Introducing mmMekitty

[mmMekitty]

I am mmMekitty, named for my cat, (my avatar), who lived 7 years. It has been five or so years since, but I still miss her. Mekitty an I had a simpler relationship than any I have had with people.

The photo is the one I to retrieved after my hard drive crashed. She had wandered off, was away for six days, when she turned up again in the middle of the night. I cried with relief. This was the photo I used for her Lost Cat poster I put up around the neighbourhood at the time.

As for me, I cannot see the detail of the photo nearly as well as I did then, and then my sight was poor. I am now using text-to-speech software, zooming on my pc, voice over. Since I find this stuff difficult, I get really frustrated.

I used to keep all my emotions in check, so much so, I thought and said I did not have any feelings or reactions to anything. That changed and I could not deny the existence of my emotions. It was a terrifying time. What was happening to me? I was falling apart and all this unidentifiable stuff was pouring out.

I have had to learn so much since I began seeing the Psychiatrist I saw back then (1993 - 95). From learning I had to put words to the experiences, name, own, accept them. Still uncomfortable. I beat up on myself too much, I know.

I used to do things I can no longer do to my own satisfaction. I still sing, but not like I used to. I cannot paint like I did. I cannot use pen and paper to write, so have managed to adapt to keyboard. That is something. I have been working on being more sociable, less isolated, but last year, when COVID-19 retrictions required face masks be worn, I found I could not - which is what brings me here.

I have had to curtail so much of what I had been doing. I am feeling the isolation now. How ironic! I resisted even thinking I needed anybody, then I try to have some friends, join a writers' group, get help with things like housework and shopping, going to places for fun and entertainment, only to have to withdraw again because I cannot wear a mask. It bites, like a scorpion.

I will make a thread, now I found the place to click to create one! I think my problem was with how I have my desktop appearance. It looks like any ordinary link, hiding below another, for creating a feed link. Now I know.

I suppose I will get around to talking more about myself. I will need to be careful about how involved I become, so please, don't expect me to pop up everywhere. I would burn out if I did that.

(Purring) mmMekitty

[Hanna3]

Mr Croix my sincere apologies, I have only just found your post two weeks late!!!! 

[Ggrand]

Dear lovely mmMeKitty….

I just read your last post here….and so very much want to give you a caring and understanding hug….mmMeKitty you are a very amazing and beautiful person with a caring heart…..I can relate to the hurt you feel when reading/listening to other community members who are doing it hard….Being an empathetic person can cause us a lot of emotional stress and hurt….It’s so very important that you take care of your beautiful self….

Sorry I haven’t been to your thread…..I’m learning things here….slowly but surely we will get there….

Kind thoughts, love and lots of care sweet Kitty 🐱..

Grandy..

[mmMekitty]

Hi Grandy,

Thank you for your own warm & caring thoughts.

That's the main thing I want to say right now.

💖💖💖💖💖💖 for you & furbabies,

💖💖💖💖for Hanna, too,

💖💖💖💖💖💖.💖💖for DB, Croix, Paws, & anyone...

Just imagine you got a 3D printer & we can make as many of these 💖as are wanted.

mmMekitty

[Hanna3]

Hi mmMekitty and all,

I'm just trying to leave this message to try to bookmark the most recent post here. My laptop has died and I only have my phone to access the forums and the discussions aren't in any time order on the phone, they're all mixed up and I have to wade through pages of posts trying to find the most recent. It makes no difference requesting newest first! I didn't have this problem on the old forums. Thanks mmMekitty! 🙂🐱🐅

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear mmMeKitty…💕🤗…

Theres no need to reply nor say anything lovely lady…

Just take good care of you…and know in your heart that you are loved and cared for here…

If you need to talk…we are all here for you…

Hugs n love 🤗💜..

Grandy..

[mmMekitty]

😺Very good, Hanna. Hope you can revive your laptop. I also hope you have been backing up all your data & info from your laptop to an external storage device. Very sorry if you have not & if you cannot get the laptop working again. If you can get it working again, but think it's time for a new laptop, you might think about getting an external storage device, so no info or data will be lost. I'm sure it's possible to transfer pretty much everything from old to new laptops, but don't ask me how. It's possible with phones, it's possible with desktop PCs, so I imagaine it's possible with laptops & tablets too.

Always happy to see you & Sam around the place. It's one thing that helps to make this space feel 'homey', when people & their furbabies wander in & out, & even sit awhile, chat & such. You are welcome anytime. 😺

💖💖💖💖

mmMekitty

[mmMekitty]

*sigh_ I get tired very quickly with the technical hiccups. I spend too much time , even when I respond to the "Authentication Fail" by clicking 'My Discussions' & reloading this one, so I can write another post here. There's another few minutes I didn't want to use this way.

