Not coping after disclosure

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Please help me. Im really struggling.

last night i disclosed something that ive kept with me for 2 years now. Im already struggling with ptsd anxiety and depression but the event that i disclosed also comes under ptsd.

I rang a hotline and the first time in 2 years ive spoken about it and im so embarrassed and ashamed. I hate myself and blame myelf for it. And im terriffied! !

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Ive just got a reminder from my victim's of crime counsellor asking to confirm or cancel the appointment i had scheduled fot tomorrow
Now what do u guys think?

1. Go back to her even though she snapped at me
Or
2. Cancel her altogether and see how my new psych goes
Or
3. Go to both psychs as they are for two separate things

Im not sure what to do

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OK so despite having a bug or whatever it was this morning I have been quite busy

so this morning I fed all 4 horses and waited for the farrier to get their hooves trimed. So that took over an hour to do. I cleaned out the small ponies yard as well so thats cleaned.
So that took until 1ish and then come home and had lunch- my favourite dry buscuits and lemonade lol. Then at 2 I went and fed my new horse and didnt leave there until 5oclock. So ive just had a small real meal for dinner and I suppose ill find out how that goes within the next half hour or so.

Tomorrow is going to be busy and very stressful for me.

At 9oclock I have to leave to get to my SA counsellor. Ive given her one more shot but if I walk out of there and decide not to go abck I dont think theres much loss really. Im going to write out my story tonight which isnt going to be that great for me and give it to her tomorrow and hopefully she can actually help me.
When on the phone today she was rude to me too she sent me a msg saying- I need to know if your going to come to the appointment tomorrow outlander or do I have to cancel it'
I said to her 'ive been flat out so havent checked my msgs yet which at that point I didnt have time to reply, sorry for the late resopnse can I please keep the appointment'
her reply was yes outlander see you tomorrow
and tonight ive realised if I dont change it appintment to earlier ill be late to my next appointment so I msged her and asked (she doesnt finish till 7pm so I knew she was still working at that point) I asked If I could do an earlier time
her reponse was ' the earliest I can do is 930 no earlier otherwise keep the appointment for 10 or cancel it'
I asked to change it to 930 and said thank youI somehow get the feeling shes going to have a loveley attitude towards me tomorrow. I dont have a good feeling about it and how its going to go tomorrow.So then after my 930-1030 appointment tomorrow I have to go to my horse and feed her and then leave by 1 to get to my drs appointment.Im super nervous for my gp appointment tomorrow. Its the first time ive seen her since ive been released from hospital and I cant control how nervous I am. I dont know what to say or how to act or anything. I dont know what shes going to ask or act or respond to anything and it makes me nervous.

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Then ill be studying as ive just enrolled into another short course

.And I have also been offered 2 jobs today.
1 is a weekley 3 hour paddock cleaning and also help with the new aggistment owners part time horse care. So thats the same as the holiday care I have but im also working for the aggistment property owner as well who will give me specific horses and their weekly regimes etc.

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i am finally feeling abit better- i think i only had a 24hr hour bug so thank god its gone!
it seems one of the jobs have backed out or will only be from time to time now. Bad luck I suppose but what can you do hey..
so I went to the psychologists counsellor this morning and again she doesnt make me feel very comfortable and it was only a half an hour session. She doesnt help me when I ask for help or am needing direction she sits there just as awkward as I am.
Like today we talked about my hospital admission, and how life has changed but when I was asking for help she didnt know what to say and just said things like- stick up for yourself, make sure your nutrition is good. Thtas not helping me, thats telling me things I already know. So I think im best off giving her up and sticking with the one counsellor.
I went and seen my horse for a little bit and then left there.
I not long after I left the horses went to my gp appointment.
We talked about a lot of things and I feel I can talk to her. We talked about the hospital stay , whats changed now, how am I going in general, medications and a psych assessment. She thinks I wont need the mental health team to give me an assessment but my new psych could instead of running through so many different people. I need to have stable relationships with the health practitioners I have now.
I will only have to see her once a week unless I or she thinks I need to increase it again but at the moment im out of that major danger zone so thats good.
I finally made an arrangement to see my psychiatrist and I hope that doesnt bring back the paranoia again.
Ive been abit flustered this afternoon and I was given new tablets that I not long taken. They cost me 40$ to get them! I hope they bloody work casue all up just two of my tablets cost me $50 plus ill need repeats on my other tablets soon too.

