Introducing mmMekitty

[mmMekitty]

I am mmMekitty, named for my cat, (my avatar), who lived 7 years. It has been five or so years since, but I still miss her. Mekitty an I had a simpler relationship than any I have had with people.

The photo is the one I to retrieved after my hard drive crashed. She had wandered off, was away for six days, when she turned up again in the middle of the night. I cried with relief. This was the photo I used for her Lost Cat poster I put up around the neighbourhood at the time.

As for me, I cannot see the detail of the photo nearly as well as I did then, and then my sight was poor. I am now using text-to-speech software, zooming on my pc, voice over. Since I find this stuff difficult, I get really frustrated.

I used to keep all my emotions in check, so much so, I thought and said I did not have any feelings or reactions to anything. That changed and I could not deny the existence of my emotions. It was a terrifying time. What was happening to me? I was falling apart and all this unidentifiable stuff was pouring out.

I have had to learn so much since I began seeing the Psychiatrist I saw back then (1993 - 95). From learning I had to put words to the experiences, name, own, accept them. Still uncomfortable. I beat up on myself too much, I know.

I used to do things I can no longer do to my own satisfaction. I still sing, but not like I used to. I cannot paint like I did. I cannot use pen and paper to write, so have managed to adapt to keyboard. That is something. I have been working on being more sociable, less isolated, but last year, when COVID-19 retrictions required face masks be worn, I found I could not - which is what brings me here.

I have had to curtail so much of what I had been doing. I am feeling the isolation now. How ironic! I resisted even thinking I needed anybody, then I try to have some friends, join a writers' group, get help with things like housework and shopping, going to places for fun and entertainment, only to have to withdraw again because I cannot wear a mask. It bites, like a scorpion.

I will make a thread, now I found the place to click to create one! I think my problem was with how I have my desktop appearance. It looks like any ordinary link, hiding below another, for creating a feed link. Now I know.

I suppose I will get around to talking more about myself. I will need to be careful about how involved I become, so please, don't expect me to pop up everywhere. I would burn out if I did that.

(Purring) mmMekitty

[Paw Prints]

Hello mmMekitty,

I wish I had words to help with your simmering, churning thoughts.... know I am listening.

You have not simply survived lass... despite everything you are a kind, caring, generous soul with a wonderfully playful sense of mischief... 

Love & hugs

Paws

Woofa sends nose bops 

[ecomama]

Dear Kitty, about the trigger warning stuff... hugs. Life can be so difficult o navigate at the best of times with those of us who've experienced bad stuff. 

These memories churning in your head seem to be "intrusive thoughts" which keep us extra vigilant, it's exhausting. 
You're in FINE company here and you belong here with us. 
I haven't disclosed so much that's happened in my life. Some is extremely similar to what you've described & Grandy too. 
BUT we aren't "those people". We resisted and fought against it, because we knew on some level that what was happening was wrong. 
Then we escaped. 

None of this is your fault. None of it. I want you to know that with every cell in your being. 

I'm sorry if what I wrote has triggered you (and Grandy). 
I've spent so many decades being a "Mandatory Reporter" that I don't know what it's like being a "civilian", not knowing what to do with instincts and some information. 

Of course, nowadays, you CAN report any stuff you feel is even bordering on illegal. It's not up to civilians to do the investigating, that's all on the Authorities with the powers and responsibilities to do. 
Not us. Not you. 

YES! Please get a Social Worker asap! They need to keep track of all your needs and assist you by including ALL of these in your next NDIS application. 
I would like a Counsellor to be included also, for you. 

If you could cope with phone call sessions, it could reduce your needs for help getting to sessions? 

Love always
EMxxxx

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear mmMeKitty, Paws and everyone….🤗…

I really am sorry mmMeKitty that you went through what you did….also want to apologise if me talking about my latest ptsd downer, triggered your trauma you experienced….

Wanted to give you a gentle, caring and warm hug sweet mmMeKitty…

along with my love and care..

Grandy,,

[smallwolf]

Hey Kitty, It's not much, but I want you to know that i am listening and thinking of you. Rest peacefully!

