Surviving: Being in a better place

[demonblaster]

Hi all 🙂
Thought this thread might be of use to talk about your stories if you like and where you're at now.
In a better place.

I have Bipolar, (BP) pretty sure all my life. Wasn't diagnosed, I approached them thinking I have this at age 46.
The ups (mania) are magic, ying and yang (opposites) evident with BP & in many other ways.
The downs, crippling. Still ..but I'm DETERMINED to beat them with time & effort and professional help.One of the psychiatrists said it can't be beaten, I say cause it maybe hasn't been done, doesn't mean it can't be.
Have come an incredibly long way so far.
Long way to go probs but HAS to be sooner rather than later, else this mother of a demon will get me, I live in fear of going under the line again which majority of the time the head goes South but looking back at those times knowing I got through & that it's not always like that helps.
SO many good times, happy times between.

The cycles have gone from Rapid cycling (4 or more a yr) to 8/10 a yr since the loss of my beloved partner of 28yrs to leukaemia.

My teens starting at 14yrs I attempted suicide 4 times.
You're in hell considering, contemplating & ultimately attempting suicide, we're going against our strongest basic instinct. Survival.

Wanted OUT, couldn't see anything but Black in my head, no light, no way out, no other choice, the depression beast had me engulfed as it does most of the time in cycles now too.
Rock bottom. The pits.

I've learnt a lot one thing is it doesn't stay this way.
Sleep's vital. We don't get a lot or quality when down, it affects how we feel usually in a negative way.
Life's so much harder when we're tired and exhausted, we see feel & react to things differently
That part of our brain that works at pulling us down, I think with everyone, not only mental illness or disorders

Self esteem rock bottom, still working at it, it's true we have to like/love ourselves works as a shield.
Great loving good parents lucky

If I'd known in suicide yrs I'd meet a beautiful loving partner and have so much love from family, friends and happiness between the downs, I wouldn't have attempted.

BP downs equate to heavy grieving alone without it on top.It slammed but now I'm looking back and Yes still hurts, always will but we owe it to ourselves to keep going. We don't know whats ahead and nothing stays the same.

I know that now.

[demonblaster]

Oops pushed post Grandy darling lovable loyal beautiful lady.

You continually move me. How can you not see what a beautiful person you are (Rhetorical).

You lift me constantly with your {{{ love and care }}} eternal gratitude. Thankyou from very deep..dear ..good.. kind ...deeply compassionate lady. Said before in you there's something so strong, you speak from somewhere deep within with so much heart. God you're easy to love hun. How can I thankyou.

I believe you love me as I do you too deeply. Believe that too hun 🤗🤗🤗

People cause so much pain but look at the beauty we see here and rl in people. I maintain I think 75% plus are good.

Thankyou...BB and everyone.

This isn't meant as sad its true.

How things are here on bb now and in rl (amazing MH support worker/s (others too are gems) and always been very hapoy with Psych but cant see her as often as I need to, my fault often, I feel for the first time ever I'm getting the help I so badly need. I'm happy with progress I've made but its slow tho sometimes quick (yeah try living in this head 😥😅 but thats how it is sometimes it does seem quicker tho tnis BP I've let rule me moreso, so easy to slide with it aye but havent gone deeper deeps but rough patches all the same, average person would be mortified but we do get stronger as we go even if unnoticeable.

Rah rah anyway just wanted to personally thankyou all for your time and caring

Grandy really do love you. Thankyou 🤗🤗🤗

Hope you really are ok xx

[demonblaster]

BP day 25

Still in recovery amazing how much punishment the body can take before it resigns to much needed sleep, literally takes wks recooping. Woke wee hrs this morning 4am not sure if arm pain woke me but not depressed YET today so maybe coming out.

Had fair bit of varied friend contact (long ph convos) and face on which always lifts until alone time but gives a break from pain and reinforces like/love reciprocated.

In recovery HAVE to sleep as much as humanly possible otherwise it turns into mths and high risk of staying in depressed limbo. Before this cycle probs was depression too just spending most time sleeping. Was in limbo, no motivation for much. Been trying to avoid that clearly unsuccessfully ☺

3rd episode consecutively the downs still hell hard but not deeper darks like use to be so AM getting there. Here's helping beyond my dreams. So grateful for BB.

