Surviving: Being in a better place

[demonblaster]

Hi all 🙂
Thought this thread might be of use to talk about your stories if you like and where you're at now.
In a better place.

I have Bipolar, (BP) pretty sure all my life. Wasn't diagnosed, I approached them thinking I have this at age 46.
The ups (mania) are magic, ying and yang (opposites) evident with BP & in many other ways.
The downs, crippling. Still ..but I'm DETERMINED to beat them with time & effort and professional help.One of the psychiatrists said it can't be beaten, I say cause it maybe hasn't been done, doesn't mean it can't be.
Have come an incredibly long way so far.
Long way to go probs but HAS to be sooner rather than later, else this mother of a demon will get me, I live in fear of going under the line again which majority of the time the head goes South but looking back at those times knowing I got through & that it's not always like that helps.
SO many good times, happy times between.

The cycles have gone from Rapid cycling (4 or more a yr) to 8/10 a yr since the loss of my beloved partner of 28yrs to leukaemia.

My teens starting at 14yrs I attempted suicide 4 times.
You're in hell considering, contemplating & ultimately attempting suicide, we're going against our strongest basic instinct. Survival.

Wanted OUT, couldn't see anything but Black in my head, no light, no way out, no other choice, the depression beast had me engulfed as it does most of the time in cycles now too.
Rock bottom. The pits.

I've learnt a lot one thing is it doesn't stay this way.
Sleep's vital. We don't get a lot or quality when down, it affects how we feel usually in a negative way.
Life's so much harder when we're tired and exhausted, we see feel & react to things differently
That part of our brain that works at pulling us down, I think with everyone, not only mental illness or disorders

Self esteem rock bottom, still working at it, it's true we have to like/love ourselves works as a shield.
Great loving good parents lucky

If I'd known in suicide yrs I'd meet a beautiful loving partner and have so much love from family, friends and happiness between the downs, I wouldn't have attempted.

BP downs equate to heavy grieving alone without it on top.It slammed but now I'm looking back and Yes still hurts, always will but we owe it to ourselves to keep going. We don't know whats ahead and nothing stays the same.

I know that now.

[Ggrand]

Hello Deebi,

You have really made this difficult for me.

(L&C). ❤️❤️❤️🤗🤗🤗

Grandy.

[demonblaster]

🤗

[demonblaster]

Are we there yet...pffttt...

Friend stayed over.. few drinks

Forgot had plans with another friend today we all had lunch, went supermarket into fizzy drink section BAM whopping trigger, so close to bursting into tears remembering a fizzy drink late love and I were liking. When I got back to friends car in carpark burst out crying. God I miss him, had good time with friends but ... crying.

Over it 💔😭😢😭😢😩

People stimulation not doing it atm

Gotta get this sooner than later. Had it! ENOUGH! This isnt what its sposed to be like

[Ggrand]

Hello DB,⭐️

I have been thinking of different ways to answer 🤔your 2 simple words that has had a huge impact on me over the 2 days.. "your all"

I said once before to someone here.Word are powerful put in the right order,

Your last post to me, gave me so many mixed emotions. I know that I am getting all screwed up in my mind because I can't accept praise or compliments. they make me feel embarrassed, ashamed and angry because I feel unworthy of anything good in my life after all I am to blame for my circumstances back then by not being strong enough to stop things from happening and the kids having a chit life and loosing one of them for 38 years . I can never get that back for them. I deserved all I got back then and all the hurt and heartache now that's coming my way...it's called Ying & Yang.

The nice words to me are coming a lot more for some reason from you/others and it's been making me cry a deep hurt, I don't know maybe out of frustration, anger, hate, I want to escape these words, my mind doesn't know how to accept or process them. If anyone calls me any thing horrible or mean, it doesn't hurt me. But nice things do..My mind is mush!!. 😢😥

I wanted to tell you no more..So badly I want to say those words to you, but I cant because I would be making you do something you don't believe in, which would then cause me guilt and eventually pull me down.. Also you threw my words back to me. "trust" yes Deebi I have trust in you and a lot respect for you and what you say to me..

This is so hard for me to say this, because I feel not good unworthy about all this. The answer to it's "Your Call" is I will leave it in your hands. You've always done right by me, I started trusting you back in October at the level crossing. I am sorry I doubted you. 😢😢.

