Really struggling

[Saree_p]

Hi All,

This is the first time I have ever tried to use a forum. I simply don't know what else to do.

Atm I have a lot of memories, images, voices from past experiences resurfacing. On top of work environment that can trigger these. I simply can not take it anymore and cope. All I want to do is make everything stop.

I have been sitting with suicide for a while now, and I am tired of fighting it. I feel like I have exhausted all my options, I am wondering if anyone has any advice.

I have started the process of seeking help, however it'll take months to organise. On top of this I can't exactly share what's going on etc.

Sorry

[Saree_p]

Hey Jojo,

Ended up seeing my psychologist. She ended up putting me into tears. She just understood without me having to say much.

Feeling worst than ever.

Not relieved about quitting. They have asked me to delay my resignation. I've virtually stayed in bed for a 1.5 weeks.

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

I am so glad you saw your psychologist and that she really understood. Don’t be afraid to cry as tears are a good emotional release. You may initially feel worse, but in the long run can really help start the healing process. It can be exhausting too so be kind to yourself at this time.

It sounds like your work doesn’t want you to resign, but you have to do what you feel is best for you. Put your own health first. However, are you completely sure about resigning? Maybe with some time off and when you are feeling better you might see things differently?

I know how difficult it can be, but try and get out of bed and have a shower each day, and try to get some fresh air and change of scenery. Hard as that is it does help rather than isolating yourself and getting stuck inside your head.

Thinking of you at this time xox

With lots of love Jojo 🌼🤗🙏

[Saree_p]

Hi Jojo,

Sorry for the absence in my reply.

nothing seems to really have changed. Every step I try to take to move forward and get better, I end up taking 20 backwards. We even got a new kitten to try and help. He has been wonderful in making me laugh and care for him, but even that at times doesn't feel enough.

apart from that, there is literally nothing else to report. I am purely left to my own devices to try and cope. Spent a couple of weeks not really moving from bed, then tried to get back in control last week, but its failed.

how are you Jojo?

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

Good to hear from you again. Hope you don’t mind me saying but you sound slightly improved than before. That’s great you have a new kitten as they are so amusing and fun to have around and often lighten the mood. What’s his name? Hope Tinsel doesn’t mind!

Did you end up leaving your job? Please try and get out of bed during the day and keep yourself occupied. Make sure you eat properly too. Fresh air always helps even if it is only a quick walk around the block.

I am really well thank you. I went to the movies yesterday and saw Penguin Bloom. It’s a true story about a woman who has a bad accident and ends up paralysed. Her son finds an orphaned magpie which helps her begin to overcome her depression.

It made me realise how lucky I am and how difficult it must be to be confined to a wheelchair.

Keep your chin up Saree time has a way of healing and sorting life out. As always, take good care of yourself xox

With lots of love Jojo 🌼🤗🙏

[Saree_p]

Hey Jojo,

Sorry, I didn't know how to respond.

I have not been working for a while - currently awaiting results from another job interview.

Therapeutically barely made any progress and after today I simply want to give up.

My health is completely falling apart. I am awaiting a cardiologist and gastrologist. We believe my worsening conditions are due to two separate complications. gastro stuff has caused complications with cardio stuff.

My nightmares are worse again.

I basically gave up work because I couldn't cope, for myself to fall further into a hole and be unable to cope.

I did see my psychiatrist, but not much was done as I had just experienced an ectopic pregnancy the week before xmas and over xmas. wasn't resolved until the new year.

I haven't seen him since and don't see him till midway through may. My psychologist has barely been available due to the time of year and honestly I haven't pushed.

sorry Jojo, yet again the darknesss surrounds. It is so think and deep that I see no way out. I think this is the one I will not come out off. For the best really, as I won't have to deal with this crap and no one will have to deal with me.

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

It’s been a while, but good to hear from you Saree. Sorry I haven’t been online much recently so am only replying now.

Sounds like you have extra physical symptoms to deal with now as well as your mental illness which must be really tough. It’s not surprising you are not feeling the best, but please hang in there as you can get through this. You are a tough wee cookie and have pulled through many extremely difficult times already.

It may not feel like it, but you will come out the other end as you are a fighter and don’t quit easily.

