Not coping after disclosure

[startingnew]

Please help me. Im really struggling.

last night i disclosed something that ive kept with me for 2 years now. Im already struggling with ptsd anxiety and depression but the event that i disclosed also comes under ptsd.

I rang a hotline and the first time in 2 years ive spoken about it and im so embarrassed and ashamed. I hate myself and blame myelf for it. And im terriffied! !

[Just Sara]

What a brilliant question hun!

'since being out I'm having trouble adjusting back to normality.. is this normal? Can you help me?'

Abso-bloody-lutely!!

The same thing hit me with a big stick! What I did, was see my MH case worker (psych) assigned by the hospital asap. He was my greatest ally with learning to detox from the ward.

At home, I took my med's religiously and let go of as much responsibility as I could. I fibbed about my release date to my family who were taking care of my little dog, and only left the house for essentials. I kept everything simple and easy. I didn't go off at myself for wanting to sleep or let the washing up sit overnight.

When the dog was returned he was spinning in circles and wouldn't leave my lap. He kissed my face so many times I had to shower. But it was good to see him too.

Try to continue as much of their (hosp) routine as possible and slowly edge yourself back into home life. Please tell your mum this and anyone needing you to 'do' for them ok? Promise me that at least...please?

The other thing that's important, is letting go of habits that don't offer wellness. For you to get on top of things, you'll also need to visit with your past during therapy. Only to give them a background history ok? They need that for your treatment plan to work.

Another really good habit, is to spend time overnight with a friend or in a motel/hotel. This gives you space to be you for you. I know expenses might not allow it too often, but having space away from family is so important to connect with yourself as number 1.

I'm smiling so big darl's. At least I know now that if you're in crisis again, it won't be so hard to spend another few days to get your head together. I'm relieved...

Talk soon...

Sara xo

[startingnew]

HI Starwolf
thank you for keeping an eye out, its much appreciated. It does make a difference when people esp family stop thinking that is all one big attention
seeking act. Its far from it and while they may not understand it
fully my family has finally woken up to the fact that I was
struggling so much.

[startingnew]

Hi Mrs D

thank you for
sharing your experiences through hosiptal. At least you had some
entertainment hey.. I stayed in a white walled room with a padded
chair for 9 hours staring at the walls really isnt fun.

I know people can
help now though id rather not go back to that state again. Id prefer
to keep moving forward and I know ill relapse theres still too much
anxiety for me at the moment that I find it hard to think this is all
over. And im not that dumb to think things would change that quickly.
I am glad that I have pulled through this event.

Thank you for your
persistant encouragment and support along the way as well

[startingnew]

Hi Sara

im glad to know that
not feeling 'normal' is part of coming out of hospital. It was
starting to worry me that things were going backwards instead of
forward.

I havent gotten in
to see my gp, psychiatrist or psychologist since ive been out yet
though my local mental health team has rung me to check in upon
discharge and they said will ring back next week after ive seen my
gp.

Im still stuck in
the predicament of which psychologist though. I do have a
psychologist but im not comfortable with her (she snapped at me
because during our second session I wasnt ready to tell the details
of the SA) and the new one that my mother and her bf want me to go
to. I dont want to go to her either. This will be my 6th
psychologist if I change again. I, almost ready to give up on
psychology and just stick with the coping mechanisms that I have. Its
so complicated all the time and im sick of going in circles, so I
dont know what im doing I supose theres no hurry to regain contact
with a psych at the moment.



I take my
medications every night as im suppose to and I have reminders set up
on my phone. Ive let go of abit of responsibility which Is helping
me. I couldnt lie about my release date, I had no way of getting home
and with them constantly telling me to come home I felt pressured to
leave anyway.

The hospital routine
was get up at 7 and then I was drawing until 10pm when it was lights
out and a shower thrown in there at some point and occassionally
reading one of their take 5 or thats life magazines. So really not
much of a routine and its so different being at home to being there.
I find I fall back immediatley back into the same situation if I dont
think about it or someone catches me back in the high anxiety or low
depression state. (these are still up and down and round and round
until meds fully work)

im still up in the air about a lot of things and still unsure of everything.

