Surviving: Being in a better place

demonblaster
Blue Voices Member

Hi all 🙂
Thought this thread might be of use to talk about your stories if you like and where you're at now.
In a better place.

I have Bipolar, (BP) pretty sure all my life. Wasn't diagnosed, I approached them thinking I have this at age 46.
The ups (mania) are magic, ying and yang (opposites) evident with BP & in many other ways.
The downs, crippling. Still ..but I'm DETERMINED to beat them with time & effort and professional help.One of the psychiatrists said it can't be beaten, I say cause it maybe hasn't been done, doesn't mean it can't be.
Have come an incredibly long way so far.
Long way to go probs but HAS to be sooner rather than later, else this mother of a demon will get me, I live in fear of going under the line again which majority of the time the head goes South but looking back at those times knowing I got through & that it's not always like that helps.
SO many good times, happy times between.

The cycles have gone from Rapid cycling (4 or more a yr) to 8/10 a yr since the loss of my beloved partner of 28yrs to leukaemia.

My teens starting at 14yrs I attempted suicide 4 times.
You're in hell considering, contemplating & ultimately attempting suicide, we're going against our strongest basic instinct. Survival.

Wanted OUT, couldn't see anything but Black in my head, no light, no way out, no other choice, the depression beast had me engulfed as it does most of the time in cycles now too.
Rock bottom. The pits.

I've learnt a lot one thing is it doesn't stay this way.
Sleep's vital. We don't get a lot or quality when down, it affects how we feel usually in a negative way.
Life's so much harder when we're tired and exhausted, we see feel & react to things differently
That part of our brain that works at pulling us down, I think with everyone, not only mental illness or disorders

Self esteem rock bottom, still working at it, it's true we have to like/love ourselves works as a shield.
Great loving good parents lucky

If I'd known in suicide yrs I'd meet a beautiful loving partner and have so much love from family, friends and happiness between the downs, I wouldn't have attempted.

BP downs equate to heavy grieving alone without it on top.It slammed but now I'm looking back and Yes still hurts, always will but we owe it to ourselves to keep going. We don't know whats ahead and nothing stays the same.

I know that now.

 

4,867 Replies 4,867

Ggrand
Community Champion

Dear lovely Deebi,

Your post just arrived, I'm so very sorry honey, hang in there, hurts big I know but please don't let it take you down.

Did your friends comfort you? Triggers are really hard to stop the emotions from coming full on..🤗🤗. I know this is hard to do honey, but try as hard as you can to to look around, focus on something, feel, look, study it honey.

. Do you have a special grounding box or comfort box prepared for you to use for distraction or grounding. I started a grounding thread here a week ago if you want to check it out. No pressure only if you want to.

Im still here, and I got you honey, holding you tight I won't let go, put your head on my shoulder, let your tears flow, stay as long as you want, I have all the time in the world for you, I'm not going anywhere. I'm just going to sit here with you for a while, if that's ok.

I just made a cuppa tea and I'm taking you outside now to sit and watch the stars, I count them sometimes to distract me, but mostly the stars bring me to tears. Quite a few times when I was locked out, I would lay on the banana chair out back grab a old blanket I learnt to keep outside, then look up at stars they made me cry because the universe is large and I was trapped in this tiny little bit of hell, with no escape...then sometimes the stars would hypnotise me and I'd fall asleep, They were/are my escape from reality, I usually sit outside when I'm down, sometimes they can trigger me if I remember to deep. So I try to look without thinking, just counting the stars.

I hope your asleep now honey..still sitting here with you..still holding you, 🛌🦋😇. You have a beautiful soul Deebi. . Sleep now, special friend...

When you wake up, listen to the birds singing, , how about a glorious sunrise, or sit in the sun to start your day with a bit of sunlight pouring into your heart, to ignite that flame Demonblaster. ..please be okay ❤️️.

❤️❤️❤️🤗🤗🤗 always.

Grandy..

Good night sweet lady..

demonblaster
Blue Voices Member

Ahhh darlin thankyou so glad you're here, yeah friend had gone back home when other one needed a couple things in supermarket is why I was in drinks isle she has a disability so I got couple things for her yeah she comforted me she was a good friend too of lates and misses him too. She lost her only son same year. Wicked. My darlings sister and friend too that yr.

What a shame you have bad mems with stars, I often think of you and my darling when I look at them.

Thanks for being here and taking me to see them, what a lovely spread.

Going back bed soon. Grandy I'm so over this 😢

Yes I'll listen to birdies and you think of your beautiful flowers aren't they lovely, trees, rainbows, nature.

Hope you're sleeping these days hun.

Thanks for comfort honey back at cha 🤗🤗🤗xxx always. Love you G lady ☺😗

Hugs SL its crap can think of other words but not allowed to use them. But we are here for you ❤💜🌻🌷🌼💙💞💕💖💛

Ggrand
Community Champion

❤️❤️❤️&🤗🤗🤗

👁👁 im watching you.

Ggrand
Community Champion

Good Morning Deebi,

I hope that you have a little extra light in your day today, then you did yesterday..

