Surviving: Being in a better place

[demonblaster]

Hi all 🙂
Thought this thread might be of use to talk about your stories if you like and where you're at now.
In a better place.

I have Bipolar, (BP) pretty sure all my life. Wasn't diagnosed, I approached them thinking I have this at age 46.
The ups (mania) are magic, ying and yang (opposites) evident with BP & in many other ways.
The downs, crippling. Still ..but I'm DETERMINED to beat them with time & effort and professional help.One of the psychiatrists said it can't be beaten, I say cause it maybe hasn't been done, doesn't mean it can't be.
Have come an incredibly long way so far.
Long way to go probs but HAS to be sooner rather than later, else this mother of a demon will get me, I live in fear of going under the line again which majority of the time the head goes South but looking back at those times knowing I got through & that it's not always like that helps.
SO many good times, happy times between.

The cycles have gone from Rapid cycling (4 or more a yr) to 8/10 a yr since the loss of my beloved partner of 28yrs to leukaemia.

My teens starting at 14yrs I attempted suicide 4 times.
You're in hell considering, contemplating & ultimately attempting suicide, we're going against our strongest basic instinct. Survival.

Wanted OUT, couldn't see anything but Black in my head, no light, no way out, no other choice, the depression beast had me engulfed as it does most of the time in cycles now too.
Rock bottom. The pits.

I've learnt a lot one thing is it doesn't stay this way.
Sleep's vital. We don't get a lot or quality when down, it affects how we feel usually in a negative way.
Life's so much harder when we're tired and exhausted, we see feel & react to things differently
That part of our brain that works at pulling us down, I think with everyone, not only mental illness or disorders

Self esteem rock bottom, still working at it, it's true we have to like/love ourselves works as a shield.
Great loving good parents lucky

If I'd known in suicide yrs I'd meet a beautiful loving partner and have so much love from family, friends and happiness between the downs, I wouldn't have attempted.

BP downs equate to heavy grieving alone without it on top.It slammed but now I'm looking back and Yes still hurts, always will but we owe it to ourselves to keep going. We don't know whats ahead and nothing stays the same.

I know that now.

[Ggrand]

Hello sweet Deebi,

Awe honey are you okay?..

I have this feeling your not doing to well.

Im sitting with you, holding your hand, ready to listen 👂 and have my cloud ☁️ towel ready..

love you🌹💜.

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy.

[Ggrand]

Good Night Deebi,

I found this hot air ballon today, it's balloon part is purple and yellow and has a print on it of teeny weeny purple flowers and the whole balloon is covered in highly colourful glitter.. The basket is made of bamboo, but inside it's a luxurious bright pink plush velvet, with the softest padding inside that when you sit down you feel like you are wrapped up in the softest clouds ever....oh yeah and three little kitties are printed on the velvet..Okay we have to say the magic words to start floating up high.....iggidiwiddily, kiddipiley Doo..lol...wow I shocked me with that one..😂🙃

We're going straight up ..over the clouds......over the stars....through the galaxy....Yippiddie Doo da..onto a planet...let's get out Deebi and explore it....

We walk towards the bright purple grassy hills, with big brown, orange, flowers all over it...You love the flowers so much that you touch one....ohh it moves...out pops a teeny weeny kitty Kat, awe honey the puddy is. Limping all over you, you touch another and another, youbtouch all of them....must be 50 little puddy tats climbing all over you, you can't stop giggling, you love them..You throw a ball from my 💼..it comes every where with me..they chase the ball..lol tumbling all over the place, upside down, rolling around, sideways, everyway a cat can manage to fall they are...you play for hours, your sonhappy...but the puddy tats all fall asleep..we leave them sleep.

We walk towards the Fluro pink mountain, with bright blue water..we go to get in, but we can only walk on it, it feels like plastic bouncy stuff, we start jumping, when all of a sudden...whoosh..the cover breaks and we're sitting in the water, warm relaxing water, ahhh..the water is warm and relaxing, we just lay there talking and relaxing, Whats that..lol look Deebi, those little birds are coming to us..Some stand on our heads, others sit in the tree, the ones in the tree start singing, while the ones on our heads start dancing, Feels like the best head/shoulder massage ever..your feeling so relaxed when all the little puddy tats come and lay with you, keeping you so snuggly relaxed that you fall asleep a deep sleep..Dreams are beautiful dreams of your finest desires...I'll sit next to you honey, hold your hand and ..wait... 💼 Time..now...the..where is it...ahh the cloud blanket..I cover you with it, then wrap my angel Wing around you so no one or nothing can ever hurt you ever..

