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Introducing mmMekitty

mmMekitty
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

I am mmMekitty, named for my cat, (my avatar), who lived 7 years. It has been five or so years since, but I still miss her. Mekitty an I had a simpler relationship than any I have had with people.

The photo is the one I to retrieved after my hard drive crashed. She had wandered off, was away for six days, when she turned up again in the middle of the night. I cried with relief. This was the photo I used for her Lost Cat poster I put up around the neighbourhood at the time.

As for me, I cannot see the detail of the photo nearly as well as I did then, and then my sight was poor. I am now using text-to-speech software, zooming on my pc, voice over. Since I find this stuff difficult, I get really frustrated.

I used to keep all my emotions in check, so much so, I thought and said I did not have any feelings or reactions to anything. That changed and I could not deny the existence of my emotions. It was a terrifying time. What was happening to me? I was falling apart and all this unidentifiable stuff was pouring out.

I have had to learn so much since I began seeing the Psychiatrist I saw back then (1993 - 95). From learning I had to put words to the experiences, name, own, accept them. Still uncomfortable. I beat up on myself too much, I know.

I used to do things I can no longer do to my own satisfaction. I still sing, but not like I used to. I cannot paint like I did. I cannot use pen and paper to write, so have managed to adapt to keyboard. That is something. I have been working on being more sociable, less isolated, but last year, when COVID-19 retrictions required face masks be worn, I found I could not - which is what brings me here.

I have had to curtail so much of what I had been doing. I am feeling the isolation now. How ironic! I resisted even thinking I needed anybody, then I try to have some friends, join a writers' group, get help with things like housework and shopping, going to places for fun and entertainment, only to have to withdraw again because I cannot wear a mask. It bites, like a scorpion.

I will make a thread, now I found the place to click to create one! I think my problem was with how I have my desktop appearance. It looks like any ordinary link, hiding below another, for creating a feed link. Now I know.

I suppose I will get around to talking more about myself. I will need to be careful about how involved I become, so please, don't expect me to pop up everywhere. I would burn out if I did that.

(Purring) mmMekitty

772 Replies 772

Hanna3
Community Member

Hi mmMekitty

Do you have any reason to think your psych is sick? I hope you're feeling better today and that the weather is wsrming up where you are. I hope those noisy neighbours are keeping quiet! Wet and cold where I am.

Just popped by to say a quick hello. 🌞🐩

mmMekitty
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Hanna,

Thanks for dropping by - you are always welcome.

To answer your questions: No, of-course I have no reason to think he's sick. He tells me nothing of his own wellbeing, anything going one in his life, nothing.

I only made a mountain out of the fact he had never changed the leave dates after he has told me when they will be, & rarely, 2-3 times over a decade, has he asked if I would agree to reschedule our session appointments.

I tend to get fearful 'something' with happen when he goes on leave. I dread his breaks, for the 'usual' fears of one of us taking ill, or him not returning, or worse, I also fear some event will happen that I might feel unable to cope with, too. The worst thing I fear is that he won't return, & co-incidentally 'something' will have happened that I will feel my need to talk to him more keenly as well.

These thoughts & feelings bring out my deeper fears of being abandoned, alone & having to find ways of coping with whatever might happen, by myself.

It doesn't help a lot to know I am not so alone as I once was.

It had taken me a long time to admit that I need someone sometimes. It is still difficult to tell people when I need help, or to talk, or really, for most everything. I've had to learn, or not ever have some needs met.

That's an issue in itself.

*

Bit rainy at times, but okay, I think, so it felt quite cool today, but I didn't get to the park again. Hopefully, next Monday, after I go to the appointment with the Sourgeon (see what she says).

Keep you & Sam warm, out of the rain, & give you both hugzies from me. 😺

mmMekitty

ecomama
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Dear Kitty, sounds like things are really tough for you in so many ways. 
Adding to this your deep concern for your Psych bubbling up, HUGS!!! 

 

Kitty I'm so sorry. It's really hard thinking that someone we rely upon could be unwell. It can produce a LOT of anxiety in us. 
I feel the same way about my Counsellor, who is calling in a minute. I have no idea how I'd cope if she stopped working and that was it. 
She's older than me, so could easily be retirement age. 

