Not coping after disclosure

[startingnew]

Please help me. Im really struggling.

last night i disclosed something that ive kept with me for 2 years now. Im already struggling with ptsd anxiety and depression but the event that i disclosed also comes under ptsd.

I rang a hotline and the first time in 2 years ive spoken about it and im so embarrassed and ashamed. I hate myself and blame myelf for it. And im terriffied! !

[startingnew]

i dont talk much about my past now anyhow, not for a while unless it comes up in conversations somewhere

today- im a pthetic loser. i try to do the positive thinking to help keep my depression away but it doesnt work!

if things keep up, i might loose my job which really isnt what i need.

and just when i think i hahve something good now it could very well be taken away. my new horse might have a tendon injury and ive only had her a few weeks now and within the next few weeks she could be taken back becasue of the injury- have to get money together to get a vet to check her out first

then theres the stupid physical injuries playing up today. it seems no matter how muhc treatment i do to help get my physical self ok it always comes abck or it backfires!

[Guest_128]

What's doing with the gps etc and ya meds? Sounds like they need tweaking?

I got Cha now with the horses, have you researched rspca etc for help on costs?

Sorry I am very blunt,is your GP doing the best for you?

Who is your bestie?

Sorry that's a lot of questions.

[startingnew]

that ok about the questions- ask away

Im a complete mess. A complete mess for anyones age!.
Scoliosis, slipped disk, a stupid hip, sciatica, shite vision, stupid mental illness that apparently is now outta control yet again, injuries that will never heal because of a stupid DR not doing his job properly and now I have to pay for it, hpv, breast cysts that keep coming back, infections downsatirs that apparently I get all the friggin time, and now vertigo. Fat ugly and probaly eventually going to go bald What next! Honestly! I cant keep up. These things were the reason I wanted to commit suicide in the first palce. Im 20 and complete mess! Whats in store for when im older.

the meds have been tweaked but will be looked at again on thursday. im on 3 meds already and on high strength. only limited to how much more i can increase them now.

im on a mood stabiliser that helps with sleep

an antidepressent that apparently helps with sleep

a stong sleeping tablet as well

and i still hardley sleep now. i can be tored as all hell and ill still only get around 4 hours sleep, plus my mood swings are crazy

rspca cant help me with costs unless they own the horse or im getting it put down which im not.

i have a friend- not a close one but a friend who i discuss a few things with but i know my mh gets to people so i dont talk about it anymore with anyone except my gp and psychologist and psychiatrist

this gp is the best one ive had yet, the first one didnt understand mh at all and the second one id been to was at a loss with what to do with me so this third one is the best ive had she was the one who had me admitted to hospital not that long aga

[Guest_128]

Hey I am bugged,

I will chat tomorrow,

Please try thinking about riding.

Later

[startingnew]

Ok will chat tomorrow

I did respond hasnt come up yet

[solabear]

I'm so sorry about your struggles.

I agree with Later about the meds/GP. Sometimes medication needs to be adjusted. Try to talk to your GP about how you feel. The most important thing is to be stable and functional, then you can cope with challenges in life much better.

Hugs from Sola

[Guest_128]

Hey,hope you are having a better day.

Hi Sola

Startingnew, it is a top day at mine,have been thinking of you with your horse,did you get to see her today?

Have you looked into any horse clubs,riding or even just horse forums? There are heaps of horses around me and I know there are rides happening all the time?

Maybe put an add on gumtree,there could be people that are after help to tend to their horses.

I will be happy when you see your gp as I know you are not right ATM and that's not fear on you.

Later

[startingnew]

HI Solarbear and Later
thank you for the
hugs, I need them at the moment I think.

I see my gp
every week if not twice a week. Shes pretty aware of how I feel, just
not how I am at the moment, I havent had a chance to even book in
yet, I wont see her till next friday now.

Ill ask my
psychiatrist about medications on thursday, though she did say prob
not for another week yet to make sure its in my system properly.

They have already
been trippled in the week I was in hospital




ive been super busy
and now im crashed on the lounge and I dont think ill be able to move
now.

I did another 5
hours of paddock cleaning today so 10 hours in 2 days plus ALOT of
walking.

I spoke to the owner
of the property today and she has pretty much made me her right hand
man.

I take on the part
time care horses, paddock cleaning and eventually when she goes away
on holiday ill be caring for all 4 of her horses for 2 weeks. Im the
other go to person if people cant get hold of the owner. Didnt expect
that at all.


But this morning I
was completely frantic and then it turned out to be a swear word kind
day. I dont curse ever but today I found ive made up for it. I dont
know what got in to me, I just kinda exploded and was angry and
frustrated and highly anxious.





I did get to see my
horse today for about half an hour, shes so spoilt and decided that
while I was doing her rug she would take a chunk out of my back- she
bit me.


I was in a riding
club for 8 years and I joined back up again for another 3 years but
there arent many people my age in there now and it kinda bores me
after 11 years of doing the same thing. And I cant ride this new
horse anyway. I might end up having to give her up at the end of the
lease because she might have a tendon injury- might only be a good
paddock ornament and an extremely expensive one at that.

And no im not right at the moment, I dont know what im doing or who I am or where to go from here. i dont know what to feel or what i feel.

At the moment I am nothing, a blank piece of sh*t walking around the house

[Guest_128]

Well hello there,

Haven't you had a very full on day, That's awesome,hard physical work and such a beautiful day. I am at my best working hard outside. I loved hearing about the work you have been doing,your boss sounds really nice and she must be happy with you putting you in charge with things.

Yeah I get the whole my little pony club but look around,my brother in law (52) goes on rides with his wife,

Hang in there with all the Dr stuff,you are doing great.Stop beating yourself up.

Go have a nice hot bath,curl up,watch something funny or music and have a good night sleep. Don't watch any crap and stay of bs media.

Later

[startingnew]

HI Later

i think i might have over done it abit today though. i ahvent done that much 2 days straight about to be a third one tomorrow. and with all the health issues im having atm im afriad what is going to come of it now. for a 20yr old my health is bloody shocking!

i still ride and exercise them, trail riding and shows but after doing the same pony club stuff for 11 years gets abit oring for me and esp when most are 15 and under.

im still hanging in there- hanging by the finest of threads. im afraid what will happen next if it snaps. probably end up back in hospital- id never live that down i tell ya

i keep arguing with my mother and she makes me frantic. today while i was paddock cleaning i had 10 missed calls and 6 msgs in under half an hour!!!! i thought it was emergent but instead she wanted to argue and complain that i wasnt coming out for lunch with her and her bf- ended up going- waste of time maccas had better food and a heap load cheaper too!

then when i got home she complains i was out too late.

get a job but im out to late- makes perfect sense doesnt it. cant friggin win!