Surviving: Being in a better place

[demonblaster]

Hi all 🙂
Thought this thread might be of use to talk about your stories if you like and where you're at now.
In a better place.

I have Bipolar, (BP) pretty sure all my life. Wasn't diagnosed, I approached them thinking I have this at age 46.
The ups (mania) are magic, ying and yang (opposites) evident with BP & in many other ways.
The downs, crippling. Still ..but I'm DETERMINED to beat them with time & effort and professional help.One of the psychiatrists said it can't be beaten, I say cause it maybe hasn't been done, doesn't mean it can't be.
Have come an incredibly long way so far.
Long way to go probs but HAS to be sooner rather than later, else this mother of a demon will get me, I live in fear of going under the line again which majority of the time the head goes South but looking back at those times knowing I got through & that it's not always like that helps.
SO many good times, happy times between.

The cycles have gone from Rapid cycling (4 or more a yr) to 8/10 a yr since the loss of my beloved partner of 28yrs to leukaemia.

My teens starting at 14yrs I attempted suicide 4 times.
You're in hell considering, contemplating & ultimately attempting suicide, we're going against our strongest basic instinct. Survival.

Wanted OUT, couldn't see anything but Black in my head, no light, no way out, no other choice, the depression beast had me engulfed as it does most of the time in cycles now too.
Rock bottom. The pits.

I've learnt a lot one thing is it doesn't stay this way.
Sleep's vital. We don't get a lot or quality when down, it affects how we feel usually in a negative way.
Life's so much harder when we're tired and exhausted, we see feel & react to things differently
That part of our brain that works at pulling us down, I think with everyone, not only mental illness or disorders

Self esteem rock bottom, still working at it, it's true we have to like/love ourselves works as a shield.
Great loving good parents lucky

If I'd known in suicide yrs I'd meet a beautiful loving partner and have so much love from family, friends and happiness between the downs, I wouldn't have attempted.

BP downs equate to heavy grieving alone without it on top.It slammed but now I'm looking back and Yes still hurts, always will but we owe it to ourselves to keep going. We don't know whats ahead and nothing stays the same.

I know that now.

[Guest8901]

Beautifully said Deebs, and please take good care of yourself. As Pepper so rightly said, no need to respond.

Amanda

[Ggrand]

Hello Deebi,

Just a popping in to say hello and also to let you know that I am with you holding your hand, not letting go ever and fanning that fire you've got in you honey.

Take your time to heal and get well. I am so sorry I haven't been here for you in words, but please remember that I'm always with you with my good wishes, my heart and my soul. My arms are always around you holding you tightly,

We will get through this, we always do, it's just painful while we are trying to crawl our way out. Let's do this together one baby step at a time. We might fall down at times but we can pick ourselves up and the take another baby step forward. Love you deeply Deebi,

I sat outside yesterday, and just concerntrated on watching the clouds slowly drifting pass, changing shapes, while the heat of the sun warmed my skin then the cool breeze change the sensation of warm skin to cool skin, the gentle whistle of the birds while they were playing, I was quite emotional and it helped to release some of the pain, it could be something you could try today if your feel like your going deeper. Sorry honey I'm not much help atm, but I do love and care for you so deep. ❤️❤️❤️🤗🤗🤗, maybe a yummy cake.🍰🍩 oh and a bar of chockie to have through your day. 🍫.

Love and Care,

Grandy.

[Sapphire_]

Heya Deebi.

Sorry i havent been around much. Am reading but not finding it in me to reply much.

I hope your doing better. Taking time for yourself. As others here have said. You need to look after yourself first to be able to help others. Your so caring and thoughtful i want you to feel loved too and here for you.

Take care of you. Sending much loves and hugs xx

[Ggrand]

Hello Lovely Deebi,

Just calling in to say hello and I'm hoping that you are ok, Take time to heal, My arms are still wrapped around you, My hands are still holding yours never letting go. Don't let beasty win, your strong, I know you will come out on top.

Our stars are shining down on you honey, their light and sparkle are slowly entering your heart, feel them go in and warm your heart, then they travel through your soul and enter your thoughts and then cleanse your mind of the beast.

I just needed to be here today, just to sit here in silence with you, I hope that's ok. I found some comfort in doing so. Thank you.

I have to go now, please don't reply, and I mean that..Just keep that fire burning Lovely lady, Know that I love and care for you honey. Look after yourself, be kind and gentle to yourself as you are with others.

Love❤️❤️❤️ & Care🤗🤗🤗

Grandy.

[startingnew]

hey db

just letting you know your in my thoughts, and sending some well wishes xoxox

[Ggrand]

Hello Deebi,

I'm just visiting you, Deebi, again your saying.

Letting you know I'm thinking about you and hoping you are coping ok.

Get well my special friend 🦄💫⭐️🌟.

Take your time, 🤝Hands together, 🤗 Hugs together,

Love and Care always..❤️❤️❤️🤗🤗🤗.

Grandy.

[demonblaster]

BP day 21.

