Thinking about death.... all the time...

[Guest_1643]

Hi all

I've been struggling for 3 weeks with suicidal thoughts

My new GP is amazing

He tells me to think of suicidal thoughts as a symptom maybe a solution

Could he be right?

Today he assigned someone to give me a call to check in on my safety. I don't think that will happen. I've not received the call.
Small things like this lead to rage, hurt and fear for me.

And so I am left to deal with the thoughts alone.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Sleepy21,

We're so sorry to hear that you've been struggling with these intense thoughts for the past 3 weeks, but please know that our community are here to offer as much support and advice as you need through this particularly difficult time. We can hear how frustrated and hurt you must be feeling as you have not yet received a call, but please know that support is always available if you'd like to talk these feelings through. You never have to deal with these thoughts on your own Sleepy21. If you feel up to it, we'd really encourage you to reach out to the understanding counsellors at our Support Service, who are always here for you- 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 (or also through Webchat 1pm-12am AEST at: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport). Our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) and Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) are also available 24/7, as often as you need, when these feelings are becoming too much to cope with.

You're not alone in this, and we hope that you can find some comfort from the kindness and support from your friends here on the forums. 

 

[Matchy69]

Hi Sleepy I am sorry you are having those thoughts.I have to had those thought for many years.I don't think I would ever have the courage to act on them I am glad you have a good GP.I hope they do follow through and check up on you like they said.You have been a great help to many on here while struggling yourself.Has anything in particular triggered you in the last 3 weeks for you to have these thoughts?
We are here on these forums to listen.
Take care,
Mark.

[sunnyl20]

Hey Sleepy21,

I'm sorry to hear you have been struggling so much. Those kind of thoughts can be really difficult to cope with, especially if you don't feel like you can talk about them with anyone. They can be so overwhelming and intrusive. It can feel all-consuming and out of control. I am really glad that you have been able to see your GP though - it sounds like he has been very supportive and offered a helpful perspective for you to think about. Do you have a follow up appointment planned with him?

I'm sorry that small things are causing you to feel so much hurt... sometimes things accumulate and it doesn't take much to push you over the edge. You're not in alone in feeling that, but yeah it can feel awful. I don't know what the solution is, but it won't always feel like that.

Can you identify any stressors that are causing the harmful thoughts? It can help knowing your triggers. Sometimes writing your thoughts out can help, whether that is typing on a word document or writing on a piece of paper, I don't know whether you have done this before, and it may sound a bit silly, but it can help in organising your thoughts somewhat, externalising them, getting them out of your head and onto the page and seeing them in a different way.

Please know that we are here to listen. Take care and please reach out as and when you feel up to it.

[Guest_1643]

Hi Mark,

I'm sorry you have had those thoughts too. i hope you have found ways to feel not affected by them

a friend called the triage coz they were worried about me as i mentioned something about suicide

so today i got a call from them which was... interesting.

I think something has triggered it... i have had a recent interaction with my family who I normally don't speak to. It was upsetting.

I still didn't get the call from the gp who does check-ins. I tried to call him, my friend said to call him lots lol.

He isn't as good as the other one. Thank you Mark for caring.

[Truc]

Hi...

I used to think all the time about being death, then somehow I realized that is it gonna help me to solve a problem, hmm actually no, it actually makes me feel guilty more, I do not know about your situation so I just share mine it would be more credible to me and may be to you, why do I feel guilty ? to be an university student is hard to me, I do not have enough money to support myself and pay tuition at the same time, however, luckily my parents helped me out, as I am over 18 years old now of course, I feel like I had owned my parents a lot, from the time I was born till now still somehow have to rely on them, those are enough motivation for me to live to fulfill my responsibilty to pay them back, I know they do not want my money back, but it motivated me, and actually I do not feel right if I choose to die when I still also have other responsibilites and debt not just from my parents but also my friends and people who helped me out when I was depressed and struggled. sometimes, when I have time alone and recalled back there is not just people around me but also people who saved my life when I was drowned when I was a kid, to be honest I dont remember who that is but just heard from my parents , but to think hmm... they saved me, now I choose to die, then their effort is wasted, I do not want it, so I choose to live to improve and maybe someday, I can pay them back or at least I can see them and say thank you, those things I have not finished yet, so I am still trying to do so. I hope it is helpful

[Guest_1643]

Hey Sunnl20

Sorry I couldn't write earlier I've had a little bit of a streesful day with calls from the triage
How are you?
I went to the park today and wrote to clear my head and before shopping today I wrote a list of things which helped me

I like the idea of writing. I like it a lot, thank you

I have a follow up apt with the GP on the first day he's back from leave

No one called me today from the clinic like he said they would. It made me sad and over everything. But I guess this is just what happens sometimes.

[Hanna3]

Hi Sleepy,

Being estranged from your family makes everything harder - I'm estranged from my family, I haven't seen them i years, it makes things tough.

Christmas doesn't help and I know you've been feeling down for a while now. I used to find just telling myself I'd hang on for another minute, and another minute, would help when I've been really feeling bad.

I just don't want you to feel so alone - remember there are people here who care about you. You've been so kind and friendly on the forums... so hang in there, things will improve even if it's only inch by inch!

Things will pick up Sleepy. For the time being all you have to do is hang on. Just know that you are not as totally alone as you are feeling... hugs Sleepy.

[Hanna3]

Please do know that you are valuable and valued, Sleepy.

[white knight]

Hi Sleepy

Just an idea, as you like writing perhaps if you put in the search box "poetry corner put your poems here" you'll get a lot of pleasure reading those.

Death has haunted man since he/she first had inspiration and intelligence. As a person that always sees a positive in a negative, being suicidal or thoughts (been there ) places us in a highly emotional state. It's a time I wrote my best poetry. This state is a tough place but writing counters it, it's a way of draining the clouds...

TonyWK