I just feel like i have no chance..
A bit of context: im 23, studying full time and i work a little bit on the side as a tutor.
Ive been dealing with this crap for 4 years now and it hasn't exactly gotten any better.
As a result of depression and social anxiety ive had no relationships, no girlffriends, no sex, no nothing. Increasingly over time friends are starting up relationships and enjoying feeling desired. I tried tinder once, and actually met a girl who as it turned it out had a fair bit in common with me but because of my depression and anxieties i was a total mess. I screwed it up.. That was just over a year ago. I still haven't been able to get over it. It was the first time i had actually ever been on anything (even though she maintained it wasnt really a date). The only other time before that was with a girl i spoke to at uni and got friendly with. She was insane. Told me mental health wasnt even a thing.. then she just ignored me and that friendship ended in the dumps. I feel gross, less of a man and feel like i will just be on the scrap heap. Whats worse is that it just gets harder and harder as you get older.
If i have another person tell me i must have it good because im a tall guy, relatively good looking (apparently i am according to some, yet i dont think so.. or else i wouldnt be failing so much) and that "the girls" must like me i may punch them in the face. It's warped too.. when people compliment you on your appearance your immediate response should not be anger... but if people actually knew the hurt and pain... i feeel like i should be out there... or else im just gonna regret my young years..
I just feel so alone. My depression has creeped up on me and my anxiety is through the roof. No use talking to my family.. they haven't learned anything. Im not going back to hospital. Its boring. It gets in the way. I feel like i dont belong there...
Anyway. Feels a bit better to say that here.
Hey Aaron thanks for dropping in Monday and before too.
Yeah its a bit of a tough ride atm.
I went on a date last night for the first time since November 2019.
Was good to do that again. I dunno if anything will come of it. Will need to wait and see. But I'm okay with it if it doesn't. She looked a bit different to her photos which didn't help but she did seem wholesome and a genuine person. The last few "meaningful" interactions i had on the apps just ghosted me lol.
We even spoke about online dating and apps are hard anyway.
It sounds like a cliche I think I need more time to myself to figure myself out. I guess time will tell.
I am on my way to a job that I don't hate but definitely don't like. Yesterday one of my managers picked me up on the fact I was taking work that could be done tomorrow or another day - I have to verify stuff that's been done already essentially. I figured that was in line with government work. Lol. Don't work too hard. But I have to or else I get bored. So it is what it is.
Because of my job i am not satisfied with where I am at in life. I am capable of much more but the issue i have atm is that I don't know where to go next or what to do. Maybe I could call it choice paralysis.
Thought I would share this here today. It's from another place I use for mental health support.
Plan A was to go to my place of work as expected. I did. I get there and
three people ask me if I will be going elsewhere. Because of the
workload expected. Put simply, we finished much much earlier than
anticipated. I was then expected to go to another place. I did.
get word about 3 hours later than I am expected back where I started.
Why? Because my colleague refused to go back. Then she makes up a story
to try and pull the wool over my eyes. Pathetic. Absolutely pathetic. I
was so fed up with the entire thing.
I made an appointment with
my boss. I WAS going to speak to him about it. But I thought why not let
this slip under the bridge as water. Easy. Rather I used that chance to
talk about boosting my hours maybe and seeing what my options were -
which was an option on the table a few weeks ago that had escaped my
He offered me two solutions. First, I increase to 4 days
and run the risk of returning to a place that I have major issues with.
Second option, I go to full time. Full time means full time. No doubts
I did some thinking about it all and came to the conclusion that full time is not an option now. Not happening.
have been screwed over too much. I am not here to put up with other
people's BS. I deserve more in life and better opportunities.
of course the whole "I am 27 and don't know anything and feel like a
loser" kicked in. Well now I don't care about it. I have resigned to the
1) That at this stage I will likely not find a
soulmate or partner because women want guys who are stable and
organised. I am struggling with both at the age of 27. I still fit into
the "loser" category. At the end of the day that's just a perspective
people may have on me but I don't care.
2) I am deserving of love and yet probably won't find it because of the way my generation operates now.
3) My chances of going anywhere I actually would want to go are gone too.
4) I've spent too much time in the "wilderness" and it's time that stopped.
I am resigned to the fact that if I can't figure out these things in
the next 2 years then all hope is gone and I am stuck with whatever I do
6) I don't matter.
That's genuinely how I felt earlier today and I think some part of that is still true right now as I type this out
My new resolution is to go all in.
Just start carpet bombing my CV and resume to get me the hell out of what I am doing now.
Start upping the ante on what I write. Force myself to do it maybe
the image of myself as meak and gentle - which I don't think I have -
but I need to shatter it at a deeper level or else I am stuck thinking
bad thoughts about myself. I have been through things and I am on a
journey. It's still going
I am trying my best but it's coming with a hint of sadness
I have come to terms with a lot it would seem. I am 27 now - I was younger when I made this exact thread. Maybe some time soon I can go back to the start and read it through.
My current job is one that I took when I needed it. That's all. I was never keen on it. I was never passionate about it. I was never focused on it. It was SOMETHING. Here I am now and I am keen to leave. Well then that's a sign isn't it? It's a sign it was never for me. Never something I could see myself doing. There is no advancement. There is no progression. I have been there long enough.
