Surviving: Being in a better place

[demonblaster]

Hi all 🙂
Thought this thread might be of use to talk about your stories if you like and where you're at now.
In a better place.

I have Bipolar, (BP) pretty sure all my life. Wasn't diagnosed, I approached them thinking I have this at age 46.
The ups (mania) are magic, ying and yang (opposites) evident with BP & in many other ways.
The downs, crippling. Still ..but I'm DETERMINED to beat them with time & effort and professional help.One of the psychiatrists said it can't be beaten, I say cause it maybe hasn't been done, doesn't mean it can't be.
Have come an incredibly long way so far.
Long way to go probs but HAS to be sooner rather than later, else this mother of a demon will get me, I live in fear of going under the line again which majority of the time the head goes South but looking back at those times knowing I got through & that it's not always like that helps.
SO many good times, happy times between.

The cycles have gone from Rapid cycling (4 or more a yr) to 8/10 a yr since the loss of my beloved partner of 28yrs to leukaemia.

My teens starting at 14yrs I attempted suicide 4 times.
You're in hell considering, contemplating & ultimately attempting suicide, we're going against our strongest basic instinct. Survival.

Wanted OUT, couldn't see anything but Black in my head, no light, no way out, no other choice, the depression beast had me engulfed as it does most of the time in cycles now too.
Rock bottom. The pits.

I've learnt a lot one thing is it doesn't stay this way.
Sleep's vital. We don't get a lot or quality when down, it affects how we feel usually in a negative way.
Life's so much harder when we're tired and exhausted, we see feel & react to things differently
That part of our brain that works at pulling us down, I think with everyone, not only mental illness or disorders

Self esteem rock bottom, still working at it, it's true we have to like/love ourselves works as a shield.
Great loving good parents lucky

If I'd known in suicide yrs I'd meet a beautiful loving partner and have so much love from family, friends and happiness between the downs, I wouldn't have attempted.

BP downs equate to heavy grieving alone without it on top.It slammed but now I'm looking back and Yes still hurts, always will but we owe it to ourselves to keep going. We don't know whats ahead and nothing stays the same.

I know that now.

[Ggrand]

Hello Deebi,

I can hear so much frustration in your post..Can I make a very gentle suggestion? Okay I know you would have said yes, 😁..Please try as much as you can be to have patients with what your learning it might take a few goes to accomplish what you want to, with your determination you will..I know you will but please while your determined to do this please be very gentle with yourself👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩💜..

Thank you very much for letting me know how your feeling...The fleeting thoughts I know about so well, just keep letting go pass you, please...Don't think or dwell on them..Your happies will come back, you will get passed this...you have to...You have before and will again..

The bubble shooting game...😂 I have also played that for hours and when I went to bed and closed my 👀 all I saw was bubbles 😂,. Maybe I will try that again...I like to play ancient ball shooter and woka woka marble shooter...

Please be okay Deebi, I know how hard it is but I know you can do it honey,,please believe me and believe in yourself that you are stronger then beasty, ..

Love you very much Deebi..

hello lovely people here..

Love and hugs to those who want them..💜🤗.

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩🌹Grandy🌹🕊..

[demonblaster]

Thanks Grandy. Didn't wake well but improving. This I can handle. Don't know if it's same for everyone but I think cause I get distracted very easily, a royal pain at times good too because it can change the mood. Distraction is a great tool. Was reading back a bit on yours Pauls love yourself and some of here. I need to be careful for now anyway with what I read. Still tender.

Need to sleep again sometime & to push through and walk. Get that 15mins sun heard you saying for our bodies. I have no doubt, the suns very powerful in many good ways for us.

Sleep more important so if I dont walk not a biggy but.. 😆 NO.. have to. Opposite to what IT wants. We'll see

No probs re ♨️ I'm nowhere near ready. Ideas for a while & got started in mania then read back 🤐 It's WORDING stuff does my head in but it is helping cause fantasy apart from being fun it makes ya think outside the circle opening the mind and for expressing. Want it to be🦄.

Do you think I should reluctantly talk less about my friend. A few reasons I'd like to discuss but don't want to seem argumentative. If so I'll stick to the suttle way, IT's a compromise. I know I go on about things in this case with good reasons but not if it's annoying or upsetting people.

Strength G, I know I've got it & determination but not enough yet. Well enough to get by for now. In the deepest it goes out the window. If I hadn't pulled out I would've gone back there. For now it's enough just. I try to think of more reasons. It's the walls darl btw from why not you're right walls need to be down OUCH but to free ourselves eh and move through to better. I can do this, have to but not 100% sure why yet. I'm ok lovey honestly. Just saying how it is. Pammy worded it very well in ? Pauls love yourself re suit of armour. I said the other day to psych we build walls along the way.