*

I'm just thinking how I might imagine this place like a large, very open, house, lots of rooms, lots of windows, for the ventilation, which apparently very important if you want to evade COVID-19's latest strains. I imagine people & their very socialised furbabies able to wander in & out whenever they like. I'm happy to welcome anyone; no permission is necessary. 😺

That's the appeal of the space, but it's also the feeling I have that it is all in my imagination, rather like a dream, & none of it is real.

Which is what I fear for the relationships I have in my real world, too - that they can up & disappear in an instant, &, sometimes, have proven to have not been the relationships I thought them to be.

It's the problem of poor memories, too. Even though I am aware how my memory fails so often, I nevertheless feel, when people seem to forget me, to forget they said they would call, or send an eamil, or do something, as my helper has been doing, I feel their care & consideration for me is not what I thought. My mind is interpreting their memory lapses as evidence of the relationship not being as I have imagined/expected. & here come the feelings of abandonment. 

Try as I might, to keep a certain emotional distance, I like her more than if our relationship was strictly carer-client.

I return to the need for someone to care. It's a difficult thing for me, thinking someone cares, or thinking they don't. I'm uncomfortable either way.

These thoughts are like a lot of loose threads, with a common source, which I think is about my insecurity, my fear of abandonment, which makes for a fear of closeness & needing the relationships I have lost, or not had, or wish I had? I don't know precisely. 

It's like I want my relationship with my PDr to be him being there, like a parent I never had be there for me ALL the time, in heart & mind. When he has a break, it's like I am alone again, & it's all a dream, & it's so very disappointing & painful.

My helper is away this month, & similar feeling are rolling in.

....

mmMekitty

[Croix]

Dear mmMekitty~

It is very hard to read posts and link them up with the real peole that wrote them - in a sense it is almost dreamlike. Your mind supplies information the is missing in texts (as in a dream you might) but would probably be available if you were talking face to face.

Your idea of the Forum being like an open house is probably not a bad one. The only thing worth mentioning is you have a nucleus of visitors who have turned up, with or wihtout furry companions, time and time again in the past year or so. They are -  as your brain knows if not your heart - as real and substantial as anyone anywhere.

Yes I guess anyone can disappear from one's life, and it leaves a hole if you liked them or they liked you -or you relied on their presence . It does not mean that liking was false, or even something to be avoided.

The warmth is still there in memory, and not always related to the disappearance.

I may be wrong but I suspect due to your past, and current circumstances you do not get the opportunities to be with others in person as often as many are, and as a result feel the relationships you have more intensely.

All I can say is you have real friendships here, and I am one of them

Have a penguin as a token of my esteem🐧 (This is of course a huge sacrifice)

Croix

[ecomama]

Hey mmMeKitty, is it okay with you if I call you Kitty? 
Such a cute name for a cute person! 

Please don't feel bad if you can't keep up with the threads you contributed to. 
We can all feel overwhelmed with all the people needing support here. So many of us want to "be there" for people reaching out in their most vulnerable states. We can only do "so much". 

And here comes my favourite lately... "Oxygen mask on self first". 

I can relate to alot of what you expressed in your previous post about things occurring that trigger abandonment. Even moreso about wanting close relationships then being terrified when they happen. 
Apparently, according to Brene Brown, this is normal. She calls it "foreboding joy". 
Her advice is that WHEN we feel this trembling fear... we lean into it with GRATITUDE. 

I hope you can listen to some of her talks on YouTube, she's truly remarkable and uses her research to make SENSE of the spectrum of human emotions and situations we go through because we're human. 
I love her humour too! 
She also has a GREAT Podcast. 

Talk soon, stay warm
Love Ecomama xxxx

[mmMekitty]

Hello everyone,

I've heard Judith Durham (The Seekers & her own solo career), died Aug 5, 2022, aged 79. Should any of them happen to be reading, I'd like to offer my deepest sympathies & condolences to her family & friends.

I'm struck by my own reaction to hearing of her death on the news this afternoon. Songs, with her singing lead, with the Seekers come to mind, songs I'd enjoye singing myself.

In grade 9, our music & choir mistress, (as she was known in the early 1970s), challenged us to sing songs others thought too difficult. One of these was "The Carnival is Over". Some of those harmonies were a stretch. With her instruction, together with the way The Seekers performed the song, with the harmonies clear enough for us to follow, I'm proud to say, we succeeded.

I am certain there is a place in many people's hearts, not only Australian people, but people around the world, who will be sharing some sadness, & more than a few happy memories & associations around Judith Durham, her voice & for the person she was.

mmMekitty