of times I come back happy. So often now those times aren't for very long.

You're very caring 🤗 The bubble game helped me yesterday. Slept well except waking a few times then back sleep. Coming good slowly. BP = Heaven ⛅ with a devils 👿pricetag.

😀 Ahh LOVEN my gift, thank you so much it's gorgeous. Gold too and 😲 faster again! 😅 🔥out the back of the tyres. HOLD ON 👩‍🚀 reinforced my helmet & body suit. Helmet hair 😨 No more 🤕 for me lol. You ARE an angel. Many thanks I'll take wheely good care of it 🤗 pwoomise 😊

Hope you're feeling better today hun and not too chilly 😓 icicle teardrop. Keep blanky on won't you, you can even bath in it, it's 💦 proof

Your souls pure Grandy 💜💑🕊