Now comes new territory - applying for stuff and going to interviews. Onwards I go I guess.
Today I will be sending my boss an email to tell him I'm not extending my hours and my time with work. I won't say I will leave because I haven't something to leave to. But I have aims and goals that do not lie in this current line of work. Time to move on I say.
Sorry I haven't checked in. Things haven't been so hot here either. I suppose we've just got to hold on to hope things will get better in time.
Read in one of your posts you felt like a loser and felt you didn't matter. For what it's worth that is total bollocks even if it's hard to see it yourself sometimes.
Your resilience shows in your posts too. It's helpful to read so thank you.
I hope this year is a better one for you. I like that you're trying to find work you enjoy. It's always better to do something you enjoy or at least have friendly colleagues. Maybe volunteer work might help fill the void of your current job?
Although I can't relate to enjoying StarWars your hobbies sound great. Especially models. My son has Meccano and LEGO and I think I love them more than he does! Don't know if you've read much about the LEGO ideas group? I've found it such an interesting online group even if I am read only. Last night I felt crap so I built a LEGO helicopter for something different to try. Wish I could afford the new botanical collection, they're beautiful! Sorry just waffling I spose.
Are you able to get outdoors much? Every weekend we've been going crabbing and it's surprisingly fun and relaxing. I caught 3 of size just in the scoop net. The people out are so friendly too. Many go alone and just chat. Do you think it will help to try something totally different and new?
Anyways hope today is a happier one for you.
Quercus/Nat my old friend! It's so good to see you. I was wondering when you'd make an appearance. It seems so long ago since I last contacted you, but hey here we are already in late Jan 2021. What a world aye?
Thank you for your words of support - they mean a lot and I don't say that lightly.
Yes it is time to move on. Last Wednesday was the last straw. I came close to extending my hours but realised and asked myself - "Why should I have to put up with more of this bs?"
Like I said before, I was never interested in this or passionate. But hey two days ago I reached a savings goal. I was slightly over that goal by only 15 bucks lol. But the point is that I made the goal happen. I was thinking of taking a month off to apply for other things and live well within my means. I could probably even chuck some into a new savings account. who knows and more importantly who cares - its money and the lure of it is nothing to me anymore.
I have checked out rebrickable Nat - where people design their own creations and upload them with an instruction manual. It's super creative. I was thinking of ordering a mini maserati and making it. But for now I will finish off the mosaic and ensure that I get them done or else they will sit here gathering dust
In terms of something totally new? Somewhat. Golf. I went to the driving range a few weeks ago duroing the break and hit them reasonably well. I am aiming at getting back into that. Will wait and see though
In terms of getting outdoors - its hard for me because I find it hard to go places on my own. I've organised a few meetups in my city at the beach and that went okay. Was thinking of maybe doing some more. I am finding that quality over quantity when it comes to friends is more important now anyway. My social circle has gotten smaller. So I want to be able to stop that getting smaller. It's hard though. Very hard.
I hope you are around soon. I have missed chatting and catching up Nat.
I'll be around here more thees days too as I find it cathartic to come back here and chat to newbies and old favourites. I'm finding it hard with the covid stuff and also just generally as I have seen friends take up recreational drug use and party culture to the max which is just something I won't do and find dull and tedious. I've gotten into Dungeons and Dragons - expecting that to take off soon with some friends - the set up is a bit of a drain but that's the hard part over.
See ya soon 🙂
Sorry for the late reply here, I had a busy end of the week/weekend.
I thought I'd pop in just to second the thoughts of Nat and say that its great to see the resilience on display here.
I love the fact that you have been using LEGO as a means of keeping yourself distracted! I have a couple of models in my room and it was a lot of fun making them! The problem is that the big models cost a lot of money and that is the only reason why I don't buy anymore 😅
I really hope the job situation does resolve in time. It seems to be a massive problem that just doesn't go away right?
I also have something to say about this comment about: "That at this stage I will likely not find a
soulmate or partner because women want guys who are stable and
Obviously, I don't know you beyond this forum but from the conversations we have had here run in contradiction to the aforementioned quote. You might not necessarily know where you want to be or haven't found the right job yet, but I don't think you are as disorganised or unstable as you think. The fact that you are willing to keep moving to find what works for you can be viewed as an attractive quality. It is industry and I think that shows to me that you are someone who is emotionally intelligent and has ambitions far beyond where their life is right now.
I don't know if this helps but I thought I'd make that observation.
Good evening all
Just dropping in before I head to bed.
Had a good day with grandparents this arvo. Had thai for dinner with them. Was a chance to see them. I had a pretty testy conversation with mum and dad about my work and mental health situation. Got upset. But they did too. So it was good to air what has been going on. I guess in the end that's all that matter - that we are on the same page.
As the famous saying goes - it is what it is
Good night all
My first priority however is to move away from my current job. Get out of it. I really do not like it. I really don't like being moved about heaps, I find that the work is itself quite dull and tedious. There's no skills in it and I find it boring. The people are hit and miss. Fortunately where I am atm the people are nice, they are not immature and in their early 20s. Maybe the things that matter most are the things like this hey?