I know this isn't an overnight fix it's just so frightening how deep it goes. It's so consuming and dark. Maybe the fact I'm not acting on it is something I should explore. Why not? I don't mean I'm going to work out why I should lol. I've always known that's the easy way out (it's not though by a long shot)

Thanks for listening and your help. Everyone 🤗

💜💑🕊 love lady ☺

[Ggrand]

Hello Deebi,

How is the special, kind, gentle, compassionate, cute, gentle, beautiful, adorable, lovely, strong, courageous and very sweet Deebi feeling this afternoon? .. I really hope you continued to improve throughout the day.

I can distract my Deebi, but I also seem to get bored with things after a few minutes, some games I can play for an hour or so...I hope you slept a bit more this afternoon and you managed to go for your walk...I know you enjoy them and sometimes they are a release for your tears...How is your 👣 feeling.

I think so to Deebi, later for ♨️, Maybe when it warms up a bit, poor sweetheart 💜, I wish you were okay..it's so unfair isn't it. .We will get there Deebi..we can win this battle...

Deebi, I think it's okay to talk about your friend if you want to,you need to feel comfortable about things that have happened, I have a good ear if ever you to off load about anything or everything at any time day or night I'm always here for you...

You have loads of strength Deebi, and determination is that the same as stubbornness? you pulled out honey from the darkness the other day, I'm so released to hear that.. reasons are everywhere Deebi, your friends, they need you, I need your, your mil needs you, special needs tt needs you, BB needs you, your friends here need you, We all absolutely adore and love you..pull your walls down, let the beasty out then put these reasons in then close up those walls again...Your so very much loved here Deebi...I feel so close to you here moreso then any other friend I ever had...💚💜..Draw some of our strength to you Deebi, draw it from us..we have plenty to give you...and love giving it to you, because we draw from your strength at times...

Awe honey I know it's not over Night, gee I wish it was.. The depths are so very frightening Deebi, and worse is we know there coming and can't stop us from going there..each episode...but there has to be a way....Please Deebi, Dont explore why your not acting on it!!! You can't do that, there's reason why, Focus on the fact that your so very much well loved here and r/l and how utter devastation it would cause to those who love you...I know your a lot stronger then beasty, and beasty wants you to explore the reason why not, then he will trap you Deebi, please , please Deebi, stay away from all this..😢..

Please be better then okay Deebi..

Huggly Huggle hugs tonight sweet Deebi, 🤗🤗..

Very much love and cuddles..🤗💜🌹...🕊 Peace Deebi..

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩🌹Grandy,👼🕊

[Ggrand]

Oops Deebi, soo many spelling mistakes I made, some of it doesn't even make sense..😢 So very sorry..

Grandy..

[demonblaster]

(( x )) Tears. Good ones.You move me.. often.You're so kind and such a good friend. Thank you Grandy. Friends rl say I can talk to them but I can't well do but don't. Sigh this is going to turn into another book. Said to brother the other day about thoughts, although I think I prepped him a bit but maybe shouldn't have.

Got a headache think too much bending the head playing Bubbles again. It doesn't solve but a great distraction, have to be careful for it not to turn into an obsession. Usually come and go on games so should be ok. If I can distract with something constructive like drawing would be the better.

I think when I can get through motivation walls the rest will be easier. Stubborn yes I imagine they're related. It could subconsciously be part of the problem and the imbalance/s. Be lovely if it was easy to let go of pain in the past. I've made tinsy progress over the yrs.
BP gift with a devils price tag I meant before.

I'm starting to try and turn negatives to work for not against. Stubborn can save us but it can destroy us too. Seen both nursing. The power of the mind is phenomenal. Untapped for many

No you might be right there, I won't and know some reasons as you've said above. It's just sometimes Grandy it goes below those reasons but at least I haven't thought to act on it. That was a major breakthrough pulling out. Wish I could remember what the hell I did. It'll come back (how) later some time. I'll just wait till I'm not so tired.

MH tomoz. Really liking it.

Oh didn't sleep yesterday I don't think or today. Walked beach. Wanted to cry but privately. Haven't as much at all this one for a change.

Bit better than so/so thanks lovey, it's still holding on but I can get through this part ok. Very tired still. If I don't sleep when I can it takes longer and harder to recover from beasty. Nearly got anxiety in BP under control. Reached a point of calm mentally and the breathing helps no end. I Like what Pammy said about it triggering a mechanism to avoid adrenalin release. I'll have to re read again but that's the gist.