Love you Deebi🦄..Sleep well..

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy🌹..

[demonblaster]

Hi dear friend 🤗

Thankyou so much for the beautiful lifting things you say they and for the ⚘It's gorgeous, it's in the most darling not sure if crystal, dainty perfect vase for a single flower I'll think of you apart from other times often when I look at that 💕 😊

Well 😆 (how to delete that laugh) there's an oops with your peppercorns, haha they scatter don't they ☺ and my what a nice 🔥soup as you said lol might burn your rotten cold away, each mouthful would be 🤤😁 Hope you're feeling better there's several over the counter, I find ones that clear the runny/blocked nose help a lot.

Made you a calming Chammomile tea and a yum home made 🍫 buscuit, what's your fave tea again? And your fave colour

Must pop back into Doolsys sleep thread & want to read more on your grounding one too. Hope you get more 💤 and the🚶‍♀️ that's ok if you don't all the time, the plus is that you're so brave and doing it, so proud of you.

Thanks reminder I have a slow cooker.Been cooking more lately, healthy too and settling on binge eating yikes, one reason I think the body was starving for energy from exhaustion as you'd experience and others too. Pits

You're such a loving caring friend, few struggles yesterday but pulled up & again went back to bed and slept pretty much all day, good last night bar an hr or so read stuff here and got back to sleep so nearly fully caught up

Ohh just love our 🦄 balloon trip how 😆 your fantasy trips make me ohh the glitter & kittens ohhh come ere ya little cuteys come on no I'm not letting you go..oh ok ..so your little teeth are sharper than they look...come back for cuddles though, ohh and they did and your wing geez you give me comfort Grandy, I know you do care and I for you so much, I wish peace and happiness in your life you're amazing, so happy we met, what a beautiful friendship 💗 You're VERY good at those Grandy ✔and it opening up Wow! added to my growing collection

🤹‍♀️ yes watering and can't believe that Weet bix are working for our happy bean tree as well, well who would have thought

🌹Thank you Grandy, no words are enough

😚🤗💜👀

[Guest8901]

Hi Deebs, lovely to see you. Oh and Karen, I have been on a real life hot air balloon ride. Loved it! Your story brought back some happy memories.

Deebs, please know I care, even when I'm quieter than usual I'm still watching reading and loving.

Amanda

[smallwolf]

demonblaster,

Sitting here with you. Not sure what I can really say at the moment that might lift you.

Pepper made some good comments about writing. I would add that the written communications are easy to misunderstand. When actually talking to someone else you also have visual clues, unless you are talking to someone over the phone. And if you are really feeling down as your latest post seems to indicate, you might want to call one of the service numbers or someone at BeyondBlue?

You might not remember this or think this, but you were the very first person to respond to me when I came here, and made me feel welcome. Sending calming thoughts and peace to you.

Smallwolf

[demonblaster]

Dear Sapphire how lovely to see you thanks for popping in it really does mean a lot & esp that I know it's hard for you, another pat on your back friend you deserve it 🤗

I almost always read threads that I'm involved in and yours is definately one I'm interested to keep up with how you're doing, sorry I thought I'd replied to you here but hadn't but here now 🙂

It IS so satisfying getting tasks done, I have soo far to go with that but very slowly I'm starting to learn to crack on and I mean unfortunately slowwwly I admire people that do things ditto for me lazy and depression I think. Chocolate rewards happen oops to often 😅 and they're just because lol

I don't think you were rambling at all actually it was nice hearing you chat ☺

Desiderata it just blows me away everytime I read it, I've rarely heard so much wisdom from one person, the depth understanding and balance that great man figured out, I'd say the other person in my life that seems to have that is Starwolf that you may not have met, amazing lady with such a big heart I have strong love and appreciation for her too. My brother who I deeply love first yrs ago played it to me and it was Les Cranes voice I love that version and the build up to..

"You are a child of the Universe, no less than the trees and stars..you have a right to be here"

A close friend and I used to recite it in my room in the nurses home and I have it on my wall. So glad you like it. I think our gorgeous Birdy said it was Max Erhmann and heard again and some info thanks dear friend x

Sapphire there's something about your name and cobalt the colours you love they have such an impact I don't know how to explain.