Other day started on pc typing out just mania stuff as with pretty much everything haven't finished but must try. Repeat all the time for reasons too but must be draining for readers but putting in some repeats and new stuff too. What you hear & read on the net only skims.Power to them articulating so well but there's a wealth more that goes on than what's explained from my reasonably extensive varied research so one day when I learn more here I'll put it up hopefully better articulated. Oops grammer...AGAIN!😀

Maybe there's a positive in remembering severe pain, although its still a hell hard ride these last 3 episodes haven't been as deep and I cant tell you how good it is not being in the deep dark abyss. Fine line being above that line even if only slightly. Deep Hells somewhere NOBODY wants to exist in.

There really is hope. Its in us all. Survivals our strength. We have the tools it's just a matter of finding and learning to use them. Here's with an open mind where we can find them.

Sorry lot of chat. One day I'll achieve writing all these posts in one hit.

Thankyou for your time and listening.

[Guest8901]

Thanks so much for your lovely posts overnight Deebs. Very brief from me as I head off shortly to my psych appointment. Really wanted to send you a big hug and to tell you how much I admire and appreciate you, both as a person, as a fellow MH sufferer, and as a supporter here on the forums.

xxx

Amanda

[Peppermintbach]

Hi DB,

Such heartfelt posts. Soul posts 🙂

Your gratitude and appreciation for everyone really comes across loud and clear. I feel you shouldn’t have to worry about not sounding appreciative because you always express your gratitude. You’re a beautiful soul.

Thank you for the wonderful and kind things you said to me. Your belief in me and support is something that I’m truly thankful for.

I sense that you would perhaps prefer to sleep less. While that is understandable, as you said, it’s necessary for your own recovery. Hopefully with adequate sleep, you’ll be back to feeling like “yourself” again.

The low moods must have been painful and scary. I’m glad your mood is starting to slowly life a little. It just might take some time. We will hold your hand through it...

You’re doing a great job. Maybe you’re just being a little hard on yourself as people generally understand what you’re saying. I hope that helps you feel a little better.

Also, your love and well wishes for Starwolf can be felt through the screen. Soul hugs...

Pepper xoxo

[Ggrand]

Hello DB. Others,

I'm not you know..

I come in here to talk, support, care, etc because I care deeply for you, I feel better in myself if I help, when I can. I ...

DB, I want to say something to you, but don't want to upset you...

I'm not what you say I am...I don't talk to you for you to say those things about me..I say them to you because I Love & Care for you and don't like it when your down, so I try to help you if I can....When you say those things about me I feel embarrassed, shame, , because I know who is me.. Oh I'm all over the place, sorry DB, .. I had to let you know...I hope you don't dislike me too much..

I gotta go. please look after yourself, be gentle and kind to you.

(L&C). ❤️❤️❤️🤗🤗🤗

Grandy.

[demonblaster]

Grandy grandy grandy darling lady I doubt very much it'd be in you to upset or hurt me but for the depth that I love you there's a trickle of fear of being hurt but that's not you it's me. Ditto to you not saying things to get back I as I think you do hope so 😁😅 speak from heart.

What can I say ... I cant not tell you or others either, don't want you feeling that way but you say you trust me (just throwing your words (reverse psychology lol) back at you ☺ can you find a way to believe (trust) that we/I am telling you the truth. Who are you going to believe. THEM or US!..I mean it Grandy you do reach me...thankyou beautiful soul. Now you'll be embarrassed and shamed again. Oh & How will you start believing in yourself if you dont have reason, I and others I know are speaking truth cause I see it too.

I'd be so hacked off if I felt strongly about someone and if either of us something happened and couldn't say I'd feel an injustice had been done.

