Surviving: Being in a better place

[demonblaster]

Hi all 🙂
Thought this thread might be of use to talk about your stories if you like and where you're at now.
In a better place.

I have Bipolar, (BP) pretty sure all my life. Wasn't diagnosed, I approached them thinking I have this at age 46.
The ups (mania) are magic, ying and yang (opposites) evident with BP & in many other ways.
The downs, crippling. Still ..but I'm DETERMINED to beat them with time & effort and professional help.One of the psychiatrists said it can't be beaten, I say cause it maybe hasn't been done, doesn't mean it can't be.
Have come an incredibly long way so far.
Long way to go probs but HAS to be sooner rather than later, else this mother of a demon will get me, I live in fear of going under the line again which majority of the time the head goes South but looking back at those times knowing I got through & that it's not always like that helps.
SO many good times, happy times between.

The cycles have gone from Rapid cycling (4 or more a yr) to 8/10 a yr since the loss of my beloved partner of 28yrs to leukaemia.

My teens starting at 14yrs I attempted suicide 4 times.
You're in hell considering, contemplating & ultimately attempting suicide, we're going against our strongest basic instinct. Survival.

Wanted OUT, couldn't see anything but Black in my head, no light, no way out, no other choice, the depression beast had me engulfed as it does most of the time in cycles now too.
Rock bottom. The pits.

I've learnt a lot one thing is it doesn't stay this way.
Sleep's vital. We don't get a lot or quality when down, it affects how we feel usually in a negative way.
Life's so much harder when we're tired and exhausted, we see feel & react to things differently
That part of our brain that works at pulling us down, I think with everyone, not only mental illness or disorders

Self esteem rock bottom, still working at it, it's true we have to like/love ourselves works as a shield.
Great loving good parents lucky

If I'd known in suicide yrs I'd meet a beautiful loving partner and have so much love from family, friends and happiness between the downs, I wouldn't have attempted.

BP downs equate to heavy grieving alone without it on top.It slammed but now I'm looking back and Yes still hurts, always will but we owe it to ourselves to keep going. We don't know whats ahead and nothing stays the same.

I know that now.

[Peppermintbach]

Hi DB and all,

Take your time with responses...we appreciate you immensely too ❤️

I’m glad you managed to get more sleep. Even if it means sometimes your emotional walls are down a bit from being better rested, sleep is still good 🙂

Glad you and Grandy are sharing stories about your celebrity and fictional character crushes. Making me smile 🙂

Soul hugs,

Pepper xoxo

[Peppermintbach]

Thanks Butterfly Wings 🙂

I love your tips too. I suppose it’s a bit trial and error to work out what works and what doesn’t for each of us.

Pepper xoxo

[demonblaster]

Thanks dear Pepstar (haven't played for a while 😄 or maybe did recently lol guess where my head is still (laughing emoji banging hand on table)

Yes big help hearing different strategies, agree sifting through what works, been thinking about what you do and big part probably to do with looking like OCD (undiagnosed yet) I'm compelled to come here luckily no stress if I don't but thanks to so many lovelies here I'm realising there's times when I'm unwell best to even stick here moreso or go and play in Social Zone moreso because it's also a big contributor to saving & helping me., from going deeper into the forbidden now (can only hope) abyss so good thing. Slowww process for me learning but am a LOT from many. We can all learn off eachother which is neat.
Can't speak highly enough about here & all the behind the scenes that often go unnoticed, occasionally do, so to them too thankyou here is an amazing place with SO much help and a good safe enviroment.

Think just for a change 🙂 I got sidetracked. So Peps I'll probably come in and out due to various activities through the week but will have to try lol to finish earlier (not a hope in mania) to allow unwinding (doesn't happen in mania till you're mentally exhausted but just have to keep at it, maybe success when I'm 180 yrs old 🙂
Happy to hear any other "time management" strategies though or anything girls I need organising, late darling use to gently guide me, you can't help but laugh at yourself even in "normal times" I'm scattered moreso in communicating, the mind pops of to hundred other convos in one sentence, mmm almost see some peoples eyes boggling lol.

Hope you're getting some help with the "exposure. therapy" sounds amazing/ly hard but from what I"m hearing. it's effective though confronting but if it helps which Does from what I've heard worth it, interested in hearing more, working my way through your recent posts up to Sez (chooky) one, skimmed but want to re read.

Btw good idea doing posts in a block then done for the day. I don't want people to feel they're alone & unless others in there talking too feel I"m neglecting them so have to work out the best way without them feeling rejected to say I"llllll beeee baccckkkk when I can.

Sorry big posts, so much to say but trying sigh, eye rolling emoji

Hope your days lovely
love & appreciation x (only one widdle kiss don't know if you like them but here's ((( Soul hugs )))

[demonblaster]

Its about give & take which I have SO much do & will continue when able. SO grateful for people helping which I do too hate taking without giving, lately cause Ive put myself in this hole broke again my stupidness & weakness at times urghh. Hope this is a quiet thread I think so going to release some

Realised recently I do have a touch of grandiose not grandeur if i have them correct. Growing confidence but dont think conceit

Curbed my demanding side mostly. like talking & someone doesnt reply I thinks rude, try to be more patient or find another way in less annoying way. Its hurtful feel unworthy, doesnt happen much now days

Dont like, liking being centre of attention on my terms, not always. Some need there, no idea why but ok cause usually make people happy. Like my own way. Improving there too.

