I'm really trying to feel better about myself

[Music_Freak]

I don't know where to start with this, there's so much in my head right now...

I've got nothing, but my cat...no job, no friends, far from a family priority etc. etc.

My mum died 10 years ago on 26.2 and I still miss her so badly, she was the only person I had who was in my corner. Everyone else (family, friends that currently aren't talking to me) say I play the victim and am all "woe is me"

My sister's said I look like a silverback gorilla and other such things. She's a bully who gets away with it all, because she's the favourite and "normal" (kids, married, no mental illness - although I have doubts about that last one). My dad's called me fat and said that "You're bent like your mother" (she was bipolar). He lives with me and getting him to do anything is such a battle, he doesn't feel like paying the rent, so it's left to me, goes to work when he feels like it, helps my sister with her house but won't with me etc. etc. etc....I could go on and on with them!!

I have a GP and a psychologist that I should go back to (sessions are free and they're within walking distance), but I wonder if it's worth it when my psychologist said me running an instagram account for a celebrity is me living in fantasy land

I won't write any more, because I can't see anyone replying. I've got nothing and nobody and just want to forget...

[Music_Freak]

I had to write about my upbringing in the child development tutorial for this week...that wasn't much fun.

Bi polar mother, alcoholic father, heroin addicted half brother, sister that up and left home when I was 16 while I was dealing with all of these things, because she couldn't cope anymore blah, blah, blah...oh boy, talk about being messed up. What a wonderful family I've got - yep that's dripping with sarcasm. My mum was fantastic when she was well (after all she was all I had, friends never hung around like they did for my bleeep of a sister), so “well mum” isn't a part of what I'm saying here.

Yeah, I hope there's something I can offer others to help, being a social worker...I had nobody, ever. But a sister without a conscience and who just never really cared and a dad that didn't pay rent and left me in debt.

[smallwolf]

I wrote an email to my psychologist about my upbringing. It was no where close to yours, but it did join the dots between quite a few things about me and about my life.

And while it is likely painful to relive old memories, it could be part of a healing process for yourself? And that lived experience can also be useful later on as you will have an understanding about what clients tell you.

My own brother is self centred and he admits that. I was talking to my psychiatrist about me as a people pleaser and my brother. She showed me there were positive and negative in being a people pleaser or in being self centred. I guess it depends on how you show yourself to other people. My brother and I are not as close as we could be, but I also have to think about his positive qualities. It can be hard.

[Music_Freak]

Wow...I haven't been here for a while. Not sure why...busy with uni, forgetfulness, apathy, I'm not sure.

I did get an access plan activated with the uni, don't know why I waited so long, was stupid really.

I'm still working on the social world moral panic essay, got an extension until the 4th, should have asked for longer but thought a week was pushing my luck. Have to try and get it done.

I'm just so tired all the time. Trying to keep up with the weekly tasks at uni, but a lot of the time I fail. But I'm getting assessments done (but for this essay). I don't even care about my marks lately. I got a P1 for a quiz and didn't even react.

Feeling like I should just drop out again, but trying to ignore that annoying voice.

[smallwolf]

Hi MF,

There is a little hope in the last sentence of your post... you are trying to ignore that annoying voice. I don't know if I can/will get rid of that voice you speak of. My psychologist wanted me to the use defusion each day - using the analogy of putting your thoughts on the side of a bus that would drive off. It worked most of the time. But one thought would come coming back. And I then had to do a challenging exercise about this thought.

Lots of students struggle to do all the weekly tasks. Some out of laziness. Some because of other assignments they have to work on. Or because of other commitments, be that family, work, sickness, etc. The list of reasons can be endless. My hint is, providing you complete your assessments and quizzes, and exams, you will do OK. Try not to stress over the trying to do everything. Remember this is still a new experience. Think of all the things you have learnt from last semester. Perhaps you would put a list here... A couple of ideas might be...

- assignment writing

- referencing

- how to research

Your turn now?

Tim

[Music_Freak]

I think that voice/critic will be with me for life too. It just keeps getting louder 😞

Good news is - I FINISHED THE ESSAY!!! But for one last reading out loud before submitting.

Hmmm, what have I learned...

- That I'm not an academic, but can manage, with an average of P1/credit grades

- I still find referencing tricky but know where to find answers (I know you kind of mentioned this one, Tim)

- People are willing to help at uni if you ask (someone in my online study chat proofread my essay and gave me some great tips in it).

- That an access plan is a brilliant idea and I should have gotten one WAY SOONER

I'll try thinking of more tomorrow/later, if I remember

[smallwolf]

That inner voice you mentioned... What does it say? (you don't have to answer that here!) Mine is about living or moving towards your values. The inner voice tells me I am stupid when I make a mistake. Have I ever mentioned a book to you called "the happiness trap". If not, you should give it a look.

Also WELL DONE on completing the essay. And reading aloud is a good trick also to help you find any mistakes. Something else for your what I have learned list. More on that in a bit.

Unless you are thinking of doing extra studies in the same area later, then your grades are fine. Don't discount the fact that you did get a distinction. Also remember that I failed a subject and still did OK.

The fact that you were able to ask someone for help at Uni is BIG plus. It shows that you are open to showing someone your work and open to criticism (outside of the lecturer).

The reason why I asked you about what you have learned was so that you might be able to see for yourself that you are doing well at Uni. You can write and reference, You can get someone to proofread. You can get an extension or hand in on time. You are passing. You are doing what needs to be done. Breath and show a little kindness to yourself. Don't be like me and get get critical of yourself for every little mistake you make.

Peace,

Tim

[Emmy.]

Just dropping by to say hello Narelle. Sorry it’s been so long - often think of everyone on here and hope the best for all. How’s uni been going?? Xx

[Music_Freak]

Uni is OK, I feel like I'm always struggling to get all the work done though...it just keeps coming. I just don't think I'm smart enough...but I haven't dropped out yet. Trying to stay focused on getting a job and buying a place. I'm so worried that neither will happen for me though. It's so disheartening 😞

[smallwolf]

MF, You are smart enough. Remember that you got a place in a Uni course and if I recall a distinction in one of assignments 🙂

Tim

[Emmy.]

Oh hon you’re smart! You got into uni and you’ve stuck it out. I’m so proud of you! You’ve got this xx