Mwahs to you and ditto holding hugs tighter atm but slowly pulling up, yeah getting DBs coat on. Thanks but Deebi talking to you hun 🤗🙂

Pepstar you're so lovely why cant you see too. You will one day 😚☺

Its so frustrating Peps you guys can say clearly in a few sentences, oops tearing up gotta but longer as you mentioned to go till Im back evidentally. It's one of many that pulls me down. Geez I hope if theres more after this I get a different bloody head to live with and sort out. Grrr but at least a lot furthur liking myself than yrs ago so always hope 😆

Sleep yeah need it now but between times was a bit hairy before this episode.

Thanks hun hope your days ok lovey you're doing hard yards too ☺ xx

[Ggrand]

Hello Deebi,⭐️⭐️

I don't know what to say, The last few weeks I have been totally confused with who I am. 🤔 Its hard to put into words, but it's like you (others sometimes) are challenging me about who I am and its causing me to loose me, and I really don't know anymore. Geez you said your mind was screwed.....my mind is nothing but mush!! 🥀🥀

Deebi, I'm just sitting 🛋with you quietly tonight, holding your hands and I have an arm around you, rest your head on my shoulder Deebi, just rest Deebi, .📿🛌

im okay

love & Care always.. ❤️❤️❤️🤗🤗🤗 .

Grandy.

[demonblaster]

Grandy hun I hear its screwing with your head and that'd I'd imagine be because you've kinda been brainwashed thanks to the charmers in your life starting early age. Urghhh DB keep it steady I get SO hacked off how cruel and callous people can be. MUTTS!!!

Anyway btt -back to topic) Read yrs ago if we're told something often enough we'll believe it and we know beasty nags itself silly with low self worth ruminating thoughts so at vulnerable times in our lives if we're around toxics then as the story goes we believe negatives.

I'll very reluctantly back off and against what I believe if you want BUT first I have to repeat how are you ever going to like yourself without help or reason. I know others and myself aren't lying this is the light that shines from you that we see and nothing anyone has said hasn't been accurate and if you say no more for you I'll back down but not willingly ok ☺ Xx actually I'd feel strongly you'd be doing yourself an injustice because you'll continue to believe beasty and not good people who like/love you. So again I say "Who are you going to listen to". Your call.

Thanks hun so glad you're here. In a virtual way I do feel comfort in you being with me, thankyou so much for our lovely 💝 friendship even though our hearts are 💔 we have BB to help us 💖 do you 👂 me lol

Love your humour and little pretties you put up. Going to get back to you re people pleasers sometime

Grandy I'm so glad we met god now I sound pathetic again lol but am glad.

L&C always hun (btw thanks for the honeys when I needed them 😚

Amazing energy and peace transferring 🤗🤗

Grandy don't listen to beasty hun you deserve peace and happiness, here pop on my DB coat Im coming good again and with beautiful support from you beautiful friends here and rl -real life friends too and HOW MUCH sleep had few more hrs today too nearly there xx

[Peppermintbach]

Hi lovely DB and all,

Thank you for your caring reply especially when I know it hasn’t been an easy time for you. You say such kind things to everyone even when you’re feeling down 🙂

I suppose everyone has their own way of self expression so please don’t compare your writing to others. I realise that’s much easier in theory than in practice but we’re all different. You’re doing a great job in my opinion.

Also, I really appreciate the well wishes.

Sending you many souls hugs.

Pepper xoxo

[demonblaster]

You're such a love Pepstar (mmm looks like you have a new version of your name 😄)

Darl I apparently didnt but thought oops I'd replied to you so best I get back to bed couldnt sleep the arm pain canes in bed and walking mostly otherwise learning what makes it hurt so had a pill and whoops been fair while here

Sorry Peps darl didnt mean to not reply. You know you mean so much to me would never intentionally ignore.

I learnt a little more about you wow sounding like a stalker or what 😆 wrote in Quirkys' thread being ourselves and read a few replies after & was about why you dont want to acknowledge your goods. Can see your reasoning hun but still think you need to ☺ we're friends enough and secure to be more direct with love of course aye.

😪night night at least got some hrs sleep yesterday arvo but yeah

You're next for reply and I know and love you saying dont have to but ditto to you Starts Grandy Mandy its the decent thing to do when people give their time & energy xx🤗🤗 there spoiling you two of each and STILL no charge...nya ah up front anyway...te he invoice in mail