Not in a good space

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

It's like a feeling just bubbling up to the surface. It's panicky and disgusting and I dont' know what to do with it. There's no thoughts associated with it. It's a feeling. A really gross one. I called the Suicide Call Back service. I didn't find them helpful. What do you do? What helps you?

[Hanna3]

Hi Katy,

Was this the psych? Or a university person? What did she think about the Hons course? Any thoughts? Don't make any decisions today, sounds like you should write the rest of the day off and go and do something to relax yourself? Not a good time to make a big decision, let it percolate for a while!

I think it's all just stressful today and you should just chill and relax for the rest of the day..your subconscious will still be working on the decision in the background.. give yourself a break for a while. hugs.

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hi

This was with my psych. The question triggered some kind of meltdown. Got me thinking about my bubba and my ex, which seems to happen when I'm in a bad space. I journalled my thoughts. Have been trying that and sometimes it works to create a shift of sorts. It's interesting what comes out. I feel a bit better. I don't have a little voice in my head screaming 'help' anymore at least.

So, I'm going to do Honours. I think I got a bit tripped up on someone at uni saying it needed a purpose. My psych reminded me that it was my decision and only I get to decide why I want to do it. I do see it as the cherry on the cake, and I'm opting for the cherry 🙂 Thanks for both being so supportive. It's challenging being alone.

Hanna, I think you've made the right decision not to board Sam. That would be hard on you both, not being together. Hopefully you can find other ways to manage the heat ok.

Paws, I'm sorry you've been feeling low. I understand the couch to bed scenario - those days are hard. But I like to think that even thinking/planning is ticking boxes if it's useful thinking. You made me grin with your comment about my take on dog/beach rules too.

Today is one of those days I wish you were both here IRL for some company. Even just sitting and not talking...

[Hanna3]

Katy, yes sometimes I think we should all be able to get together just once in a while - at least we'd know where each other is coming from... if only we could have a cuppa and chat together - wouldn't that be interesting...

Good on you, I don't think education ever needs a purpose except for the sake of being educated. I did my first degree for the sole reason that I wanted an education - that was it! The grad course meant I qualified for a PhD if i wanted to - so it gave me the luxury of saying no! I had choice.

I think making big decisions is fatiguing - you're probably tired emotionally. I hope you give yourself a break now from worrying/working things out/thinking! Decision making is tough. hugs!

The housing guy was hopeless, did nothing, photographed every room... wouldn't even do anything about the dangerous dead tree branches...never looked me in the eye... he said the house was neat and tidy and that it was hot! It's like an oven now.. eeeeek.

Am going to set the hose on little Sam outside... !!!!

[pgsc]

I soooo understand your pain.

Sadly, I have a few 70 - 90 year olds and a demented wife to consider first, so whilst getting out is my first choice, I have these to tend to first. Closest thing I have to a hobby.

Good luck. I hope you make the right choice. It's never easy.

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hi pgsc

That sounds very difficult. I do hope you are able to get some time out from your caring role to do something nice for yourself.

Thankyou for your support.

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hi Hanna, all

Yes, big decisions are taxing. Perhaps the stress just spilled over. I managed to get to outdoor yoga last evening, but aside from that I just felt really worked up and found myself sighing a lot.

This morning I've been up and read an entire short novel over coffee, and my Amazon order has arrived with two more books, so I'm pretty happy about that.

Yes, the people that do Housing inspections seem pretty useless, Hanna. I've asked to have numerous things fixed up over the years and they say yes and then just never do them. I guess some sort of formal request requires action, that a verbal convo does not? Although, even that is debatable.

I've bought some 'lick mats' for Storm. Have you tried them? I thought they might be handy to have on hand for those days when I don't feel quite right, and Storm gets neglected. Maybe I'll think to grab a lick mat out the freezer to give her something to do. I've read you can smoosh greek yoghurt and chopped blueberries on them, or vegetable puree and sardines etc.

Well, just a check in of sorts. Feel pretty flat but ok I suppose. Hope everyone else is going ok'ish. Hugs xo

[Hanna3]

Hi Katy,

I think making big life decisions is really stressful and fatiguing. I think you had to come down off all that... so glad you got to yoga. I haven't got a lick mat, I know of them but as Sam is on a special diet there's not much I can use them for.. poor guy!

Katy, do they photograph your place during Housing inspections? I've never had that done before. He said everything is neat and tidy, which it is...but I found it quite violating, especially photgraphing my bedroom straight after I'd been having a rest (I got up to answer the door) so my book, mug, cardigan, etc, were all on the side table and the cover only roughly thrown over the bed... My musical friend came for coffee this morning, her partner knows a lot about Housing from his work, and she said he should have told me just where and when the phtographs are to be used etc... and should have given me assurance about them.. and that i had the right to request a female not a male come in... wish I'd known.

I have a doctor's appointment this arvo so have to leave Sam alone in the heat... it was lovely to have my friend over, she is doing research on Celtic harp for music therapy, so very interesting... she used to be a teacher.. we had lots to talk about, and Sam adores her and went crazy.

Hope you feel better soon.. hugs. PS: The books sound good!

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hiya

I'll respond now seeing as I'm still on here (oops!). The taking photographs was something that Housing introduced years ago. I commented at my last inspection that they must have quite a collection of my place by now! I imagine it would feel invasive if you were not expecting it, and they most certainly should have taken the time to explain the intent behind it. I wasn't aware you could request a male/female/other, as I would have thought it was the property manager or a fill in doing the inspection, but worth asking if you feel you'd be more comfortable either way.

So lovely that you've spent time with a friend. Music therapy would be really interesting. One of my uni friends got to be involved in a music therapy program offered to women seeking shelter from DV relationships.

Well, one of the books I've received is The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown, so let's see if I can find some value in it. Fingers crossed.

Hope everything is ok and you're just in for a check up. Hugs to you and lovely Sam xo

[Hanna3]

Thanks Katy (I'm still on, just about to go out. oops!) Last time my tenancy officer was a young woman and she didn't take any photos at all, so it was completely unexpected.. I think he should have explained, and given me a chance to take personal things in the bedroom out of sight.. instead of just walking on into the room without asking me!

I went flat after my friend went home, because then I was alone in the house and it felt empty. Is that like what happens to you after having company I wonder?

hugs.

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Flat? Yes! I remember reading something of the sort in Jane Harper's novel The Lost Man. A character became a recluse, but only felt lonely after he interacted with people. That's the first time I had an aha about it. You kind of get used to being alone, but then when you do have company you feel flat after, because you remember how nice it is. Difficult, isn't it? This life...

Sending you a giant squish xo