Good luck with your job interview. Is it part-time work? Hope things go well with the gastrologist and cardiologist appointments. I think if you could get to the bottom of those two issues you would probably begin to feel much better.

I had to take Poppy to the vet today as I thought she might have kennel cough. Thankfully it wasn’t though she does have a cough which is being treated by cough syrup and antibiotics. Was really relieved. How is your kitten?

I am learning to play the ukulele which is so much fun and it takes your mind off everything else that might be going on in your life. Why not try and find a new distraction for yourself as it might really help you.

Wishing you a happy Easter 🐣

With lots of love & hugs Jojo 🌼🤗🐓🐉🐾

[Saree_p]

Hi Jojo,

Sorry for the delay in response. I have been in a horrid space that isn't getting any better.

I did manage to get a job, supposed to start Monday. Full time, counseling families and children (mainly children).

Health stuff....Well GP has diagnosed Fibromyalgia. So yay. another life long condition that can only be managed.

Seriously wondering who I pissed off in a former life.

Sorry Jojo, head is fairly dark. I am simply can not stuff up this job. I'm so stressed about it that I do not even want to attempt starting it. I wish simply to disappear from this world.

I am over the chronic pain, inability to function and just my usual uselessness. To add to it, my partner and I have not been in the best place.

I went to my psychologist today - I am never going back. It was a complete waste of time as per usual. I've been suicidal and all we did was chat about superficial stuff. Not deal with my nightmares or shaking nervous system or the swarm of dark thought. Simply put, what's the point?

Sorry, I'll shut up now.

Hope life treats you well Jojo,

Lots of love, Sarah

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

You don’t have to apologise for taking time to reply as you have more than enough to deal with. I don’t know much about fibromyalgia so am not sure what sort of symptoms it causes. It sounds very painful and I am so sorry that you now have to deal with this too.

Are you managing to cope with your new job? Hopefully that is a good distraction for you.

You seem very unhappy with your psychologist and don’t see the point in continuing with her. Have you considered changing to someone else who hopefully would be more understanding and helpful? I tried a few psychologists before I found one who was ‘right’ for my needs.

I really feel for you Saree that you are still struggling and in a dark place. I wish I had some way to help you through this time. Unfortunately the only way is for you to continue to dig deep and take one day at a time. You are an amazing person with huge reserves of strength and resilience that have brought you this far. Don’t ever give up.

As always my thoughts and prayers are with you. Take good care of yourself.

With love and a great big hug 🌼🤗👋

[smallwolf]

Hi,

Firstly, congrats on the job! How is that going?

It sure does seem like you are very frustrated at the moment. Yet another "something" to deal with, and you felt your time with your psychologist was being unproductive!

Can I ask if you tell your psychologist about what you are thinking.... ie. rather than talking about the deep stuff all wanted to talk about was...

And perhaps it is a positive you wanted to talk about the dark stuff as well. And sad it appeared to be glossed over.

And remember that it is ok to vent here... better to write it out somewhere than to stew on those thoughts. One of the good things about this space is that someone like Jojo will respond with care and support for you.

Peace and comforting thoughts, Tim

[Saree_p]

Hi all,

I am sorry for the delay. I have become so slack of late. I've just been go go go since the new job. I am loving it!!! Unfortunately, I am apparently having another episode - which has taken a month to build up and now has reached where I have had to take yesterday and today off work - emergency medication changes, which I don't think are doing much.

We ended up back at my psychologist this week as requested by the psychiatrist week before. Basically spent the time investigating options for moving forward and then managing my "heightened state". Apparently I left the house last night with the stove still on (mid way through cooking) and the backdoor open, TV going. Apparently I am becoming dangerous!!! however I do not get it. I've been taking my meds.

Funny thing Jojo, since I've been seeing clients, I am dealing with trauma, suicidal ideation, normal teenage shit which is boring), and even had a client that presented with Bipolar - so went through states and sent her to the GP.

Phone call with GP this morning ended in being to contact the CAT team if get slightly worse..... I am like NOPE with all capitals.

Thanks Tim and Jojo.....

My partner literally went off at me last night ..... didn't mean to leave things open and the stove on. wasn't that big of deal. all was good.

How are you guys?