this was yesterdays recount

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and today i dont know what to do with myself

im having one of those weird alot of swirling emotions but nothing in particular sort of day

i dont know really. i guess i thought i wouldve been alot better now that ive been in hospital but it was abit silly to think that- so my fault really

has anyone else had these days? what does everyone else do with these eh days

and also last night i tried the really expensive tablets and i hope after a few days the sode effects settle down : it took me a long time to get tired, then when i was tired it gave me nightmares and was up and down all through the night so it was a pretty rough night.

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i feel like ive been shoved into a corner yet again and it feels to dangerous to do or say anything atm. but these new tablets are not helping me they are actually giving me nightmares so im not rested- never have been- but this is making it worse. ive bene ahving alot of flashbacks, and grieving issues.ive also been given the news that my new horse may not ever be sound enough to ride its so hard to hear considering ive already made that bond with her. ive gotta get a body worker out and a vet and i hope the news doesnt go south from there. if it does ill have to make th choice to either let her be avery expensive paddock ornament and forking out alot of money to keep her well- more than a new sound horse would cost me to buy and keep or to give her back ive also been very greatly triggered today. ive been emeotionally supporting a friend of mine whose mum has cancer, ive been through what shes going through and im trying to help her the best she can. im just not sure how i cna help. i have the life experience there but i dont know how to take those experineces and give some good advice. i feel like a total idiot. ive managed to get my second job back now.so mondays going to wear me down quickly.monday morning i have 2 hoours paddock cleaning with one lady, then another hour with another person, then another 2 hours with another person so thats 5 hours paddock cleaning, then ive gotta scoot over to another job whihc is the holiday care which will take me another hour and i have to do my own horse as well. i dont mind atm, i think i need it. im panicking that im going backwards.no im panicking becasue i am going backwards. already!

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ive got 5 months left on the lease, ive got until then to work out the horse problem. i just hope itll be good news not bad. i hate when things like that happen and you know what, i havent had a good horse for years and years. ive always had the strays that needed fixing but i couldnt keep them or they try to destroy me like the last horse i owned who decide a neck injury would be a great deal to life and hey why your at it aim for me while going crazy so not many people can get near me.honestly i dont know why im still here, alive or still with horses.

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my nan had cancer , very aggressive cancer. i use to drive my nan and pop to all the appointments and back, even after watching her get treatment. it got to the stage she was getting to sick and decide to switch to radiation treatment. she had end stage COPD, with pretty much only one lung, nearly no vision, hard of hearing, bronchitis and asthma as well as the cancer. i wouldnt wish anyone to go through that nor families to have to watch their loved one try to give it their all to know in the end it wasnt working and only had limited time to live. it was hard for me to walk around knowing that within the next few weeks after my nan had given up treatments that she wasnt going to be here anymore. she could even lie down, she had to be seated upright, even alseep becasue she couldnt breathe otherwise, home oxygen 24/7. theres 10 levels of air flow through the machines and she was on 8, she needed to go higher but couldnt not for only the weak lung she had left.its not nice at all and it haunts me every single day that happened to her. and there wasnt a thing anyone couldve done to help her.

I am not ok

I dont know how to be ok

Who am i

Im far from ok

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im such a pathetic loser

why cant things go right for once

why cant i be well both physically and mentally

how can being 20 be so friggin hard! is this all that life has is store for me

[Guest_128]

Found you,and have been following you but my memory is not that good. I am 45,married 3 kids 27,19,16 married to the marfia. Bi polar add, and whatever else they throw at me.

I don't want to hear about your past right now.

I want to hear just about today,if you feel up to that.

Later