Really struggling

[Saree_p]

Hi All,

This is the first time I have ever tried to use a forum. I simply don't know what else to do.

Atm I have a lot of memories, images, voices from past experiences resurfacing. On top of work environment that can trigger these. I simply can not take it anymore and cope. All I want to do is make everything stop.

I have been sitting with suicide for a while now, and I am tired of fighting it. I feel like I have exhausted all my options, I am wondering if anyone has any advice.

I have started the process of seeking help, however it'll take months to organise. On top of this I can't exactly share what's going on etc.

Sorry

[Sophie_M]

Hi Saree, 

We’re really sorry to hear that. This must be extremely distressing, and we don’t want you to feel alone with this.  

We are reaching out to you privately, so please know that you have our support.  

We really want you to reach out and give our helpline a call on 1300 22 4636 to discuss how you can keep accessing the support that is best for you despite these issues. We’d also suggest reaching out to local Mental Health Services helpline on 1800 332 388 for advice, assessment and referral. It’s so important that you have support through this period, Saree.  

Thank you again for your courage and honesty when posting to the forums. This community cares for you, and wants for you to be safe and supported through this extremely difficult time.  

Kind regards, 

Sophie M 

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

Sorry I haven’t replied sooner. I had an emergency with my best friend who has been feeling suicidal. She is safe now, but it was a close call.

Life does matter and you matter very much more than you realise. Don’t be upset with me, but I felt quite annoyed with your partner for pestering you for sex when you are in so much pain and really struggling.

Also I didn’t like the way your family treated you at the family dinner. They seem very insensitive at times.

I wish you could have been able to keep your appointments this week as you could do with some extra support at this time. Is there no way you could organise some sort of payment plan?

As always you are in my thoughts and prayers xox

With lots of love Jojo 🌼🤗👋

[Saree_p]

Hi Jojo,

It's ok. I get it. Hope your friend is ok?

He just wants a normal relationship. I wonder if we are nearly over.... he keeps telling me we are not, but then he explodes or becomes upset. Last night he had a bit of an outburst in the kitchen.

Psychiatrist today - wants to change medication to Lithium and try a different antidepressant. He wants to do this over another hospital admission - so we have to wait until our private health cover kicks in (2 Months). Thats literally it. His other suggestion was for him to refer me to the community mental health team. My partner didn't like this idea at all. He'd also received a text from my psychologist informing him I wasn't doing well and had cancelled an appointment with her - needed to due to finances.

Apart from that nothing. An appointment in 6ish weeks.

What else...... nothing. Partner and I aren't in a good place, ended up arguing after the appointment simply due to the fact he doesn't understand that lithium is one of the more serious medications yeah. He doesn't get that I feel like my life has fallen apart and I want out. Today has just added to the never-ending list.

I don't know Jojo, I just don't see an end to all this crap. Everytime I think I have everything on track it just comes crashing down around me.

Just want this to be over thats it.

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

I’m glad to hear your partner is standing by you though it is unfortunate the relationship is quite difficult atm due to arguments and lack of insight on your partner’s part. This must be frustrating for you.

I remember feeling the same way when I tried to explain what I was going through to family and friends. I have found the only people who really get it and understand are those who also have a mental illness.

I am glad your psychiatrist plans to change your meds as your current ones don’t appear to be completely effective. However, it is unfortunate you have to wait a few months before this can happen.

In the meantime can you touch base with a GP for some extra support?(perhaps a different GP as I remember yours came across as being rather insensitive).

I know things are extremely hard for you right now Saree so try to only focus on one day at a time. Also I know you are scared about going on the new mood stabiliser, but it will be worth at least trying it. This could be a major turning point for you. Don’t lose hope.

My friend is doing a bit better, thanks for asking xox

With lots of love & hugs Jojo 🌼🤗🙋‍♀️

[Saree_p]

Hey Jojo,

Who knows. I just cant last another 2 months feeling this way anymore. I feel like a waste of time and space. Just feel like an annoyance and a burden.