Hi lovelie people, been reading/learning a fair bit here and have been trying not to post to exorcise some of the OCD (undiagnosed. Probable) demons.
Just need to talk, considered help lines but few reasons not to including one bloke maybe yr ago or more was an absolute twatt. He was really awful & I don't think what I've got to say is worth their time, often you feel brushed off. I get it they're time poor with such a demand & worse way worse than my rot. Hit and miss sad truth. There's amazing ones too though. Truth

Doing it hard, consistent with BP downs, holding from going under the line so that's something. Lifes throwing a few wobblies too. A lot is down to me being a bloody idiot. SO frustrating not being able to express properly. OK bullets

• Bloke I fell hard for. Suicidal thoughts. Feel inadequate, not sure what the best thing to do for him without looking like I'm chasing which is an issue in itself. Want so much to pull him out but howwwww (rhetorical) actually this whole post is ok to be too. Just need to vent
• Feel inadequate here. Read back to learn from my posts & others. Feel like I'm doing more wrong than right (that's me not anyone else's fault) honestly not saying that to get compliments, they're great but not my intention. It's honestly how I feel, not all the time but for a lot of it.
• Getting into debt again. Guilt. Screwed up life. Broke as. Usually don't stress on it but hard atm not too. It's always a down though. Since late love rapidly stepped back from building a better financial security. Smoking. Short term gambling but stopped.
• Keeping eye on someone else. Complicated can't really expand on it here
• Not grandiose feelings (looked up meaning) but along lines of. When I talk to psych.
• Didn't see psych, couldn't afford little gap lucky too was out of MHCP so would've been worse off.
• Depression seem to think more on the hard stuff
• Unhappy but lifting at times. Harder this time to fight. Too easy to slide with it.
• Still so bloody tired. Been most days for approx week & half getting few hrs in day then night too solid but still waking early.
• Feel unworthy guilty no good useless, so many lovely peoples time & effort. Going to talk to someone when heads clear. It's really pulling me down. Committments another of the thousand things to address too for beepers sake. Daghhhhh to everything atm
• Never have been able to get organised. Slowly learning.

That's bits not really near how it is atm.

thx for everything guys

[demonblaster]

I'm sorry I know we're not sposed to double post I just really need to talk more & sorry it's taking up more time from you beautiful supportive people.

Thankyou all of you lovely people (( hugs )) Grandy you've been in every day you dear lovely lady you have so much warmth & love in you, I felt that cyber hug thankyou. You word it so well. You ALL DO. I'm sort of but not singling out Grandy because so appreciative of you all thankyou from heart.

I'm ok btw and will be. No plans but how much of this rot do we have to endure, it happens so often now but I guess best to be looking at the ups which are they're slight easier, no where close to easy yet but not the deepest darks, deep though still.
With help here reading learning insight I'm starting to make progress working through the beast but as said before it's like blocks there, probs MI & depression doing they're thang.
If I contradict myself it's not lying, it's memory but seems to come back ok in pfftt "normal" times.

There's so many backed up answers to you all here and was before but not as much as now learning to note them more often thanks Pepstar x . Am reading & thinking though.

I don't know for others with BP or maybe it's depression & extreme tiredness but so often I feel like an idiot with good reason 🙂 you just get so damned scrambled and can't think clearly & say dah comments (not nasty) just thick or can't hold see I can't even bloody explain!!! Anyway I've got good beautiful people that care/love reciprocated but you CAN"T put this on them, I feel so lonely but not (here we go) I need someone to bat all this rot to & thank god seeing support worker tomoz not complaining as such at all they're amazing & my one's a boom but an hr doesn't touch it. I can ring but don't want to take up heaps of his time they've got others to look after and when I need him he always gets back but can't rely too heavily. I HATE THIS rot. I'm ok honestly sort of but ok. One sentence can't even be on point urgghhh
So didn't though need to make it about me with lovely guy last night but when I do the dah comments (like a stupid question) I have to throw in soz minds not in a good space only for understanding that I'm not stupid like I come across and that's what I was trying to say above. It's no wonder with people & this rot we don't have a good self esteem.

Sigh ran outta characters again and still haven't touched on stuff
That'll do thx time & care, back at youse

Sorry it's all down

[Guest8901]

Hi Deebs and thanks for checking in with us all.

Sounds like you have a whole lot going on right now. I hope it has helped to sort some of it out by putting everything into words here. Well done on that one.

Sorry I dont have much more to say, only love admiration and a hug from afar. Regarding OCD, I think I have that too. Must ask my psych when I see her. I think for me it developed as a coping mechanism after my trauma. It seems to come and go though, depending on my overall mental state. Right now, its bad.

Hope you improve soon. I miss you.

Amanda

[demonblaster]

Hi Mandy thankyou darlin when I know you're doing it hard too, you're a gem amongst many Jewels here 🙂

I'm planning on replying to previous comments to everyone including your previous so that'll be when I come back posting not sure when 🙂

Found out more re: neck is 2 bulging discs (ruptured.Thought one) and GP thinks which I do too is the CSF fluid in thoracic 1,2 & 3 is secondary to the disc damage.
Yes if CSF spreads more pain will be in chest which I did have some recently (was pretty sure not heart-apparently not 🙂 it can cause paralysis from that area down. Yikes have to be careful & start easing back into the strengthening exercises. Was wary to do anything till I knew more.

So went swim in strong wave beach with friend other day and it creeps up I found out this type of pain from injury as in not straight away and found out after the fact not to be body surfing etc mmm live and learn so have the compressed nerve pain in arm, can almost live with it without pain relief but could easily take some. Hurting pretty much all the time and a cow to walk with, every step hurts. So if it doesn't get worse at least the slow process of what you can/can't do's happening. Hurting doing this typing which was one thing to avoid for a bit cause of neck position and injury.

Had few more hrs sleep, going back to bed again soon not out of depression, feel a bit lifted but to catch up Jeesh takes an age.

Thanks again, keeping an eye on how you loves are all doing. Care very much about you all. xx