Thinking of you.

Just relax today, pamper yourself.

❤️❤️❤️&🤗🤗🤗

Grandy.

demonblaster
Blue Voices Member

BP day 28

Woke up and cried. Not good atm, had a couple of days recently was starting to lift but nah not atm. One thing helps knowing these mongrel times pass. "ARE WE bloodyTHERE YET"
Last 3 episodes "cycles" have been better than the deepest hells so AM making progress just it's still deep though. The 2nd one of these I pushed the envelope which it does anyway but used what I've learnt so far and was able to get through, this one I haven't found the strength and let myself go with the waves. Not on purpose just happened, you just can't relax with this rot.
Didn't push this one. Not sure how I'll go without here and people distraction helping in rl and here.

The friend that stayed over, I listened mostly, over the day and night, same pain different reasons, it didn't pull me down but woe what a bs life for her, she said when we went to bed sorry to be a pain, I said that's ok you needed to let it out. That's what I have to do here, I'm sorry, it's just not good atm and I can't do this to rl friends. I'm not sure where I'd turn or where I'd be if I didn't have you honeys here and BB thankyou ((( xxx))) I'd much rather be helping others than being in this place but it zero's us into ourselves.
I've got to work this crap out! and WILL, Grandy going to ask you something in a minute.Putting it here cause when I proof read (most of the time now, phew) it'll remind me.

Friend popping in today to give me a phone/s free, lucky I was talking to him about them, he fixed one but other's cactus so score. He understands this pain but still can't put it on anyone, not this depth. Don't want to down people.

Had lot of face on with friends and calls helped but not travelling well still

Arghh that'll do

Arms improving been doing small amounts of stretches gently through the pain from discs not the csf pain (hope) it's nerve stuff JAYSUS and this is mild to the initial times. Bed remains big pain no matter where I lay, trying hard not taking heavies for relief but need to walk today for MH so have to drop one, every step hurts like a mother,hurting typing, tablet it doesn't but quicker this way.

Honestly sorry to be a down lately, I'll beee bacckkkk happy again and can be here for yous all and others
Nah not forum burnout, just usual BP burnout, and thanks to you guys I realise there's times I need to not post. I do listen here and rl (real life) too but have enjoyed listening moreso here

Thankyou so much all of you. Badly still needing more catch up sleep

Ggrand
Community Champion

Hello DB,

Please NEVER be SORRY your downers...🤗❤️😢..

Let it all out Deebi, were here sitting and listening and helping if we can.. ARE WE .......THERE YET? 🖼 Soon, Deebi we will get there.... Your strong, I'm sorry you went with the Waves DB, but that happens, we will pull you out, we won't let you sink,,,,❤️&🤗....We can't stop it zeroing in on us all the time,,.....You do amazingly well stopping that from happening most times....I'm so pleased friend stayed over with you and gave you some distraction.. also another friend popping in today.

This is an amazing place Deebi, I'm sure BB, the forums , champions, VC, posters have helped countless amounts of people heal and have a better life..

Im pleased your arm is improving, but still big pain hey honey. I could understand bed hurting you as well, maybe a few Donna on top of mattress to lay on, maybe softer,,just a thought..Walking Deebi, please take it easy, if pain comes with each step. Take care of you first..don't worry about replies,. We all understand and have at times not been able to reply....

Kind and gentle thoughts Deebi.

❤️❤️❤️&🤗🤗🤗.

Grandy.

Grandy..

demonblaster
Blue Voices Member
Deeply moved x really do feel great comfort thankyou both

was fluffing around on a post and it's gone so dunno and keyboards being a bit bratty or could be I'm hitting stuff and not knowing what it is
Haven't formatted (that's put together?) so if it comes up that's where I'm at atm not sure where but not a good place

Lot of reasons to be happy, not happening, arms hurting a lot here daghhh just in a bloody hole atm, haven't been for a while in this type it's like if I don't put the brakes on soon it's going to be deepest, low enough now.

Can't do much atm I started working on what I want to ask you Grandy, WOW ...Karen... just realised something. Can't get the oomph to even think atm. Push through nah not going to, just going to be for now try and stay neurtral

Damn arm but did some gentle stretches too may have stirred it as well as here. In chair relieves it mostly.

Have a big sleep later, watch the box have some lunch
So I'll talk to you later hun about the other stuff

Really you guys don't know how much. Thankyou all of you

Maybe it's from the deepest that I'll find the fire again. No hurry , have to work on other ways don't wanna step back

demonblaster
Blue Voices Member
Ok ... no thoughts

afternoon SL

fighting is hard work, maybe you could take some comfort knowing that no matter how bad it gets youll come back up. its part of your mh cycle, until then maybe increase your self care and reconnect with the things you like such as watching your favourite movies, reading your favourite book, arts of some sort, connecting with friends and family, bake or cook your favourite recipies? just some ideas, sometimes its the simplest things that help us to regroup and pick ourselves back up

ive missed how youve hurt your arm? i do hope it gets better soon and stops causing so much pain.

sending lots of hugs and love xoxoxox