[mmMekitty]

Hi Grandy, with equally gentle hugzies, dear heart. Please, never think you need to apologise for voicing anything you feel a need to say, your feelings, nor your opinions.

I very much appreciate your care & concern.

I think I've taken a leaf from my PDr's book. He insists that any discomfort, upset, shock or anything like that, which he might experience because of something I said or how I express myself, is HIS responsibility. In turn, I am responsible for my own thoughts & feelings following what anyone says here on BB. If I have a problem dealing with my own responses, I have my PDr to turn to for help.

As it was, though, he's been on a break for a couple weeks, so I couldn't talk to him until today.

I'm able to step back now, I understand & know I was not to blame for the actions of others. Nothing I did was 'asking for it'.

I'm not sure I can keep myself safe, so, in response to so much abuse, in an effort to protect myself, I decided, no more intimate relationships. It seems a far better idea to be a single person, not even looking.

I'm sorry you had the misfortune to meet such a horrible person - one who I am dumbfounded to think is the same species as us. The idea that these people are all human, too, dismays me, so much recently.

I find it hard to fathom the violence some humans do to other humans, especially against little kids...  things like the violence humans are capable of & go on to do, bring me to tears.

Thinking of what you, EM, & others have had in your lives, too, brings me to tears. I do need some time to deal with the strong emotions. I emphasize, I am & will be okay.

More hugzies?

mmMekitty

[mmMekitty]

Thank Woofa for the nose ops! & Paws for your supportive words, EM for your consideration,.

One thing I wish I'd known back, even back before I left home, is that I'd been educated to know what, where & how to report. I didn't get a clue, or so it seemed to me, about even the idea of reporting suspect behaviour I might know something about.

But I did have a clue. When I was 14, & my friend had all the info she needed when she had to use it. Sadly, not to report her father, but to protect him from her mother. It shocks me still to think of the 13 yr old girl thinking she had to do that, & then had the courage to do it. I keep thinking how it must have broken her heart.

She & I had never spoken of that day. She never told me how she came by the phone number she had for a specific policeman.

If a kid can't trust the adults around them or even their siblings, not knowing if they can trust anyone, I think we grow up not knowing the signs, not 'feeling' when we are truly safe or in danger; it's all confused. I still feel I could not trust my instincts, as a child, as a teenager, & into my adulthood, & I'm not sure yet. 

*

Also, thank you, Wolfie, (for not bringing your fleas to dine on me), being here, with your quiet & gentle presence. You are welcome here anytime. We'll see if your nose bops are like  Woofa's, eh? Or Grandy's adorable furbabies? How is Ebony, Grandy? 

Tha'ts all for now.

Hugzies for anyone?

mmMekitty

[mmMekitty]

I'm going to have my NDIS plan reviewed, although I know already, over the phone, that they will not include any funding towards getting someone to give me the injections, nor for a gym membership, nor if I find an elliptical cross trainer, which had settings I could learn (with help) how to use.

My need to lose weight & get fit is 'medical' & not directly related to my blindness, which was my primary reason to have NDIS support, so they won't fund these costs.

Anyway, I want to cover more hours & to find a support co-ordinator to help with finding one or two more support workers to help get me out. If I can do that, I could pay for gym membership, & (most importantly) use it.

In any event, I still want to find a machine for myself, to use at home.

Getting knocked back, brings up the feelings of not being worth it. I feel I'm asking too much.

The only way I'm going to have what I think I need is to pay for it all myself. Stuff the Gov. That's just how I feel. It upsets me to still have such feelings.

Anyway, push on... still trying to find an armchair that is not going to have me sitting low to the floor... you know, I'd like one on wheels or one I could slide on the floor, move from one place to another in my room & not even bother with an office chair which can take my weight... but then again, I like to be able to fully adjust the chair.

Decisions, decisions.

It looks like I can't have the injections, not without paying a relatively enormous amount to get them into me, more than 5X the amount of the injections themselves, myself. Remember the medication itself is not covered under the MBS.

Even my PDr gasped when I told him what I'd been quoted by one organisation which does a lot of home care/nursing. I expected it might be more, but not as much as it was, for half hour visits, supposedly from people who may well be in the area, visiting other clients, already.

