Really struggling

[Saree_p]

Hi All,

This is the first time I have ever tried to use a forum. I simply don't know what else to do.

Atm I have a lot of memories, images, voices from past experiences resurfacing. On top of work environment that can trigger these. I simply can not take it anymore and cope. All I want to do is make everything stop.

I have been sitting with suicide for a while now, and I am tired of fighting it. I feel like I have exhausted all my options, I am wondering if anyone has any advice.

I have started the process of seeking help, however it'll take months to organise. On top of this I can't exactly share what's going on etc.

Sorry

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

You are not failing anyone! The only thing that is failing is your health, both mentally and physically which is not your fault. I am sorry you are in such a lot of pain. Is that from your gallbladder or fibromyalgia?

It is perfectly understandable that you are unable to take care of your mother atm considering how you are feeling and only just coping yourself. Surely someone else in your family would be able to do that for your mother?

I also wish I could have coffee with you and talk to you in person. You probably won’t believe me when I say this but you really inspire me as I don’t think I would have been able to cope with even half of what you have been through and are having to deal with.

I do understand your moods and frustration so know that you can vent here as much as you like. It is better to get these feelings out rather than bottle them up.

So keep going Saree and remember to put your health first for a change xox

With lots of love Jojo 🌼🤗🙋‍♀️☕️

[Saree_p]

Sorry Sophie & Jojo,

It's just another night of sitting here wanting to cry.

Jojo, it was my mum doing the guilt trip and then my partner got home and was also upset with me as I was unwell again and frustrated I didn't feel up to cooking. I ended up cooking and everything, kept nearly fainting.

I'm so tired all the time, yet I'm not really sleeping because of the pain.

Jojo, I went to a specialist on Wednesday (3.5 hours away), and she is unwilling to confirm fibro - but she believes there is some there just need to rule out other issues. We don't know if it is gallbladder, she mentioned a whole lot of conditions it could be, but said my gastrologist should have been dealing with this. She was annoyed as both he and my psychiatrist, in her opinion, are being negligent. She plans to send them a very stern email, which scares me because what the hell is going to be the consequences of that? She simply stated that my care has not been good enough and I guess is trying to help, but it is going to cause issues.

there is just so much going on and I can't deal with any of it anymore. I tried to eat dinner before, the roast I cooked, and could barely eat any of the meat and then threw up what I did eat after feeling sick for ages. I'm just so over all this. I was in tears as I would have just liked to have sat down and simply been able to eat a meal.

I'm sorry. everything is just yeah. I probably don't even make any sense.

Ontop of all this crap my mood is simply not stable and I am frustrated as I know what needs to happen with my meds but nothing is happening because I can't till psychiatrist clears it, but he keeps cancelling appointments. It's just grrr....

I know I'm so suicidal again. Just no idea who to turn to again. CAT team are useless, everyone will just refer to them - honestly what is the point. The only reason I ended up in hospital last 2 times is because I tried to kill myself. I can't convey how annoyed I am that I failed. I know this is warped thinking as I should be grateful and have a new lease on life, but that just isn't so at the moment.

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

I am extremely grateful your recent attempts were not successful and I am now really concerned for your well-being. Please, please don’t harm yourself again. There is hope for you, even if you can’t quite grasp that atm. I would be devastated if anything were to happen to you.

I agree with your specialist that you are definitely not receiving adequate treatment and hopefully her intervention can help improve the situation. If it were possible I would put in a complaint on your behalf. You have a right to proper health care. You matter and deserve so much better.

I can hear your frustration with your psychiatrist who seems to cancel appointments at the drop of a hat. Has your appointment been rebooked with him? When do you see the Gastrologist again?

Once you get to the bottom of your physical symptoms hopefully you will begin to feel some improvement including pain management and start to sleep better.

Thank you for sharing your deepest feelings as they are valid and important.

I get the impression that your partner and family don’t know how to support you at this time which must be very hard. If things get really desperate please ring the emergency numbers before doing anything hasty or drastic.