Take care lovey ☺💙🤗

[demonblaster]

Dear SLD (Starts) 🤗 I'll always feel a close bond to you and never stop caring deeply for you. Thank you for always being close by 😚

Chloe: Hi back ☺ welcome and thank you for calling in, nice to see you darl. I read your thread and progress and was going to say pretty much exactly what Smallwolf said about seeing your Mums point of view and yours too but my head wasn't in the right space so know I'm also very happy to see your hard work and clearly passion paying off, you look like you have a great future ahead. Well done hun, I thumb but we don't know who does ☺

My dear Mandy darling thank you that's so nice and very comforting knowing you read and keep an 👁on me 😊 absolutely the same here I feel guilty not going in and supporting people I care so much about enough but am learning here to back off attempting posts in my dark times, god knows there's a lot but eventually I'll get the swing of quickies and letting youse know I'm still there with you which I am darl, you are an amazing lovable lady and so strong and supportive you deserve that boucquet and so much more 🤗

Wolfy thanks so much for popping in and the info too on Desiderata actually you've indirectly inspired me to do something I've been wanting to do for yrs, today I'm going to write it out in my Old English text I love calligraphy (latern for beautiful writing) and self taught with a little touch of my own style in it.

Thank you I really mean this when people say they're sitting with me, holding my hand or hugging it really goes deep. Ms pathetic at your service 🙂 I also find that very comforting and for saying what you did about me being the first there for you I'm glad, some one very close to my heart did the same so I know I think how you feel. I feel a bond with you and as mentioned to Mandy I always read your thread and honestly don't feel I give you much or enough support but I need to stop here for now 😢 cause I'm going for a walk and would prefer to cry indoors than out but coming back to talk to you and my other beautiful people who care and support me 💖

Good news tho I'm starting to understand things and how to work through I hope anyway but feel at cross roads I guess atm

From deep thank you 🌱

[Ggrand]

Hello Deebi🦄..

Thank you for your kind words to me, you really are my special Deebi, beautiful, lovely, kind, gentle..

Awe Deebi, I want to answer your post to me sooo much, but I'm really 😷 with this cold...I'm getting the feeling of being hot, then I shiver, I feel cold, I can't take the common cold medication they don't agree with my other meds for heart..Codral etc..speeds the heart up, to work..I'm on meds to slow mine down.. I'll give it another few days..and hope it settles a bit...Then if not I'll try to get to the Drs.

Deebi, honey, I'm off to try and get some sleep..Good Night🦄🕊..I hope you sleep good, and tomorrow will be a nice bright sunny day inside your beautiful heart..

Love you Deebi 🦄💜.

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy🌹

[demonblaster]

Beautiful people

Grandy darling I've tucked you in at your place just snuck over to grab my gear I'm staying at yours to look after you. You're never alone beautiful lady 🤗 love you ☺

I didn't do my old English but one day yes! Left home for a walk at about 2.30ish got home just on dark, went to the pub for a water I don't like going to pubs alone but occasionally do to help build more confidence and usually see people I know which I saw a couple spent about an hr and half and a couple of their friends turned up it was good, walked furthur got talking to young bloke a chef at a newly renovated restaurant had a look around and a lovely chat for about 40mins nice fella walked furthur saw a youngy, the one I was talking about we walked the beach and bit of bush was good too, I'm going to just wait listen and see with him kinda big sis I think. My eyes are open he's kinda latched on that's ok just watching for now.

I'm at a turning point in my life, I'm learning so much here, the jigsaws in pieces but starting to mesh. I HAVE to get my head straight, I'm not down as such but all that today was good but didn't bring on my happies..turning point. For now I need to sort myself and yes "do"

I've started re connecting texts,calls will be staying over at family/friends, meeting up with more friends and meeting more people.

Cooked two lots today for some meals and been eating healthier including a la chocolate 😍

So might take 2 days/wks/mths but it's now I have to sort myself these dark times are herrendous and too bloody long and often, thoughts are frequent in downs so nows the time I'm going to get my 🔥back, its been a hard 2/3 mths with physical and MH, been great times too but the past 4 yrs have been heavy physically and mentally. That's ok getting through

I'm on the final outskirts of heavy grieving, and learning to live with yourselfs a major in itself let alone without my darling love. I've realised that I am a lot stronger than I ever thought but it all takes time. Just gotta get my resolve back and will. Have to

So here's to new beginnings 🌱

Thank you good people 💗

I'm not leaving or neglecting anyone just need to sort myself, still be here 🤗

Love you Grandy 🌹💜 hope you feel better tomoz with luck the colds breaking with the sweats you poor thing. I'm with you ⚘🐥

[startingnew]

Always here for you SL even when im abit quiet ❤❤❤❤