Meanwhile, I'm sorry I'm not keeping up with, or talking much with anyone here lately. I think of people here, frequently, wishing I could simply take more time at my PC, like between doing some exercise, lunch, other personal care - & getting out yesterday, taking so long to do a few things... then with my helper helping, making a couple phone calls. it took so long!

mmMekitty

[ecomama]

Hey Kitty, sorry it's taken a while to catch up on your thread, back to work now, it's busy. 

Have you thought of asking your Dr to refer you to the local Community Nurse? 
They're free. One of my relatives did this job for years and now my friend does it. 
So one of their roles is to administer prescribed meds for those who need that support. I think you need that support! Just an idea to ask your GP next time? 

I just want to say PLEASE don't take any rejection of funding as personal, although I can see it's hard as many others are triggered by this also on the forums. 
Hence it's more a "shared human experience" because any one of us who've been in situations to need to apply for funding have an almost 100% chance of being knocked back at some point along the road. 
Man, I sent paperwork back FOUR times to the Family Law Court for Financial Hardship Funding and one face to face response by a rude and uneducated being there (why they'd have such people working there is beyond me truly)... he said "but you're paying Lawyers and Barristers so you can afford these bills too" pffft... I responded "It's BECAUSE I have to pay for legal representation that the Courts DEMAND I have, that I can't in any way afford this TOO!"... it was approved lol. 4th time pushed it through. Thoroughly exhausting stuff. 

I'd applied for Hardship EVERY WHERE I could through those years. Seriously everywhere. 

Signing off for tonight, I need some R&R after a great but intense week. 

Love EMxxxx

[Croix]

Dear mmMekitty~

The number of people that NDIS has harmed by unreasonable and uncoordinated refusals is untold. So many think that a refusal is a reflection on them - they don't desrve it or it is being greedy or just something one has to put up with.

None of the things you mention are unreasonable in the slightest.

Sadly NDIS does not talk to other services and it takes a skilled specialist to put the right words in the right boxes, simply laying out the facts is not effective.

It is not you, it is a  system that does not assist people, just goes though a series of labels.

The more you can find in other areas.  EM's suggestion of the Community Nurse is an excellent example and would work well in my area, as is her suggestion that repeated applications have a chance, just leaving it never does.

The only downside of course is the heavy toll it has on one's well being (and expense) to keep trying)

How about I lend you an inebriated kiwi to give those injections? Thier beaks are certainly sharp enough

Croix

[mmMekitty]

Hi Croix, EM, & all,

Methinks, Croix, the beaks of kiwis is the reason you so distain the humble penguins (only just occurs to me, eh hehehe at myself.)

You been feeling better again? 

I'll look into community nurses - thanks EM & Croix. Wonder why people I speak to haven't mentioned this as an option?

It's so frustrating as I recall how much was said about us people with disabilities being given this new NDIS so we could have the support we need, when we need - only to realise THEY have the final say.

It's great to see you, EM, so active & interested in so many good things. I keep meaning to ask how are the Futsal players going? With all this rain, now, I suppose training & games have been postponed.

You have got me interested in community gardens, too, but there are none very near me. I think it's a wonderful thing to grow your own, as you do in your own garden, & how you support your local community garden.

I don't remember ever sorting out the food scraps for our chooks... now, I've wondered, & hope we didn't make them sick.

*

My book reading had stopped, (as if the signal was not strong enough to keep the internet site working), & this morning I woke from a dream, a dream where I was being admitted into hospital again, with the staff concerned I had cancer again, & even before going to the ward, they are plugging all sorts into me, some things very uncomfortable, too. I can see, as if from outside my body, I have palm size red rings of dots on my chest, one on each side, & they want to see if there are any more, want to keep me there, prepare me for surgery, even before they are sure there is anything, but they seem so so sure, even while telling me it's just a precaution, just in case... so much fear, but I'm holding it back, having a laugh, asking about when I can get fed, but also about what I can do to distract myself, without my phone'es charger, to keep my phone running, or being able to access the tele. & I don't like that I have none of my own clothes - just hospital garb.

Have my audiobooks kept me from more such dreams?

I am sleeping somewhat better still...

mmMekitty