How are you feeling today Deebi,? I really hope you are still headed towards the stars and sky, (up). and I'm hoping that your physical pain is not so painfully for you..

I still have hold of your hands and pulling you gently up until you can stand enough to take baby steps, I'm never letting you go either Deebi, my arms are wrapped a bit more tightly around you because I also need a careing hug. Love you deeply Deebi, I missed sitting with you last night, just allways remember that I love and care so much for you..🤗

Deebi, I'm so glad we met, ( yes the tears are falling now), you will never ever know how much you mean to me..,

(L&C). ❤️❤️❤️🤗🤗🤗

Grandy.

[demonblaster]

Thankyou so much sweetheart xx think highly of you, you're so lovely so much care and support. Really appreciate you 🤗

Just just atm 😣

[demonblaster]

You'll never know what you mean to me either Grandy

Keep your arms around me hun head on your shoulder holding your hand. Not doing well atm. This is usual for BP Grandy Ive had a gut full hun, not forum burnout just typical rot everytime, goin bed again soon.

Other post not through yet.

Level crossing?

Deep love darl xx

How you today? Hate you struggling I'm not letting you go either. Need you 🤗

[Ggrand]

Hello Deebi,

Please go to sleep honey. Look after yourself.

Speak later when your better. ⭐️

Please don't worry about me I'm ok.

❤️❤️❤️&🤗🤗🤗

Grandy..

[Guest8901]

Hi Deebs, just read that you're not doing well at the moment. So sorry to hear that. I just wanted to say how I totally admire how you and Karen have such a lovely understanding between you, and support each other so well. You are both so lucky to have each other, always there, no matter what.

I just realised that I have not yet responded to your beautiful post to me on 15th Feb. My apologies, as I have been selfishly wrapped up in my own issues since then. So I will attempt to address your post now.

Thanks so much for all those nice things you've said of me. I think I'm a little like Karen, in that I have great difficulty accepting compliments or nice things that people say to or about me. Accepting and believing put downs and criticisms comes much more naturally to me too. So the nice things people often say here on the forums takes some getting used to. I can definitely return the compliment Deebs that it is a real pleasure to have met you here too, and my great good fortune. You're one of a kind, unique and beautiful.

I'm really sorry I never got to meet this Starwolf you speak of with such reverence and gratitude. She must have been, and obviously continues to be, a true inspiration to many. I dont know the circumstances of her departure, but I have noticed that her profile still has her as a current Champion. So perhaps she'll return and I will finally get to meet her. I really hope so.

Yes I know you're always there for me too Deebs. Thank you so much for reading back a way on my thread, it shows you care. And I very much appreciate that you continue to check on me and listen in, even when you dont feel well enough to post. I'll think of you as my very own guardian angel watching over me. I'm sure Starwolf would be very impressed with your achievements and your fortitude Deebs. Like a proud tutor watching over her avid disciple.

I feel honoured to call you a friend too, and as always ... please ... no pressure to respond. Sending a bunch of flowers and a box of chocolates to cheer you up. Get well my friend, everyone's friend.

Amanda

[startingnew]

Dear DB,
thank you for what youve written. Ive had a lot of help and that includes from you too, so I cant take all the credit. I told you ill always be here for you, sometimes more in spirit than in words but I dont plan on leaving you xoxo
theres no pressure to individually respond when your doing it hard or at all, so take you time, breathe and then write when you feel up for it.
You seem pretty self aware with your BP, its a shame you cant break that cycle but from what you have spoken about you are reducing the severity of the cycles and the impacts they have on you.
Do you journal? Not on here I mean in a book or on laptop? Im wondering if it would be worth reading back through some of it and taking notes on what has been helping you the most and utilising them the most?
I hope with sleep and some time youll be better sooner rather than later. Anyway im here for you anytime you need. My butterflies are out and about so keep a look out for them ok, and of course you have your necklace too.
Lots of tlc, hugs, oh and of course a gift basket full of all the goodies you crave at the moment
xoxox

[demonblaster]

DEAR Grandy, Mandy, Starts SLD.

What beautiful people I have in my life rl & here, thankyou so much sweet friends really thankyou you guys are amazing.

Had couple hrs sleep feeling average. I'll get there always do. Just so over this ...

xx