At the moment its
even hard for me to talk about mental health except for on here and
if I cant handle it here I wont be here, but I cant handle it it
throws me right off the edge an triggers my anxiety to the point my
prn doesnt work and I can take up to 3 of those – im on 110mg of
meds atm- 2 different meds and I really hope something really kicks
in soon

[Just Sara]

Hey there on this chilly Sunday hun;

I'm glad you're beginning to think differently. Catching yourself out is a great way to start recovery...very proud of you.

I'm also happy your med's regime is offering peace as it plays a major role in getting you back on track. Please remember PRN is only for times when nothing else works. If you become reliant on it, recovery will be slower. Having a goal to minimise them helps to focus on other techniques that'll serve you better for the long term ok?

I'm so proud of you Essen; I know I say this a lot, but you've worked hard this past week and have your family in your corner now. Use this to your advantage and things will settle in no time. Especially when you're catching yourself out thinking negatively.

Hope your weekend was calm.

Love ya...

Sara xo

[startingnew]

Hi Sara (my Sairebear)
it is pretty chilly
here and the wind is icy through the day at the moment too.


Hmm ive gotta pick
myself back up already, I seem to have hit a slump, already!

I dont know how it
can happen that fast .

The PRN I can take
morning and I also take two at night as part of the medication
regime- its an antipsychotic and sleeping tablet as well as a calmer.
So I can take one as needed as well- doesnt work that well anyway.

Im not looking to
stay on them all my life but I need to be on them at the moment. If I
dont then I think ill go backwards again as I ahvent fully learnt to
control it to a normal state yet.

Yes you do say it a lot but I dont mind, I want you to be able to say anything you like whether it be good bad ugly beautiful. Anything.

[startingnew]

Well im seeing yet another psychologist tomorrow arvo
This will be my 6th one and i dont want to go to her. I can see its going to be pointless because its mums psych. Why would i open up about her and her bf when they have already rung up and talked about my circumstances from their point of view

[Just Sara]

Oh Essen I'm sorry hun;

That situation doesn't sound even close to ideal. You have choice...I can't stress this enough. If you're not happy with going to her, then choose someone else. It's as simple as that. If your mum carries on, tell her you want privacy without intervention from her.

The whole point of therapy is to be a safe haven from outsider's. Let me know how you go my sweet. I hope things go well which ever way things pan out. I'm disappointed for you with your mum's interference. Sorry for carrying on. 😕

Hang in there beautiful...

Sara the Just xo

[startingnew]

so the appointment went ok today. I really hope she can stick to what she says she will do.

She seems to have a
good understanding of whats going on and she was gobsmacked how many
therapists ive been to in only 8 months


We discussed where
id like to go from here and getting the details and everything as
well. Though I didnt have to fully explain my home life she wanted my
side of the story. So this session was pretty much the normal initial
session which I dont mind. She explained how she works and ive made
another session.


We both went through
the boundaries that I want put in place and she said every one of
those is reasonable. And if/when my mother asks about the sesssions
to her she will be saying I think its best you ask outlander and then
changing the subject. Unless I say to her but my mums stopping
therapy now anyway she wrapping up next week for her last session.

Her 'homework' that
shes givens me to do over two weeks is to make a lsit of all my
triggers that ive identified so far and also list all of the coping
strategies I have tried and how ive used them.


So not really that
much done in the initial session but im hoping I can move forward
now. She has said there will be times like when I disclose or give
more information about certain events but shes not rushing into it.
And its set at my pace.

[startingnew]

HI Sara,

thank you for your response. i can hear your frustration and your dissapointment through your words.

it really is a pity isnt it?

i cant change my mother or her bf or anyone else who seems to want to interfere with things but i can change me and get better and make another life- well improve the one ive been given anyway- right?

this new psychologist seems like a keeper and it will hopefully keep my mother off my back. i really dont know how they are going to react when they realsie it kinda has to get worse before it gets better. i eventually have to release the full story and come to grips with it first, which that time may not come for a while yet and when it does it doesnt mean im going to be fully better. ill probably always have some sort of anxiety and ill be the prey to depression but at least ill be able to better manage it.

she told me im very intelligent- lol- she asked me do i want to change? or do i want to manage?

my repsonse was i want to be able to manage things while change is occurring.

i dont think shes gotten that response before- her jaw dropped and then stuttered a response lol.