Was a brat spoilt but not too. VERY strong willed just went on & bloody on. Curbing too

Hate "attitude"but have bit.Dont like being so damned full on loud talk a lot, too affectionate though lot of touchers & huggers in my life. Hate being such a desparate being so damned vulnerable. Have a need for reinforcement that Im ok & good person but isnt why I compliment

Self centred at times think depression does but care bout others always

Dont know if control issues like to lead but can follow dont like being told what to do from being domineered in past

REALLY bugs me someone can say one word that sounds like having a go & ruminating stewing. Speak my mind if need be better than going off & respectful to people I like

HATE letting my rot out on others have hurt people they me too. Not vindictive talking to mil love to death, heard myself being bit sh abby hate myself for that I try SO hard 😭 its so bloody hard being in this head yet I have lot of like/love. Deeply lonely times some in childhood great family parents tho poor Mum & I argued lot, dont blame her I was a turd of a kid she was beautiful couldnt ask for better parents live with guilt I hurt them so much with attempts temper arguing stubborn wanting my own way brat chook, I know Im a good person now & was then know a lot of reasons but sooo sick of me hurting me & being hurt i need peace else beast will win but know now so much stronger, little here hurts near more than deep downs of BP. Hard but ok. Was seconds away from 5th try with BP in teens.

Most do talk about people I stick to honest but feel stink.

Anger

😢 😭 ☺ 😲 👹 😨 ☺😠 😚

[Ggrand]

❤️❤️❤️🤗🤗🤗

[Guest8901]

Hi Deebs. I cannot say I always understand all that you're saying. But I want to. So keep talking if it helps to get all this out, and I'll keep trying to understand.

For now though, a great big cyber hug is coming your way, from me to you. Gosh I wish I could use those little emoticons like Karen used. I could save having to use words. Its amazing how much you can say with a few little pics. I expect you wont get this hug until morning, but thats okay, you'll probably still need it then too.

Btw, thanks so much for your post to my thread earlier today. Very grateful. I'll respond when I feel more able.

Amanda

[Peppermintbach]

Hi wonderful DB,

Such moving and self aware thoughts. Thank you so much for sharing them plus, as you mentioned, you need an outlet so it’s good that you’re letting some of it out.

Personally, I hope you don’t mind me saying that I think you’re being a little hard on yourself. You give a lot of yourself here, and I’m guessing offline too. You are a good person.

Besides, we all say things in the heat of the moment, have regrets, accidentally hurt people, etc but those things don’t make you a “bad” person. Good people aren’t perfect and have their “moments” too. Really, you are a good person.

Thanks for calling me Pepstar 🙂 Gave me a little chuckle. I’m glad my tips helped but everyone is different so just do what works for you.

Super sized soul hug,

Pepper xoxo

[demonblaster]

A deep heart THANKYOU lovely good people for so much support & help. I can't tell you how much I appreciate all of you. So much time you put in, lol I'm a slow learner 🙂 but eventually pennys drop so I guess that's the important part. I"m ok about being a slow learner now, helps knowing why.

I'm a mess atm, consistent with BP it's still beyond hard but better than the deepest of deeps.
When you're getting really down it's surprising how our survival kicks in.
I live in fear of going under the line which mostly not now but even going back to the deeps without wrong thoughts is deep hell which this one included I haven't gone too for the last 3 episodes so getting there slowly but it's still incredibly rough.

When our bodies can't take it anymore (sleep deprivation) when we do start sleeping I guess we relax a little which makes us feel more vulnerable to pain, beasty feeds on tiredness when our walls are down. Although our strength's in enough sleep it's a time process catching up. I've for the last 3/4 days had 3/5 hrs day sleeps and solid night sleeps for a few days now still waking early/ier than usual which it does but yeah rough atm but it always passes eventually when caught up.
So our full strengths in enough sleep but depression seeps in in our vulnerable yrs & times and seems to sit at bay waiting. I know it has to be addressed and best times are when we're stripped of walls. (Blocks)

It's hard to not talk here so the best I can do for now is just read intermittently and learn more. In time I'll work out better ways of doing this here but that's atm the least of my problems. Can see there's times I need to step back thanks to others input xx

Taking on these multiple demons feels like menopause,teens & fighting the devil in one package but it has to be done to free these mutts once & for all.

I won't allow this to go deeper it's terrifying where you go, bad enough now but if nothing else in this life my goal is to leave it a more rounded person free of demons & to help others on the way & after. I do have reasons to not go with the ultimate choice and at times that's a very easy but harder path to follow. At times my resolves strong but other times..yeah just gotta work on taking it out of the equation completely. Getting there.

So I'll be back & thankyou so much ((( xxx ))) all of you

Take good care of yourselves we need people like you in this world

[startingnew]

Im abit short on words of late but sending hugs and hearing you DB xox

🌷🌹🌻🍫🍰🍩🍧🍬☕

[Peppermintbach]

Hi DB and all,

Please take your time with replies. Seriously, if you’re not feeling up to replying to this post, please don’t force yourself to do it. I won’t be upset or offended if you don’t respond; your health is much more important than replying to me. It’s okay...

As always, fantastic self insight 🙂 You seem so determined to get on top of things. It’s admirable. I really hope you get more sleep as I know how important it is to help you regulate your moods.

How inspiring, you said:

I won't allow this to go deeper it's terrifying where you go, bad enough now but if nothing else in this life my goal is to leave it a more rounded person free of demons & to help others on the way & after.

What a beautiful goal. I love your caring spirit and giving nature. But in order to achieve your goal of helping others, I think you need to help yourself first and make sure you’re in a good headspace and not burntout. Something to think about maybe...only if you want...sorry, say this only out of love and concern.

Much love and super sized and overly affectionate soul hugs,

Pepper xoxo