 

My psych friend said that it's the BIGGEST compliment for a therapist to know how much they mean to their clients. I can honestly say that I love my Counsellor, she's one of the kindest, most patient and caring souls on earth. 

 

So I truly get what you're saying. 

 

Also that stuff about learning to name emotions back in the 90s. You stating that you were never really an emotional being.... only to have emotions bubble up and overflow lately. 
You know, that's okay Kitty. 
To be honest if you DIDN'T have emotions about the stressors you've faced more and more recently then I'd be thinking "Is Kitty okay?"

 

We can't ALWAYS self regulate our emotions because we are human beings. 

 

I really admire you Kitty. Even with your physical and health challenges, you remain bright and cheerful on the forums for others like ME, so thankyou. You also show a brilliantly furtive and creative mind. 

 

Will pop back in soon
Love EM

mmMekitty
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Thank you EM.

The thing that gets me is that I have gone into this therapeutic relationship with my PDr, firmly thinking, this is a 'business' relationship, & I could keep my distance, like I have done before, with every Psychiatrist I've seen, I go in feeling well-guarded against the relationship being anything 'personal', even if I am talking of personal things.

Over time, slowly, silently, very sneaky like, I begin to feel an attachment towards the Psychiatrist, which I don't see until, the first long break, like over Xmas & New Year, & I realise my feelings of dread & abandonment, which have shocked me at the time.

This Psychiatrist I have now, twigged to this earlier than I did, & he asked me about how I felt when he has a break, bringing it to my attention. & this goes on for years, now, so I know now, my world is not 'going to fall apart' & I can manage even while I don't feel his being 'there' even in the background. I still fear I won't cope. That I'll need him & he won't be there. 

I get afraid of talking about it, as if doing so will be what causes him to leave. We both know it's something I need to talk about, so he still brings it up. I try sometimes, but it's so hard.

& the, my fears can seem so ridiculous it's embarrassing. I'm an adult, now, aint' I? I've learned a lot over the years & KNOW I can indeed cope with more than I think I can.

 

Anyway - I think these feelings are important to talk over, me with my PDr & you with your Counsellor.

 

I got more research to do tomorrow. & then there's the weekend? I'll see if I can write more then.

many Hugzies to spread around!

mmMekitty

mmMekitty
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi all,

Briefly, yesterday my helper & I saw the GP, the Pharmacist, got advice from each, now I have to figure out how to get more help to implement the plan, because if I can I'll try that expensive option my Surgeon recommended, before opting for a more expensive & invasive surgical option. If the pharmaceutical option works without being too uncomfortable, (side-effects), I won't need the surgery I have been contemplating.

 

My left eye has been stinging, so I'll leave it there for now...

Just something that happens occasionally, & ought to clear up in a day or few.

 

mmMekitty

Hello mmMekitty,

 

I thought I would pop by with some 🐻 hugs & the odd 🍫 or two...

 

Woofa sends some very friendly nose bops

 

 

ecomama
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hey Kitty and a wave to Paws and a BIG pat for Woofa! 

 

Possibly in the absence of close familial relationships, a treating MH professional whom we have a good relationship, can fill that void? 
Is that how you feel? 

 

I've always selected female practitioners because of the nature of the most horrendous and recent offences being perpetrated by a male. I just feel safer all round interacting with female practitioners of any kinds. 
Although my Chiro is male, I've had the same skilled Chiro for almost 20y so the trust has been built there already. 

 

It makes sense that you're uncomfortable discussing these deeply personal feeling with the person those feelings are attached to. 
Not sure I'd do this myself, but I'm me and you can do whatever you feel is the right course of action Kitty. 

 

Oh I tell my Counsellor my thoughts of admiration towards her. I do label the traits I've noticed throughout our sessions. I know we've built a "bond" of types but it still remains very professional. 
I doubt I could have been so open and honest with her without this bond. 

 

Do you feel there's a "grey area" that's been crossed by your own emotional attachment? 

 

Sometimes dear Kitty, especially during adulthood, we do need to work out our healthy boundaries. This is nothing to be ashamed of, truly. 