I go both ways I either love something and do it for mths yrs or wander off and do several things at once when/if I'm doing something.

How are you travelling darl?

Take good care sweety Grandy. (( L&C ))

[Ggrand]

Good Night Dearst Deebi,

Im just calling in because I know your feeling down and I wanted to say good night to my special friend...

I sighed a big release when you said you would not explore the why's...That was a huge relief Deebi, I don't trust beasty, it loves to trap us then booooom it's got us....

Your very tired so I won't talk much, you need to try and have a good sleep...

I want to wish you a good day tomorrow with mh group..I know you like to go there . I hope you enjoy yourself and get some type of help or peace out of tomorrow's group talk..

I have darts tomorrow. Why don't I have any joy or happies or even a little bit of feel good instead of ...feeling nothing but emptiness from within me? .big sigh..

Keep breathing The excersise honey, they do help..I like the counting backwards, thank you very much for that...

Im going to bed soon it's starting to get icy and I can't feel my feet very much.. Have a great day tomorrow honey..love you heaps.💜🌹🕊.

Nitey nites Everyone....hugs 🤗🤗 and 🕊 Peace ..

Grandy..

[demonblaster]

Good night sweety Grandy 🤗

Thanks lovey. I might not go tomoz as much as I do get a lot from it I have the books I need to read more of, we work from random parts of them so it won't be like I'll miss too much and soo tired had a second med for headache too.

Awful feeling that way Grandy not getting enjoyment. So glad you're still going when you can. I imagine you'd get more pleasure if the snooties were civil to you. Are you baking a cake not that they deserve your kind and thoughfulness but Mrs Nice does. Wouldn't like if she wasn't there at least she treats you with the respect you deserve sounds like she's her own person.

Maybe when they work out your meds things will pick up for you. Have you stopped them yet?

Hun other reasons too but I don't always go to your thread because you might feel obliged to reply I feel but if you want me to I'm happy to go daily, love our time whether supporting mucking or just being there. Don't for a second think I don't want or love seeing you here ok Grandy I mean it.

Again you had me cracking up at our lovely Mandys with the thermometer, should have heard the laughing. Poor darling.

There's a pair of instantly warm on contact bed socks on the end of your bed sweety, they didn't take long at all. Made them one handed while I was talking to you here before. Dropped them off with 🛴 vroooom, should have seen people doing a double take, all they saw was the smokin tyres 🔥 😲 but oh yeah they heard her. Turbo Annie or what, too scared to let go and 👋 let alone move my head to nod 😄

Good day for us tomoz lovey. We could 👀 tomoz in your 💼 for our happy beans

Night sweety 🤗😚

Nigh night good people 🐧

[Peppermintbach]

Hi DB (and all),

I’m glad that you seem to be gradually getting on top of/ managing your mood. The lows and mania must be very draining...

The headache and exhaustion sounds awful...it sounds like you might need some more rest. So maybe it’s a good idea to give your MH group a miss today.

Thanks for the lovely things you said to me in an earlier post 🙂 As I’ve said, I feel your posts are great and that maybe you’re just being a little hard on yourself. I believe in you, DB...

Thank you again for the heartfelt and loving post you left on my thread. I’ve read your latest one multiple times...yours too, Grandy. You’re 2 wonderful angels 👼

Super soul hugs and much love,

Pepstar xoxo

[Ggrand]

Good Morning Deebi,

How are you today,? I hope your not to down sweetheart, I just thought to wish you a lovely day, whether or not you go to mh group or not...Thank you so much for those bed socks last night it was so cold..I heard it hit minus 5 again...

Im going to darts soon, I want a shower so much to warm up but oh no 🤦‍♀️ again the water pipes are frozen...I have drinking water because I either buy it or take containers in to town when I go to Vinnies and fill them at a park...The town water here is full of lime the council says it's drinking safe but????.

Please enjoy your day Deebi and everyone else, speak later...Love and hugs 🤗

Grandy..

[demonblaster]

Hey lovely Peps, Grandy and any readers

Yes hun it is incredibly draining just going through both sides let alone the lost sleep. This was a shorter mania, less than a wk I think and was hoping the downs would be easier and catching up sleep quicker both nopes but use to it, not loven it though. Actually the deeps were in the Black without too much bad thoughts but beyond dark.

You're welcome lovey speaking truth. Glad you've read it a few times, hope you can find a way of believing at least some of it.

Thanks for what you said re my posts. Easier to talk to you loves I know, rl easier/not depending on individuals.

🎁something to look forward to. No peeky boos ok, it's empty atm 😆

Supers 🤗 back atcha lovey ☺