You are in my thoughts and prayers xox

With lots of love Jojo 🌼🤗👋

[Saree_p]

Hey Jojo,

Everything is simply shit.

My partner and I have done nothing but argue, he just seems to think its so simple and easy and he is sick of me being unwell. Last night he got upset with me and simply stated that I should sleep.... just sleep.... no shit, I would if I could.

Sorry Jojo, just same headspace and even more crap.

Sorry

[Sophie_M]

Dear Saree,

We’re so grateful to have you reach out to our community this morning and are so sorry to hear everything you have going on at the moment. Times like this can definitely get overwhelming . We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you. 

We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).
Keep checking back in with us whenever you feel up to it. 
 

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

Sorry to hear things are really bad between you and your partner atm. It is so hard when your partner doesn’t appear to understand what you are experiencing and going through.

Unfortunately this can often be the case. I had the same problem with my family regarding my mental health (though I didn’t have physical pain and symptoms to also deal with like you do).

Have any of your doctors ever tried to explain to your partner what you are going through as he may be able to relate a bit better if it is coming from them?

Or could you write your partner a letter expressing exactly what it feels like which he could calmly read rather than getting into an argument?

I’m sorry everything is so unsettled at home. Have you tried talking to your GP or someone on the BB helplines as they might have some good advice for you?

Don’t lose hope Saree and don’t give up xox

With lots of love Jojo 🌼🤗🦋

[Saree_p]

Thanks Sophie M and Jojo,

I'm struggling to see the point in talking to anyone - literally about to cancel all appointments.

Jojo, yes they have. My psychologist in particular has as she doesn't view me as mentally week and she has had this conversation with my partner who thinks that being suicidal is mentally week.

My partner wanted sex as we don't much anymore (my fault). I just can't do this. I don't want anyone touching me at all.

This week is supposed to be psychiatrist, psychologist and GP - but I am terrified due of the consequences from the specialists.

Everything is difficult. I've failed my jobs - not helping anyone - useless.

We had dinner with my parents last night, my sister was supposed to join but didn't. Basically they ran everything past my partner, whether I could have a glass of wine, what foods I could eat etc. It made me so angry. On top of it, I was actually quite unwell, am today as well and went anyway just to be ridiculed.

My GP has been nothing but judgemental just before my attempted suicide. She told me the afternoon before I did that it'd pass etc and basically I needed to toughen up and just get back to normality.

I just want out of all this. I don't want to have sex, I don't want to have to pretend I am ok, I don't want to have everyone upset with me, I don't want any of this. I just want out.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Saree_P, 

We are sorry to hear that you are struggling at the moment and that you are feeling so low. We can hear that you are going through a lot right now, from what you have written it sounds like it is really hard. Thank you for being brave and for reaching out for support.  

We really encourage you to keep your appointments with your treating team if you feel that you can. We know how hard this can be, but we think that being open with those you trust to help you is a great step along the path to feeling better.  

We would encourage you to contact 1800RESPECT to discuss the events of the weekend and how you’re feeling about them. They will be able to help you process how you’re feeling about this relationship, and how past events have affected you. The lovely supportive counsellors have a lot of experience offering advice and support to anyone who has been through trauma like this. You can contact them on 1800 737 732.

We also really want to encourage you to call Beyond Blue to talk things through, on 1300 22 4636. We're also available on webchat, for those moments when it's hard to pick up the phone, and you'd rather speak to someone online. 

Thank you again for your post and for being such an important part of this community. We can hear that you are going through a lot right now and we want you to know that you don’t have to go through it alone. We are here for you if you ever need us. 

Kind regards, 

Sophie M 

[Saree_p]

Thanks Sophie,

Due to financial reasons had to cancel the one appointment worth keeping, psychologist.

We are on one income atm and have literally forked out my partners whole wage on appointments this week gone. Forget mortgage repayments etc

Sorry. I just dont want to do these appointments. They always end horribly.

If I could just get out of bed I would take that drive.

[Saree_p]

Hi Jojo,

I guess I find that lief doesn't really matter. Sorry.

hope you and poppy are happy and well