 

You're human as we all are. 

 

Hope your eye heals soon! 
Seems like a good idea to take the course of least medical intervention initially, then see how that goes. 
I'm not one to jump in the deep end either. 

 

Love EMxxxx

mmMekitty
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Thanks Paws, whose 🐻hugs make me feel so warm & Woofa, whose nose bops make me giggle

& EM, whose love & xxx's are so kind & generous,

 

I realised I had to do some more grocery shopping, & took ages, then got stuck trying to place my order. After trying several times, I phoned & eventually found out there was a problem at the shopping centre where my groceries would be coming from, & well, I don't know why it messed up the system in the way it did, but it means I might not know if I can get my groceries until Tuesday at the earliest, (which was when when I had decided to aim for anyway, hoping I don't finish my milk before!) I just have to try again until the system functions again.

Too much, so I have tried to relax the rest of today. Listening to silly old sci-fi books, written when mem were men & women were girls, if they were lucky. Really NOT PC!

Late now, so goodnight, all.

mmMekitty

ecomama
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hello Kitty, you're most welcome to TONS of love and hugs!! 

 

I can only imagine how frustrating getting groceries can be for you now. 

Perhaps the issues with the Supermarket were from "supply issues"... when I went grocery shopping last night I was shocked to see so many whole sections completely empty. Here we go again. 

 

I know where my kids work they're having extreme difficulty with staffing. There are plenty of staff on the books but I'm beginning to come to my own conclusions that... many youth (and no doubt other demographics) are struggling with anxiety which flows on to being unable to show up to work and an inability for people to learn how to do job roles effectively and efficiently. 

 

That's what I'm concluding from the conversations I'm having with my kids and their friends who work with them and also at my own work. 

 

So even some of the routine tasks in many many workplaces are not being done in a timely manner, any more. 

 

I believe that many people are suffering from "trauma responses" from the pandemic and all it entailed for them, and they don't realise this. 

 

Anyway that's my deep understandings of things in all places being more "clunky" lol. 

 

I really wanted to pop in to your thread most especially this morning to bump in some support and understanding for you. 
I LOVE that you're on the forums. 
I APPRECIATE how difficult it must be to engage on the forums. 

 

It just rained again and my boys' big birthday party is on tonight so ughhhh. 

 

Love, hugs and caring
EM

mmMekitty
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi EM, 

😸I know you won''t read this now - "Happy Birthday, boys!"  - I wasn't sure about saying what I was told on the phone. It wasn't what you think. Although, the reasons orders could not be transferred to be completed & delivered from another store or two, could well relate to something you have mentioned.

I tried again this morning, & I was able to complete my order as per usual, so I'm guessing the store was not too badly affected by the problem. I'm sure that's a relief for everyone there, as it is for us customers relying on these deliveries, as I do, because I can't suddenly 'click & collect' for myself - too much to carry on a bus! (Even if I wanted to).

*

Trying to do more research today, feeling like it's going to be so difficult to do what I want, whether it's finding someone to help with the medication I could try, or with finding an Elliptical Cross Trainer, which has got features that i can use, & is not too expensive, or too large, & then which I can have assembled for me. So far, only one site even mentions that they could help find a technician who could assemble the thing. The machines on their website are all but one, below $1000.,

*

& I got some washing done, actually put some old stuff into a bag to get rid of, had a warm pasta salad today (feeling like winter today), & checking my online bank account for any unexpected activity. What else can I do? 

But I was getting tired, wanting to nap. As much as I feel tired, napping does not help me to be more active throughout the day.

& I feel sort of moody, low, & don't really want to talk - but I'm trying, here, because if I don't I feel I could be figuritively be falling down the stairs.

Time is getting away, as this announcement I hear about when my "content was last autosaved", whenever I pause for a mo to think what I can write next. Time seems to go so fast sometimes, like when I'm writing.

*

At the moment, EM, I was thinking about stone fruit, or if I can successfully freeze capsicum. can you credit green capsicum is currently more expensive than the red or yellow?)  Maybe cucumber? Not sure about that one. I've never seen commercially frozen cucumber.

 

Hugzies EM & all,

mmMekitty