Everything is just too hard. My partner wants more and more. Sex, find a job, work, go to hospital, fix everything. I cant even do one of these things.

I just dont want to live anymore. I know I should but I don't.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Saree, 

We're so sorry to hear how hard things are right now, that’s a lot to deal with. It's so good that you are continuing to seek support, although we understand it’s not easy. Jojo’s advice seems really helpful, we hope that you find some comfort and encouragement in it.  

We think it's a really good idea to take the referrals your psychologist has made, such as the community mental health team, as it's important you are supported while waiting for your private health cover to kick in.  

It’s really important you reach out when you’re feeling like this. You can call Beyond Blue at any time on 1300 22 4636, or you can call our friends at Lifeline 13 11 14 or the Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467. All of these options are available through webchat, if you'd prefer: 

• Beyond Blue 
• Lifeline 
• The Suicide Call Back Service 

If you feel like you’re unsafe, this is an emergency and it’s important you call 000 straightaway.  

We can hear you’re feeling under pressure to deal with multiple challenges at once. We wonder if it helps you to think of one of these things at a time, such as how you can make sure to reach support whenever you’re facing these feelings? 

Kind regards, 

Sophie M 

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

You are not a waste of time and space or an annoyance or a burden. However, you are unwell and pressured into trying to resolve too many issues all at once which must be really overwhelming.

The main focus ought to be on keeping you safe and getting you well. Please listen to Sophie and use the online counselling services while you are waiting for your next appointment with your psychiatrist.

Or perhaps consider going back into the public health system only in the short term, until your private cover is sorted out.

Don’t give up Saree. I have faith in you that you will get through this extremely difficult time. You are stronger than you think xox

With lots of love Jojo 🌼🤗👋

[Saree_p]

Sorry for not replying sooner. I thought if I wished time away it might all disappear, wishful thinking I guess.

Things are the worse they have been, my partner literally spends his time in another room and then keeps pressuring for sex and keeps groping to a degree. I'm actually starting to wish it'd stop happening and yeah. I get that I should be "putting out" but its hard to do when you don't feel connected and there is little connection between you. I can't go from being told how useless I am and how I stuff everything up to wanting to have sex.

Simply feel like I am failing on all fronts..... My parnter told me all he sees is a failure. how I keep failing. He is right of course.

Yesterday everyone wanted some more finalised details for the wedding, cake, when we are going wedding dress shopping etc. And here is me.... not even sure we should be getting married at all.

Just wish I had my Job back and had a purpose to life.... there is literally no reason to be here at all. My family don't have time for me or simply can't even be bothered to respond to my messages.

Thanks for all your help and advice Jojo, it's always appreciated.

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

It upsets me to hear your partner thinks you are ‘useless’ and a ‘failure’ when you are at your most vulnerable and really unwell. Please don’t believe it because it’s not true! It’s no wonder you don’t feel like being intimate with him.

This probably explains why you are questioning whether to get married or not. I can’t really comment too much on this, but it might be worth making a list of pros and cons to try and clarify how you feel.

I’m sorry that your family are not there for you or being supportive. It also sounds like communication between you and your partner has broken down.

Have you managed to book another appointment with your psychologist as I think this would be helpful atm?

You have been through such a lot both physically and mentally so don’t be so hard on yourself for not having a job. Your worth is not defined by whether you are working or not. You will find another job in time once your health improves. You are strong and capable. You have a future, you have a purpose so don’t ever lose sight of that.

Stay safe and don’t give up, don’t give in xox

With lots of love Jojo 🌼🤗👋

[Saree_p]

Hey Jojo,

I've just told my partner I want to seperate. He is then accusing me of wanting an easy way out to kill myself and then telling me I'm not in the right frame of mind to make a decision.

Yet here we are in seperate rooms of the apartment.

I just want a way out of this world. I feel trapped in a life that isn't mine. I was supposed to be able to play elite netball, become a clinical psych, etc. not this invalid with bipolar.