Not in a good space

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

It's like a feeling just bubbling up to the surface. It's panicky and disgusting and I dont' know what to do with it. There's no thoughts associated with it. It's a feeling. A really gross one. I called the Suicide Call Back service. I didn't find them helpful. What do you do? What helps you?

[Guest_1643]

hey Katie,

That's very hard to be triggered... it's good and amazing that u can acknowledge it and find the source.
Less mysterious and confusing... but still of course so so hard to feel affected in that way and to see the news everywhere. I hope you're okay and really feel for u, I have experienced triggers myself and been quite upset and sad. I can understand how Megan Markle's story could be triggering and also very in your-face at the moment, it's a lot.

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Paul, Paws, Hanna, Sleepy, thanks for dropping by, and sharing your kindness. I've laid on the couch today and binge watched a sad show, and let all my tears out. I feel better for it.

Special thanks, Paws, for saying my bubba's name. Was so nice to "hear" it x

[Hanna3]

Hi Katy,

Posted a response to yours on my thread, and also, can we have some of your cool weather over here please? Wondering what we can both do about social anxiety... hugs

[Hanna3]

Hi Katy,

When you said the comments going through your head are so bad you can't get words out - bad thoughts or just anxious thoughts? I have bad memories of things that happened to me, and sometimes I feel detached from other people because of these awful memories - and I have to remember nobody else can know these thoughts or tell about them from talking to me... I don't know if yours are those kind of thoughts or just spiralling anxious thoughts?

You lost your daughter Zea, and that's a terrible trauma and I wonder if that has a similar kind of effect to my trauma - it somehow makes you feel separate and apart from other people and you can't communicate it but it's a huge part of your life and who you are - I always feel like I have to hide part of myself from others.

I don't know if your experience is like that, just wondering. Nighty night I am off to bed it's late! xoxo

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hi Hanna

For me, it's the anxiety and self-esteem issues working together. Anxiety tells me I'm not worth a bar of soap, plus a history of other people in my life telling me the same thing, results in thoughts of inferiority going through my head, and that results in physical symptoms - a racing heart most prominently. Then, I just can't manage to get words out, and if I do I often stutter, mumble, or I can't find particular words and therefore can't finish a sentence. Oh, it's awful!

I did do a very small bit of reading about trauma while at uni, and dissociating is quite a common result of traumatic experiences. Perhaps that's what you're experiencing when you talk about feeling detached? I'm sorry you feel you have to hide yourself. It's hard when we feel as though we can't be our full and authentic selves.

Have you heard of Brene Brown? I want to have a look into some of her stuff, as I think it might be helpful. She writes/talks a lot about vulnerability.

Well I'm feeling quite good today, I think, after a few not good days. I hate when I get into a depression as I'm not motivated to do anything and I just stare at the wall a lot. I challenged myself to just try read a chapter of a book today, and I've done that. I decided on "Hey Brother" and it seems easy reading, and enjoyable so far. Next challenge is to not go back to bed after hitting the post button...

Cold and breezy here. Will message my friend and see if she's up for a walk. Thanks so much for popping by, so nice to have company 🙂

[Guest_1643]

Hi Katy,

Hope you feel better

The trauma field is so interesting, I've read a bit about it too. A lot of people on the threads love Brene Brown... let us know if you like her too!

A walk with ur friend sounds great on the type of weather you desribed.... hope the fresh air feels amazing

[Hanna3]

Hi Katy (waves to Paws, Sleepy)

Now that you mention it, when I feel cut off from other people I probably am dissociating, thanks for that tip! (grin)

I dissociate a lot, have done since I was a little kid, nobody picked up what was the problem of course until I was in my 40s, so as a kid I got into heaps of trouble all the time for forgetting things,names, you name it - of course I didn't know why or how I was forgetting things, and the more I got punished the worse it got!

I think your problems with speaking are very similar to mine, they're just different versions of the same problem I think I found it by Googling speaking or voice problems with anxiety...anyway it does come up and it's obviously a huge problem for lots of people, so we're not alone..anxiety is pest of a thing.

I haven't heard of that person I'll look them up.

Glad you're feeling better, we're hitting into the 40s tomorrow dear Heaven and this is known as a cold place and I moved to what I thought was a cooler climate. My poor little dog. Today is nice but we're both tired...

I guess I'll never improve my self esteem, it I haven't done it by this age I never will! Maybe we should pat ourselves on the back for doing as well as we do, given the problems that fate has foisted upon us! It's quite brave of us really..

hugs.

[Hanna3]

Hi again Katy,

I have realised I am suffering from rebound anxiety now I'm off the S9 med. So I've been trying to think what used to help me... Tai Chi used to help a lot, my psych when I was in my 20s put me onto that and it was wonderful, unfortunately there isn't a class here but I wonder about where you are?

Deep breathing as I tend to take short high breaths when I'm anxious, don't know about you?

I used to join the local Quakers (Society of Friends) not for religious reasons (they're great actually they let you think pretty much whatever you like there are no rules) but because they meet for an hour a week of deep meditation, and I found meditation in a group was the most warm, wonderful feeling once you get over the first 15 minutes, which they say is the tough part - then it's really soothing. The bit city group near me has a zoom meeting each week, so I think I'll try that.

I also got a book from the library today called "When Lie is not Peachy"y Pip Lincolne and I think it's rather good, about dealing with tough times/anxiety etc etc.

Hope you had a good day xoxo

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hi again

Sleepy - yes, good walking weather but my friend was busy and I just can't seem to muster enthusiasm for much lately. Poor little Stormy is probably wondering what's going on *sigh*

How's things with you? I follow Brene Brown on facebook, and I see she does a lot of podcasts, but I've just been too busy with uni to listen. Does she inspire you at all?

Hanna - thanks for the suggestions. I'm trying to put some things in place for my break, but feeling so meh, so it's hard. I haven't even been to yoga, but with the weather warming up (well, supposedly!) there's plans for some outdoor classes and I do love those, so maybe that will get me there. Breathing is a good idea too. My psych suggested I set alarms throughout the day to remind me to do some belly breathing. Actually, I have a psych appointment tomorrow, which is good as I always seem to slump on uni break.

As for self-esteem, I'm hopeful it's something that can always be worked on. I'm not sure if you saw I posted elsewhere about building a self-esteem platform? So every time someone says something positive about us, or we think something good about ourselves, we add a virtual brick to our platform and build it up. I'm thinking I'll have a jar and pop little notes in there to keep track of my bricks - what do you think? Open to suggestions 🙂

Oh - and I'm going to start with "I'm brave", as you're absolutely right - we keep on keeping on regardless. Good on all of us x

[Guest_1643]

Hey Katy -

i know what you mean about not feeling the motivation. I'm sensitive also to where i go walking so hoping to find a new spot where I feel more at ease...

Brene Brown's work is interesting but I've not really pursued it much past the basics. A lot of my friends love her.
I like Elizabeth Gilbert's book "Big Magic" where she talks a lot about Brene because they're friends.... Thanks for telling me about the podcast, maybe I'll try have a listen. She hasn't inspired me yet but I'm open to hear more!